Rescue ME!!

I'm a christian just struggling with life right now. I've been unemployed for almost 2 years now and left my job two years ago because i get panicky and the thought flashing thru my mind at that point was " i gotta get outta here, i can't breathe!!". So I've been job hunting for another job and want to get my foot in the door within the pet industry (want to eventually go to school for vet assistant). I had a very good feeling about my recent job interview and prayed God would open the door and if He didn't i prayed he would open another one. I didn't get the job :( I called another pet place and I had a connection there with one of the managers. When i called she said she would look at my application and send word around the store because they are hiring. Well i call a week later after she didn't call me when she said she would. Well it turns out she doesn't work there anymore. So I asked for my call to be transferred to a department that was hiring and that i had applied for. The manager in that department snapped at me (cause i guess she was having a bad day) and told me rudely she would look up my application and call me back 2-3 days later.... but of course... she didn't. I didn't want to call back because of the way she was to me on the phone. So I called other pet stores around the valley (closest to home because i don't have a car and would have to use the bus to get to work, and sometimes the bus isn't very reliable... so close to home jobs are my options), and none of them are hiring.... I even applied at a couple fast food joints even though i REALLY REALLY don't want to work with food again and they weren't even hiring. So that's junk problem #1.

I've been overweight for almost all my life and have prayed and prayed and ask God to help me to lose it, but year by year i gain more. It's not even a matter of looking good anymore, it's to get around and be able to fit in seats. last july I had injured my knee real badly again when i was exercizing. I went to the doctor and i had what they called "patello femoral syndrome", it's where the knee cap dislodges itself because the quadricep muscles are too weak to hold the knee cap in place. I did physical therapy for 3 months and recovery was good. But it was also very painful. I felt good about my recovery. Well about a month ago, I was boarding a plane and i had to squeeze in the aisle of seats and was twisting my legs in a weird way to fit and "pop!!!!" my knee cap dislodged itself again... pain, panick and anxiety came over me again. After all that recovery back i'm back to square one it seems. I am very limited to many things because of my weight and my knee. I don't even know how i can even stand for 8 hours at a job, but i know i have to. Everything just feels so hopeless and i keep on praying.

I'm also addicted to nicotine and smoke a pack a day and i'm tired of it controlling my life. I've tried quitting so many times but i guess a part of me wants to keep it around because it relaxes me. It's hard to break away from it because it relaxes me throughout this pain and misery i'm going thru. But i know it's slowly killing me along with my weight... I'm so afraid. It's easier said than done. I'm so tired of being in bondage to my weight, to smoking, to being at home all the time. I feel so very hopeless and have been praying so much. I also feel like God is mad at me or doesn't want to help me because i let myself get this way. I just want to be free so badly. I want Jesus to rescue me from all these things. It's hard to breathe because of all the things weighing down on me.

I also have a very strong christian boyfriend and we are dating long distance. We've seen eachother 6 times this year and he says he plans on marrying me. We have a very good relationship, but of course it's always me who doubts things and can't seem to keep positive feelings going in our relationship. Long story short, i've been molseted/ raped twice, I've been cheated on, i've been taken advantage of and treated like an object rather than a person. I trust my boyfriend partly, but the other part of me doesn't because i'm so afraid someone else will come around in his life and i will be left alone again or that he will grow tired of me. He has done nothing wrong to make me feel these things... like i said it's me.

I'm just hurting so badly and feel so tortured. Can't take it anymore and I can't feel Jesus and i need Him so badly. He's always been there for me and He's my only hope. It's quiet, there's no response yet... I'm on bended knees (even tho it hurts to be on my knees) begging Him for His help, to rescue me......