I am addicted to porn.

I want to stop looking and masturbating, but I can't seem to. I keep trying to play the promise game with God, but that doesn't work either. I've hidden my habit for years...from my family when I was a teenager, and from my wife now that I am an adult.

I'm a professional Christian. People pay me to come to their churches...over 100 of them each year. If they only knew the truth, my ministry would be down the drain. Who'd want a porn-addicted speaker in front of their families, anyway?

Sometimes I go almost a month without failing...sometimes I can't make it a full day. I'm so tired of the feelings afterward...mainly guilt. And the thought that my ministry could be destroyed tomorrow because of my lack of pursuit of holiness is what haunts me the most.

Maybe it's guilt from the enemy. Maybe it's conviction that God will strip me of my blessings. Maybe that's bad theology and God's grace is much greater than his desire to see me fail. Honestly, at this point, I don't really know.

What I do know is this: I need to quit. And I can't seem to be able to figure out how.

Father, help me. Make me strong. Draw me close to you...