one screwed up

to make a long story short, i am a 38yo pastor who has been in the ministry for about 8 years. i recently resigned from my job because i was caught taking money from a fund at church. i am also addicted to porn and the feeling that i can't trust anyone. so the question i now ask:"why in the world did God decide that i needed to be a pastor?" i am a complete failure, loser and a shame to all i have ever led in any church i have ever been at. so what's a broken leftover like me to do? i guess it's just one day at a time. it's hard to walk around with my head up. i had that problem before this last incident but now it's even worse. did i misunderstand God about my calling? where did it all go wrong? or was it all wrong to begin with? i guess time will tell but in the meantime my family, my name, my calling has been shamed beyond anything i can imagine. i know God loves me and blah, blah,blah, but stealing from a church? addicted to porn? it's hard to even look in the mirror because i hate what i see. i hate the fact that people will even look at my small children different. about 2 months ago i wanted to end all this mess by shooting myself in the head with my .357 magnum. some people say suicide is pretty selfish but if you haven't been in that place don't even say a word. you'd never understand. i guess life goes on but where does it go from here. this is really the first time i've been open about all this.