I'm destroying my life w/ sexual addiction

I have had this addiction for a long time. Since I have been in Las Vegas i have floated in and out of recovery. I want to get clean but then I don't. I want to blame it on my wife and her lack of desire but I know its my resposnibility to be pure. Despite what she does I am still repsonble to God, and my family. I am literally letting this destroy EVERY ASPECT of my life. My marriage, my family, my business, my finances, (eventually) my reputation, EVERYTHING THAT MEANS ANYTHING. I have NO friendships. I have no real relationships. Even now as i was just caught .. i want to engage. why o why .. when i am ready .. or so i feel to get w/ someone the person is out of town??? why does this happen.. why??? why can't I be free. Why is there a huge part of me that doesn't want to be free. Yet part of me knows there is NO freedom in sin.. Where are the answers.. I have been a christian for 20 years.. what good is it doing me .. I am a disgrace to GOD, My WIFE, MY CHILDREN, EVERYTHING. Why o why do I go on ... I see the TRAIN COMING AT ME.. FULL STEAM .. YET I DON"T GET OFF THE TRACKS?? WHY?WHY WHY??????? I am caught .. and I want to carry on .. HOW STUPID AM I??