HELP ME! I DON'T WANT TO BE LEFT BEHIND!

My husband is a sex addict, a compulsive eater (he weighs over 400 pounds), a compulsive worrier and workaholic, a compulsive liar, a cheater. Need I go on? He has issues - major issues. He is big time good at convincing people his way is the right way when he isn't and is relentless in making it his goal in life to convince you to agree with him. He's not one who takes no for an anwer if he wants something bad enough. He was like a drug addict that wouldn't take no for an answer when he really wanted his drugs which was 90% of the time. We've been married 11 years and together 12 years. I love my husband and have always felt in my heart that God did not want me to give up on him. After 11 years he has finally given himself to God. But there has been so much damage. I've tried hard to forgive all of the damage he's left behind, and I'm good for the most part until I'm challenged by the devil again and all those feelings of anger come up again. I can't seem to let them go and I think it's because of the guilt I carry inside me. Through the years there were times when he was relentless in not accepting my NO's that I ended up giving in and participating in acts I would immediately regret with all my heart and soul.

About a year ago we were in business together with my sister and someone I used to consider my best friend, but Mike ruined all of this by using monies that belonged to them, to help us live off of. I understand his reasons for doing it but after I told him not to do this unless he spoke with my sister and my so called "friend," but he decided no to discuss it with them and did it anyway. Well of course tremendous damage became of this as you can imagine. My Mother passed away from Parkinson's Disease a few months ago. She had this disease for over 40 years of her life. She meant everything to me before I met my husband. I wasn't there for her many times because Mike needed me. And after all the years I stood by my husband regardless what his issues were he did not make himself available to be there for me when I REALLY needed him, when my Mom died. I've never asked him to be there for me ever before, but I really needed him then and of course all he could do was think about HIS feelings first. Regardless the caos my husband created I knew that he has always had a good heart inside and that he was being led by the devil. I prayed for my husbands soul for years and asked others to pray for him too. He became like this because he was raised by his Mother who mentally abused him, and mentally seduced him. These are terms that were explained to my husband and myself through counseling. His Mom used him as if he was her husband since she felt she could not depend on her husband because he was an alcoholic and according to her mentally abused her. She treated my husband as her husband since he was 9 years old. She made him responsible for her happiness and was relentless in haunting him until he did.

Now that he has given himself to God he had to shut his Mother out so he can heal. I know how hard this was for him to do. But it was the only way and now she's rebelling big time. Many times we came so close to breaking up because I just couldn't stand her manipulation. My husband has been the type who insisted that I spend all of my time with him, be there when he wanted me which was an almost 24 hour position. I wanted to be there, don't get me wrong, but in the process I gave up being with my family and friends in California as I used to be before I met my husband. I gave up the person I used to be. It's my fault. I don't blame him for that, but now that he has FINALLY given his heart to God what do I do with all this stuff. I'm hurt, angry, and ashamed of myself. I can't think of anyone I can comfortably go to anymore that I can just talk thinks over with. Who can I talk to that will not judge my husband or judge me. I have a very dear cousin who I once was able to feel comfortable in telling her anything. She's a strong Christian. But I don't feel comfortable going to her anymore because this has been a never ending saga. I don't know if she's pulled herself away from me because she's tired of hearing about this. I wouldn't blame her. Or has she pulled herself away from me because she's just more involved in her life with her family. I don't know. Maybe it's both. I'm happy that my husband has FINALLY committed to God. This is what I've prayed for for so long. He's told me in the past he gave himself to God but it was obvious he hadn't. This time it is definitely different. This time I truely believe he really has given himself to God completely. This is a man who for all the years I've ever known him never wanted to talk about our burial plans because he hated talking about death. Now he says he's not afraid to die and actually welcomes it. But my husband made so many poor choices about money and life during our 11 years. He used to live for money. He's extremely good at making money and nobody is a better provider than he is. Lord knows he's put up with my lazy and rebellious daughter who thinks she knows it all and her passive husband who is a wonderful husband and a fabulous father but has no clue what to do next unless someone tells him. He took them both in when they both made challenges for themselves in holding a job. He took them under his wing into our business and groomed them to learn this Company and how to make a living and how to become leaders and be better people. Lord knows I'm gratefull for his patience, love and hard work with this issue. This was huge. There is still a lot more work to be done but I'm extremely grateful for all that he has done. The devil has put me through so much all these years. The past month I've been battleing with the devil more than I ever have before. He fills my head with doubts of Jesus. In my head he mocks Jesus. I yell inside and tell the devil to leave me, but then I hear a voice telling him to stay. I'm scared for my soul. I want him gone and I'm fightened that I'm loosing. My husband talks to me about his accomplishments of his new life as a Christian. He tells me daily with happiness and enthusiasm. He says he wants to become a Christian leader. I've told him many times during our marriage that if he would just put all the energy he puts into his illness and instead put it in Christ that I know he could be a fabulous Christian leader and now my dream is coming true. But I find myself scared because he's so much further than I am in truly becoming a REAL Christian. I'm a wanna be and now I can't get this demon out of my mind. It's almost like the demon left my husband and came into me. Help me please! I don't have anyone in Vegas I feel I can come to for help. I don't want to tell my husband because I don't want to want to do anything that may interrupt his journey to Christ. My Church is two blocks down the street from my home, Cornerstone Christian Fellowship. I went on their website hoping they would have something like this so I can seek help in my own Church, but they don't have this and I could not bring myself to just go down to the Church and have to tell them why I want to speak to a Pastor or someone who might be able to help me. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of myself.

Someone we call our friend introduced us to your Church. I love it but it's so far from us. I say we call her our friend because she wants so much to be our friend and I'm trying. I'm nice to her and treat her as our friend but I have a hard time FEELING it. She is one that my husband brought into our bedroom at one point in our marriage. We told her and she understands that that will NEVER happen again and she's okay with this but she is also gay and according to my husband she has told him she has a thing for me. I can't even go there. I try everyday not to think about that and just try to be friends. She doesn't show this to me thank God. If she did I surely would run as fast as I could. The other thing that bothers me is that she's a massage therapist - someone who believes in happy endings in order to make enough money to live off of. God has sent so many challenges to me. A constant battle ground. I haven't closed my door to her because even though he's Jewish she's trying to be a Christian. She's not at the point of committing herself to God, but I'm a sucker for lost souls I guess. I don't know anymore what I am. I was born and raised a Catholic. I went to 12 years of Catholic school. When I became an adult I began seeking another way to worship Jesus and was constantly pulled to the Born Again Christian faith. I know this is where I belong, but I am a lost soul myself. I believe God will be coming soon. I DON'T WANT TO BE LEFT BEHIND. This scares me beyond belief. Help me PLEASE! I could go on, but you get the idea. I've tried to do this on my own and I felt that with God's help I could handle it and I was doing considerably well all these years, but now - it's differnt. I know now I sincerely need help. Thank you.