alcoholism drug addiction gambling

I realize now that my addictive behavior and alcoholic mind started long before i picked up a drink or drug. I never felt like i belonged i was the girl who hid in the bathroom to avoid the good byes when we had family get togethers and avoided affection at any cost meanwhile all i ever wanted was to feel loved and noticed. When i was 12 i found the thing that made me feel a part of the group and crowd and family alcohol and drugs. I would come alive and feel i could express myself be the life of the party. through my life i was always afraid of the big eye in the sky afraid to look up because i was defanitly not worthy of Gods love and knew he was dissapointed in me I just tried to pretend he was not there. My mom who as since pasted took me to my first aa meeting the seed was planted. I have been on an addictive rollercoaster most of my life. When the pain got bad enough and the drugs stopped working I became willing and honest enough to start {with the help of aa )rethinking my ideas about God and the old ideas and predjudeces that were in the way of my relationship with God once i was able to realize I was dying and the only chance I had was to find my God and get to know him so i began my journey only to realize i was of the agnostic variety i believed in god but didn't believe he could or would help me personally. I didn't realize that until i was three years sober and went back out only tho be back in a downward spiral wondering how i got there causing problems and hurts for me and everyone i loved. Since then I am sober again and forming that relationship with Jesus. Now I see the things that block me from God are the things only he can help me with being selfishness and self centered like all human beings is what i need God to remove from me on a daily basis so that i can feel him and get to know him i will never be perfect only Jesus is perfect but one day at a time God will change my heart which will in tern change my perspective and help me to get to a place where i can help another alcoholic who still suffers. I also realize that I am saved because Jesus died for my sins and not because I am being good.