trust and forgiveness

I lied to my boyfriend about being pregnant, not because I thought he would stay. We had been on an emotional roller coaster for months, him breaking up with me over the smallest thing. I got to a point that this last time that he broke things off with me that I want to make him feel bad for awhile about leaving. I was in complete shock when he decided that he wanted a baby and to be together. I had felt so guilty the moment that I had told the lie I just wanted to have never said it. Then I felt as though things would get worse if I told him what I had done. I'm not like this, I don't lie about anything and especially something this big. I knew that in my heart things were going to go very badly and they did. A week later he caught me in the lie and now he's gone. I've been so mad, disappointed, ashamed of myself for doing such a stupid thing. Regardless, of the things that he did to me it does not excuse my behavior or action. I know better, I am a better person than that. Since, I've been looking into myself to see exactly were all this crazy came from for me to act so irresponsibly. I know that GOD is pruning my branches at this moment in time and making me a better person when its all done. I need only his strength to get through this. I'm having a hard time not hating myself and trying to forgive myself for what I've done.