Sabotaging my marriage

I have been struggling with low self esteem all my life. I was always told I didn't measure up as a child. When those voices from the outside stopped telling me I was worthless, I told myself. Maybe because I am used to hearing it.

My first marriage ended because of adultery. My ex-husband never loved me to begin with and told me that pretty regularly. I married very young to someone that I knew didn't respect or love me because I didn't think I could do any better and was afraid I was going to die alone if I didn't accept. I stayed through 14 years and 3 children. I was faithful and loyal, even though I felt as if I were dying.

I do not mourn for that marriage. I was relived when I found out he had been cheating on me yet again, because I was so depressed in my situation and I saw a chance to finally live my life with dignity and with a grasp on who I am in Christ, instead of always feeling like I deserved to be unhappy. Even if it was just me and my children.

Unfortunately, I never seem to be able to hold on to the affirmation that I am a worthy person, a daughter of God, and that anyone would ever love me for who I am "warts and all".

I have since remarried to someone who has been a friend for many years. He is a good person, who shares almost all of my interests, and makes me laugh. He loves me unconditionally, and on top of that has bent over backwards to take care of me and also to be a great stepfather to my 3 children. He is patient with me and knew I had self worth issues. He has tried always to give me the reassurance I seem to constantly need.

But I have been pushing him away. Every time we have the slightest tiff, I immediately jump to the conclusion that the marriage isn't working and that he would be better off without me. I am very insecure and always picking on myself, fishing for compliments. He tells me a thousand times a day he thinks I am beautiful and a thousand times a day I tell myself I am ugly and that another woman is going to catch his eye and take him away.

Last night things came to a head and he said he doesn't see this relationship ending well because I refuse to let him love me. He said he is afraid of what I could do to myself, and he is exhausted from trying to hold me up. I have completely worn him down. He says he feels like he has nothing left. He says he wants to stay and work this out but he has lost hope. He says he isn't angry at me, he says I have a sickness. But my sickness is destroying everything.

I am finally at a place where I have all the things I need to make the life I always dreamed of having. I have my children who are all healthy and safe, and in addition to that, I found the partner I always thought couldn't exist for me. Someone to walk my path with me. Why can't I just accept what I have been blessed with? Why can't I rest in this grace I cried out to God for so many years?