fear

I have struggled for so long with shame guilt and poverty wich in turn has led to pornography

living with someone while married to someone else

I believe that god brought me and this man together but i am still married to another man{in the process of getting a divorce} i did not leave my husband for this man i had already left but i feel the weight of the sin in my life like a ton of bricks on my chest i love this new man in my life so much he is good to my kids and loves God and provides stability in our lives that we have never known i believe that God gave us each other but the way we met and how we are living leaves me to wonder what God has in store for me with all the burden i feel about living this way i feel if i can get through the divorce that there are great things to come i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me i just have to believe in the greater plan and give it all up to God

over eating

i over eat all the time and I am miserable with myself. i want to feel free from the addiction of food.

Smiles, Prayer's , and Worship.

the smiles and prayer's that I have recieved over these past few months have sustained me during the trail and then separation from my grandchildren that I had been raising for the past 3 1/2 years. Through what I am sure is GOD'S grace and again prayer's , encouragement and the worship service,my prayer's have been answered. I have learned to have patience and to wait on the Lord. I have encouraged other's to attend a Christian church.

Broken Marriage

I just dont even know where to begin. Everything is just so messed up. My marriage started off on the wrong foot and just continued downhill. When I met my husband he was in a relationship that was about to end but still and yet it was a relationship.I was the other women so to speak. Well needless to say there was no trust from the beginning "if he did it to her whos to say he wont do it to me?", once a cheater always a cheater, those are just a few thoughts that intrude my mind. 1 1/2 years into the marriage he decided it was working and went on to have another relationship, all the while accusing me of cheating on him to the point where i felt i had to make up stories to get us to the point of making up. when I found out about the relationship, even though he says we were seperated, i was still so hurt all i could think about is what could i do to show him how much i hurt so i went and slept with some guy i had just met .It meant nothing. Anyways i thought i could forgive him we get back together and get a house for the family(us and our 3 children) everything is good until 1 night i get this call from a women. i guess he had made plans to meet up with her and have and affair. he says it never happened he changed his mind because he loves me. yeah right so much love. needless to say things just keep getting worse. now were in Las Vegas because he said it would be a new begginning but i just dont see it. Ive lost my job and he just started working again but now every payday he goes and gambles it all away. Today i just looked into the bank account we have 20.00 and no food in the house with 3 children. i dont know what to do. Right now i just wish God would just take me. I think about suicide and then i think about God. I cant do that I want to go to heaven but its so hard to stay on that path. I love my husband soooo much and I wish there was a way I could help him. Please God save my family!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Codependency

I cheated on my husband. The guy i cheated with finally left me after a year. He doesnt want to have anything to do with me. Im depressed. Want to drink and smoke. Have obsessive thoughts. Cant get this person out of my mind. I know it was an unhealthy relationship, but im still obsessing about it. Pleas eGod deliver me from this Codependency.

My Husband Left my daughter and I

My Husband walked out on my child and I 5 mos. ago and he lost his job. No matter how nice I try to be to him he consistantly berates me and is very rude and mean to me. I now have a job for the first time in 4 yrs. and he doesn't really even help me with her either, only if it's convenient for him. He gambled away all of our savings and he continues to use money but patronizes me about every penny I spend, when my money is spent on groceries, bills, and neccessities. I am not saying that I am some angel in all of this, it takes two for any marriage to make or break, however, I begged him to get help and to just be nice. I feel like I am at my wits end. I don't know how not to be angry sometimes. When he hurts my 3 year old baby it just makes me furious!!! I feel like he won't take responsibility for much of anything and I don't want to be hateful or bitter, it just hurts too bad!! I am not that person so why do I let him bend me to that stature?? How do I remain forgiving and kind to someone who just wont be nice most of the time and has completely shirked all of his responsibilities as a Father and a Husband?? He is also slowly trying to take everything away from me financially also and acting as if that's o.k. I just don't understand. Signed, VERY CONFUSED, HEARTBROKEN, AND LOST!!! p.s. we have also lost three children together and have endured alot of hardships and I NEVER thought in A million years this is what my life would come to.

Sabotaging my marriage

I have been struggling with low self esteem all my life. I was always told I didn't measure up as a child. When those voices from the outside stopped telling me I was worthless, I told myself. Maybe because I am used to hearing it.

My first marriage ended because of adultery. My ex-husband never loved me to begin with and told me that pretty regularly. I married very young to someone that I knew didn't respect or love me because I didn't think I could do any better and was afraid I was going to die alone if I didn't accept. I stayed through 14 years and 3 children. I was faithful and loyal, even though I felt as if I were dying.

I do not mourn for that marriage. I was relived when I found out he had been cheating on me yet again, because I was so depressed in my situation and I saw a chance to finally live my life with dignity and with a grasp on who I am in Christ, instead of always feeling like I deserved to be unhappy. Even if it was just me and my children.

Unfortunately, I never seem to be able to hold on to the affirmation that I am a worthy person, a daughter of God, and that anyone would ever love me for who I am "warts and all".

I have since remarried to someone who has been a friend for many years. He is a good person, who shares almost all of my interests, and makes me laugh. He loves me unconditionally, and on top of that has bent over backwards to take care of me and also to be a great stepfather to my 3 children. He is patient with me and knew I had self worth issues. He has tried always to give me the reassurance I seem to constantly need.

But I have been pushing him away. Every time we have the slightest tiff, I immediately jump to the conclusion that the marriage isn't working and that he would be better off without me. I am very insecure and always picking on myself, fishing for compliments. He tells me a thousand times a day he thinks I am beautiful and a thousand times a day I tell myself I am ugly and that another woman is going to catch his eye and take him away.

Last night things came to a head and he said he doesn't see this relationship ending well because I refuse to let him love me. He said he is afraid of what I could do to myself, and he is exhausted from trying to hold me up. I have completely worn him down. He says he feels like he has nothing left. He says he wants to stay and work this out but he has lost hope. He says he isn't angry at me, he says I have a sickness. But my sickness is destroying everything.

I am finally at a place where I have all the things I need to make the life I always dreamed of having. I have my children who are all healthy and safe, and in addition to that, I found the partner I always thought couldn't exist for me. Someone to walk my path with me. Why can't I just accept what I have been blessed with? Why can't I rest in this grace I cried out to God for so many years?

I thought this was ok.....

I was in denial of my porn addiction until a few days ago. I destroyed my first marriage. The lies, the hiding, the hours and hours spent in front of the computer (and webcam) to fulfill some perverted need. To find love and happiness with complete strangers in chat rooms. To view women in pornographic pictures and online videos.

I divorced my first wife...she was mad all the time, never trusted me....now I realize why. Now, I'm repeating the cycle with my second wife. Only this time, she knows how to use a computer, knows how to track me down. Shes in my face and making me see the truth for the first time in my life. She is the first true love I have ever experienced in my life...and Im afraid now that I may have damaged that trust and love beyond any hope of repair.

I want to do whats right. I need help. I just hope Im not too late....

Starting Over

I am 34, and am struggling with some homosexual issues. I have lived as a gay man for over ten years and I want to stop. I am searching for a job so I can move into my own place. I have tried before to live a better life, but I have failed in the past. I want to give my life to Jesus and do what He wants me to do. I need prayers to give me strength and succeed this time. I also need to find a good church to go to where I will be welcome no matter what my past sins were and be baptized for I feel that is what I am lacking. Thanks.

depression

I don't know how to deal with pastregrets about my children.

finding my purpose

im a divorced single parent in my 20's.i got pregnant my senior year of high school which didnt leave many choices for a CAREER. i tried community college on and off and a trade school. since i got divorced a few years ago it left me in a big financial rut. i had bad credit card addictions tht im still paying for.it has also caused me to live w my mom for the past 2 yrs.im currently in a job that doesnt provide any financial freedom, but becuase i went to school for this trade i feel like i shud stick with it.i guess the real problem is im sticking with the job becuase i dont know what else to do.i would love to move out of my moms,but im drownding in debt. i feel like i cannot make any right decision. sometimes im so unhappy w/ my life because it never seems to be going in the right direction. i have no idea what i want to do with my life. my major goal is to be independent for myself snd my child. im constantly feeling lost and dont know what my purpose in life is. i want to provide a comfortable lifstyle for my kid, but cant seem to find the path that puts me in that direction.

Wow! it just keeps coming! One bad thing after ano

And people keep telling me I'm so strong. What? I feel like I'm not even alive. But I do, I just keep going. So much bad stuff I don't even want to really take the time to write it all down. I'll only get depressed. I just don't know how to make it stop! I feel like I'm not living the life I want to live. Like life is controlling me. And I try and keep my faith and give it all up to him and ask him for his guidance. I don't know maybe I'm so crazy on this roller coaster that I don't even see or hear him. I'm so tired of living like this.

I hit the bottom......again!

I am in the worst place possible and I feel like there is no recovery. I have fallen so far into debt and a same sex relationship that is out of control. I know that this is not part of God's plan for me to be involved in this lifestyle. I love God but I know that I am not a friend of his at this moment. I am looking for hope and someone who can help. It is so involved and for a man in my 40's I am ashamed to be out of control.

HELP ME! I DON'T WANT TO BE LEFT BEHIND!

My husband is a sex addict, a compulsive eater (he weighs over 400 pounds), a compulsive worrier and workaholic, a compulsive liar, a cheater. Need I go on? He has issues - major issues. He is big time good at convincing people his way is the right way when he isn't and is relentless in making it his goal in life to convince you to agree with him. He's not one who takes no for an anwer if he wants something bad enough. He was like a drug addict that wouldn't take no for an answer when he really wanted his drugs which was 90% of the time. We've been married 11 years and together 12 years. I love my husband and have always felt in my heart that God did not want me to give up on him. After 11 years he has finally given himself to God. But there has been so much damage. I've tried hard to forgive all of the damage he's left behind, and I'm good for the most part until I'm challenged by the devil again and all those feelings of anger come up again. I can't seem to let them go and I think it's because of the guilt I carry inside me. Through the years there were times when he was relentless in not accepting my NO's that I ended up giving in and participating in acts I would immediately regret with all my heart and soul.

About a year ago we were in business together with my sister and someone I used to consider my best friend, but Mike ruined all of this by using monies that belonged to them, to help us live off of. I understand his reasons for doing it but after I told him not to do this unless he spoke with my sister and my so called "friend," but he decided no to discuss it with them and did it anyway. Well of course tremendous damage became of this as you can imagine. My Mother passed away from Parkinson's Disease a few months ago. She had this disease for over 40 years of her life. She meant everything to me before I met my husband. I wasn't there for her many times because Mike needed me. And after all the years I stood by my husband regardless what his issues were he did not make himself available to be there for me when I REALLY needed him, when my Mom died. I've never asked him to be there for me ever before, but I really needed him then and of course all he could do was think about HIS feelings first. Regardless the caos my husband created I knew that he has always had a good heart inside and that he was being led by the devil. I prayed for my husbands soul for years and asked others to pray for him too. He became like this because he was raised by his Mother who mentally abused him, and mentally seduced him. These are terms that were explained to my husband and myself through counseling. His Mom used him as if he was her husband since she felt she could not depend on her husband because he was an alcoholic and according to her mentally abused her. She treated my husband as her husband since he was 9 years old. She made him responsible for her happiness and was relentless in haunting him until he did.

Now that he has given himself to God he had to shut his Mother out so he can heal. I know how hard this was for him to do. But it was the only way and now she's rebelling big time. Many times we came so close to breaking up because I just couldn't stand her manipulation. My husband has been the type who insisted that I spend all of my time with him, be there when he wanted me which was an almost 24 hour position. I wanted to be there, don't get me wrong, but in the process I gave up being with my family and friends in California as I used to be before I met my husband. I gave up the person I used to be. It's my fault. I don't blame him for that, but now that he has FINALLY given his heart to God what do I do with all this stuff. I'm hurt, angry, and ashamed of myself. I can't think of anyone I can comfortably go to anymore that I can just talk thinks over with. Who can I talk to that will not judge my husband or judge me. I have a very dear cousin who I once was able to feel comfortable in telling her anything. She's a strong Christian. But I don't feel comfortable going to her anymore because this has been a never ending saga. I don't know if she's pulled herself away from me because she's tired of hearing about this. I wouldn't blame her. Or has she pulled herself away from me because she's just more involved in her life with her family. I don't know. Maybe it's both. I'm happy that my husband has FINALLY committed to God. This is what I've prayed for for so long. He's told me in the past he gave himself to God but it was obvious he hadn't. This time it is definitely different. This time I truely believe he really has given himself to God completely. This is a man who for all the years I've ever known him never wanted to talk about our burial plans because he hated talking about death. Now he says he's not afraid to die and actually welcomes it. But my husband made so many poor choices about money and life during our 11 years. He used to live for money. He's extremely good at making money and nobody is a better provider than he is. Lord knows he's put up with my lazy and rebellious daughter who thinks she knows it all and her passive husband who is a wonderful husband and a fabulous father but has no clue what to do next unless someone tells him. He took them both in when they both made challenges for themselves in holding a job. He took them under his wing into our business and groomed them to learn this Company and how to make a living and how to become leaders and be better people. Lord knows I'm gratefull for his patience, love and hard work with this issue. This was huge. There is still a lot more work to be done but I'm extremely grateful for all that he has done. The devil has put me through so much all these years. The past month I've been battleing with the devil more than I ever have before. He fills my head with doubts of Jesus. In my head he mocks Jesus. I yell inside and tell the devil to leave me, but then I hear a voice telling him to stay. I'm scared for my soul. I want him gone and I'm fightened that I'm loosing. My husband talks to me about his accomplishments of his new life as a Christian. He tells me daily with happiness and enthusiasm. He says he wants to become a Christian leader. I've told him many times during our marriage that if he would just put all the energy he puts into his illness and instead put it in Christ that I know he could be a fabulous Christian leader and now my dream is coming true. But I find myself scared because he's so much further than I am in truly becoming a REAL Christian. I'm a wanna be and now I can't get this demon out of my mind. It's almost like the demon left my husband and came into me. Help me please! I don't have anyone in Vegas I feel I can come to for help. I don't want to tell my husband because I don't want to want to do anything that may interrupt his journey to Christ. My Church is two blocks down the street from my home, Cornerstone Christian Fellowship. I went on their website hoping they would have something like this so I can seek help in my own Church, but they don't have this and I could not bring myself to just go down to the Church and have to tell them why I want to speak to a Pastor or someone who might be able to help me. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of myself.

Someone we call our friend introduced us to your Church. I love it but it's so far from us. I say we call her our friend because she wants so much to be our friend and I'm trying. I'm nice to her and treat her as our friend but I have a hard time FEELING it. She is one that my husband brought into our bedroom at one point in our marriage. We told her and she understands that that will NEVER happen again and she's okay with this but she is also gay and according to my husband she has told him she has a thing for me. I can't even go there. I try everyday not to think about that and just try to be friends. She doesn't show this to me thank God. If she did I surely would run as fast as I could. The other thing that bothers me is that she's a massage therapist - someone who believes in happy endings in order to make enough money to live off of. God has sent so many challenges to me. A constant battle ground. I haven't closed my door to her because even though he's Jewish she's trying to be a Christian. She's not at the point of committing herself to God, but I'm a sucker for lost souls I guess. I don't know anymore what I am. I was born and raised a Catholic. I went to 12 years of Catholic school. When I became an adult I began seeking another way to worship Jesus and was constantly pulled to the Born Again Christian faith. I know this is where I belong, but I am a lost soul myself. I believe God will be coming soon. I DON'T WANT TO BE LEFT BEHIND. This scares me beyond belief. Help me PLEASE! I could go on, but you get the idea. I've tried to do this on my own and I felt that with God's help I could handle it and I was doing considerably well all these years, but now - it's differnt. I know now I sincerely need help. Thank you.

Isolation and Fear

I'm a single Christian dad with a lot of struggles. After going through a bad divorce, I've found myself isolated and alone. I put on a brave face for my kids and for those who know me from the various ministries in which I serve, but it's getting to be too much. My friends all know me as this "triumphant Christian man", who is spirit-filled and always a source of inspiration, but nothing could be further from the truth. Yes, I know my Bible and I'm able to drag up scriptures and bumper-sticker answers to everyone else's problems and struggles, but I can't seem to find any answers to my own problems.
Here's the deal: I drink - a lot. Always when I'm alone, and in secret. My worry is, what happens when one of my Christian brothers or sisters need me...or if my kids need me to go get them and I've been sitting at home drinking? I'm no good to anybody this way.
Away from church, work, and my time with my kids, I'm always alone.I've created this "safe" little bubble around myself, in which friends and even family have become unwelcome. I'm painfully lonely, but every time I try and break out of that bubble, I'm reminded of how I was hurt by my ex wife and almost all of my best friends (infidelity). I don't want to be alone anymore, but openening myself up seems almost a sucker's bet on being hurt again.
Of course, being a single Christian man, I've chosen chastity and purity...to a point. The computer screen with its readily available images of women has become my "out" for sexuality. I find myself developing a warped view on women and on sex, not only from saturating myself in pornography, but from knowing what the most important woman in my former life has done with a number of my best friends. I was raised to respect and to revere women...this is so not who I am, nor who I want to be.
I'm so tired of living this lie...the lie that says that I'm this Spirit-filled miracle of a person who has overcome such adversity to become a good, solid Christian man. I'm not anything even resembling the kind of person that I want to be in Christ. I'm tired of offering bumper sticker answers, catch-phrases, and uplifting scripture for others, when I can't even help myself. I'm a fraud. What do I do? What can I do, except ask for prayer...I'm stuck.

Rescue ME!!

I'm a christian just struggling with life right now. I've been unemployed for almost 2 years now and left my job two years ago because i get panicky and the thought flashing thru my mind at that point was " i gotta get outta here, i can't breathe!!". So I've been job hunting for another job and want to get my foot in the door within the pet industry (want to eventually go to school for vet assistant). I had a very good feeling about my recent job interview and prayed God would open the door and if He didn't i prayed he would open another one. I didn't get the job :( I called another pet place and I had a connection there with one of the managers. When i called she said she would look at my application and send word around the store because they are hiring. Well i call a week later after she didn't call me when she said she would. Well it turns out she doesn't work there anymore. So I asked for my call to be transferred to a department that was hiring and that i had applied for. The manager in that department snapped at me (cause i guess she was having a bad day) and told me rudely she would look up my application and call me back 2-3 days later.... but of course... she didn't. I didn't want to call back because of the way she was to me on the phone. So I called other pet stores around the valley (closest to home because i don't have a car and would have to use the bus to get to work, and sometimes the bus isn't very reliable... so close to home jobs are my options), and none of them are hiring.... I even applied at a couple fast food joints even though i REALLY REALLY don't want to work with food again and they weren't even hiring. So that's junk problem #1.

I've been overweight for almost all my life and have prayed and prayed and ask God to help me to lose it, but year by year i gain more. It's not even a matter of looking good anymore, it's to get around and be able to fit in seats. last july I had injured my knee real badly again when i was exercizing. I went to the doctor and i had what they called "patello femoral syndrome", it's where the knee cap dislodges itself because the quadricep muscles are too weak to hold the knee cap in place. I did physical therapy for 3 months and recovery was good. But it was also very painful. I felt good about my recovery. Well about a month ago, I was boarding a plane and i had to squeeze in the aisle of seats and was twisting my legs in a weird way to fit and "pop!!!!" my knee cap dislodged itself again... pain, panick and anxiety came over me again. After all that recovery back i'm back to square one it seems. I am very limited to many things because of my weight and my knee. I don't even know how i can even stand for 8 hours at a job, but i know i have to. Everything just feels so hopeless and i keep on praying.

I'm also addicted to nicotine and smoke a pack a day and i'm tired of it controlling my life. I've tried quitting so many times but i guess a part of me wants to keep it around because it relaxes me. It's hard to break away from it because it relaxes me throughout this pain and misery i'm going thru. But i know it's slowly killing me along with my weight... I'm so afraid. It's easier said than done. I'm so tired of being in bondage to my weight, to smoking, to being at home all the time. I feel so very hopeless and have been praying so much. I also feel like God is mad at me or doesn't want to help me because i let myself get this way. I just want to be free so badly. I want Jesus to rescue me from all these things. It's hard to breathe because of all the things weighing down on me.

I also have a very strong christian boyfriend and we are dating long distance. We've seen eachother 6 times this year and he says he plans on marrying me. We have a very good relationship, but of course it's always me who doubts things and can't seem to keep positive feelings going in our relationship. Long story short, i've been molseted/ raped twice, I've been cheated on, i've been taken advantage of and treated like an object rather than a person. I trust my boyfriend partly, but the other part of me doesn't because i'm so afraid someone else will come around in his life and i will be left alone again or that he will grow tired of me. He has done nothing wrong to make me feel these things... like i said it's me.

I'm just hurting so badly and feel so tortured. Can't take it anymore and I can't feel Jesus and i need Him so badly. He's always been there for me and He's my only hope. It's quiet, there's no response yet... I'm on bended knees (even tho it hurts to be on my knees) begging Him for His help, to rescue me......

How do I give this to God and live?

Right now in my life I struggle each day with sexual issues and eating issues. I'm currently living in a place I thought would be so healthy for me. It turns out that I am being smothered more than I am being helped and financially I'm unable to move out on my own due to family illness. I'm never alone anymore and I live like I am much older than I am. I want to live and be young while I still am, but I'm afraid I just won't fit in. Everyday I fight to not go up to the person I live with and tell the person to screw off I don't have to take care of your family and I won't stop telling me I'm fat and I don't have what it takes to make it in the world. The other night I broke down and found myself in the arms of someone who is no good for me in a relationship other than friends. Well drinking happened and I found myself crying in the persons arms later I was screamed at on the phone to come home now and the person holding me telling me don't let this person control you like this. Of course I went I have too much invested to not go back (emotions and stuff). Turns out my sins I'm struggling with are taring my heart and life apart. Understanding this I'm really ready to change it all. I've been saved for a few years now and served at a Christian Church for a while now, but we all still struggle. Once again I am scared that another church will kick me out instead of embrace with you God's grace and help me, which for the record I do believe the Church I'm attending is really the family and place for the embrace I need. I hate it though part of myself for my behavior and a lot for what I deal with on a daily basis where I live. The person I live with is just giving up and won't get back on the horse to get back to work. I go to work every time wonder why the hell I have to deal with this crap. I miss my family and friends but I won't move back. I'm not sure if I can even find a better job yet to afford living with roommates my own age and not with a family. I need it though I feel like I'm being eaten alive. I want to just beat this persons face in sometimes I know it's horrible to say this but I DO!!! I need help...I desperately need prayer before I knock myself off God's path for me completely. I can't go on like this...and there is only one place for me to go..my parents home and to settle for a life I didn't really want. I know God has planned more for me............PLEASE PRAY FOR ME
I hope all I wrote makes sense.

porn addiction and masterbation

i've been trying to stop but i can't, there are times i realize i have a problem, there are times i go to help websites, i know i'm not strong enough alone, i realize and have called out to God for help, but i continue to slip back and disobey, its not enough to confess and ask for help, i'm so tired of this life, i'm 3 years married but it does not help, i'm just tired and need to grow up.

I am addicted to porn.

I want to stop looking and masturbating, but I can't seem to. I keep trying to play the promise game with God, but that doesn't work either. I've hidden my habit for years...from my family when I was a teenager, and from my wife now that I am an adult.

I'm a professional Christian. People pay me to come to their churches...over 100 of them each year. If they only knew the truth, my ministry would be down the drain. Who'd want a porn-addicted speaker in front of their families, anyway?

Sometimes I go almost a month without failing...sometimes I can't make it a full day. I'm so tired of the feelings afterward...mainly guilt. And the thought that my ministry could be destroyed tomorrow because of my lack of pursuit of holiness is what haunts me the most.

Maybe it's guilt from the enemy. Maybe it's conviction that God will strip me of my blessings. Maybe that's bad theology and God's grace is much greater than his desire to see me fail. Honestly, at this point, I don't really know.

What I do know is this: I need to quit. And I can't seem to be able to figure out how.

Father, help me. Make me strong. Draw me close to you...

Relationship and financial struggles

I've been in a relationship for more than two years, he is truly my best friend. I can't imagine my life without him. But there are so many aspects of our life and relationship that aren't healthy: we haven't had sex in months; our financial situation and how we view finances is a constant point of contention; his insecurities about my past relationships get in the way of us moving forward. I love him more than anything, but I want more when it comes to a relationship with someone I plan to spend the rest of my life with. However, the thought of walking away from him and the relationship rips my heart apart.

Lord I ask that you give me the strength and wisdom to work through this, please guide me towards the right path and help me remain convicted, with faith, in Your decision.

BEEN CHEATED ON...

My husband cheated on me. He had on ongoing relationship of about 6-7 months and I am devastated. He got down on his knees and asked for forgiveness, but I can't. Part of me wants to try, but another part of me wants to call it quits. This is the second time he cheats on me. Please God help me make the right decision. Help me forgive and move on.
Devastated...

Struggles with depression and anxiety

Hi all.

I am a Christian with bipolar disorder. I am currently pretty stable, with occasional anxiety. I try to give it to God, but seems Xanax and God work best together.

Several years ago, I experienced a mood swing and left my marriage of 23 years. I also left my 17 year old daughter with her father. Today, that is the greatest anguish of my life. I miss my family so much. Now my daughter is 23, but I feel I missed so much time together with my family that I will never retrieve.

I know that God is building my relationships back with both of them, and is giving me new friendships at the church I attend.

The main thing I want people to know about being bipolar is that I want all the same things other people do out of life. It's just that I have been given extreme moods which make life more difficult.

I just want love and acceptance, and to give it back in exchange.

God bless anyone who takes the time to read this post. And God bless the pastor at the church I attend.

failed marriage

my marriage failed because of me and i couldnt deal with it or accept it

STOLE FOOD FROM GROCERY TO COMPULSIVLY EAT

For many years, eating have been a friend, lover, and a dumping ground. I am just now in my life turning it over to Jesus and surrendering this so I can grow in my faith and learn the word of God and his master plan

masturbation and sexual lusts

For years I have struggled with masturbation and sexual lusts that ranged from the mundane to perverse. I could not stop masturbating through either of my marriages and it took more and more to get me to the point of release that eventually I had to actually go and try the things that I fantasized about to get that rush. I was addicted to sex the same as a person gets addicted to booze or drugs. Sex provided that rush that I thought I had to maintain to be happy. I finally allowed God to show me my problem and opened the door for Him to fix the problem...although sometimes I slip backwards, He is there for me and forgives and heals.

Some days are better than others...some days I remember to rely on His strength, and some days I don't...and try to fight on my own (always a losing battle).

Through the grace of God, I have not been physically sexually active since November, 2007, although I have and still do struggle from day to day with the mental lusts. When I am closest to the Father I don't struggle as much, but when I am not as close, I do. I am just thankful for His Grace and His constant forgiveness....

The price of freedom; eternal vigilance and strife

All my life I’ve searched for freedom. As a child it was freedom to do things on my own. It was freedom from school and mundane routines. It was freedom to see who I was and could become without persecution from parents or so called friends. As a teen, it didn’t change much, only became harder to navigate and more pressures saying I couldn’t be what I was to become. I was taught the only way to overcome obstacles that got in your way was to go through them, over them, or around them… My father tried to teach me the best he could. He died when I was about 22 and before I could seek his counsel on the hardest down spiral in my life… I’ve hit bottom several times. I’m barely keeping my head above water. When I finally see a chance to climb out of this ocean of despair, someone or something always comes along to kick me back into the deepest parts.
My life is still filled with despair and distraught times… though through it all, God’s hand is always apparent and obvious in my life. He’s never let me drown and taught me many lessons. The largest and I think most important of his lessons is to always stand vigilant if I want freedom. I’ll admit I, like most, get lost in worldly things and lose track of my watch and then end up kicked back into the ocean. But for most of the time, I keep watchful. God always throws me a rope and begins dragging me back out every time. I feel broken and ashamed most days, but most people who know me would never see that or know it. I’m always a failure that lets God down.
The freedom I seek now is much different than it was in my youth. Financial freedom would be a nice one to find… most can relate to that one. Freedom from pain is another I would love to find but accepted that it is something to endure and must have purpose. I suffer from a form of arthritis that I’ve had since early childhood that is throughout my body. Unfortunately, pain and discomfort is not enough for a doctor to mark you as even partially disabled so even though I am very limited in what I can do in the way of employment, if I ask for assistance I can’t prove it and get turned down due to “I could work at a more physically demanding job” and make a larger income.
God doesn’t want to see me struggle as much as I do and it breaks my heart that he has to see it and watch me fail each time. When I do remember to keep my watch, I’m very good now at avoiding trouble and those who would seek to bring it against me. I’ve failed and been beaten down so many times though it’s hard for me to get back up anymore. I still do. I’m standing again, for a little while at least before I have to stand back up again. He taught me never to give up… always to try and keep hope in his promise.
What breaks my heart most when I fail… isn’t that God watches me fall onto my face, it’s that he always sends some blessing to help me stand back up and try again. He’s always smiling on me and it hurts that I can’t once succeed for him. I failed in my last marriage. For years I despaired and struggled with the grief and guilt of that failure. My heart healed from most of it but there were still parts that kept me from standing up completely. God has reached out with his never ending love and grace to give me the blessing of a woman that loves me greater than anything I’ve ever known and a child that I hope will someday see me if not as a dad, as a best friend. I’m now standing again and moving forward, knowing I can love again and feel loved in ways I’ve never experienced before.
I keep financially failing, mostly from the lack of making it… but also from often making a slight mistake in expectations. Like this one of expecting routine clients and monthly incomes only to suddenly find myself 3 days from rent due and $340 short of paying it because a client unexpectedly had to go to Europe and won’t be back for the routine work until 2 weeks from now…
My heart tells me to call my small group but it breaks with the thought because I know they would help even if it hurt them and I want to be the one to help not be helped for a change. For once I would like to succeed so God can smile not because he sees me trying and helps me again, but because my success was the blessing and his smile the reward.
The freedom I want and seek most desperately now, is the freedom from failure… why does freedom have to be such an eternal struggle of strife and keeping always vigilant or lose the freedom we seek and fought so hard to finally obtain…

Somewhere, in an ocean of failure…
holding tightly to the rope of hope God has thrown again.

Pray for me...please

I found out on Saturday night, I listened to his voicemail and there 'she' was. Whispering that she loved him. My husband. I was a selfish, foolish woman 7 years ago, and I had an affair with him, he left his wife and married me. Of course that only led to an unbelievable amount of devastation, anger, hostility between his wife and children, and me 'coming in the back door', hello I'm your new step-mom. It took years for his children to trust me, to be able to say out loud how I hurt them, and eventually they say they came to love me. But now. Now I am getting what I deserve, I know. My pain is in so many different directions. I cried for hours and hours this weekend. I cried for all of us. For the family that eventually came together that is now shattered. For the realization of the pain I caused to his 1st wife, I know that pain now, and I am filled with shame and remorse. Why? Why? Why did I start down this road so many years ago? I had never done such a thing before, and all during the affair I fought my conscience. But I was selfish, I wanted to feel good and damn the consequences. And now my sin has come back to me, and I'm lost. Please Lord give me stength to face this day, and all the days to come. I cant do this alone. Please guide me.

Drowning my life away in a bottle of booze

First of all: I'm glad I found this website. I've been to a Christian Church only once (Christmas.)

I've finally come to the fact that I have a drinking problem. I'm only 25 now, but started drinking since I turned 21. Drinking has affected my life. There was a time in my life when I was popular and just an all around good guy. People would come to me for advice and I was very friendly. Now... I'm very anti-social and have bad anxiety/depression.

I drink a 12 pack of beer everynight after work. It cost me about $300 a month!

I moved to Vegas about a year ago to live with My Dad. He is an alcoholic like me...and so things got worse. My Dad lost his job because of the economy and has moved away. I found a roomate to live with and HE is also an alcoholic like me.

It seems like things get worse everyday. I'm sorry to complain to whoever reads this. I am a very hard worker and I want to change my life. I want to help others who need it!

Does anyone have a time/place or information about what I can do? Thank you for your time.

I can't go one living life like this

I feel like i've lost passion for everything i've ever loved. My love for my dad is gone, my brother's love for me is gone. My passion and love for dance is gone. And as terrible as it is to say, I feel like God as lost love and respect for me. I feel like these things are God trying to tell me something and I don't understand why. I need a sign God; I really need a sign. I feel like dieing

eating disorder

I have an eating disorder and it has helped me to lose all the weight I had.I say had now because I'm a 5ft female that weighs 97lbs from 160lbs. Congrats would be in order if now I wouldn't be obsessed about every calorie I put in my mouth, which in turn makes me binge and of course purge... and it's getting worse everyday. I want to stop, but the big thing about stopping is that I may gain weight, and even the thought of tipping the scale at 100lbs sends me in to hysteria. I wish there was somewhere to turn, and I wish I was strong enough to turn to it.

I'm destroying my life w/ sexual addiction

I have had this addiction for a long time. Since I have been in Las Vegas i have floated in and out of recovery. I want to get clean but then I don't. I want to blame it on my wife and her lack of desire but I know its my resposnibility to be pure. Despite what she does I am still repsonble to God, and my family. I am literally letting this destroy EVERY ASPECT of my life. My marriage, my family, my business, my finances, (eventually) my reputation, EVERYTHING THAT MEANS ANYTHING. I have NO friendships. I have no real relationships. Even now as i was just caught .. i want to engage. why o why .. when i am ready .. or so i feel to get w/ someone the person is out of town??? why does this happen.. why??? why can't I be free. Why is there a huge part of me that doesn't want to be free. Yet part of me knows there is NO freedom in sin.. Where are the answers.. I have been a christian for 20 years.. what good is it doing me .. I am a disgrace to GOD, My WIFE, MY CHILDREN, EVERYTHING. Why o why do I go on ... I see the TRAIN COMING AT ME.. FULL STEAM .. YET I DON"T GET OFF THE TRACKS?? WHY?WHY WHY??????? I am caught .. and I want to carry on .. HOW STUPID AM I??

Thrown Away

Five weeks ago Sunday last. I was thrown away by the family I loved and supported through this journey with Christ. It has made it very difficult to be connected to the church through a series at my church. I am at peace with the Lord. But I am having a tough time with the church. Please pray for me,

Too Blessed

I've gotten into a situation where I'm just too comfortable. All my financial needs, physical needs, mental and emotional needs are met. I have everything I've always wanted and needed, and now I feel like I don't need God anymore. I've taken to resting on my laurels and taking things for granted. God has been relegated to being someone who you give a thank you card to every once in a while, even when you don't really know them.

I've become an animalistic person, interested only in food and sleep and sex, and I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore. It's like physical comfort is eating away at my soul, and I'm afraid of losing myself when I don't have hardship to fight against anymore. The comfortable life is soul-shattering.

God, please give me some adversity, that I might learn to need you and lean on you for everything, as I once did.

I've never talked about this with anyone

When I was in middle school I used to go into my mom's room while she was at work and put on her clothes. I still feel really dirty about it and I've never felt ok talking about it with anyone. I don't have any urges to do things like that now but at the same time I worry that I will have them again some day.

Failure in life, love-everything

failure, yes I have it, I have been a failure in marriage 3 times, love many times and don't seem to get it. I love but not all the way. Fear yes don't want to be hurt again. I allowed myself to get so deep that I lost my inside--- heart/feelings. I care, yes, but do I really love. What is love, I am confused. I failed in financial affairs. I am loosing my home, I Thank God I have a job.....and many friends. I do feel alone at times. My husband of 20 years. Left me and divorced me in less that 30 days.. Yes lost. I keep my faith by reading, writing and 12 step program. I love coming to Church and have for 6 years. I need Church. I am rambling. Thank you for being a community of givers, that it is o.k. to come as I am. I Thank God for his Grace.

addiction to pain meds

Please pray that the Lord will help me I am in a lot of pain everyday due to chrons disease and a herniated disc in my back along with rh arthrits and im only 36!! been on pain meds 5 yrs..please help me my doc put me on the fentanyl transdermal patch but im still addicted to lortabs:( please help me and and believe with me the lord will lift this want and desire from me and the withdrawls will go away tysm!!
love and hugs

gambling and homosexual actions

I have struggled with these issues for most of my adult life. I recently went thru a divorce and it seamed to intensive these actions. I am here today to put these actions in the hands of a loving God. I pray for his forgiveness and mercy.

Give me strength

The only place I have to look for strength is in Him. I have to be strong for my daughter and for myself, but I am so broken-hearted. How you do get over a love that you know will be there forever? I know this is something I have to do, not only to be a better mother but to prove to myself that I have the strength. Please Lord, I believe in you and love you and know that you are there for me. But now, I need you in my face, helping me everyday. How can a relationship that does have love in it fall apart and be so hurtful? I have tried to make it work but I feel like because I try to be the imagine that God wants, I am getting pushed around and manipulated. I thought he would be the one that I would marry and now feel like a fool?

trust and forgiveness

I lied to my boyfriend about being pregnant, not because I thought he would stay. We had been on an emotional roller coaster for months, him breaking up with me over the smallest thing. I got to a point that this last time that he broke things off with me that I want to make him feel bad for awhile about leaving. I was in complete shock when he decided that he wanted a baby and to be together. I had felt so guilty the moment that I had told the lie I just wanted to have never said it. Then I felt as though things would get worse if I told him what I had done. I'm not like this, I don't lie about anything and especially something this big. I knew that in my heart things were going to go very badly and they did. A week later he caught me in the lie and now he's gone. I've been so mad, disappointed, ashamed of myself for doing such a stupid thing. Regardless, of the things that he did to me it does not excuse my behavior or action. I know better, I am a better person than that. Since, I've been looking into myself to see exactly were all this crazy came from for me to act so irresponsibly. I know that GOD is pruning my branches at this moment in time and making me a better person when its all done. I need only his strength to get through this. I'm having a hard time not hating myself and trying to forgive myself for what I've done.

boyfriend problems

i have been with him for 4 years, and he has become so verbally abusive that i'm starting to not feel so good about myself. he is a drug addict. i am not. he smokes weed since he was 12. he smokes many times in a day, first thing when he wakes up, chronic he calls it. he takes lortab 10 mg sometimes several times in a day, he takes soma alot and he drinks many beers in a day. he hangs with teenagers and kids in early 20's. hes 40. i am tired of the drugs but never wanted to give up on the love. pretty sure he is bi-polar. two years ago i was passionately in love with him. i tried to approach him today to tell him the drugs are making him mean. he shoved me and my left side is badly scraped from his hands grabbing me and shoving me. i landed on the floor. i did not call the police. i don't care if he goes to jail. i didn't want him to die on drugs. but i am dying inside. i want to let him go. he doesn't want to quit drugs. i want to quit loving him. how do i do this? he's a charmer, and the passion has always exceeded anything. he laughs at me for going to church. i want free from him, but he always talks me into coming back to him. im not setting a good example for my daughter, and im not happy with me anymore. i need help.

Failure in life, love - EVERYTHING

Where to begin. I am lost and very much in pain. I have found myself spinning into a black hole of depression. I have a little girl that thinks the world of me and still I cannot see past all the imperfections of my life. I have been involved with a married man for 3 years and it has brought me to my knees. This man never ever has fullfilled his promises. He has been too interested in his own PERFECT life to really let us into it. Promises made - Promises broken! All the while I have believed him, and not myself. Who do you trust? I have many times wanted to kill myself. Knowing that this would only satisfy him and hurt and destroy all the people that TRULY DO Love me. I have hurt the people that love me, all to keep this person in my life. WHY WHY WHY? This is the million dollar question. I have become somewhat of a leper in my own mind. Cannot struggle anymore with this. Don't want to turn it over - because I probably deserve it! I knew what I was doing - but I did it anyway. What a complete and utter fool I have been. I want so badly to get out of this! I don't know how. I have and continue to live in sin. I have destroyed all that I was. For What? LOVE????? Please- thats Love? I would not know it if it knocked me in the face. Have no feeling now. dont trust anyone.....ever. I once knew that I was good......but, that is all a part of my past, I once knew what it felt like to have a little happiness, that too is gone now. I once was the person that everyone enjoyed being with, that too is gone. I am a liability, I am not worth the skin i am in. I want this to stop, I want to be forgotten, like I never was born. If this is all there is, I DON'T WANT IT!!!!!!!!

Drinking alcohol and having no self-control

I am 31 years old and just realized that I have a problem with alcohol. I don't crave it and have to have it, but I can't just have one or two and be good. I drink too much at one time and then end up embarassing myself and angering others around me. Last night I had way too much to drink, I started getting aggrivated about something. I don't remember most of what I did, but I deffinately embarassed myself professionally. I woke up this morning still intoxicated, I did not have my ring on, which tells me that I was not faithfull in my heart and mind. I had to be put in my room by force. I feel like a complete idiot. I feel like I've let down all the folks that think I'm a "pretty decent guy", I've let down myself, my wife, my children, and most of all, I know I've let God down. I prayed for forgiveness for my drunkeness, and my unfaithful heart. I feel pretty bad right now. I need strength. I need to know that I can recover from this, spiritually, mentally, and professionally.

Prostitution

I have a secret life as a prostitute - Its a life I left behind many years ago when I first gave my life to Christ and married. Now 20 years later I find myself in Las Vegas - widowed and the victim of a disaster. That old lifestyle called me back and as I sank deeper and deeper into the sexual underground I began to lose myself. On the outside I appear normal - I work in an office and am raising children. How could I let myself go out like this after I had changed my life around before. Its not really about the money - I make enough money on my job to live ok - it fills this hole inside of me, an empty place that can only be filled with being wanted and desired.
I have quit now for a few weeks and cut contact with the people in the lifestyle but ask for your prayers for strength and I pray that God will please put some people in my path that will help to lead me back to a lifestyle that I can proud of.

Abortion

I have been struggling with a choice that I made in the past. when I was younger I got pregnant & I decided it was the best for me at that point in my life to have an abortion. I look back at my life from then to now & I know that it was a good choice cause my life has been crazy since then & I can't imagine having a child drug along all that mess. But I still struggle with it everyday. When I look around and I see everyone around me with their kids, I get sad. I was in a serious relationship in the past & we were tryin to have kids & I couldn't get pregnant; we broke up so I guess that was a blessing in its own. My biggest fear is that when I get to that point in my life I won't be able to have kids because of the choice that I made. I can't seem to forgive myself & let it go, and I keep telling my self that God will never forgive me (joys of growing up catholic) I think about it more than those around me know. It kills me inside & I wish I could let go.

pray for my son

He was taken to Juvenile hall last week and is now confined another 9 days for something he did admit to. He is an honor student, has lots of friends, is a good brother, cousin, son, nephew, person. Please pray that the judge doesn't charge him with a felony. Please pray it is dropped to a misdemeanor. Other than this 1 minute mistake, poor judgement on his part, he is such a good person. I have told several people, neighbors, fellow church members and ofcourse family who were ALL floored that he could do something to get in trouble. He was baptized last summer,has gone to church camp, knows and loves God and wants to contunue his walk. If he can come home and heal, it would be wonderful for the family. I am a divorced mother and his Dad just doesn't get that his son needs him. I can only visit him on Sunday evenings, I miss him so much. He is treated decent at the juvenile detention center, but it's not home. I quit my job so I could be here for him, as I'm sure the judge will order. Please pray that this won't go on his permanent record as a felony, I don't want a mistake he made as a minor to haunt him the rest of his life. He is so remorseful, asks forgivness everyday, is reading the bible in his cell. I want him to have a second chance at living the life he knows he wants. Thank you for reading and thank you for your prayers.God Bless you.

Broken down.

what do you do when the man of your dreams pushes u away as if he didn't care. but this isn't the first time. how is it when times get tough in a relationship people bail without trying, without fighting, without doing everything godly possible to make it work. when you talk to them they get all defensive and break you down by your past mistakes. I'm not perfect and i realize that. We were married before and divorced this past July we came back together in Dec. to try and make this work. how do you get them to let go of your mistakes and move forward. every time we fight now and i bring something up that is bothering me about him, he jumps to the defense "well i can't let go of the things you've done to me before and i can't let you in, things aren't the same blah blah" but he has done the same thing to me and as the Christian woman i am i learned to forgive him and love him unconditional. Yes i understand were not married anymore, but to share my life with someone else would never be like sharing it with him. I just want him to let go of the mistakes that i made, as i have let go of his, so we can receive the great things the lord has in store for us. what he obviously doesn't understand being a Christian man himself, until you let go of past hangups there will not be new things for you to enjoy. I'm so torn apart, i love him and I'm praying the lord will help him see this through. Life isn't the same without him. Don't get me wrong when we are together and we are not worrying about such issues we have the time of our lives, we act like kids all over again, laughing, joking, having the best times, kissing and having the inability to stop touching, hugging, and staring at each other. I sit back and I'm scared to lose that with him, I'm scared of not being able to fix this and enjoy our lives as we once did. i can't find the right words to say to him, or even the right things to do. it seems like everything i do is wrong and it pushes him further and further away from me.
Dear father- please give me the strength to see this relationship through its tough part. Lord i ask you to show him the right away and help him to learn of forgiveness and grace. Father i am hurting right now, i feel lost and scared and all alone. I realize lord that it is you that controls me, it is you that controls my relationships. I'm putting this in your hands lord so you can fix it and allow you to work in him so we can be one again. I thank you lord for loving me and allowing to be forgiven, i ask you lord to watch over him and me and i pray that this isn't a lost cause. i say all this in your name AMEN

ocd

I can't stop my obsessive-compulsive thoughts. I think horrible things about God, my family...Then I pray, but while I'm praying, I think more horrible thoughts. Then I have to pray again...and again...and again. I get frustrated and stressed. I know God doesn't want me to live my life like this. I've been dealing with this for years. I want to pray and read the Bible like a normal person, and not feel horrible and blashphemous. The more I try to stop the thoughts, the worse it gets. I don't have the same relationship with God that I used to. It is mostly me feeling guilt and praying to be in God's good graces again. The OCD makes it so stressful and frustrating. I don't think God wants me to live like this, or for our relationship to be like this. I am seeing a counselor, but I wonder if I should be able to handle it through God and not need extra help. I feel like I'm not letting Him work because I don't know if He will help me or not. I feel guilty for getting psychiatric help. I feel guilty for wanting antianxiety medication. Shouldn't I not need these things if I'm faithful enough? Does God blame me? And does he forgive me for my bad thoughts without me having to ask? I don't want to be this way. I want to be good...

Giving it to Jesus. Jesus' Grace save me

I would like to drop all my problems--give them to Jesus:
laziness
Internet porn
lying to myself
overeating
money problems--feeling unworthy
argumentativeness
The problem isn't primarily these things, but the sinful self they come from.
I am crucified with Christ.
Risen again.
Jesus take this junk from me, please. Amen.

Hidden Money Messes

I am successful single woman who has a well paying job. But my secret is that I have not been paying my credit cards for over a year. It started when I moved, and became late on bills because they weren't forwarded in time. But I started to avoid it...and then, I started to get collection calls - and I still get them to this day. I'm so afraid and ashamed to even return their calls, knowing that I will 'get in trouble' from the person on the other end. I don't listen to any messages on my voicemail, and don't answer any numbers that aren't familiar on my phone. I'm so scared....I know I've ruined my credit; ruined my chances of ever buying a house. I dread the day that I will have to apply for a line of credit - car, home - or even for possible landlords to check my credit. Silly thing is, I have had the money to pay for it the whole time....I pay my student loans and car payment regularly, and have never been late before - EVER. All of my friends are responsible adults in their 30s with good credit, and here I am....messing up my future. It would kill me if any of them found out. I get a horrible feeling in my stomach everytime the phone rings, wondering if it's another collector...... Please, Lord, give me the courage and the guidance to deal with this issue and resolve it once and for all.....

masturbation

Wow, I can't believe I'm posting this. I am in a struggle with masturbation and viewing porn on the internet.

Porn Pastor

I'm a licensed minister. I'm a porn addict. I'm trying to get accountable, but it seems like things are always set against me. I'm trying to set up accountability, but the guys don't show up, or are not honest.

I tried xxxchurch software on my mac. It doesn't work.

I'm lonely, I'm scared, and I want out. Pray for me.

trust and forgiveness

i had problems with lying. about very pointless immature things to my boyfriend. i was lying b/c i was trying not to lose another friend who was a guy. i hurt so many people doing this for almost 3yrs or so. i feel so low and ive asked for forgiveness so many times and was never forgiven. this sounds so pointless but when you lose someone you really care about it hurts. and it makes your day just not the same. im still hurting to this day b/c not to much time has passed. but im praying every day that its just going to take time. ive told this person im sorry and didnt want it to end this way. and i wish he'd understand. i still love him and care about his life. there were things in his life that weren't to up to par either and i was really searching for the Godly relationship ive longed for so long. he hurt me to by looking at porn, gambling, drinking, and living his own life and when i confronted him he said it was b/c i lied to him about the other guy. i just wanted security. i want someone who's not going to do those things to me. i want forgiveness and frienship again. ive already asked God to forgive me and He has, but im growing more in Him than i ever was and i just pray one day that that man will find out the joy God has planned for him too. its so hard to be with someone who's not a christian and then when your not perfect they judge you and don't forgive. im hurting and have no one to tell and i just needed to get this out.

marriage

Please pray for my marriage/family. Pray that I will be able to forgive my husband of all his lies. Pray that I will have the strength to over come all our obstacles. Pray that his heart will be softened by God to get in-touch with a support group that will strengthen him. Pray he will have the wisdom and strength to pull out of the temptations he falls into.

one screwed up

to make a long story short, i am a 38yo pastor who has been in the ministry for about 8 years. i recently resigned from my job because i was caught taking money from a fund at church. i am also addicted to porn and the feeling that i can't trust anyone. so the question i now ask:"why in the world did God decide that i needed to be a pastor?" i am a complete failure, loser and a shame to all i have ever led in any church i have ever been at. so what's a broken leftover like me to do? i guess it's just one day at a time. it's hard to walk around with my head up. i had that problem before this last incident but now it's even worse. did i misunderstand God about my calling? where did it all go wrong? or was it all wrong to begin with? i guess time will tell but in the meantime my family, my name, my calling has been shamed beyond anything i can imagine. i know God loves me and blah, blah,blah, but stealing from a church? addicted to porn? it's hard to even look in the mirror because i hate what i see. i hate the fact that people will even look at my small children different. about 2 months ago i wanted to end all this mess by shooting myself in the head with my .357 magnum. some people say suicide is pretty selfish but if you haven't been in that place don't even say a word. you'd never understand. i guess life goes on but where does it go from here. this is really the first time i've been open about all this.

I want to forgive and be free

Struggling to forgive my father for the way he betrays and manipulates my mother and me and my brother. Wanting to believe God for miracles for my father's mental and emotional healing and freedom. Wanting to believe that God has something wonderful for my future and that I am neither trapped by the sins of my father nor destined to repeat them.

DIVORCE

I AM A 52 YEAR OLD MAN. I HAVE BEEN ATTENDING A CHRISTIAN CHURCH FOR ABOUT 8 YEARS BUT HAVE NOT JOINED YET. OVER THE LAST 6 MONTHS I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE. BACKGROUND: MY EX-WIFE HAS HAD A MENTAL ILLNESS SINCE WE WERE ABOUT 30 YEARS OLD. SHE DEVELOPED A GAMBLING ADDICTION ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO. SO WE HAVE LIVED WITH NO MONEY TO PAY BILLS UNTIL LAST AUGUST. WHAT LEAD UP TO THE DIVORCE WAS THAT SHE ALWAYS WANTED MONEY TO GO PLAY, AS SHE CALLED IT. SHE WOULD COME TO MY WORK SHE WOULD WAKE ME UP A ANYTIME DURING THE NIGHT TO GO TO THE A T M TO GET HER MORE MONEY. IF I WOULD TRY TO REFUSE SHE WOULD GET VIOLENT. I HAVE MY OWN CHECKING ACCOUNT BUT SHE WOULD TAKE MY CHECKS TO A STORE AND GET CASH. SHE WOULD SAY SHE SENT BILLS WITH MY CHECKS OUT ON FRIDAY THEN AS MONEY GOT LOW SHE WOULD TELL ME THAT SHE DID NOT ACTUALLY SEND THE CHECK. THEN MONDAY MORNING AS I WOULD LEAVE FOR WORK SHE WOULD SAY OH BY THE WAY I DID SEND THAT CHECK. SO I WOULD HAVE TO BORROW TO GET THE MONEY BACK IN THE BANK.SINCE ARE SEPARATION IN AUGUST WHEN OUR MARRIED DAUGHTER, WHO LIVES AT OUR HOUSE TO GET BACK ON THEIR FEET BECAUSE OF THE ECONOMY, GOT TIRED OF HEARING THE CURSING AND HITTING THAT MY EX WAS CONSTANTLY DOING SHE CALL THE POLICE AND SHE WAS ARRESTED. AT WHICH POINT SHE WENT TO LIVE WITH HER MOM UNTIL HER MON KICKED HER INTO THE STREETS. SINCE THAT TIME I HAVE BEEN PROVIDING A BUDGET SUITE. DURING THE COURSE OF THE LAST 4 MONTHS SHE WOULD COME TO MY WORK AND HOME DEMANDING MORE MONEY. I HAVE BEEN PUTTING A 120.00 IN HER OWN ACCOUNT EVERY FRIDAY FOR THE LAST YEAR AND FEW MONTHS. I ALSO GOT A RESTRAINING ORDER TO TRY TO STOP ALL THIS. SHE IGNORED THE RESTRAINING ORDER AND ABOUT 2 WEEKS AGO SHE CAME TO THE HOUSE AND WAS THROWING A BIG CEMENT BLOCK AT THE FRONT DOOR. I CALLED THE POLICE AND SHE WAS TAKEN AWAY. SHE ENDED UP AT THE HOSPITAL FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE AND ONCE THEY GOT THAT STABILIZED THEY TOOK HER TO MONTE VISTA.DURING THAT TIME OUR DIVORCE WAS FINALE, HOWEVER AFTER 10 DAYS THE INSURANCE WOULD NOT PAY ANY MORE SO THE HOSPITAL SENT HER BACK OUT IN TO THE STREETS. SO IT ALL BEGINS AGAIN. THE REASON I AM DUMPING ALL THIS HERE IS BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE GOD IS ANGRY WITH ME FOR NOT HONORING MY VOWS. BUT HOW MUCH DOES A PERSON HAVE TO TAKE. I FEEL EXTREMELY BAD ABOUT ALL THIS. I JUST WISH I COULD FEEL ALRIGHT AGAIN IT HAS BEEN YEARS. ANYWAY I WISH I COULD SAY THAT THERE IS A HAPPY ENDING BUT I CAN NOT SEE IT YET.I REALIZE THAT SHE NEEDS HELP. BUT I CAN NOT DO IT ANY MORE SINCE SHE ATTACKS HER CARE GIVERS TO GET WHAT SHE WANTS. I NEED TO KNOW THAT JESUS IS STILL FOR ME AND HAS NOT ABANDONED ME. IN HER ATTACKS SHE HAS TOLD ME OVER AND OVER HOW JESUS IS ANGRY WITH ME AND THAT I HAVE LEFT THE BRIDE OF MY YOUTH. IT IS VERY HARD TO SEPARATE ALL THIS. ANY WAY THANKS FOR THIS PLACE TO VENT.

Finances and Taxes

Please I don't know where to turn. Everyday I pray and God does have mercy on me, but I need help with my finances. I used to make good money doing mortgages and before that I worked as a massage therapist on the strip. Now I cannot afford the fees for the testing and licencing fees for the state massage board. I have been using a forged licence so I can work locally, but I need my licence to work back on the strip. Ever since the mortgage industry bust, I have been struggeling every month to make ends meet. I just need direction and advice on what to do, also my credit is in bad standing and I have not paid taxes for several years. My past has caught up with me. Please Jesus, help me and give me the courage, strength and grace to get my life in order. Help me with my faith, I turn it over to you lord.

FORGIVENESS

Please pray for me in the area of forgiveness, not only for others who have hurt me, but for myself. Please pray for a restoration of my relationship with my 21 year old son and that he can become the man that God created him to be.

HELP I'm sinking.

Today was a nightmare!! I found out my husband of 20 years had a "fling" He confessed because the other womans boyfriend was going to tell me. I am so confused. He wants to make it work. It was just sex, I don't know why I did it,She didn't take no for an answer, I caved. It meant nothing,.... He is relieved, because the guilt was getting to him..So he says. I don't know what to think. I thought this was the man I was destin to spend my life with. Do I try to save my marriage/family. I don't want to be betrayed again. I need guidance. I'm so lost, ashamed of what he did. Dear Lord, Please guild me in the right direction.

LIFESTYLE

EACH DAY I REGRET MY PAST CHOICES OF DEALING, USING AND A LIFE SHAPED AROUND DRUGS. I WAS TOTALLY MESMERIZED FROM AGE 13 TO HAVE MONEY POWER AND RESPECT IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD. NOW AT 31 WITH 2 CHILDREN BY 2 DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIPS I FEEL OVERWHELMED LOOKING BACK @ MY ADOLESCENCE. FROM 4 YEARS OF STATE PENITENTARY 5 YRS OF PAROLE @ 19. I TRY TO FIND MY NEW DIRECTION IN LIFE I CHOOSE TO BE A NEW CREATION WITH GOD'S LOVE MY MOTIVATION. I USED AND ABUSED WOMEN TRYING TO FULFIL A VOID WITHIN ME BE SUCKED IN AND MANIPULATED BY SATAN (DISGUISED IN RAP MUSIC LYRICS, MOTION PICTURE THEMES) WHOM I CHOSE TO EXPOSE TODAY AS THE WICKEDNESS THAT POSSESSED ME DURING MY IGNORANCE. AS I STILL STRUGGLE TODAY NOT WITH ADDICTION OR BEFUDDLEMENT BUT FINDING WHERE MY PLACE IS BE IN GODS KINGDOM HERE ON EARTH. I AM A CHILD OF GOD. AMEN

insecurity

Hi i hate this feeling i always have is insecurity
I do not want anymore..it starts in the morning and lasts all day all night days n week years!! Im tired of it!! It ruin me and my husband of almost 14 years together.. I never always feel the love i should that he has for me!!! I want it to stop!!!Please help!!!!!!

cutting

I cut myself. I use to like it. I thought it was helping things. It doesn’t help anything for long, it even causes more problems. I don’t know what to do. I say I wont do it again but then the urges come and instead of being strong I surrender to it. It’s a problem that I need to face dead on.
I’ve been cutting myself for about 5 almost 6 years now, It’s not something I do all the time, just on and off. I started when I was a freshman in high school. I don’t know what exactly led me to start it in the first place but a family member of mine would make me do some inappropriate things that I never got over. I still to this day have some major problems with dealing with them.
It’s a problem that’s just spiraling out of control instead of getting better. I think about it constantly. At work, in the car, when I’m at home trying to relax. I’ve finally come to realize just how bad I’ve really been hurting myself. It scares me to know that the next time I cut myself could do worse damage then I’ve already done. That I could wind up accidently killing myself. Which is not my intention.

learning to listen & forgive !!!!!!!

This subject is big I'm like an angry history book. I don't believe I've ever learned to forgive & am just considering the thought now because my inner hard drive is full & I'm afraid this with my current challenges will cause me to crash & burn! So I am listening more than ever. The funny thing is, I'm just starting to listen.Now the act of forgiving thats complicated , or is it? You know carrying the baggage of memory of something or someone happening or doing something to you. Must take space & effort & piece of mind from you. So as you say I need to dump my junk. But it's hard cause it's mine all mine,mine..mine mine!!!Now to float like a butterfly & sting like a bee I need to over come adaped & succeed.We all do Some now, some later, some for now. But as brothes & sisters we need to pick up the slack were we need to,this I'm sure. To FORGIVE, this releases me of the adverse affects of anger plus may teach me some small level of grace, or not. It will allow my mind than my body to heal, in turn will allow me to acomplish whatever it is the lord put me here for. I know that God, & my brother Jesus love & want me & all of us to be happy with this wonderful gift,[our lives'>.Now to truely enjoy this we must share them & forgive!Those who have hurt me. I FORGIVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

unknown emotions

I have been married for almost 5 years, and I didn't realize I was killing it. I'm not an emotional person when it comes to expressing how I feel. I lost my Aunt to Diabetes 4 years ago, she was my world. I believe I lost a part of me when she left. In that time, I refrained from intimacy with my husband which I didn't know was a problem. I would be o.k. sometimes, but majority of the time, I had no feeling left at all. I hated it, but didn't know how to get that back. I felt lost. Me & husband are Christians, and were very involved in our church. We would pray "separately" searching for answers but nothing seemed to change. Recently my husband expressed to me that he was fed up, and his feelings had left me. In which case he started developing feelings for another woman. I felt crushed. I never considered his feelings at all, basically I didn't fight for what I already had. Needless to say, we are still together, but everyday is a fight. Anyone who reads this, please take the time out to say a prayer for healing. My family needs your help.

my self inflicted challenge.

My church has been very helpful to my spiritual recovery . thank you for this .but I can see it's not over and it looks like it's going to be more of a life style than just a change for a short time.I've fallen under hard times , and with those hard times have lost the help of people I had thought were my friends . On top of that my time line with me working on my second home has dragged me into this slump in the housing market .Through these challenges my faith has groan and my bond with my mom & sister has also become stronger & more important.The services that I have attended have reminded me of this . After all that I've been through I realize that I need to help others in order to help myself. I don't exactly know how just yet but I'm sure it will present itself eventually.I am lonely and that is partly the reason I would like to help people in need . At this level they are so responsive to kindness & so grateful for receiving it.The fear is when you're kind and people don't appreciate it . Or the opportunistic behavior thats imbedded in our culture,leads to bad behavior of some kind.Why can't we be good to each other ? Just simple consideration and kindness.Thank you.

adultery

I recently learned my husband of 9 months has been with other women during our marriage. I am hurt, confused, overwhelmed. I dont know what I am to do. I am going to attempt to seek God's word but I am new to reading the Bible. I will look for help where I can.

Stress and anxiety!

Going on two months now, I have been on leave of absence from work due to stress, panic attacks, and fighting a gullbladder disorder. Prior to this happening, I worked a full time job and went to school full time. During the inbetween hours, I found myself working on homework, studying, and trying my best to spend time with my husband.

Today, I still struggle with the things I have listed above and I am having a hard time getting through them. I go to church every weekend, I pray everyday (sometimes several times a day), I currently began writing in journal to express my thoughts, feelings, and desires to help myself get over this life I never once thought I would be in. Thankfully my husband is very supporitive, loves me very much and is willing to walk by my side to help me get through it; however, there is one thing that I worry about more then anything. When all of this occured about two months ago, we moved in with my parents so I could try and finish school. I am at home everyday with the my father who is retired. He suffers from PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) from vietnam. In order for everyone in this household to be able to handle one another we all take what I like to call 'Happy medicine' to help with the stress, anxiety, and patience. My husband and I are the only ones that go to church in the house and have God in our lives. However, when you have stress in your life and suffer from anxiety (panic attacks) you need someone to talk to, or the comfort of someone being with you. Lucky for me, my dad has me and I have him. The problem is or the thing that I worry about is, my dad wont speak with me about his stress disorder and I want to speak with my dad, but he wont listen. I pray everyday that both my dad and mom will find Jesus Christ and understand the hapiness that my husband and I have found but I need every prayer today not only for me, but most importantly for my dad. He is stuck in a rutt and I don't know how to help him. He goes to therapy three times a week to help deal with it, but I know inside of my heart and through what I have learned on my walk with God that the power of prayer is so much more powerful than that of anything else that is out there. So please, I ask that if anyone is reading this, to pray for my father and myself to a full recovery and back to the life we once always dreamed of. Thank you very much.

Pornography addiction

No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to beat my addiction to pornography. It's been years since I started and I've always known it to be wrong. As a person held in a position where lots of people look up to me, it hurts me deeply when I remind myself of the double life I'm leading. I profess to being a child of God saved by grace, but I still remain lost in the darkness, bound by the chains of pornography. Please God, help me! This is my public profession of a sin that has been my struggle for the greater part of my adult life. I can't do this alone. I need grace and mercy. Thank you Jesus, most precious and wonderful Savior. Thank you for dying, sinless, on the cross to save a wretch like me. In Christ's name I offer up this confession, praying that all evil and wicked forces will flee my soul and that I might see a new dawn rise on the horizon.

I feel better now! Thank you God. Amen

Married pastor

I have been having an affair with a married pastor for almost two years. He has moved on to someone else and I am lost. Part of me wants to turn him in to the church but I also feel it is vengence because he has moved on. But is it really fair to his congretion for him to be in the pulpit week after week lying to these people.

how do i show my husband he is abusing me

my husband is verbally mentally and emotionally abusing me he has cheated on me just about all of the eight years we are together we've broken up several times hes let all the bills go, I've been the one who's left with the kids, he spends all the money, gets into a jam, foreclosure, etc. and cries for me back, promises the moon and then for a while its o.k., then the indifference, the hurt, the loneliness, he never comes near me, just finds ways to make everything my fault, even his loosing things, even makes me the bad one in front of our three year old, : go to sleep or mommy is going to get mad at us, etc.. never excepts any responsibility, even if he looses something, its my fault, if he goes the wrong way, its my fault, everything i do, he never has a nice word, even when we have sex, its ten minutes and all about him gradifying. and its only when i initiate it. there is no tenderness no kindness never a compliment for any of the thousand of things i do for him or the family one day he's nice and most of the time he's not he always complains and never listens always puts me down how can i show him that he is just cruel to me i tell him this isn't the way a marriage should be he doesn't believe me and says I'm crazy no marriage is full of romance why cant he wake up and realize what he has? I'm going to go crazy

smoking..

why do these cancer causing little white sticks hold such temptation for me? Wanting to be free. Jesus, help me be free.

alcoholism drug addiction gambling

I realize now that my addictive behavior and alcoholic mind started long before i picked up a drink or drug. I never felt like i belonged i was the girl who hid in the bathroom to avoid the good byes when we had family get togethers and avoided affection at any cost meanwhile all i ever wanted was to feel loved and noticed. When i was 12 i found the thing that made me feel a part of the group and crowd and family alcohol and drugs. I would come alive and feel i could express myself be the life of the party. through my life i was always afraid of the big eye in the sky afraid to look up because i was defanitly not worthy of Gods love and knew he was dissapointed in me I just tried to pretend he was not there. My mom who as since pasted took me to my first aa meeting the seed was planted. I have been on an addictive rollercoaster most of my life. When the pain got bad enough and the drugs stopped working I became willing and honest enough to start {with the help of aa )rethinking my ideas about God and the old ideas and predjudeces that were in the way of my relationship with God once i was able to realize I was dying and the only chance I had was to find my God and get to know him so i began my journey only to realize i was of the agnostic variety i believed in god but didn't believe he could or would help me personally. I didn't realize that until i was three years sober and went back out only tho be back in a downward spiral wondering how i got there causing problems and hurts for me and everyone i loved. Since then I am sober again and forming that relationship with Jesus. Now I see the things that block me from God are the things only he can help me with being selfishness and self centered like all human beings is what i need God to remove from me on a daily basis so that i can feel him and get to know him i will never be perfect only Jesus is perfect but one day at a time God will change my heart which will in tern change my perspective and help me to get to a place where i can help another alcoholic who still suffers. I also realize that I am saved because Jesus died for my sins and not because I am being good.

The News is Horrible...How can we manage it all?

I've been so stricken by the violence and death in the news...it seems that is the only thing on the broadcasts anymore, save for the weather. My heart breaks for the victims, for the families of such horrible acts of humanity. I seem to take it to a place in me that has some staying power...I still remember people from news events 3+ years ago.

I'd like to know the "what's happenenings" of the global community but I am having a hard time managing with all the terrible stories in the news. They are just terrible. I'm not sure what to do.

..."dumping my junk" will maybe help for now. Any ideas???
Thank you

Gambling destroying me!

I realize I have come to the end of dealing with this and I feel so helpless on how to get out of it. I make good money, I spend money to try to make money to get out of the debt I have caused. It is a vicious cycle. I enjoy sitting at a video poker machine, but it is destroying my life. I met a man 3 years ago while watching football at a Sports Bar, everything seemed wonderful. He didn't drink the first two years, come to find out now he was recovering. He gambles all the time to make that extra dollar. His income is nothing like mine but that never bothered me but now I see him drinking sporadically and he is a totally different person who is very mentally abusive and horrible. He is a danger to himself.
I cannot be around him when he is like that. It seems in that state of mind I am his worst enemy and then he is always regretful.

I feel like I am self distructing by the error/mistakes I have made the past year. I feel if I had that one last chance to make it good financially I would be ok and do the right thing but that one chance does not come and I get deeper and deeper in debt. I know with my income that within 90 days I can get myself out of this but of course it cannot come soon enough. He and I talk about how we want to fix this but it seems to be myself always bringing it up. We always spend time together and it is at a casino when we enjoy so many other things,I have to get off this cycle. I am making myself physically sick worrying. I am distracted from work and I love my job, I am so blessed and now I feel I am putting it in jepordy by my choices.

I pray to God to help me be strong to guide me on the right path, to give us the strength to fix this together but I feel I need to "Let Go and Let God" and watch out for myself and don't destroy myself anymore than I already have. I just need relief, I need to stop worrying and fix all my wrong.

Am I an addict?

Before this year I had never so much as seen pot, and I am 24 years old. I don't even smoke ciggerates or drink alcohol. Then this year after being diagnoised with Fibromyalgia, I received a prescription for Percocet pain killers. This was in August and ever since that first dose I have had a constant intake of either percocet or lortab everyday. I ran out last week, and have gone through HELL. Shakes, uncontralable vommiting, other bathroom troubles, paronia, rage... its been awful. How did I become an addict to something in just 4 1/2 short months? My doctor was rude and told me to attend NA meetings or face being a druggie the rest of my life. How rude! I didn't do this on purpose, I didn't even realize I was addicted. I have kids, I work full time, I'm a single mom, I just needed a little something to get by. Now I am suffering, and its so hard knowing that one little pill will make this all go away.............

Hurting and need to move on, but can't

I have just gone through a separation a year ago and was forced to leave my life there in LV and all of my friends due to the fact that my husband kicked me and our children out for his own selfishness and guilt.
I have had a very rough time this past year and still can not accept the fact that he doesn't want me anymore. I believe he is so lost and does not know what he wants.
I have supported him and loved him even in times when I probably should not have but I chose to stick by and now I am being kicked to the curb- per se.
My husband has cheated on me several times and I chose to reason with his mistakes due to his suffering from depression. I truly thought I could help him and be there to help him change. Now I am the one paying.
Everything is for a reason and I have not lost faith.
I am not perfect either for I have strayed also in a time when he was not there for me and at a time when I felt the most betrayed. I became lost and did the same.

I feel so stuck here and I hate Vegas

I've lived here for 15 years, raised 2 kids and made a lot of money. Went through a horrible divorce after 20 years. After the divorce I got a new life, a new career, new house, new car and a new guy.
But the guy isn't what I thought he was. I Don't understand why men are so mean and ugly. I just want to sell my house and leave this town. I have no friends and no family here. And he treats me so bad.
I can't sell my house because of the market! And I can't get rid of him because of finances. I want to move back to the east coast where my sisters are. God I feel so stuck! I hate this town.

A baby without parents

I just learned I am pregnant. I dont think our marriage can survive this. My Husband has an additction to porn. We are ready to file bankruptcy (literally) I am supposed to have an abortion tomorrow. We have a 15 year old boy (his) and a 15 month old girl (ours) His Mother lives with us, she is mean, bitter and hates that he is Married (2 years now)I am heart broken over how he is handeling the stress in our lives and frankly, I dont have much heart left.
I thought I (we) were well on our way to gaining ground and finding peace... now, I see I am far from grace, from god and from any sort of peace.

I could really use some prayers.
Please
In God,
Melissa

Not sure I CAN let go....

The love of my life has been gone for over a year and refused to speak to me for 8 months now. This is no "puppy-dog" love; I'm 40 and have been around the block. I want to move on, but she's with my best friend and she still tries to get work at my fraternal organization which I introduced her to several years ago. She still calls my mother, has all of our same friends (I'm actually thinking of dumping friends to resolve this), has lots of my property and all of my heart. STILL.
I'm trying to move on and at least resolve old relationships (going well on that front), but where do I draw the line? Do I just need to relocate across country again to avoid her? Or is it wrong of me to ask that she consider my feelings when she shows up where I'm trying to do God's work? Please help, this is one confused fella here....I think about her several times every day and know she does too...HELP!

I lost my career

Thank you for the opportunity to get "this" out there. I feel lost and abandoned by God. I was a Professor at a prestigious university until I was denied tenure. Of course, I feel that it was the wrong decision. On the other hand, I was pretty tired of the politics and the number of changes that had taken place since I arrived. I am blessed with a wonderful husband -who has a wonderful job and with a beautiful daughter. But I don't have peace with this decision. I feel abandoned by God because I prayed over my decision to go teach at that university and this is the way it turns out?! I don't know what God wants or expects me to do with myself - while waiting for my daughter to come home from school. What do I do now. I am still an intelligient, creative person - still relatively young, in good health. - but I have no direction - I have prayed for direction, structure to my life, but God has turned a deaf ear. I am blessed in many ways, but a big part of my life is empty and lacks direction.

porn

The first images of porn i saw were at age 6. Even though i am married now the pattern of being in and out of a life of secrecy with porn continues. I know that it has little to do with sexuality now and has more ties with control and selfishness. I am dumping this habit and clinging to his Grace everyday.

losing your parents

how do you go on feeling so alone when you feel like you are still to young to be without your parents even though I am in my 40's....they were my best friends and I am very lucky to have two great kids and great friends but I cant shake this hole in my heart and lump in my throat...I pray every day on and off all day...i lost my mom 3 yrs ago and my
dad a month ago...???

always afraid

I'm always afraid - of silly things and of big things. if my husband tells me how wonderful i am and how lucky he is to have me i'm afraid that since he's said these things out loud that now something bad will happen. it's stupid, i know, but i can't stop these feelings. if i have the slightest pain i freak out that it's something worse than just a muscle strain or the tmj i suffer with (that's the worst - jaw pain? yeah, you immediately think you're having a heart attack...). if the dog acts weird i wonder what he 'knows' is going to happen. sometimes i wake up feeling this way in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep for ages...then i get anxious and the heart palpitations that come along with the anxiety make me more afraid. i wish i could stop the fear. but then i'm afraid that the minute i stop the fear - stop being 'vigilant' - that something bad will happen...

My life is falling apart

For the past 4 years I have been in a very emotionally turbulent relationship. I have been lied to and cheated on. I have tried to forgive but can't seem to get past the anger and pain. I have been involved in martial counseling and that didn't seem to resolve anything. I feel guilty because if the marriage doesn't work that I have let everyone down. I am trying to live a Christian life but it is so hard when this black cloud over me won't go away. My mom past away in June and my husband just announced he is moving out. I have a mediocur paying job and we just bought a expensive house last November. I have no idea how I am going to make ends meet with three kids. I believe the only reason we are still married is because of the finances. But the last month I have been withdrawn from my relationship with my husband and now he is moving out. I have tried so many times to ask God what he wants me to do. How I can be a better person and handle all of this? I just don't seem to get any answers. I am just hanging on by a thread.

intimacy issues

I want a boyfriend. I want one now. But I am holding out like a great woman of God. But I am hurting. I am stuggling. Single for 2 years but complaining about it the whole time. Or saying I am ok with it, when my longing isn't for deeper intimacy with God, but with a man. Will this man that I long after this time just cut me off like the others. Will I be able to recoginze the the soverign hand of God in all these non-relationships that I have had. Do I not believe him that he wants and I will have completeness when I run after him and everything His kingdom has to offer me. Will I stop turning to myself and the ways I know of how to deal with the pain and the longings that are just always temporary and never satisfying.

I've made myself sick with anger and bitterness

I'm 5 years out from a divorce. K & I were married for 15 years and had 3 beautiful kids together, one of which passed away when she was almost 2 years old. Ours was the kind of marriage - the kind of family that other people would constantly tell us they wish they had. I couldn't have been any happier.
On our 17th wedding anniversary, I was served with divorce papers, citing mental cruelty, physical abuse, and drug abuse; none of which was true. As time went on, I found out that K had been having multiple affairs; some with my best friends. To "justify" the affairs and to make herself appear to be the victim, K told our friends and family that I was an abusive alcoholic. What really hurt was that my own family and people I had been friends with for years - people who knew me, believed her. I also found out that she had taken out multiple signature loans, signing my name and ruining my credit. I was spiritually, emotionally, and financially devastated. I remembered our in our marriage vows,that K told me that she would love me forever. Forever wasn't nearly as long as I thought it would be.
Before long, I began drinking. I would sit at home in a perpetual state of anger and pain. Being reduced to only a part-time father and no longer K's husband, I felt as though my whole life was snatched away from me. There i was, the Dad who lived for his kids - the husband who's first thought in the morning and the last before he went to sleep was of his wife and her happiness...destroyed.
I would lay awake at night and fantasize about catching up with everyone that K had the affairs with, and hurting them and everyone they loved just like I had been. The anger and the pain were making me not only mentally, but physically sick as well. I began throwing up blood. I developed chest pains that wouldn't go away. I got so dizzy at times, that I would pass out. And my kids had front row seats to watch their dad kill himself.
One day after I had been drinking the whole morning, I answered a knock at the door to see the same process server who delivered my divorce papers. This time, he handed me a foreclosure notice. I flew into a rage. I tore all of our family pictures off the walls, smashing the glass with my fists. I broke every little memento on the shelves. I toppled our big screen T.V., nearly missing my then 2 year old daughter. I then saw her brother, who was barely 7, take her by the hand, out of harms way. A couple of seconds later, I heard a scream from the next room. My son was sitting in a pile of broken rubble, with blood all over his hands. In the attempt to protect his little sister, he stepped right in the middle of a broken picture frame. After I got my son cleaned and patched up, I called my friend Will from Canyon Ridge to come to my house. Without asking any questions, Will helped me clean up the broken glass and other rubble from my house. I told Will that I couldn't live like that anymore. I needed help, didn't know who to ask, or even what to ask for. Will told me that the most important thing was to stop killing myself, and to give it all to God. He would then take it from there. I turned my life over to Jesus Christ that day, and haven't looked back.
Although I still have bad days, I don't hate like I used to, I'm not angry like I used to be, and I've forgiven K for everything. I still slip every now and then with alcohol, but never drink to the point of being drunk, and never ever around my kids. I've come to call a Christian church my home, and I love my "new" family in Christ. My kids love this church as well, and their mom even attended our son's baptism last December.
I'm at the point now that I see the good in all that happened. I know that my ex wife would never have followed me in my walk with the Lord. I know that If we were still married, I wouldn't have come to Christ when I did, and maybe not at all. I see now that everything that happened needed to happen. My marriage ha become an idol unto itself, and I had knelt before it for 15 years.those days are over. My son is now a Christ follower,and my daughter is chomping at the bit to be baptized. I've even looked up to the back of the auditorium while I'm singing with the vocal team to see K standing there, all the way to the back.
Although I sometimes come home to an empty apartment when the kids are at their mom's place and I feel that old familiar loneliness creep in, I can sleep peacefully, knowing that they are under the Lord's care and protection. I may never be ready to get into another romantic relationship, but my relationship with Jesus Christ is sufficient. I am no longer defined by my role as a husband or even as a father. I am defined as being who the Lord says I am: Forgiven, loved, and worth dying for. It is in this knowledge that I can now be the father that God wants me to be, and maybe again some day, the husband as well.
Whoever reads this; please know that although the entire world may seem as though it is crumbling down around you it's only for a season. God has big plans for you and yours which give a whole new meaning to the word "forever", and He loves you so very, very much!

Generational Strongholds and unforgiveness

I need prayer in the area of forgiveness and generational strongholds. I come from an abusive home - a mentally ill mother and an absent, narcissistic father. My stepfather was a believer, but was hesitant to step in to protect me from the verbal/emotional and sometimes physical abuse from my mother. This resulted in my seeking love in several other ways, none of which was what God intended for me. I married a perfect match for someone with my upbringing - a man who is still the emotional equivalent of a 12-year old and I had three children with him before I divorced him. I guess I was more comfortable with the devil I knew versus the devil I didn't know. I have been ministered to and have tried to be obedient to God in my life as a result of the pain in the past 17 years since this all began. God has been so good to me - I have been so blessed with a new husband who treats me with respect and loves me unconditionally, and my two younger children doing amazingly well - they are very openly believers and leaders to their peers and respectful young men to their girlfriends, my husband, and authority. I have an older son who has been used for most of his life by someone or another. He was molested by an older male cousin when he was three (his cousin was 9) and an uncle, both on my ex-husband's side. I tried to go to a mental health facility, the police, and my exes family, and no one could/would do anything - another sister in law baby-sat the detective's children, my ex brother-in-law bowled with a local judge and filled in for their priest, and was in the music ministry; their family would not discuss it - they said just to get over it, and the counselor could not really testify in court because of my son's age. The family absolutely refuses to deal with this, as their family is full of incest/addictions/physical and sexual abuse and uncontrollable anger. After I left my ex and moved myself and my three children 100 miles away, we were divorced. My oldest son was given attention/reward for going to his dad's house and giving a bad report about anything negative he could come up with about our life away from him - I finally we had to let him go with his dad when he was in 6th grade for fear of disrupting the entire family. He was so full of rage and was threatening to hit me. My ex would not be a team player with my new husband and I in getting him help, so all our efforts were like swimming upstream. I am having a really hard time forgiving myself for not being aware of and protecting him from my ex-in-laws...no one has ever apologized to him or his older cousin - they just want to sweep it under the rug. He still has to see both of his abusers at family gatherings and wouldn't dare ever bring it up. He now is filled with anger and suffers from alcohol, sex, and drug addictions. He is living in denial and now is now going to be a father at only 20 years of age. He is has been unfaithful to his girlfriend the entire time he's been with her (four years). I worry about him constantly and I love him, and I don't want this precious unborn child of his to go through even ONE day of the abuse which is inevitable unless my son and his girlfriend get help. They have come to church together once, and he's attended about two services, but it doesn't seem to sink in. He has expressed to his brothers that he pretty much wishes I was dead and it has been so painful, even though I know it's his addictions talking. Please pray for me to forgive myself and my ex (and his family) for allowing this to happen to my precious child. He has so many gifts that the enemy is blinding him to. Please give me the strength to continue applying the boundaries that God wants me to use in dealing with this. It's so hard to stand alone sometimes...

consumed by guilt

I am not clear what purpose I serve here or why God made me. I am a miserable and lonely person. From the time I was a child I was abused and around nothing but fighting and arguing. Not only was I physically and verbally abused. For a brief time I was also molested by my biological father. At 16 I had an abortion that I have not forgiven myself for or let go of. I have gone outside my marriage with a man who I then fathered a child with. My child will never know his real father or that my husband is not his dad. I struggle to get through every day but I am disgusted and hate myself. My marriage is struggling, my husband is struggling, my kids are struggling, our finances are struggling. I don't have any hope for our future. My weight has increased so much I do not want to look in the mirror anymore. I don't know like to go to church because I have so much shame. My husband takes my children because the one thing I can give them is God. I couldn't afford part day pre-k for my son and daughter anymore and I feel like a failure to them. My son is angry because he can not go, and it makes me feel worse. I am failing as a Christian, a wife, and as a mother. I don't know what to pray or what to do or how to even begin to forgive myself. I do not know how to be free of this.

my son's drug habit

my husband and I have been dealing with the horrors of our son's addictions. we are at the end of our wits. he is 29 years old and we don't know how to help him. i pray for him every night. his father wants to throw him out into the streets but I can not bring myself to do that. in my heart, I know that God will touch my son's heart and show him the way. what can we do for him, should we throw him out and let him find out the hard way. please help

Lust and Masturbation

For the past 10 years I have sinned over and over again when it comes to physically taking sexual gratification into my own hands. Sometimes I don't even feel like I know how to change it, that is part of the problem, I have made it all about me. i need to be delivered solely by Jesus Christ, not by trying harder or doing better. I NEED HELP.

DIVORCE

Divorce. To me the word alone means failure, fear, hurt, anger, lack of faith and selfishness.

Don’t get me wrong there are times when I do agree with divorce. In times of mental, physical and sexual abuse it’s time to sign on the line. But lately I find myself wondering how much I have to go through in my own dwindling marriage before I know if or when to call it quits.

I feel so alone. I cry almost everyday about nothing and everything at the same time. At work no one would ever know how miserable I feel.

My only joy most days is being around my baby girl. My husband works 72 hours a week and wonders why I have an attitude... Why should I even bother to explain?

Too much has happened in our five years to pretend everything is fine. The omissions, distance, lies, drugs, sex issues and emotional cheating on my part haven’t made our marriage easy.

I'm to the point now that I wonder why we're together. I know we need God in our life, but apparently he has issues with God he doesn't want to address.

Maybe that's the problem issues aren't addressed or solved in our life. They are brought to the light by me and left there to wither and stain our lives.

I just want to be happy in my marriage, but I can't do it by myself. I’ve prayed to God and asked if divorce is the answer. But my heart won’t let me feel comfortable with that decision as a solution.

We’ve tried counseling and what I found out was that I am really messed up in the head and most of the issues we had were my fault. I also found out I needed to be medicated…That really helped.

I wouldn’t mind going again with someone who had Christian values in mind. But he doesn’t want to go and where would he find the time with the twelve hour days and all.

I feel lost and confused

My daughters Alcoholic father

I have failed. I was naive when I met my husband 16 years ago. I thought he was telling the truth when he said he wanted a home, kids,family. We bought a home and a few years later had to wonderful girls. What I didn't know, because I am so damn naive, is that he was actually this whole other person who drank and lied and had affairs with co-workers. We both worked at the same place in the same department.
He started buying everything as if we had won
Megabucks. I was such a fool I learned he was dating a friend of mine for almost a year while I was pregnant with our youngest daughter. We lost our home. I wanted to divorce him but I gave him another chance. Once again I was really stupid. He came into a large inheritance and left with all the money and half of our furniture and electronics on our anniversary, When the money was gone, and the woman who was going to marry him left he came back to stupid old dumb me, after a year. He just moved back one day without even discussing it with me. I thought he was being nice and babysitting his daughters, but he moved all his stuff back in. Now a few years later his daughters dispise him because of his drinking. I don't know if I should leave him-but if I did I could only afford
to live in a bad neighborhood with bad schools and the girls would have to leave the only stable thing they have in their live-friends, family, and school. My husband and I haven't been intimate since 1999 and I have to admit sometimes it feels so hopeless, but I have my daughters and they are the only thing that matters. They don't really see him much because he works graveyard. When he's not sleeping he's passed out drunk. I just don't know if I am doing the right thing by staying. I would never want them to grow up and marry someone like I did who is verbally abusive and has no motivation to care about his daughters. I only can pray that I have made the right decission by
staying. I feel so guilty because I truley thought this person seemed like he would be a good caring father in the beginning, but I failed and he is so selfish he is jealous of his own daughters if someone gives them a gift and does not give one to him. I wish I could get help for my daughters.

porn

i am currently in the process of struggling through the habit of watching porn on the internet and everything that comes with that. i have even begun to struggle with lies of homosexuality in my mind due to the dirtiness of sexual sin. i have spent alot of time giving myself to everything other than God. worshipping many other Gods.

A MILITARY WIFE PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!

MAYBE I SHOULDNT POST THIS HERE BUT I NEED WHOM EVER SEE'S THIS TO PRAY! MY BEST FRIENDS HUSBAND HAS BEEN IN THE MILITARY FOR 10 YEARS HE IS A RIGGER. IN DECEMBER THEY LOST THERE DAUGHTER IN MARCH AFTER BRINGING THEM TO CHURCH A COUPLE OF TIMES THEY ACCEPTED JESUS IN TO THERE HEARTS AND IN MAY HE WAS DEPOLOYED TO AFRICA WHERE HE WAS SUDDENLY BROUGHT HOME AND STRIPPED OF HIS CLEARANCE BECAUSE OF FINANCES AND IMMIGRATION. TODAY THEY ARE TRYING TO RECTIFY THE SITUATION AND SEND IN NEW PAPERWORK IF THIS PAPERWORK COMES BACK AND HE DOESNT GET IT BACK HE HAS THIRTY DAYS TO MOVE OUT OF BASE HOUSING AND FIND A NEW JOB. THIS MAN KNOWS NOTHING OTHER THEN THE AIR FORCE. THEY NEED YOUR PRAYERS PLEASE PRAY THAT THOSE INVOLVED WITH THESE DESICIONS WILL HAVE COMPASSION AND THAT THE LORD WITH SOFTEN THERE HEARTS. IM PRAYING FOR A MIRACLE. THEY HAVE NO WHERE TO GO IF THEY GET KICKED OUT. PLEASE IN TWO MONTHS THEY MAY BE WITH NO HOME OR INCOME... PLEASE PRAY

GOD BLESS YOU!

God... what do I do now???

I don't know what to do anymore...I married the man I thought was the love of my life a year and a half ago and I don't know how to handle him anymore...he is so unhappy and he is making me unhappy...everything in our life is wrong...I work opposite him so that we dont have to pay child care and one day he is fine with it and another day he is complaining about not having a minute to himself..My child is my son and his stepson...my little guy worships the ground my husband walks on...he is the only daddy he knows...my husband knew what he was getting into and i know he loves my boy but he says things that makes me wonder sometimes...When I was pregnant with my son from a very short term "friendship", I didn't know what I was going to do...I was beside myself...and my sister turned me back to God when she took me to a Joyce Meyer conference..it changed my whole life...then the next year my mother found out she had cancer and i moved in with her when my boy was 5 months old to help take care of her...after she passed away I stayed with my stepdad, went to school, got a degree, and the day i graduated moved to las vegas to be with my husband of 3 months...i didn't have a church to go to but always drove by a christian church.and one day after a huge fight with my husband just got dressed, and took me and my son to that church...and the next week, my husband came with me...I try so hard to leave everything in God's hands...I just cannot handle my husbands drunken emotionally moods anymore...i try to bite my tongue but he is so miserable sometimes i just cant listen to it anymore...it makes me crazy to hear someone so negative about everything in life...I don't want to leave him, I want to make it work, but it takes two to do that, and I just don't see any effort on his part. So many times I just want to go back home, back east, where my two grown kids are, but honestly don't have anywhere to go or a job that pays enough to be on my own...I am in the middle of a whirlwind that wont stop turning, a rollercoaster i cant get off of. I wish my mother was still here because i know she would help me get back on my feet alone. I pray to God to help me in whatever way He can...I know God has a plan for all of us and He already has our lives mapped out for us, but I dont know which fork in the road to take right now...I pray He answers me before i lose it...I have never been so unhappy in my life...God PLEASE help me...PLEASE.

I should have listened to ME!!

Just because my sisters are older than me, I ASSUMED they knew what they were talking about. But now that I'm in my 40's (!) I realize they are just as clueless as I am. They are just like me in ways I cannot stand and they are are so unlike me in ways I really don't get. I have a lot of anger right now. I'm not feeling myself, I am ALWAYS broke. Life here in Nevada is not cheap like it once was and I seem to repeat my mistakes. I don't drink. I don't smoke or do drugs. I don't go out. I'm overweight, lazy, irritable and have 2 teenagers that are getting harder and harder to parent each day. I'm divorced (my choice and grateful). My brothers wife is a big baby and she can only be honest. She has hurt a lot of feelings by not being able to hold back. I can't stand her kids and my brother is a nimrod. But, He seems to be OK. Who knows. I haven't been to Church in months, I work Saturdays and Sundays. Until just last Thursday, actually. I was a releif caretaker for a beautiful older woman who just last week passed away. I asked to her to say hello to Jesus for me. I am hoping to get more work doing daycare and caregiving. I enjoy it a lot more than office work or doctors offices. Doctors are asses. I don't know my daughter anymore. She's 16. I just took away her cell phone. She went over her minutes AGAIN. You would think I took her left leg with the way she went on.
Darn it! I KNOW I am a smart woman. I don't want to be near my family as they just remind me of my my shortcomings and I want to learn to be me again. I miss me. It's been years.
Wow. I feel better. Thank you.

Sobriety and my commitee

I am 35, sober 35 days today... My head is crazy. Since i have been sober there have been so many changes... the #1 change was that i found that i can be willing to accept that there is a higher power... that he loves me and that he will help me and guide me in the direction of life that he wishes....

Things are going bad at work, why now? Things are bad with my roomates, Why now? My daughter is acting up, why now?

I asked God today to guide me, show me a sign that i am doing the right things, that i am in the place i belong... all day i got more and more depressed... i went to a meeting of Alcholics Anonymous and did not get an answer, got more depressed, got angry at what the people were saying, i yelled at my daughter, i yelled at my boyfriend... i am sitting here now alone and depressed... the 1st thing i could think of was to find this site... maybe that is my sign... God needs me in Church....

Thanks for letting me share...

WHY AM I LIKE THIS

I AM A 24 YEAR OLD MAN WITH THE BEST WIFE AND TWO AMAZING KIDS ANYONE COULD ASK FOR .... I AM HARD WORKING FAITHFUL... AND SUCCESSFUL . I STRIVE TO BE THE BEST ...
THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE I AM VERY SELFISH ... SOMETIMES TO THE POINT WHERE I AM MEAN TO MY WIFE SHE KNOWS I LOVE HER AND THAT I AM WORKING AT IT .. ITS LITTLE THINGS LIKE I GET SO UPSET WHEN THE APARTMENT IS DIRTY OR THE TRASH IS STILL THERE LITTLE STUPID THINGS SHE MAKES MISTAKES .... I LOVE HER BUT THEY ARE BIG MISTAKES THAT SOMETIMES COST US MONEY AND TIME .I WORK TWO JOBS SO ARE TIME AND MONEY ARE PRECIOUS .. I LOVE HER SO MUCH I JUST WISH I HAD MORE PATIENCE WITH HER . WE TALK ABOUT THIS ALL THE TIME.. AND ARGUE ABOUT IT... WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND WORK AS A TEAM WITH ARE KIDS ..
I JUST FEEL I'M SELFISH FOR WANTING HER TO DO MORE ITS ALMOST LIKE I'M JEALOUS OF HER BECAUSE SHE IS A STAY AT HOME MOM... I KNOW ITS HARD WORK BUT I WISH I COULD DO IT

Left by my Church - Need help finding God Again

Back in 1994, I was working as a medical receptionist for a podiatrist. The doctor was a Scientologist and very high up in the "church". Well, he expected his employees to attend Scientology classes that were supposed to be "business classes". When I refused to attend (because I was a Christian and told him the church of Scientology had beliefs that were contrary to mine) he fired me claiming I was not a good employee. Well, I sued him for "religious discrimination" and won my case. During my "ordeal", the church I was attending was not in the least bit supportive. When we would go to sunday school classes, and I would bring up my "prayer requests" (support during my trial) I was told that everyone was "tired" of hearing about my fight against Scientology. I left the church and never went back. I know not all churches are the same, but I have no desire to return right now. As for my encounters being because I've lost touch, I prayed about my failing marriage for years (even before I became (backsliden) and it still failed, so much for that. One man just fills the void of another that I didn't want. The only reason I haven't divorced him yet is because of monetary reasons. So there, in a nutshell is my story. I am broken in so many ways and need to find my way back to the Church and to believe that God is really listening to my prayers!

Forgiving myself

Sometimes it's really hard for me to deal with an overwhelming sense of loving and caring around me.

I went to a Christian church today. It was my first time at church in years. It also was the first time I went to church and really heard and felt the message.

I was driven to go today by some overwhelming needs. I needed to feel safe. I needed to feel loved. I needed to feel there are good people in the world, motivated by love and compassion. I needed to feel that I have a reason to live, and to be a good person.

I often feel I have a difficult time allowing myself to be loved. I don't feel I deserve to be loved. I don't know if this means I don't love myself enough? Or maybe I feel I have to earn everything? Or perhaps it is a trust problem. I have been in and out of an emotionally abusive relationship with a person I'll call J for over 2 years.

Today after listening to the message, two things stood out to me in regards to setting boundries.
1. Realizing I can't be God for others. I can love someone, but I can't change them. I know I can't change his emotionally abusive behavior, but is it my role, as a Christian, to love him still? Even when he makes it hard for me to love myself?
2. Remember that no can be as helpful as yes. Do not empower unhealthy behaviors. Am I empowering unhealthy behaviors within myself? Especially when I constantly go back to J?

At the end of the service today, I prayed for J, and I wrote his name on a piece of paper and put it in the wall. That is all I can do. That is all I will do.

Now I need to forgive myself. Heal myself. Love myself.

I think I may be ready.

The hardest part is being strong, because I know he will be back. I need the strength to be strong, and to ask him to please let me go.

Tired of myself

I have been clean and sober for 5 yrs. I am married to a wonderful man and have two wonderful step-sons. I accepted Jesus as my savior in 1997 and was baptized in 2004. What could I possibly have to complain about? Lately, I'm angry all the time. The smallest things set me off. Actually I've always had an anger problem. I started studying a lot of help books by Christian authors. I tried to change. With every failure came the guilt and condemnation. Every time I make the slightest mistake, I spend days, weeks, months, and years beating myself up over it. I'm selfish, jealous and insecure. I refuse to be the slightest bit submissive to my husband or anyone else who tries make a suggestion to me. I scream at my kids. No one seems to be able to hear me unless I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. I try to ask nicely but after a couple of times I have to scream to be heard. I try to talk to my husband but he just always tells me, "Your doing a great job. I love you." That should make me happy right? But, in the back of my mind I think he's just saying that because he knows if he tells me the truth I'll flip out. One time a so called friend told me I needed to be medicated. I was so insulted, I couldn't believe my ears. After all the work I had done to get and stay clean and sober she suggested I get doped up to function, "properly". Oh, yes prescription is all good right? Yeah well, what's the difference in getting screwed up on illegal drugs verses legal ones? Your still have altered your spirit. Maybe that's still better than running around like a psycho. I'm so tired of this battle going on inside me everyday I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning.
My mother passed away recently. She spent six months in the hospital totally incopasitated. I wished for her to die, because I couldn't stand to see her suffer anymore. When she was alive she lived alone, and I never spent enough time helping her. I didn't spend much time at the hospital when she died, and she died alone. All along I knew this day would come and I would feel guilty for not taking better care of her, but I selfishly wanted to live my life how I wanted, not putting her first. Don't get me wrong she had a house, food, heat, medication, the essentials, but I'm sure she would have preferred some company. I went through her things and found her journal. She wrote about me, "My daughet is driving me crazy. She asks so many questions. How can a five year old be so loving one minute and so hateful the next?" Most of my adult life I have wondered what could make me so hateful. I was sure something must have happende to me. But, now I know it's just me. Even at 5 years old...Why does God need someone awful like me here? I keep reading you can't change God's will. So why have I been trying so hard to change, if He just made me awful to begin with? I feel like I'm being selfish staying with my family because I only hurt them with my tantrums and selfish attitude. This weekend I was thinking, "I'm so tired. I just don't care anymore." Then I answered myself, "What's your alternative?" What is my altenative? The authors of my books say if I live according to God's Word I will have a happy and abundant life. So then it all comes back on me. If I wasn't such a loser I could do this right. God please help me break this cycle.

Running on Empty

I have felt love and the beauty that it possesses once, a few years ago. I felt ambition that would touch the heavens, a few years ago. Now, though, I feel as if I am running on empty.

I was in love and the marriage turned into a disaster, so much pain and hurt. I felt as if it sucked the life right out of me. We separated and have distance ourselves to opposite sides of the country. I do not know what is wrong with me now.... but the zest for life I once had years ago has vanished. The possibility for love in my life has vanished too. My career is booming, but that is all I have these days. I still feel an emptiness inside of me that I fill with more work. I don't go out much anymore and I don't see life the way I use to prior to the marriage. I just can't grab the motivation to live with the spirit of childlike aww in my eyes anymore. I feel as if I have become jaded. I am too scared to find love again and I protect my heart with a fierce barrier, not allowing anything to enter my life that may be good with the fear of being damaged any further. My career is the best it has ever been and it scares me to know if I allow anything good into my life such as love that it will all be ripped away from me again.

I want to feel alive again, I want to feel that spirit boil from within to get out there and live it, instead of the lack of motivation I suffer from now. I miss the person I use to be prior to all the pain and I want that person back but I am lost in the forest and am not able to find my way. How can I get there?

How To Deal

im 17 years old and have been going to church for about 1 year i accepted christ around november 06 and i recently got baptized last june but from the period of 11 years old up to when i was 16 i used drugs to numb everything or other unhealty habits i used drugs for everything from recreation to dealing with pain i have also made alot of mistakes in my life and have let them go and i know God has forgiven me and i have forgiven myself but i have no idea how to deal with pain someone very close to me recently passed away they were in my life since i was born and my best friend the only person in my life i feel has never let me down and now they're gone and i have absolutley no idea how to deal with it i havent done drugs and i havent hurt myself but i do just ignore it for a bout a week and then im just irritable and when i try and sleep i have mini panic attacks where i start freaking out i just dont know what to do i know they say just leave it at the cross and give it to Jesus but i dont know why this had to happen now when im finally doing so great and i dont know how to deal with it like a normal person because im so used to my old lifestyle does anyone have any advice

question more than a statement

It all started in Seattle, my wife and I divorced, she went to another City and I came to Las Vegas.

The question is what shall I do.

I do not believe in divorce, and yet I have committed this sin. I also have two children, who I dearly love.

I have come to a great christian church and fallen in love with this place. Never have I felt such grace.

Now I have my question. Shall I go back to her and be with her and try to ammend the brokenness of our relationship. There is alot of pain and there is alot of anger. I do not seem to love her anymore. I however love my children like they are gold. I crave them and miss them daily. Do you stay in a relationship just for the children.

The world tells us one thing, and the bible tells us another. I am not afraid to do the right thing. However, I do not fake things well, if I am there just for the children, she will no it.

Please help.

So many mistakes.....

I have alienated the woman I know God means me to be with for the rest of our lives. In my spiritual immaturity I have driven her away from me. I am focussing on changing my ways and getting it right again but I am disheartened. I think and pray about her several times per day just to keep going. I can't eat, have no zest for life and feel I'm just pining away after the last 4 months of incredible loss. This woman is a blessed gift from God; I have never experienced such fulfillment as I have with her. Please pray with me that God will give me a second chance at appreciating His blessing.

Failure

I seem to be creating this whirl wind lately. It seems no matter what I do I upset someone or myself. I have just embarked on a new journey. I am a Pastry Chef now. Yes a real Chef, not a cook. I have 2 teams and all!!! And 2 restaurants. This is my first manager position and well it seems "I'm damned if I do, Damned if I don't." There is a fellow Pastry Chef who wanted to take over the 2 restaurants that i have gained, obviously someone else didn't agree. Basically I am stepping on a lot of people's toes and I am afraid that if I keep it up, they are going to let me go. I know I am a good person, and I mean well. How do I get out of this rut that I am in? Not only is it affecting work, it is affecting my relationship with my husband too and other family members outside of our household. I have lost my path with God, but as of today, I have found it. Hopefully returning to Church tomorrow and bringing the Lord into my home will help me through these struggles. Please pray for me.

MotherinHidingNoMore

For some awful reason i have found pornography more appealing than my husband himself. The man I love and cherish I seem to push away constantly now. I do not know why this is happening. I have been told by other experts who I have share this with that its because of my pregnancy right now and that I really have to fight the urge to look or watch and make myself available to my husband. I have a strong career, growing family, and for some reason this issue that I am having seems to be affecting my livelyhood. I pray that I will move on from this period of confusion for the sake of my family, my career, my faith, and my sanity.

crossroad

My husband had cheated, lied and has been totally self serving throughout the past 17 years of our marriage. He is a bad acoholic. He has put our family in debt, inherited a large sum of money only to run off with another woman then return again when they went through the money. I took him back because he seemed sincere with his remorse and I am very naive. We spent 45,000 to sent him to rehab and he stopped drinking for 2 months after he came out. The problem is now that he has been drinking more and more. I usually do not leave him alone with our 2 daughters who are 10 and 12, but do to work demands one day I had to. He got drunk and angry and went after our daughters. He kicked in their bedroom door and landing up hitting my oldest daughter across the face. They hate him and want me to move out, which I don't blame them, but financially I can't, and I don't want them to have to change schools because it's the only stable thing they had in their lives. My parents keep telling me I have to do something, but they say I can't stay with them because they are done being around children. My husband meanwhile is of course begging for forgiveness and says it will never happen again, but I don't want my daughters to accept his bad treatment as I always have. They deserve more. He originally tried to say my daughters were even lying to me, but when he realized I believed them over him he changed to the please forgive me mode. My daughters are incredible. They work hard at school and get good grades, they are on the swim team and practice each day, and they help with chores around the house, and go to church. I don't want their childhood tarnished and I pray that I am strong enough to keep them safe and happy. They deserve so much better. I don't have to be with their dad, they are so much more important to me. The problem is I have to be with them to protect them against what he says and does. And believe me, after being separated from him for a year, the two days a week they went to stay with him were hell because they would call crying because they were scared, or because he was drinking and driving with them in the car, and all I could do was call 911 and pray they would be okay. I could not afford an attorney to prove he was a dangerous dad, so I thought the only thing I could do was let him come back so I could have my daughters all the time and be their to protect them from him. Unfortunatley, one day I couldn't. What ever I did in my life to be punished, I wish God would only punish me and let my girls be happy. They are great girls and they do not deserve this. God please help them have I good life. Forgive me for I have failed them. I am so very sorry. They deserve more.

cleansing the soul

for many years i have been in sobriety. growing up emorionally, has its moments. i am forever sorry for the times ii didn't handle myself appropiately in relationships that i acted more like a child then a women. The deep anger i felt, that was really deep hurt, of being considered less then what God made me, in someones eyes that i thought felt highly of me, only to have seen alcohol turn him into something that was hurting me as a women. i screamed, hollared. trying above all to change his soul. Yet i was dragging my self down by trying to be God in his life. Useless years, and i new that God spoke to me, saying that somethings HE never desired to see happen to me, never the less be treated that way. I begged, i pleaded, i prayed i tried to share what i knew to get him to see things differently. And all i was getting was, the silent treatment. Nothing was ever good enough. Especially when he was i was standing up for what was right by god, he really gave me the cold shoulder. ( No more Judas kisses, no thanks) I am glad the my true Husband, says He is the head of this marriage. I am glad that He says leadership is basically the way Christ treats the church. He died for her, and makes her whole. He looks out for her growth and best-interest. He doesn't devalue her, demean, her ignore her, make her feel unvaluable, he always honors her thoughts, feelings, abilities, and treasures. he provides resources for her to grow and protects her, he protects her from the devil. he invests in her talents, heals her hurts, takes her suffering on himself, he supports her in trails, and comes along side her when she falls. Its a good thing that we all have a heavenly father that can fill in the broken gaps. She is never to submit to what is evil, only Good. and stand up for it. The world and many things that have filtered through as days have gone by, have only made it Up to Jesus to trun things around in peoples lives. As well as mine. For somethings in My Lord of hosts eyes, he has said i am granting you all pardon. Yet son't scream and holler, try to find better outlets to deal correctly with issues that no longer need to hinder a better quality walk in sobriety 7 recovery. I do know that even with all these years of recovery, i am starting a new again. Especially in better relationships that breath Life into me soul and heart. I am unable to allow certain things into my life, now that light is shined on some steps of what is right by God. Isn't it always this way for me, Turning to the one who made heaven and Earth and saying you see where i am at. And its now up to You to turn it all around. Forgiving what was done, yet not desiring to walk through it again. From all this i have learned that communication in a maraige is a partnership,and important. And i no longer have to suffer for evil. Just stand my ground for what has been revealed. And let Gods extended Grace come through again for all the mistakes, wrong doing. I am glad its not up to me to hold up the world any more. Just one more time, saying Jesus Son of David, thank you for showing mercy towards me,My Father, thank You for doing for me what i could not do for myself to make the wrongs right. You are such a good God. Never failing me, even when i fail to get it right. yet i am sure the lesson is forgiveness & Love goes a long way utilized in proper dicernment and wisdom. Thanks for Your never ending Love for a person like me, mistakes and all. You took the fall and thought of me. amazing.

I'VE LOST MY FAITH AND I'M HURTING

I'VE BEEN DIVORCED FOR 5 YEARS, BUT I REMARRIED AND ADDICT WHO HAS BEEN STRUGGLING THRU OUT OUR MARRIAGE WITH PHYSICAL PROBLEMS AND ADDICTION. MY DAUGHTER AND I ARE NOT CLOSE, I MISS HER DEARLY AND WONDER WHY I EVER LEFT HER DAD. I COULD HAVE WORKED ON THE MARRIAGE TO SAVE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAUGHTER.

I HAVE ABUSING XANAX IN THE EVENINGS SO I WON'T FEEL THE PAIN OF MY LIFE. I HAVE REALLY MADE SOME BAD CHOICES.

I WANT TO CRY THE WHOLE TIME I AM AT WORK. I NEED TO FIND HOPE AND CHRIST'S LOVE FOR ME AGAIN.

Homosexual

I have lived most of my life as a gay man. I used to live freely and unboundless with pornography, unsafe sex, and deceit.

My life summed up, in a marriage that isn't

I am not going to say my life has been easy. But I do have to say that I am pretty happy with my childhood, I have great parents, who raised me to be an independent woman. I had great grandparents who I loved dearly, I have great aunts and uncles who I have fond memories of. Lots of cousins who I grew up with. I lived in a nice stable home with boundaries, but not too many to restrict my growth and learning experiences. I did my share of lying to my parents when I was younger which I regret. I grew up in the Catholic church, which I don't regret at all. It was safe and familiar. I don't agree with many of their practices now in my life, but that is OK, I am a Christian now. I am not constricted to the title of a religion that was made up.

I lived on the east coast most of my life. 1/2 of my life. It is very different to live there than here. I sometimes terribly miss my old life back there. People were different. I had good friends who now I barely even talk to because we have either drifted apart or life is just too busy. I love them no matter what though, those friends will always be important to me. My parents live back that way too. I miss them a lot, it is so hard to be so far away.

11 years ago, after college, I rushed into a relationship. I had just gotton out of a relatioship that wasn't really that healthy for me to be in. I was starting to be independent again, learning that I didn't need a guy in my life to make me happy, that wasn't what life was about. I had a great fun job, great friends and potential to grow in my career after graduation and start fresh. But I chose to get involved with someone who I did fall in love with over a period of 3 months. We met in person, while he was visiting my home state, but after that we continued a long distant relationship for 3 months and I ended up moving out here to live with him.

This move was totally out of character for me. I was only 24 years old, lured by the idea that a great career awaited me in this booming city.

So I ended up moving out here, during the courting period you could say prior to the move, this person told me that he had a daughter that was 2 and he was recently divorced. The mother wasn't really a big part of the picture and that she pretty much had issues. So with my eyes only focused on love, I agreed to come out and pretty much agree to help raise his child. This was very very difficult for me. I loved it at times and totally hated it at times. I loved the child, I hated the child. I didn't like the fact that my freedom was totally compromised and I did it all for love. The other part of the story was he also had a first wife, who he also had a child with and she left him and took the child with her. He said It wasn't a big deal because he had no contact with the child. So I of course was a forgiving person and just went ahead and moved out here anyway despite that.

In the meantime, during this 1st year, I did get a good job, which I on my own made the most of, even though I had lots of emotional ups and downs. Being a mom to a child not mine, paying bills, away from my family and real friends. The 2nd year we got married. During 1st 2 years there were a lot of issues with drinking on my spouses behalf. Some really bad experiences where he was just really bad stumbling drunk. I couldn't deal with it. I hated him for that. I did my share of drinking back then too, it was fun, but I was more realistic after a while, you can't party and be a good parent too. So I eventually didn't want to even do that to have fun anymore, the child was more important.

My spouse also lied to me a lot, gambled a lot, drank a lot still, wouldn't answer his cell phone when I called, would go hang out with people from work instead of coming home and leaving me to take care of his child. I really did miss out on a lot of my life in which I could have done a lot more things with if I would have been a lot smarter, although I look at it as God's plan for me, to put a adult in a innocent childs life. I made myself tolerate the situation.

My career was good, I was happy, I provided a moderate income to our household. For 5 years I supported his child and 1/2 of all expenses. The 6th year we had a child together, I was so happy. Raising my own child was amazing. I didn't work after having this 1st child. We were financially OK, but not great. 18 months later we had our second child, which wasn't planned but I don't regret it in the least. I don't regret my children at all. I love them so much. A few years ago his 1st child contacts him and wants a realtionship. Which was fine. Back child support payments loom over us for years in the meantime, a debt he never bothered to pay. A year ago this child came to us with tons of baggage, lots of bad stuff, and of course I said we needed to take her in. At times I sometimes can't stand that I said that even though it was for the better in some ways. So I think of this as Gods other plan for me, even though I sometimes don't like it.

My spouse and I have had many ups and downs. We have fought a lot over the years. He has verbally abused me for years. I have stayed strong though. Constantly forgiving but not always forgetting. I know I am not perfect, I have said many harsh words myself. But he has done far worse in return to me. Putting me down, saying really nasty things, just yesterday he called me a B----- and a C--- virtually in front of my children on the way back from a road trip, in the car while I was driving. I was really getting upset at that point. Let me tell you, I have never done anything to betray this person. I have never lied to him, cheated on him or anything of that nature, things his ex's did to him, yet I am a worthless loser in his eyes. I have done nothing but take care of his kids and even though they might not get the love like I give my own kids, I still care for them. Even though I don't always like them.

So, my life now, except for my own children, who I would do anything for to keep them safe, isn't super great. I have a non existant marriage, there is no love, I don't love him, the verbal abuse has taken it's toll on me, the disrespect I get by the stepchildren is also wearing me down, I had to go back to work which is fine, but I feel really guilty about it. I have to entrust my stepchildren to watch my own children. I don't like doing it. I had to go back to work because we were selfemployed for 2 years since he left his corporate job because it would make everyone happier supposeably. The business can't support us entirely. I feel reallly resentful because of that. I have placed my trust in God, I believe this job of mine didn't come up by chance, it is helping us out financially, it was God's work. The business has brought some good things to our lives, but it has also brought it's share of hardships.

I don't really want my marriage to fail, but I am getting to the point of just saying enough is enough, why torture each other. He doesn't love me, I don't love him, yes, we love our children, but it isn't fair for them to see us act like this towards each other. I try so hard to keep it all in, to not say anything back, but there are times when he just pushes the buttons with words, I just can't help not saying something to defend myself.

So, this is where I am at, as I read over this chaotic statement, this short version of my life summed up. I want freedom from this marriage. I don't know if it is God's will. I just can't forgive my spouse any more, this man who I commmited myself to, this man who was married two other times, in which those marriages failed. This man who had secrets, who has lied to me, who has called me every name imaginable. Who has had lack of appreciation for everything that I have done to make his kids lives better. This person has even told me, threatened me to play games after I asked him to move out. I have tried everything. I tried counseling, we go to church together. He says he has commited himself to Christ and is a Christian, but he uses Church against me and says I don't listen. But yet is it OK to call your wife a B word and a C word in front of your kids. This marriage is really sick.

So can you see how or why anyone would want to live like this? I am hurt, but I have to be strong. I have to do it for my children. I sometimes fall emotionally, but I can't do it, because of my job and for them, I can't sit around and feel sorry for myself, no matter what he says to me. I have tried though, I have said I was sorry many times, I have listened to his I'm sorries even though many things never change. I know that he will go back to treating me bad eventually. He retaliates against me any chance he gets and turns the tables with words.

All I really want is to be happy, live a Godly life and be rid of all this negativity and baggage of a marriage. It is dragging us down.

I pray and pray that God will show what is right, I pray that I can be better and gain more control over things, and take the mean words less seriously, but it really is hard when they stab you right in the heart when deep down you know you aren't a bad person. I have done everything in my power to try to make things work. But it is very hard to try anymore when you don't have the love in your heart. How can I love someone who has hurt me so much.

I know my story isn't the most heart wrenching, I care dearly for everyone else who has writted on uncensored grace. We all have to share our thoughts in one way or another. We can all make it, if we put our total faith in God. I do put my faith in him and I don't doubt him, but right now, life just isn't making sense, and I feel I really have to make a decision and I am not hearing the call of what I really need to do here.

pornongraphy

Whenever the chance presents itself, I look at pornographic material on the internet.

Accepting Grace

I have been through a tremendous amount inmy life, molestation, date rape, drug addiction, abortion, abusive relationships, 3 marriages in a 15 year span,none lasting more than a year. I have been a Christian for four years and church has saved me a thousand times over. I was recently baptized and my life seems to be at a huge turning point. I just recently started to understand what Grace is. And to realize this life is not all about me that I have a purpose (what it is yet I don't know). But the thing I struggle with the most is Grace. I know God forgives me and I have repented for all the sins listed above and I know he is working in my life. I want to have blind faith he forgives me, I want to forgive myself. But I wonder how can I forgive myself, love myself for all the horrible choices I made. I realize each one taught me something. But I feel so damaged. How could anyone ever want me when I wouldn't want myself. How could anyone forgive me and see me as a new person with a new life. I would run the other way as fast as I could. I have lived a life of solitude, alienation (self inflicted), self destructive behavior, and have never allowed anyone truly "in" since my life spiraled down as a child when I was sexually abused. I am so thankful God heard my prayers, my sobbing, because I am not sure I would be here today if he didn't. I have never been able to give myself wholly to anyone for fear I would have nothing left of me because so much of me has been destroyed. Now I see that I will be blessed if I give to others with a pure heart and find my purpose here.

I know I need to forgive others and I have prompted and searched my heart to do so. But is it real forgiveness if I don't really feel it completely? Is it fake?

Loving myself, believing I deserve to be happy, and to not be haunted forever by the things I have done most days seems impossible. I am trying to give it God and let him work with me but most days it all seems hopeless. I read my bible regularly, attend counseling, am reading the Purpose driven life and journal, and confiding in a good Christian friend. I know God loves me and forgives me. The pain has haunted me for over 30 years. It's hard to accept his grace or anyone else's, I am struggling with if that is even possible. If it wasn't for my daughter, some days I didn't know if I would be here the next. God saved me by blessing me with her. I had a reason to live. I am just terrified I will never feel clean, worthy of anyone's love here on Earth or in Heaven.

My dad

I am 20 and I have been angry with my dad for too long. My parents divorced when I was 5 and they shared joint custody of my older brother and me until we were grown. I moved out when I was 17 because I couldn’t get along with my dad. Growing up I hated going to my dads, I always wanted to stay at my moms, but my brother went and I was close with him so I went to. When I was young I discovered my dad liked to smoke pot and like to look at porn. He would hide playboys around the house. I didn’t want him around my friends because he has wandering eyes and it irritated me and still irritates me now. After I moved out I lived with my mom for 3 years and then went off to college for a year. While in college I realized how important it is to have a good relationship with my father. My roommate and her father had such a good bond and I wanted that. I decided to move back to my dad’s house and give our relationship a chance. But nothing has changed, I recently found girls gone wild in his closet and a stack of playboys and maxims in the living room. The most disturbing part about it is that those girls are my age. I told my mom and she had a talk with him. I think it’s disgusting. Am I being judgmental? I don’t feel comfortable around him. He acts like a teenager rather than a grown man. He looks at every girl and I think it’s disrespectful. My brother moved away so it’s just my dad and me. I want to respect my dad but it’s hard because I feel disrespected by him. If he really cared to work on our relationship like he says he does then why ruin it by getting high and acting like a teenager? I approached him about these problems and He doesn’t seem regretful and I feel his actions and choices in life have caused me to feel uncomfortable around him and untrusting of his thoughts. As soon as I do something that reminds me of him, I hate myself for it, even if it’s a good quality. I’m just worried that if I never have a healthy relationship with my father, that it will hurt the person I am. As of now I want to be nothing like him. How can I heal this relationship and see him a fatherly figure I can respect and look up to? I see his efforts to be a good father, but then he goes back to his ways. He is aware of how I feel towards him and I can see he is trying to be a good dad, but it’s still so hard to get along. I want a friendship with dad but I cant get past this blockade that has been keeping us apart my whole life.

a fairy tale

Once upon a time...

My husband and I have been married for two and a half years. We have been great friends for about eight now. We have so much in common. We go everywhere and do everything together!! A love so deep...I thought.

We have had problems just like all married couples have. One problem, communication. He doesn't like to and I haven't figured out a way around it. I guess it was a bigger problem than I thought, cause he is sleeping with some other chick. I love this man more than words can even fathom. I made a vow forever and I don't break promises. I am loyal and true. But, he has filed for divorce, and says it is all my fault. I would love to work it out, but he wants nothing to do with me. I feel like I have failed in the worst way ever!! I have let myself down, my most handsome husband down, and more importantly my God down. I have lost my husband, and everything I hold dear to my heart in less than three weeks. People are telling me to just move on... MOVE ON??? This is my husband, I still love him with all I have in me. How is a person to just move on from that? There is a hole the size of a 50 cal rifle in my heart, and the rest you would have never known it was a heart. I miss him so very much! I am trying to lean on God, but I feel so very alone and defeated. I still believe God could fix this. I am still hoping that I will come home from work and find him there and find this was all a horrible dream. How do I move on? I don't know, How would I ever trust anyone again? I don't know. How could I ever date again after giving this man every part of me I could ever imagine to give. I don't know. He took everything of me with him and I don't know how to get me back.

God, please show me your grace. I very much don't deserve it and have failed you in the worst ways.

Stuck

STUCK

I’m 20 years old and I cant get threw a day without a struggle. A struggle to love, trust, breathe, smile, speak, stay pure, resist temptation, control my temper, etc. I worry about every little thing. If its not the present its my past. If it’s not what I said, it’s what I didn’t say. I feel like I have fallen into a deep hole of confusion. I don’t do drugs, I rarely drink and I thought I was living for the Lord. But why am I afraid to live? I pray and read my bible almost everyday, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior when I was 7 and rededicated my life this past year. I can see He is transforming my life, and I love how I am becoming more like the person I hope to be, but sometimes I get scared of my past. I’m afraid that no matter how I live I will always be persecuted for the mistakes of my past. I try to forgive myself but I’m not sure I know how. I know I am going to be judged by God for everything in my life and I’m afraid. How can anyone please a perfect God? I feel like I’m living to erase my past but it is always there. I try to be perfect in the present but I mess it up. I feel like whenever I talk I let everyone around me down. I know I have good intentions but when I speak, I feel I’m misunderstood. I want to get along with my family, boyfriend, and friends, but why do we still fight? They are the ones that matter most and they are the ones I am struggling to get along with. I’m afraid my whole life is going to flash before me because I couldn’t let go of all my pain, insecurities, doubts, troubles, and just live. I feel like I can’t meet the expectations God has for Christians. I don’t want to be a “lukewarm” Christian. I try to inspire and help the ones I love but I’m just seen as judgmental, selfish, self-righteous, and stuck-up. I care about what everyone thinks of me too and I am paranoid that the world is against me. I feel like strangers talk about me. It’s an awful feeling I live with. I wish what others thought of me didn't effect the way i feel about myself. I want to make a difference. I want to live for the Lord. I want to let go of my past. I want to continue to grow spiritually. I want to wake up each day excited to live. I want to be needed by my family. I want to make good Christian friends. I feel like my words reveal ugly sides of me I can’t see. I wish I could just let go and not care. It feels like as soon as I get over one thing, there is another weighing me down. What can I do?

Parent Approval

I have alway seek my parent approval for my future choices and fincianal decisions. I grew up in sheltered environment with my family. The pressure from my parents has been present since finishing college in 2004. The past three years, I have moved to my college town of Las Vegas. I went into career that my parent never saw coming. I am currently making another decision to go into Ministry, but I still seek my parent approval for everything. I need to seek God for decisions that will please him, not my parents.

Unjust anger

I have an anger problem... I can't stand mistakes or bad judgements. I don't want to be around people that are learning or are playing the victim. I have no patience for someone that has excuses even before they try or don't realize that they are only fooling themselves by thinking there is going to be a different outcome from the same actions. My anger is the worst at myself for not having the courage to change my anger to compassion and understanding.

I recently had an extended bust of unjust anger at a loved one and his family. I feel so selfish that I don't want to extend myself to support his life choices, and even worse about not returning the support he has shown me over the last few years. He is married/getting divorced making this his 3rd ex-wife and has 4 children. One has recently killed himself.

I stood by his side during the funeral and went so far as to embrace his past and support his extended family during the process. Only to find that I resented having to do so... as time has passed I find that his son's choice and having to spend time with his remaining family. I resent his life choices and his families decission making processes. I resent the continual drama that is associated with this situation.

I thought that I was a capable of accepting anything, but found that the situation is just too uncomfortable. I have no tolerance or flexiblity toward his kids or toward the communications with his ex-wives. I am embarassed that I don't have the tolerance or strength of character to stand up and push though situations that require supporting someone I care dearly about. I am embarassed that I don't have the strength of character to push though many challenges these days.

I love God but don't seem capable of returning his grace to others unconditionally... what is wrong with me? What am I missing? I release this to God and pray that things will change so that I don't continue to pull away hurting people, especially when they probably need me the most. And most of all so that I don't continue to hurt myself by pulling away from every situation that is a difficult or uncomfortable.

Smoking pot is a way of life for me.

It seemed like a fun thing to do about a year ago. But i have smoked every single day since then and can seem to stop smoking it. I need prayer to help me break this habit and start living a new life.

I am having the hardest time forgiving

my husband took my kids playing the drug card which failed. His family still thinks I'm wrong and that they should raise my kids. He liquidated everyting prior to serving me papers which he later vacated. I cannot forgive him or his family for the vial betrayal against me and my older daughter who is not any blood relation to them but they have been her family since the age of 3. They dropped her like a hot potato and cannot understand why at the age of 17 she literally hates them. She overhears my husbsnd tell my little girls "your mom is crazy" "she is a druggie and an alcoholic" they believe him since his family is so tight knit and I have no family to speak of. I work and bring home all of the them income around here he hasn't been able to close a deal with his new career and if he does it falls through and has to pay it back. I am to be the bread winner the maid, cook and supermom. I walk on eggshells knowing one time I slip up they will once with all their money try to take away from all I have and that is my girls just to get me away from their lives how do you forgive someone who tapes your phone conversations, sends people into your workplace to make sure you are there searches your personal belongings and takes copies of your cell phone and bank statements? How do I forgive and make my kids happy by being a part of their daddys family who I can no longer look in the face. All I want is a seperated bedroom from him and I can live in misery until my babies turn 18. I cannot forgive them kidnapping my kids under false pretenses and listening to him talk to his mom on the phone scheming about how they are going to get rid of me out the kids lives. I am depressed beyond belief. And I believe I want out of this marriage so badly that they are betting on it and I leave vegas and my babies behind to prove them right. I resigned myself to misery for the sake of my kids but I cannot hide my distain for this man and his vial family. God forgive me but what I have gone through for the past year has made a very hateful person out of me and I am not that person but I cannot see my way out of the darkness and they are betting on that. Pray for me please for the sake of my kids that their mom does not do anything stupid and prove these insane people correct.

I may have Hep C

I don't even know as I type this. I may have HCV. I have never used a needle, nor got a blood transfusion, but I fell in love with a very sweet man who has it. I know he loved me too. But instead of listening to what the Lord wanted for us, we fell into sin. And we did not use protection all the time.
Now I am afraid, alone and so worried. I am a single mom of four kids under 15. It is already bad, because I am overwhelmed and tired and not enough food or money and an old van with no a/c.
Now this man says he cannot help me anymore or be with us, and I have not only the heartache of losing him, but now maybe I am going to be ill, too.
I have repented and promised God I will not sleep with any man out of wedlock ever again. Only thing is, my deepest wish is to have a Godly husband. One who loves me and my kids. And I do not think anyone will want me like this, now.
I was the picture of health until this.
I was so foolish and selfish and I am so so sorry Lord. I love my kids and need to be here for them, please, God!!!!!

Little Boy

I was at the grocery store standing in the self check out line watching a young boy bag is groceries all alone. I didnt think much of it I just smiled at him. Then when I was getting in my car I noticed him struggling to carry his bags home, he kept setting them down trying to get a better grip. I felt bad for him he was only 10 or so it's very hot out and he's trying to carry 2 liters of soda and a gallon of water. I had this feeling as I drove up towards him that I really should offer to give him a ride I even began to slow down, but then I thought if I pull up next to this kid he's gonna be scared he doesnt know me it's probably not the best idea. So with much hesitation I drove away. I feel so wrong that I didnt help him I said a prayer as I drove away but I felt as if maybe God was testing me and I blew it.

Life, Love, and the Misc.

I'm a 17 year old girl
I grew up in a great Christian home so I know the truth. I've always known.
Despite everything I know is right I decided to completely disregard these things and have sex with my ex boyfriend when I was still really young well younger than I am now.
Why?
He said he loved me, he complimented me and now I feel like a pathetic loser for falling for his lies.
I'd always planned on waiting.
Now, I have this amazing boyfriend who I have been best friends with for years.
I know I'm only 17 but we want to get married.
I had sex with him too because I was feeling so guilty that I hadn't waited for him and didn't want the last person I'd been with to be such a jerk. I wanted to take back my first mistake and thought maybe this would help.
We recently discussed it and we decided now is the time to stop and we can stop now and still wait for marriage. That's okay Right? If we see are mistake and stop?

If we don't stop it's going to consume my life and I will lose sight of my relationship with God. I know this because I become addicted to the feeling of love and intimacy that sex brings me which makes me feel weak and pathetic.
I'm just worried well I know this will be harder to stop than just saying it and I don't want to ruin our relationship by not being strong enough to hold out for our married life.
I need help staying pure. I wish I could change the past but I can't.

On top of this...
I'm terrified of failure
I finally decided to hand over my life and all the decisions to God but I'm scared I'll lose people I love in doing so or misinterpret what he wants for me
I feel fat and ugly
I feel insignificant but I know I am capable of so much if just given the chance
I want to be a leader to those younger than me in my life and I'm so scared they will find out and be wrongly influenced by my sin
I want to do the great things God wants me to do and I think I even have an idea what those things are but I let other people influence my decisions without realizing sometimes
I'm scared I'm going to get stuck in Vegas and then at the same time I'm scared of leaving because I want to stay so I can stay at my church
I'm so caught up in the past it's hard for me to appreciate the present a lot of times.
I forget that God is in control and try to control everything and get depressed when things don't go my way.
I feel so useless, sad, lonely, empty, lately I don't know what to do. All I do is work, sleep, go on the internet and I started reading my bible again which is helping some.
I just need some adivce I guess and some prayer so I have the strength to pull myself together because normally I am stronger and much more confident than this.

Abortion

Many years ago, in the 80's i WAS involved in very dark parts of life. Because of drugs and alcohol. I have confessed and repented of the 2 abortions, done during that old life. Here it was at age 11 i asked Jesus into my heart and then for many years I got intangled in a web that, it is only by Grace that i am here to live to tell my story. Yet, i don't desire to live the same path again. I can remember when i thought i was pregnant, i told my spouse that if it was true. I would keep it. The guys i met out there were just as accountable as i need to be. Yet they did not even want to be part of it. And i have forgiven and released all that through proper steps. It my desire that the Lord of Hosts, will never again allow me to be swallowed up by the very things, ideas that were harmful to me staying sober and recovering. I periodically feel a deep sense of, I am soory. And that is only because it is the Holy Spirits way of keeping me turned from evil. There are something that i walked through in the last 6 years of sobriety. And i rededicated myself in Baptism. For I know how powerless i am to do it myself. So I came boldly to the thrown of Jesus and said , you will have to help me turn it around. Jesus i am sorry for not concidering the life of those 2 abortions earlier, in the 1980s. When i gave my darkness to you, i mean't it. For Your Love desires Life for all. Please i ask by faith that YOUR Love that needs to sustain me through the valleys, comes in. And i do believe it to recieve it. Jesus there are many kids today that have hurts from not having proper love. My prayer is that all Your KIDS will be pulled from the darkness and rejoice in Your KINGDOM of Light. Spotless and eternally forgiving for all, so they can see Your Mighty Hand of Grace giving them a fresh start to live fully in sobriety and recovery. And may Your mercy show up for them all, so they all will continue to remember" no regrets" in Jesus Blood Covant faithfulness name. Amen..
Other women, that have experienced this, please send forth encouragement of gods complete forgivess and life giving events that filled the bad memories with good ones. thanks so much.
Jesus said i am forgiven and cleansed. I guess i just need to here encoradging words from other women who brought it to the light. and saw Gods full Power of Love restore all that was lost. amen

How to pray for others, what's a good womens bible

Dear God,
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my world, that I don't pray for others as much as I wish I could.

It amazes me how selfish many of my decisions are. I appreciate it so much when others pray for me. I am a good person but I wish that I could operate my business and personal relationships with more enthusiam by talking more like a christian. However it makes me uncomfortable when other people act too preachy, so I usually keep quiet about that kind of stuff.

How does one be a missionary and not come across as a nusiance or threat? I'm not perfect, humble compared to some. Select friends I can say that I will pray for them. But sometimes I don't, it's a thought...not an elaborate passionate essay... I guess that I have too much going on and I need to slow down and smell the flowers. I feel compelled to constantly do more. I am not satified with quiet time, except to read fiction books. I can zone out for hours with a good book, but can't get into reading the bible for more than 10 minutes. I need to get a new bible.

Any suggestions for a good bible for women that helps explain what Im reading in modern language?

Much Abliged

Relationship

no more evil, violant and negative spirits of old behaviors will surround me. I have recently been getting a better relationship with my husband and i ask for prayer and believe to recieve that the gates of hell will not prevail against it. i believe to recieve LIFE in Jesus name.

ANGELS of LIFE

thanks for helping the Truth set me free-indeed.

too much loss

my relationship with Jesus has always been back and forth. everytime i find myself flourishing in my walk with him i'm hit with tragedy. i've come to think that that's all life is is tragedy. i understand that we are strangers here and that i'll feel like i belong, however i can't help, but be sick and tired of constantly being the one with the story.
i'm a young married woman...married to a military man. we got pregnant last fall....then he was deployed for 4 months...while he was gone, i went through the first stages of pregnancy by myself....it seemed that things were finally going to be smooth for a little bit, but at 21 weeks, i lost the baby. i had to go through all the normal motions of labor and delivery....but only i had to deliver a baby that was not alive. sometimes i feel like he wants to torture me just so he can see if i'll stick by him. but this situation...this tragedy..was too close to home. what do YOU want from me? Do you want me to fall at your feet and speak out, "i trust in Your faithfulness and Your goodness?" i can't believe you expect that out of me...after this.
as angry as i am....my heart still longs for You...for You to give me back the hope that I've lost...for You to restore me and renew me...I just don't know if it'll happen...

Gaurdian Angel

Thank you. There is hope? A guy with a bad heart

Struggling with Addiction

I am 23 years old. I have been addicted to opiates for over a year now. It started with an occasional lortab, and has worked its way up to heroin. I have put my family, the most important thing in my life, through so much pain. I have tried to quit cold turkey, but the pain was unbearable. I know that I do not want to live my life this way. I had a great childhood and a very loving family. I ask myself everyday how I could have gotten myself in this horrible situation. I know I am not alone, but I feel like I am. I know that if I do not take care of this problem now, it is inevitable that I will either end up in jail or dead. I am not a bad person, but I have made some very bad choices in my life. I have decided to try to quit again. But, this time I am going to an outpatient facility and am also accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I have decided to be babtized and hope to tend church every week. I hope that through prayer and determination, I will finally overcome this battle. If there is anyone who has any advice, please let me know. At this point, anything will help! Thank you and God bless.

Finding happiness

Everyone keeps asking me what will make me happy. I don't know. I just don't know. Why do they keep asking me things I don't have answers for? I workout non stop to escape and yet I still face the same challenges day in and day out. I am told daily how much people hate what I do for work but I am simply providing care and compassion for their needs. I have been stripped of my ability to be an effective father in my home by a spouse who does not support me in my attempts to run a household. I have ruined my heart by not listening to my body and the rest of my body is starting to pay the price. I have to numb my mind with medication on a daily basis to cope with reality. I keep pushing my body beyond it's limits to try to somehow find inner peace. Is there such a thing as inner peace or happiness without chemical intervention? I have given up hope.
I can't seem to hold on to things that I love the dearest. They are taken away so abruptly. I lost two beings today that I loved beyond belief. Life wont be the same ever again. It just doesn't seem fair that loving people has to be so complicated and painful. I guess one of the most important lessons I never learned was how to love myself and to accept me for who I am. Now I just live in an artificial shell created by spending too much time on my physical temple and not my spritual temple.
Any hope I havecomes from the few people in my life that accept me and forgive me for my transgressions. Why is happiness so fleeting. I'm out of energy. I give up.

Images of my past...

I'm a young Mother of two who is happily married. However, recently, I have been getting images of my past while I'm trying to fall asleep. It's not random images, but images of a special family that first helped introduce me into my walk with God. This started in junior high, and I ended up getting really close with the oldest son. We became best friends, we did everything together. We rode bikes, took walks, went swimming together, went to movies, etc. We had dreams of growing up and getting married, and his Mother was like a second mom; and then slowly, my world started to fall apart. As I got older, I was more curious about life in general, and my family life was not picturesque. So naturally, we drifted. Well, I continued to go to church, however, I was a lukewarm Christian. I was not living the Christian life, and I definately took a separate path then what God had intended for me. I fell into the high school way of drinking, and dating, and casual sex. I wasn't heavy into it, but I lost touch with God, and with a family that I cared about. I ended meeting and falling in love with my high school sweetheart, and we are married with two children. I've gotten back on track with God, but now images of that family keep flashing in front of me. I don't know if this is God's way of trying to tell me something, and I'm kind of stuck as to what to do... I don't know any other way to describe this... any insight is greatly appreciated :)

broken heart

Dear God,
My heart is broken into a thousand pieces. I'm recently alone and divorced after many attempts at saving the marriage.

The problem is that I am head over heels in love with a married man who's been a dear friend all along. I've known he has had a crush on me for a long time. I have repressed my feelings while trying to salvage my marriage, but I now realize I have always loved him too. I never allowed myself to think of us together more than just best friends.

My best friend told me that he was in love with me. We fell madly into the most passionate affair. After some time I truly believed him when he said over and over that he wants to have a baby with me, as many as we can.

He left his wife over parenting discord. But his son got down on his knees and begged his father, my love, to come back home.

Please forgive me and give me the strength I need to start over. Please forgive him and give him the healing he needs to mend his heart, his marriage and get right with you God...I know he is hurting and has lost his way. He doesn't want to cause his children or her any pain. He is a good man. Lord give him the answers he is searching for, the strength to change or accept his current situation.

Please heal our broken hearts. Only you can. I cry like I did when I lost my mom to cancer. It hurts so much to lose a loved one. I don't care if it was an affair and wrong, it feels worse than losing my husband and mother combined. I'm so depressed right now I can barely think about anything else. I miss him soo much and it's only been hours since we broke it off.

I am young. Someday in a year or two I hope a new man will come along and take my mind off the decision to end the affair, but so far I can't imagine anyone who can compare to him. He will always be the one. Even with all his flaws, and health problems. His is the one that all others will be compared to. The one I want the most, the one I respect and laugh with the most. The one and only one I want to grow old and wrinkly with.

I know I need to be single and get more girlfriends. When i did confide to my girlfriends in the past that my husband is mean to me they hated him and when I decided to stick it out, they slowly alienated me. Now that I'm divorced, I can tell no one that I'm the other woman, in love with someone elses man. Even I would alienate a girlfriend if she jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. I know better. I can't help the way I feel. Only here in this confession can I speak the truth.

I'm trying to let go, but it's hard, it's so hard to start over.

I surrender, my way is not working. Please help me. Please send me a guardian angel, a girlfriend, a new beginning, and lots of patience for a good husband that will be joyfully content with just me and likewise.

In Jesus Name,
Forgive us

adult adhd

I am feeling so overwhelmed...I have adult adhd...it is and has been affecting my life for so long and I am so exhausted by trying to do it all...I have tried the medications....some make me feel like a zombie ..others wack me out...I dont really know where to turn and I am begging God to help me with this...I am the mother of 2 teenagers and they are good kids...I am working on a career and dont want to lose touch with them by focusing to much on work and right now I feel like I am doing everything and accomplishing nothing....I have known for a long time that I have had this and always joked about it but now it is becoming unhealthy for me...I am always sick, I suffer with severe migraines...I dont sleep well or enough, I feel like I am spinning all of the time....if anyone understands this and has any suggestions I am open...I am giving this to the Lord tonight because I just cant take it anymore

Painful Marriage

I have been married for a little over a year and my marriage is terrible. I have never spent so much time alone in my life. All he wants to do is go to his parents (but won't allow me to go with him), hunt, fish, and anything else he enjoys. He never includes me in anything. The little time that he is at home, he stays in the pool room. He locks the door so I can't come in. When he is around me, he won't talk to me and gets mad if I try to talk to him. He won't go anywhere I ask him. My parents live 4 miles from us but he still hasn't seen them for over 5 months. He won't even spend holidays with me. He is too wrapped up in what he wants and doesn't care what I want. He never hugs or kisses me and only says he loves me to get me to shut up. He won't even wear his wedding ring anymore or eat dinner with me. I eat dinner alone every day. Sometimes he is home from work for hours before he ever speaks to me. When he does talk, he is usually jumping on me or yelling at me. I try so hard but nothing helps. I don't think he would cheat on me, but I can't understand why he treats me like this. I'm sure I'm not perfect, but I honestly do everything I know to do to make us have a good marriage. Before we got married, I prayed about it a lot, and I really felt like God wanted me to marry him. Now I'm not so sure I was right because I don't think God would want me to go through the pain my husband puts me through. I have prayed about this a lot. I am still waiting on answers and I know God will answer them in his time, but in the meantime, I would love to hear your comments. Thanks.

Finding my way home...

On Friday, the 15th, it will be 11 months since I left everyone and everything. Funny thing is when I moved out here, I was so full of anger and sadness. Mostly toward my family, but also I was trying to forget about someone. I've since found out you can't outrun your problems. I don't know anyone out here. It was my two sons and I.

I was angry at my whole family. I had every intention of moving out here, starting a new life and not looking back. I was going to get a new number and not give it to anyone. Start a new life, start a new life! I was angry at my mother for destroying the only peace I knew. My home, my castle. There was nothing but tension and awkward feelings and so I avoided coming "home" at all costs. Do you know how it feels to avoid coming home to your own home?

July 15, 2006, I rented a U-haul and had my brothers and parents come out and help me "get away." I felt proud of myself. I'm going to get a new job, meet new people, it will be great. I planned everything out. Sunday night came and my parents and brothers left. As soon as I saw them pull away, it hit me. I broke down and started to cry. What is wrong? Why am I feeling this way? This is what I wanted??? That Sunday night, into Monday morning, all I did was cry and didn't sleep. What have I done? I was depressed for two weeks, thinking I made a HUGE mistake. For the past seven months, I had everything planned and thought I was running the show. I was in control.

Then one day, I got it. It came to me. I was too proud and arrogant back home. The thought occurred, what if this was God's way of making me humble? What if this was God's way of showing me that I need my family? All along I thought I was in control and perhaps, just maybe, this was God's plan...to bring me out here and realize that I am no one without HIM and my family.

One day, I went to get my mail and had an invitation to a Christian church. For some reason, I held on to that invite. Didn't throw it away.

You see, I turned my back on God 18 years ago. I grew up in the Christian faith, but when I became pregnant at 14, I forgot all about God and can honestly say I have never felt the desire to attend church or look for God.

My oldest son ran away back in September. He didn't like Henderson and took a Greyhound bus back to North Hollywood, CA. So it's just my 13 year old son and I out here.

On a Saturday evening in January, I got the urge to go to church. For the first time in a very long time, I prayed. I said God, I feel like going to church. Please don't take this feeling away from me. Let me wake up tomorrow morning and still have this feeling. And so it was. I woke up Sunday morning with the feeling, desire, need to go to church. I grabbed the invitation I received six months ago and off my son and I went.

As soon as I stepped foot inside that Christian church, I broke down and starting crying like I hadn't cried in a very long time. I understand now that this was God's plan. It took this move to get me to renew my relationship with HIM. This was God's plan. Break me down, make me humble, and get close to HIM. This was HIS plan. I laugh when I think about MY plan now...

I miss California like crazy. Whenever I think about going back, this Christian church is what keeps me here. I used to say, this Christian church is the only thing that keeps me in Henderson. I realize it's not the "ONLY" thing. It is THE thing that keeps me here. How can finding God's home be the only thing??? It's THE thing. I am nothing without THE thing! I have grown a lot spiritually and have a lot to go. But I can honestly say with 100% certainty that had I stayed in California I would still be full of anger and hate. I would still be arrogant and prideful, thinking I don't need anyone. Here, I have found what it means to be humble. I have let go of my anger. I have something I never thought I would have, I have inner peace.

My first love

God, I miss you.

I know it wasn't you who left, or stopped coming, or took a step away. I hope that you would come back to me with the strength and the vigor of my younger days. Do you remember, Lord, when all the beauty I saw, all the smiles and flowers and music and gifts and love were words to me from your very lips? Now I have taken them for granted, or worse, taken them as idols to be worshipped for their own sake. I felt so close to you.

And now I'm bogged down with relationships, bills, family issues, job worries, school issues, and amidst all of this, I have lost sight, lost the scent, grown deaf to the sounds, dull to the taste, and numb to the feeling of your very presence. And I feel so very alone.

I wish that you hadn't made it so you were the only way. You're also the toughest way, did you know that? I'm sure you did. You took the path first, didn't you? I have taken, as it were, the scenic route. You never speak from whirlwinds and pillars of fire anymore. Sometimes I think it's what I need.

I cannot go to your house tomorrow. I am once again going to work. I'm sorry I didn't work it out beforehand. I don't know the way out of here, and if you step back, then what light will I have to walk by? Take me back, scoop me up, dust me off, and send me on my way. Help me let go, so I can move on.

Why did you make love so painful? Is Love Pain? You, who are yourself Love Incarnate, what did it get you, Lord? Pain, rejection, loneliness, abandonment, humiliation, death. Perhaps I can expect no better.

God, I miss you. I'll try to come home soon.

still loving your ex

do you ever think that your over a old relationship? but then when you run into her you still love them but don't want too?

Addiction to prostitutes

I have been addicted to prostitutes for the past seven years. It started with a foreign trip, but now I am consumed with thinking about where next to find a cheap girl. I used to enjoy travelling to new places and exploring on my own. Nowadays I am just looking out for girls wherever I go. It is terrible. I have no freedom anymore. I have tried everything I can think of to change. I was in counselling for over a year. I have read numerous books. I joined a men's group dealing with this issue. Nothing has worked. I have prayed and prayed, even tried fasting, but that has not worked either. I want to be free!

What i've become

I am constantly lying to everyone over simple things...over my past and my life just to make myself seem more interesting.i make up sex fantasies in my head all day and then come home and masterbate to them.

i ditched almost a whole semester of class.

i hate or am jealous alot.

i am not sharing the word of God.

i am being a bad disciple and lying by telling everyone only the good things and not that i am struggling.i have been sitting around not really being productive and i feel that God wants us to be active like Jesus and i am not living up to that.I have been a disciple for a month or so now and i am constantly having lustful thoughts as well as masterbating...i am lying and telling everyone i am doing okay with God when i know in reality my relationship with him is practically non exsistent anymore...this masterbation thing is really starting to take control over all aspects of my life....i can be at home trying my hardest not to sin but the second i'm alone even though my body most of the time doesn't want "it" i defy God and do it anyways.

Losing a marriage

I had an abusive marriage, to a man who was on alcohol and drugs. When he got mad at me, he would hit me. But the rest of the time he was so wonderful, and we had a great marriage 95% of the time. After he hit me the last time (on my birthday, he broke my nose because I laughed at a tv show when he wasn't feeling good) and I went to Safe Nest, and got a restraining order and has him removed from the house. I have not seen or spoken to him in two months but I am having a hard time getting over him, I think about him and I cry every day. I have spent innumerable hours in prayer and I just do not feel this pain lessening at all. I cannot understand why God is not lessening the pain! I wish and pray that I become stronger and not spend time mourning a relationship that was so bad at times.

stripped of my relatives

I started coming to my church 2 years ago. Not 3 months into it, I and my lifetime mentor had separated due to money. I asked her to go to Church with me, but she wouldn't make the time. Once I started going more, I notice a difference in how I reacted towards situations her and I were in. Let's just say I was always very dramatic and I started becoming less agressive and more passive, oh she ate me up alive. She is my mother's sister, and told me she was taking things out on me that she hated my mother for. Still today 2 years later we speak nothing to one another. I have finally moved on from most of my anger and wonder if she could just put this all behind us? Daddy's Little Girl has seen a different side of her father... he has just basically become invisible I guess. What I wonder, is why is it that the closer I get to God, the further away my relatives get from me? It breaks my heart, because all I want is to spend time with my family. I grew up with a lot of money and it just doesn't fill that need. I'm recently engaged and we both are Christians, but he had a different home church. I told him my church was all the family I had left and that I do not ever want to give that up. He finally decided to make my church his home church. God always has a plan for us, even if we don't like parts of it, then end result is for our (God and You) hearts desire.

KILLING SOMEONE AND BREAKING MY LEG

well i don't really know where to start. i grew up in a christian family so i always had the background and believed. but during high school and years to follow i was a luke warm christian or even worse. i still believed but struggled with everything from a foul mouth, to drugs, having premarital sex, drinking, pornography, etc. i had problems with thinking i was the best and thinking that it was all about me and i was in charge of my life. it was all working out fine for me thinking i could live for god and the world at the same time and i had no worries. i had a good job, good money all the material posessions and toys you would want, it was great. anyways, i started getting closer to god for real this time. i was attending church regularly, and i even started praying on my way work in the morning. i remember i used to pray to god and say god help me with my pornography addiction and this crazy lust i have in my heart i just can't shake it. i also would say please help me get on the right track that you have planned for my life "BUT DON'T DO ANYTHING TOO DRASTICALLY OR INJURE ME TO OPEN MY EYES." then one morning while praying i said lord i need your help, do WHATEVER you need to, to get my attention. THAT WEEK I WAS DRIVING HOME ON MY MOTORCYCLE AND A JAY WALKER RAN OUT IN FRONT OF ME AND I HIT AND KILLED HIM. THAT SLOWED ME DOWN AND REALLY MADE ME THINK ABOUT WHO IS REALLY IN CONTROL. THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY IS TRYING TO PROSECUTE ME FOR WRECKLESS DRIVING INVOLVING A DEATH, BECAUSE HE SAID I WAS SPEEDING. LATER THEY ISSUED A WARRANT OUT FOR MY ARREST AND I SPENT A NIGHT IN JAIL. I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK BUT WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS IN COURT, I COULD POSSIBLY DO 1 TO 6 YRS. MAYBE IT DIDN'T OPEN MY EYES ENOUGH BECAUSE WITHIN A MONTH I WAS AT A CONCERT AND BROKE MY LEG. I WAS OUT OF WORK FOR OVER A MONTH AND IN LOTS OF PAIN, NOT TO MENTION FEELING TOTALLY HELPLESS. I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT ABOUT MY PRAYER ASKING GOD TO GET ME ON TRACK BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY AND LET ME JUST SAY HE HAS MY ATTENTION. I HAVE DRAWN SUPER CLOSE TO GOD I READ HIS WORD AND PRAY EVERYDAY,GOD HAS TAKEN AWAY THE LUST IN MY HEART AND I NO LONGER STRUGGLE WITH PORNOGRAPHY AT ALL. I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO BE MORE HUMBLE AND FILLED WITH NICE WORDS AT WORK ALSO. I THANK GOD FOR LETTING THESE THINGS HAPPEN IN MY LIFE EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE BAD, HE HAD A GREATER PURPOSE IN MIND FOR ME, AND THOSE INCIDENTS HAVE IMPROVED MY WALK WITH HIM.

My Ex and his STD

I am recently divorced. My ex was a violent, cheating alcoholic. When I finally got the nerve to kick him out...I was left alone, with a baby and nearly two years later still no child support. Although time has passed and I am no longer angry at my ex for cheating on me or for the violence, I recently learned that he left me with HPV and genital warts. I just know that I am sitting here with HER virus and I can't help but start to feel the anger bubbling up inside of me. Knowing that I will never be cured from this virus and that I may ultimately get cervical cancer is hard enough, but wondering how to tell the guy I am currently dating is killing me. I haven't found the nerve to tell him. Unfortunately for me, I am living paycheck to paycheck and unable to pay for the costly treatments for the warts. The medication I was prescribed is not working. I sit here and feel dirty and disgusted in my own skin. I just want to crawl out of my own body. It was hard enough to live with and start to forgive him for the past. Now I wonder how do I live with this?

My TRUTH

I am about to reach my 32nd birthday & Lord knows I shouldn't even be here today. I recently am coming to terms with my addiction to METH!!!!! I started 13 years ago, only using when I was working overtime. My excuse was I couldn't do the shifts w/out it. My 1st and not the only the last lie I would tell myself. I met all kinds of people, but to this day I don't communicate with 1 of those people I thought was my friends. I 'll make a long story short, I married my high school sweetheart and after the birth of my BEAUTIFULL child was born ever thing God had planned began to unfold. I found myself in a broken marriage holding a gun to my head. I remember pulling the trigger, yet I woke with my life and hold my son in one hand and that bullet in the other. The gun was NO WHERE to be found. I cried out to God, "WHY?" I prayed that he send me the true LOVE he had planned for me and my son, to lead me so that I my lead my child to be that man of God I am responsible to do as a parent. After 5 more years of my lies and the drug, I met this man with such strength and truth about himself. We started going to church together and now we are attending a couples commitment class to be married. TODAY WILL BE MY 1ST REAL DAY OF SOBRIETY! TOMORROW WILL BE MY FIRST RECOVERY CLASS AT THE CHURCH. BUT TODAY IS TRULY MY FIRST DAY OF TRUTH!!!!!! AFTER ALL MY LIES GOD STILL IS THE ANSWER. I HEARD ONE TIME THIS PHRASE: TELL THE TRUTH AND SHAME THE DEVIL! SHAME ON YOU SATAN YOU WILL NOT WIN MY SOUL, THAT BELONGS TO THE TRUTH, THE LIGHT. THE BEGINNING AND THE END. THANK YOU LORD FOR SENDING JESUS TO BE THE REASON I AM FORGIVEN.

No to Evil

Where should I start, first of all I committed my life to GOD three years ago when I was dealing with drugs and not with my family, my family who waited for me, my family who I hurted so much. Well three years ago my life changed 160 degrees it's unbelivable how my heart and my mind are in the same place. There's a place in the Bible where it saids that GOD gives you a new heart and I believe I got a new heart its amazing THANK YOU JESUS. I am a Mother, Daughter and a Wife and can do it all but I need help, prayer, I'm not shure,this is my cituation My husband has a 14 year old daughter who's Mother past away in a fatal car accident and we brought her to come and live with us so we have a new addition to our family I felt really good about it I said to my self it's perfect I'm not that old person any more but lately I turned into this jelous person that I don't want to be I'm supposed to be the adult and I'm accting childish I realize when I'm accting this way but somehow I let it get to me. I ask for prayer: Dear Lord please help me ignore Evil, I'm doing so good I thank you for all that your giving me and I don't want to turn this new heart bad, I realize now that this new heart is for Love and that's what I ask for Love to not only to show my family but others, In JESUS name AMEN

gambling

I am a gambler. I have wasted thousands of dollars and lied and sneaked around all who I love. I need forgiveness and I need God to make me whole again. I can only move forward now because there is nothing I could do to change the past.life will be good once more and I will stop being so addicted to the gambling. I will make a pack with God as of today I will not gamble anymore.

low self esteem and anger

When I wae 10 or 11 my father raped my sister, as a result of that I spent some time in a reform school. The result of that left me unable to communicate very well. In the early 80's after a divorce my oldest son was killed while on a church hay ride. After 20 years I have began trying to re-establish a relationship with God

Feelings for another man

My husband and I have not been getting along for quite some time now. I believe he has been unfaithful, however, he denies it. Recently, a person from my past has resurfaced. I confided in him about my marital issues. For awhile, we talked as just friends, but now we have discovered that we share feelings for one another. The only way that I can justify my having feelings for this other man, is that in my heart I believe my husband has already cheated. I know this doesn't make it right, but I find myself longing to be with this other man. Luckily, he does not live here, or I think we would have already crossed the line. My husband and I are in counseling, but I really do not have the strength to keep trying. I believe he has already chosen the other woman, and expects me to be the one to end the marriage. Truthfully, as of late, I don't care...because of how the other man makes me feel. I am trying to ask God for guidance, but I feel so guilty. I don't understand how things in our marriage could have gotten so bad. Neither one of us seems to care about the other person's feelings. We say terrible things to one another. It's a small piece of hell. I wish we could be happy again, but it doesn't seem like we will ever get to that point.

Please pray for us...

Confused

Thats enough for now & ever

you know after years of being married. i am not even desiring my mate anymore. it do to many things he just should not of done. and i do not want him back. sometimes i think he still thinks there is hope for us, yet he violated me in ways that i just don't desire to have him in my house let alone the same bed. the communication has not been there, and i just after prater and everything else. realize that i do not desire to have anymore of my future with him. i could care less if i ever see him again. I am praying to God that will be the case for good. i do believe God is going to recompense me for all the hurt and harm that was afflicted. there is nothing about him that makes my heart jump, or knees quiver. he doesn't have my heart or attention anymore. I am believing that God desires to see me with a man, that i feel and know i he is a blessing to me, no more of the other way. Roungh. Yes i am a believer, thats why i am believing after everything he pulled. My Most high God is moving him out of my house, life and for once and for all he will leave me alone.I want no part of him, he hurt me deeply, and at this point there is nothing that i choose to do to do to make the marriage work. He screwed up big. and i have forgiven him, and i don't want any hurt or harm to him. i just never want to share my bed with him again. I do believe that God is turning things around for me, and i have no more time, energy to invest in any aprt of him. i am finding the strength to invest in me and the life JESUS died at the cross for me to have. I also believe that My God will give me a 7 times recompance for it all. Jesus and HIS words are truth. a man builds his wife up like Christ does the church. period.forgiven, yet no more!!
So, i hope that someone will talk to him, and let him see the light.He needs to come clean and call it for what it is. I just desire no more now and forever of him. Prayers are helpful, and that is why god is telling my heart & soul. No trespassing, don't deliver your old ways to my home. they are stamp. return to sender.
God desires for me to have allot more better treatment then i knew of. thank you for my church and small group.
Eph 1;19-23, 2:9 Col:2. Now get off my back and let me Live again. I am staying in the Light of Love, and all that means for me to receive. I am the daughter of the King, and that says allot. in name. I have desires God put in my soul and heart and they are far better then the lies of his. thank you my Lord & Savior.

letting go

I was in a relationship with a man for 31/2 years and finally deceided to ask him to move out last July, thinking we needed time to get ourselves together and then see where it lead us. 4 days later he met another woman and started pursuing her unbeknownst to me. When I found out I was hurt all over again and started to pursue him in late August when I found out. He slept with both of us at different saying he was confused. I knew but she didn't. I told her and all hell broke loose. Back in April I was reading the Purpose Driven Life and in chapter 20 it said to heal broken relationships so I called him and made ammends. After a week he cut our communication off and then less than a week later he called needing help and support. We talked a lot for 10 days, with him complaining about his girlfriend. I told him it wasn't appropiate and needs to tell her. One Friday night we were having dinner and I asked him if he loved her he said no. I texted him and told him I still loved him, just writing this makes me look stupid! Without responding to my text, we talked again and he said I would have to be friends with his girlfriend for us to be friends. I contacted the girlfriend and she denied saying that and started asking me questions. He has been lying to her and not telling her everything. He came to my house and called me all kinds of names including F---bitch, which now I can't seem to get out of my head. He threatened me and said if I ever contact him or his family again he will come to my house and destroy something. I am fine with moving on and see how unhealthy the relationship was but I am having trouble with what he called me. HELP!!!!!

Abuse and low self esteem

Well I grew kind of just keeping things to myself which has to really surprise some people seeing as I talk so darn much. I move constantly which is part of the reason its so easy for me to run away from my problems though I never really viewed it as that. When I was young my father gave me and my sister a bath which turned kind of (alot) innappropriate (excuse my spelling if its wrong). I didnt say any thing til way later but I still feel dirty. The low self esteem thing comes from abuse from another person though. We lived together in the same house my mom,sister, and I and his family. He teased me so badly about how I looked, how fat I am and ugly but when everyone left it was totally different. It was alot of touching and well you get my drift. I have told my pastor recently (more like let it slip) and it seems like now I think about it more then ever. I feel dirty. I feel like everyone knows. I feel stupid. I feel like its my fault. I feel like I've been trying really hard to be in Gods grace but it never gets easier for me. Its one craptastic thing after the other. Why does it seem so easy for other people. Well I guess thats the key word ,seems. My mom says its just the storm before the blessing but how long does one storm have to last. My childhood sucked and my teenage years aren't looking to fanfriggentastic either. I know "its just your teenage hormones" but if one more person tells me that I'm gonna busta cap! That wasn't very christian like haha.

living the vegas life....

i am living here in vegas and i am an exotic dancer. i have been a christian my whole life but i struggle with my relationship with God and keep him on the back burner due to my job. i have built my life around the easy money i make dancing and have so much fear about quitting. i am totally addicted to my income and i am completely on my own and have been since i was sixteen. i do go to school and i am trying to get an education to break these ties....but i am sooo scared and i truly have a problem with having faith that God will provide. i am too stubborn and need to let go....i just hope it is not too late and that i can come out from all this unscathed.....

I made him hate me

I hate myself so much that I do everything wrong so that he will not want to be with me. On the surface, we are a perfect family, both Christian from good, loving families, two beautiful daughters and a long marriage. But underneath it all, I am lying, cheating, being secretive, vindictive and lazy. I purposely do things I know he hates just so he will get mad. I feel like I don't deserve such a good man in my life so I'm doing everything I can to make him see that too. I don't want to lose him because I really do love him but I've driven him past the point of no return. I can't seem to stop myself from being controlling and secretive and demeaning. I struggle with my own needs of feeling independent and secure but all of my plans do not include my husband. I always fantasize about my life with just me and the kids. I've even gone so far as thinking life would be easier if I was a widow instead of divorced. I want a divorce because I want to give him the chance to be with someone who doesn't constantly criticize and blame him. I never make him feel adequate and even though I love him, I don't treat him nicely most of the time. I would rather spend time with my kids or sleep all day than spend time with him. When he starts talking to me, I feel myself shutting him out immediately and feel like I don't even care what he's saying. I no longer care about the answer to the simple question, "how are you honey?" I want out and can't seem to stop myself. I hate myself so much that I'd rather be a single mother alone than in this marriage, feeling as alone as I do. Most of our marriage is fine, but my husband is so anti-sex that sometimes I feel as if he might be secretly homosexual or fighting abuse that he's never shared with me. He's not interested in sex with me. And unfortunately for me, I only feel loved and wanted when there is a healthy sex life or tons of affection in my life. If there isn't any of that, I feel even lower and then I treat him even worse. I take out all my negative emotions on him and he doesn't deserve it. I try to tell him that he'd be better off divorcing me but he still loves me and wants to stay together. Since we have kids, he's fighting for our marriage so hard and all I want to do is leave him for his own good. I'm terrified that I can't change my ways and eventually I'll hurt everyone I love. I don't want my children growing up witnessing a loveless marriage. They deserve to have healthy examples of a relationship. I don't know what's worse, a divorced family or a loveless family. I feel like a bad Christian for wanting a divorce but I feel like he's broken the 'rules' by abstaining from his own wife. I constantly think of cheating on him but I never want to betray him. I feel like the only choice I have to live a healthy sexual life is through divorce. I feel totally selfish for breaking up my family just to have a good sex life. That is so wrong!! But my alternative is living the rest of my life like a nun. I think I'll go crazy and eventually become such a nasty, mean woman that no one will want to be around me. I don't want that. I have no idea what is the right thing to do. UGH. Why can't I just be happy without sex in my life??? But it's all I seem to be able to think about. I feel like he thinks I'm so disgusting and unloveable when he doesn't want to touch me. He tells me that I'm the one who turned him away until he stopped trying. I totally don't remember that!! I just want a biblical loving husband and wife relationship. I want song of Solomon where the man treats his woman so well, her cup runs over and she in turn gives him all he desires. Why can't it be like that?? Jeez I sound so whiney!! Thank God Jesus loves me just as I am!!! Forgive me God for sabotaging myself and please lord, if there's any way to save my marriage and save my own self at the same time, please show me the way. I feel like if I stay married to him, I must forget my whole wants and needs and die inside. I have come to hate who I am when I am with him. Please God show me your will in my marriage. Thank you.

i cant seem to find my way

I knew that my husband's number one rule that he said he could not forgive was unfaithfulness. And yet, when I felt alone and unloved, I turned to the internet to make friends and eventually fell into the seedier sides of cyber sex and pornography. I felt myself changing and did nothing to stop it. When my husband found out and confronted me, I begged for his forgiveness. I cut off all of my ties to that world and even bought a new computer with none of my previous programs, sites, or cyber friends. I cut that part out of my life but my husband has been unable to forgive me and continues to feel as if he cannot trust me. I feel as if I can do nothing to earn his trust back. Even though I have been faithful since that day, I continue to feel like he is always thinking of this incident. I can't help feeling as if only he hadn't made me feel unloved in the first place, I never would have turned to that place. I take responsibility for my addiction and have taken steps to eliminate triggers and such from my life but my husband continues to abstain from sex with me and cannot even express the tiniest affection towards me without feeling as if he's touched something disgusting and dirty. I wish I'd never turned to the internet but I also wish I'd never felt neglected too. It's horrible to feel as if it's my husband's fault also that I strayed. I know that's not right to think like that but I still feel it all the same. I feel like if he even knew 'the real me' that he'd run for the hills and never want to see me again.

Hurting

I am recently divorced and find that I can't get over my ex. Initially, I didn't see what I had and always took for granted the fact that "we would always be together." After several years of bickering and 11 years of marriage, he asked me for a divorce and moved out a week later. I was stunned. At first I was ok with it, because I felt that he would be back. Slowly the divorce came thru in March and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I loved him with my entire being and I was crushed because over the 6 months that he was away, he was moving on. I then tried to get him back. Speaking my feelings from the heart like I had never done before. But to no avail. He was able to look me in the eyes and tell me that he had "no romantic love" for me. Again, I was crushed. How can someone give up 13 years with someone just like that? I can't stop crying. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I am miserable. I keep praying that the Lord will bring us back together, but I find that faith seems to be in short supply right now. And the really bad part is we have a 3 year old son in which we share custody. So every 2 days, I get my son. This is good, but when I don't have him I sink into despair. I am hurting so bad. I don't understand why God would do this to me. So I have this conflict in my heart. Meanwhile, I continue to hurt. When does it stop?

mad

I am 24 years old and I am also mad or getting mad and I just do not know why I have it very good I work part time and I am making good money and I am living at home with my mom and I am helping her out but still I do not feel like I am doing anything with my life and I sometimes think why was I born for but then I know that God has a plan for my life and I know I just have to wait for him to lead me to the path her want me to take I try to read the bible and spend time with him and then I do good for a while but then I slip into old way again not caring and not bring happy with want I have and bring mean to ever one I know and I just do not know how to stop doing that.

i am miserable

i daydream about divorcing my husband but i'm terrified to. he has broken my trust so many times by lying, cheating and alcohol, drug, porn, etc abuse that i just don't know what my limit is supposed to be. i know God wants my marriage to work and i am sitting back and trying to let Him take care of it but i am miserable. i have two kids. i come from divorced parents. i don't want them to deal with the same things i did, but i'm not sure how much longer i can give give give with being trampled every few months.

i dont know what to do. i need serious counseling but i have no money.

Will I Be Forgiven

I know that our God is merciful and forgiving, and with repentance we will all be forgiven of our sins, but can he forgive me for what I have done. I was married for 23 years to a man that I truly loved, but our life was not without trials and tribulations. Having heard that he was going to leave me for the second time, the felling of despair and rejection and the rememberance of his cheating and betrayal 10 years earlier, lead me to make an unbelievable choice. I thought, "this man is not going to do this to me again," and I cheated on him with his best friend. My husband left me the next day as he had planned, and we are now divorced.

I am still involved with the other man, who was also my friend of 17 years, and the person I plan to spend my future with. He believes that God's destiny is for us to be together, and although we attend church together regularly I question whether God will ever forgive us or bless our relationship.

Long term happiness vs short term happiness

Me and my girlfriend have a wide age difference. She is 20 and I am 31. She only sees short term happiness and is often unsatisfied when the short term happiness is unfulfilled. I call it looking at the big picture which is part of long term happiness. To me that is spiritual growth, building a family and having goals to accomplish. She says she doesn't see long term eventhough I have explained this to her. We are at the point where we have split because confilcts that may be from our age difference have taken there toll. I am wondering if there is any advice besides moving on since we have a child together. I am thinking of sending her the secret dvd. I heard it was great. Since she moved she no longer goes to church and her faith is there but very weak. Thank you for the answers in advance and may God bless you all!

what to do

there is a man who seems to be tormenting my family, he is a kind person and generous with his worldly wealth at times and very cruel hearted at other times
he has my family working for him and he uses his power to demean them, their very livleyhood depends on his emotional whims!
he has hurt my family with mental abuse, and oft times helped with monetary problems
i dont know what to do because i feel much anger towards his hurting the people i love, do i stand up for my family??
i dont want to use harshness, though i am very tempted to, how do you stand up to oppressors??
what do you do with someone who abuses their authority and crushes poor people with their money and power?
i just want to flip him the bird

emotionally abused and abusing others

In my second marriage now and the man I've chosen has become a self-fulfilling prophecy of emotional abuse. Myself abused as a child by mother - too busy to give a child what she needed - never remember a warm place with her. By father who was absent - both physically and emotionally - even to this day. Sexually by an uncle, whose care my sister and I were put into by my mother. Now I'm with a husband who yells, demeans, unappreciative, just overall cuts me down to nothing. He has alienated all of my family and any friends that I had or tried to have. On the outside, I appear to the casual observer to be a successful professional with lots going for me - it's such a facade. Anyone who gets to know me, sees that I am really a mess. My anger at my husband comes out toward the kids - mostly his kids who I have adopted. They do things that are so like him - I lash out at them. I hate it. I end up hating myself most of all. And blaming myself for it all. I am desperate for a way out - even a final ending to relieve others of my abuse.

help my marriage

help! my marriage is headed for disaster! all we do is fight and scream and cuss at each other. we both have had bad marriages in the past and we started treating each other with the same direspect and anger that we had with those relationships. how do we stop this? we both love each other so much but we treat each other so badly. we fight on a weekly basis. every thing and any thing sets us off. even when one of us realizes how stupid we are acting the other refuses to let go. i know i am just as much to blame. we both know we need to change or there wont be any hope for our marriage. we have just started talking about needing god in our life, we both know we wont make it without him. we finally went to church this weekend. i know it will take more than just going to church. but how do we get past being so hateful and bitter?

depressed and grief/fear

since the loss of my husband 1 and 1/2 years ago .i feel i cant move forward and seek out my dreams without his emotional and secure support.i am fearful on my own and feel no one is there to cheer me on. he was truly the wind beneath my wings. now i feel i cant fly without him by my side.....i know god is always with me but i just am, i guess co dependant on someone to be by my side..please pray for me to get the strength and courage i need to go forward and suceed on my own...

empty

My father became very ill last September he wanted to be home when he passed, so i spent 11 days at his side until he took his last breath. 3 weeks later i was told i was pregnant, i was over joyed. the following morning i got a call saying i needed to come in to the Dr office when i arrived they told me i was very ill and took me to the hospital for surgery i woke up to hear the baby could not be saved. My heart was just broken, i kept praying for God to help me understand why But all i got was more suffering. In early April my baby sister was taken to the hospital and put on life support my family was told we needed to stay close, three days later we get a phone call all i hear is honey i am sorry but your father in law has passed away. i wasn't sure how much more my family could take. then it hit. we had to make the decision to take my sister off life support.
as we sat by her side the last hours of her life i felt like my soul was changed like i was just hollow inside. I asked you Please pray for me and my family.

gambing addiction, liar

I am a husband and father with a gambling addiction. I convince myself that I can "control" the urges and deal with it on my own without any assistance. Having attended GA and having read the 12 steps I know that I am powerless over the addiction. I must ask God to keep me free from the addiction. For the most part I do not think about gambling. I relapse, go for months without gambling, and then the urge will return. I am not truthful with my wife and do not share my feelings or seek out help from GA or from God. I sucumb to the urges and relapse again and again. I want to be able to ask for help and not choose to gamble. I do not want to lie to my wife. I want to gain the strength to make good choices. I want to stop being lazy and do the work. I want the courage to be a "true believer" in Christ and not just go through the motions of church. Please pray for my wife and family. Please pray for me that I will never lie, cheat or gamble ever again.

my relationship with god is hard to keep

i am a 13 year old boy and i am having the hardest time with god. I think sexual thoughts
i like to think or do un-godly things that i know i am not supposed to do but when i do it i do it in pleasure. i read my bible every night but i cant seem to learn from them. like in proverbs 1 verse 7 "the fear of the lord is the beggining of knowledge but fools despise wisdom and instruction". I FEEL LIKE I AM THAT FOOL. i would like to fear the lord but i dont know how. it also says verse 24 in chapter 1 because i have called and you refused a have stretched out my hand and no one regaurded. 28: they will call on me but i will not answer, they will seek me dilligently but they will not find me29 because they hated knowledge and did not choose to fear the lord30 they will have none of my counsel and despised my every rebuke and be full to fill their own fancies. I am afraid i will not get into heaven,because i have started to take the lord for granted. i am lost in my faith. i have this necklace of a cross and i take it off ive gonna do something bad or if i did. my grandmother gave me this necklace and i feel terrible when i sin. i know that sin is sin but there are some sins that make me just so ... so terrible thinking what have i done. then ill read my bible feel good the next day do it again. its just so repetitive with me . i need spiritual help. remember i am just 13 . i am already worried about my way to heaven having problems. if u have read this story god bless you if you have problems such as mine i hope that god helps you. and eventhough you dont know me pray for me.
god bless

Constant worry, dread and fear.

I'm a 53 yr old Christian male.
I constantly imagine the worst that can happen.
I let what "might" happen in the future rob me of any joy and contentment I could be experiencing now.
I've come a long way from my youth when I let this type of problem immobilize me.
Now, I function pretty well externally, but internally - I am always churning and churning with fear, dread and worry.
I've prayed and prayed and nothing seems to change.

Unforgiveness as a stronghold

I normally think that I can just go to the Lord and bring my praise and needs to Him without making a big deal of it, but I have been led to write a post, as I have come to a realization of how much junk I have in the area of forgiveness. I have been wounded by a parent, an ex-husband, childhood friends,a fellow Christian, and now my oldest son. I am hearing my son parrot some of the things that I used to hear my ex-husband say to me all the time and it brings back deep pain, anger, and unforgiveness. I need to let go of that and it's very hard - it's not like I'm not going through the motions (We're praying for them in our small group), but I realized yesterday that I've still been hanging on to so much of that hurt. I think that by letting go and writing this, I can release it to my Lord, who has provided so many miracles in my life that I couldn't begin to tell you. It seems like I'm never surprised, but ALWAYS amazed at his grace and glory. Please pray for me, as I believe that my unforgiveness is a large part of the damage that has been done to my poor child/ren. Just because I haven't been vengeful in my actions, doesn't mean that I have been truly obedient. Thank you and God Bless...

drinking, smoking, and phone sex

No one would imagine that someone like me could be addicted to these. I am ashamed, embarrassed and humbled. Through several testimonies at church and else where I realize I am not alone. I accepted Christ into my life some time ago and have in my life now. I know what I am doing is wrong and I desperately want to stop it and give it all to God. I have a great life, why why do I do this to myself? It is an addiction one that needs to be dealt with now. Lord help me with this I don't want this in my life anymore!!!

broken love and friendship

my bestfriend and boyfriend turned out to be my biggest nightmare. He was controlling and obsessive. my attempt to break away and regain control of my life has blown up in my face. he has called me every name in the book and spread nasty rumors to my friends. Im a strong girl but this has to an extent defeated me. how can someone i loved be so kaniving and ruthless? and how can I move on from this with my dignity still intact? and how can I learn to forgive and forget?

Cast all your care

Its been very difficult for many years in a marriage I have been in. There has been much of what I see and hear has conflicted with God's views of a relationship between a man and wife. That is why I have been sad, disappointed, and have given up. Our communication isn't even there. And it can go on for weeks. There have been many things that have not been right happen between us. I have no desire to be loyal anymore to someone who just never is there for me, or someone I can't talk with. Who shows he cares. And when it comes to, lets pick up where we left off. Well my firm belief is. No way. There are some relationships that have better promise, and that's why I just have decided to let myself stay open someone who takes joy in my happiness.
Well just needed to get this out. and there have been many others things that have gotten in the way. A man that compliments me, and enjoys building me up. No need to be or feel less in the eyes of God. So i won't give that permission , or be under that kind of authority with a man. I ask that Jesus keeps me in the fruits of the vine, so i can see all the divine works HE can do. So all that hurt and harmed me will be a faded memory, replaced with GOOD quality memories of LIFE. AMEN

depressed and grief

Please pray for me I feel depressed and my health is bad. My brother died in August he was 46. It has been a emotional year. I haven't been to church since he died. I don't know why. I want to come but every Sunday I don't come I feel stuck and depressed . Please pray I will come back I don't understand why I'm doing this.

I NEED TO SCREAM

I am in a very unhappy, unstable marriage (married 1/2002 & together 04/2000). My spouse has taken me for granted for the past 4 years. I no longer love him. I actually hate him for all the things he has said to me and what he has "not" done. He blames everyone for everything and it annoys me to no end. My daughter hates him and he does nothing to help the problem except tell me that it is my fault. I stay for my son who is 4 and my step-children who do not have a relationship with him and not a healthy one with their birth mother. Sometimes, I feel like I am going crazy with him. I have a lot of medical issues going on that he has not accepted and or deal with. I am in pain a lot, but I am always running for my kids, which I don't mind, but I'm tired of being the only parent, I would not give them up for anything, but I do get tired. I would really like to scream right now or maybe even cry.

haven't seen my mother in 4 1/2 years

we never had a good relationship,she mentally & physically abused me. I forgave tried a relationship but one day she said I was dead to her that she always loved my bro more than me and that was it. As mothers day approches I get sad about it. What more could i have done?
I am a very succesful woman she should be proud.

the worst thing is I haven't had any contact with my bro since then. he was also very abusive growing up but i forgave.

I feel bad because sometimes i think god wont forgive me since i really havent sought her out but how can i? she has hurt me more than anyone deserves. are we forced to have a relationship with abusive parents?

The Fr. and mother who broke my heart.

And left me with nothing, except the Lord's will.



In the end, that's all that matters.

lonely.

I feel lonely. I feel like i'll never have a boyfriend. Im in highschool and i STILL havent had a boyfriend. I watch my good friends in relationships and I see how happy they are. Why can't I be that happy? Why do I have to be afraid of trying new things? I just want to find a relationship that I will be happy in. As happy as I see my friends.

Liar

If there was a definition of my life this would be the definition. Liar. I lie to God, I lie to myself and I lie to anyone and everyone. My life is one big lie.

I divorced my wife almost one year ago. I have two small children ages 6 and 7. I am missing out on the best part of their lives because I would rather be in Las Vegas, so I can gamble, have sex with prostitutes and do whatever the hell I want to.

I justify it by saying my wife does not want me. Hell, I dont want me. The lie is no one knows were divorced except for God, and us.
My wife thinks I am here because of work. No I am here to gamble, have sex with prostitutes and do whatever the hell I want.

I have lost almost one hundred thousand dollers. I dont know what to do. I play a game that is fifty percent and lose ten times in a row. Bad luck.

The only thing that keeps me from putting a shotgun in my mouth and pulling the trigger is my boys. God cannot even like the life I am living.

I love going to church. I almost cry every Sunday. My pastor makes me feel like someone loves me. I know God loves me, I know my parents love me, however do they like me. I want to be liked.

finances

Finances seems to always be a struggle for myself and my husband. Since Feb. we have been trying to refinance our house. Our mortgage went adjustable as of April 1 payment went up 900.00 dollars. We have been paying all of our financial responsiablities on time. But now someone is judging us on our credit score and that just frustates me. We have been through 6 different mortgage people. This last one seems to be working but a 2 week process is taking a month. why why does this have to be so difficult.Its in underwritting right now but I'm tired of jumping through hoops to get this done.We were hoping by putting my fater in law as a co signer it would make it easier but it hasn't and he has really good credit score. We are forty years old when are we going to stop needing our parents. I'm at my breaking point. Please could you say a prayer for me and my husband to get out of this financial nightmare. We really ty to be good stewards maybe we are missing something.

Secret Poison

I was molested by my dad from the age of 13 to the age of 16, I never told anyone, not even my mom, and now it's tearing me apart. It changes my attitude, the way I think and the way I act. It's like I'm in a constant stage of peranoya and I keep wanting to go home ,but I don't know where that is. I'm scared of ever getting close to anyone. Now my dad just abandoned my family to be with another woman. I am extremly happy about this and yet the wound he left before is bleeding and tearing slowly and I have never been more scared and confused. I never stop running, it seems I'm to scared to stop running and just let my wounds heal.

think about boys to much

I don't have a boyfriend yet. So I am so addicted to boys! Every sentence that I say is about a boy. All I ever say is," oh my god! He is so hot!" or," One day he will be mine!" I don't know what to do any more. Because of this habit, I am chasing away my best friends! What do I do? I am EXTREAMLY lost in my own world! And, because of this problem, I don't think of God. I don't pray any more, don't praise God any more and I take hime for granted for my own personal life. Signed, NEED HELP!

family loosing my baby

hi i have a lot of junk to dump. when i was 18 just out of high school i was prengent i did not tell anyone because i was affaid of what my parents would think. i delivered the baby in the bathroom of my house. i dont remember any of it i have a dissocation order. the baby die i was charged will murder of the 2 the it was droped to chid abuse i was on probation for a year and a half. five years after that happened i had my 1 son and 2 years after that i had my 2 son. but i got prengent before my 2 son was born i had a tubler prengceny. when i had that my boyfriend was glad we were not going to have another baby. 3 m after the i became prengent again i once again prentened that i was not prengent when i was in labor i told my mom thank god my son was healthy. the last 2 and a half years of my life have not been all that great. i started using meth my boyfriend was cheating on me with his boss and got her prengent. ni tryed to run him over with a car and i got put in jail. i then had cps involved with my life. once thay were gone i started using again behund my family. my mother had a garudien ship of my 2 children but i still took care of them i lived with her. jon never took the kids when he was suspost to . on nov 19 i lost it i got in a fight with my mom and was up for a few days witch i never did could i cant handel it i told my mom i was going to stabb her.i went missing changer my phone number on my family. my om called cps because her gauardinship was about to expire and she wanted a new one. cps was now involved again i finaly went to my fasmil and told them i need help i went to umc i told my famil that this has been the 1 time i have gotted high since april. well cps corned me i had to give coustody to there dad and i have to be supervided with them 3 day a week. i went to rehab and today i have been clean for 5 m and going fore coustody of my boys back.

Gambling addiction

I was delivered from drugs and alcohol 20 years ago, Praise God, but this addiction is by far the the most powerful. I cry on my knees and pray that God would help me, but I still find myself back in the casino. How can I love the Lord so much and be such a habitual sinner? Feeling so confused,isolated & lonely in this addiction. No one in my family knows. Please pray for me.
In His love, Toni

I hate.

When people say "I had a rough childhood" or something along those lines of-I say to myself sarcastically..."Yeah, RIGHT." By the age of 10, I realized that I was an adult dealing with adult issues that even some adults don't go through. My mother died when I was 7. My oldest brother was old enough to go on his way & he did. My sister somehow ended up living with her best friend & family at 13 & as for myself... I was "stuck" with my father. He was a since high school drug addict, his soul was drenched of alcohol, he came from an home where his fahter was a soldier of war, abusive to his entire family especially my dad being he was the oldest boy. And at 35, he lost his high school sweetheart to a creep disease called Lupus. I was molested by my father even when my mother was alive, I was abused in every single way-I would even wake up in the middle of sleep being flown across the room. I was called stupid, hopeless, worthless, good for nothing-every single day. I recieved social security checks from my mothers passing & on top of having an Executive Chef paycheck- he used all of his money, my money on booze & drugs. We lived in a house with no running water, no electricity, no food for months at a time. Every single one of my family members knew what was going on & didn't do a thing. I would go to school smelly, dirty, wearing stained clothes, laceless shoes, & always had to borrow money from the office for school lunch. I knew what debt was by 4th grade. Infact, I knew how to type up a resume, fill out job applications & unemployment forms, forge my fathers signature, cook, clean, wash clothes by hand, iron the laundry, & hustle money from my fellow classmates so I would money to buy something small for my dinner that night by 4th grade. I cut myself starting the 6th grade. I made patterns in my arm. I'd use anything from blunt school sheers to rusty razors laying around the yard...I liked to use those to cut under my chin & hope I'd get infected & die. So I suppose I was suicidal at a young age. I hated, purely hated my father. I used to think of ways to kill him as a child. I'd fall asleep planning how to. No one, no one offered help. No one offered me a meal, a shower, or a call to Child Protective Services. By junior high I was cutting school-not to get high or get drunk but to go over to my friends house so I could get some food to eat. They didn't know what I was going through. I was a smiling, happy go lucky, all around type of girl through out school. I tried marijuana, I did drink, I tried cigarettes but thank goodness I don't have an addictive mindlike my father. I was raped at 14 by my best friends neighbor. He was in his mid 20's. We were at a hotel, his hotel room they were having a party. He said I had to have sex with him or else he'd kick me out of his room at 2AM...in the middle of downtown, on Halloween night, at 14 years old. I din't know how to catch the bus. What if I got arrested for curfew? What if I I get raped anyway? So I just layed there crying. I wanted to go over that balcony wall afterwards. I stayed up all night until the sun came up, I left the room & just waited downstairs for my friends mom to come pick us up. I was ready to die everyday. To me, what kind of family did I have? What kind on father do I have? I am 23 now. I have this confusing hate in my heart. I want to forgive but then I think of all the things that he put me through. I think of all the things that my so called family just let happen. There's so much more that happened in between. My sister's husband would come on to me numerous times. My brother never came around but recently did & when he did he lied to me & screwed my over like no other. And both my brother & sister used drugs. I lived with my sister for a few years. When I turned 17 I got a job downtown about a 2 hour bus ride. I'd get off late & end up "home" areound 1AM, she would lock me out of the house & I'd have to sleep outside with the dogs. She used to even turn off the hot water when I would shower, I never understood why, I paid her rent since 15. She even used my social security number to establish a phone line, cable TV, electricity & a cell phone. My credit was SHOT thanks to her by the time I turned 19. To this day, she doesn't want to pay me back for it. There are SO much in betweens. I have a long life story. I don't know how to forgive. And now, when someone does me wrong, they immediately turn cold dead in my eyes. I "X" them out of my life & put them in my pool of hatred. Its a big pool. I struggle with my past & the poeple in it. I hate. I wish I didn't. But I have had hate, neglect, disgust, & plain evil in my life from a young age & it's just part of me. God knows my struggle. He knows my battle. I just don't know how to break the chains I have on my heart, my mind, my life, & myself. My father is 52 years old & still addicted to drugs. How am I suppose to move on when he hasn't learned? I was pregnant in 2005. He NEVER called once. No one did. I hate.
I don't know. God help me. How do I forgive people? I hate. I hate. I hate. I HATE.

My boyfriends atheist

I believe in God! I have talked to him about God but he is the type of person that doesn't believe in something until he sees it. I have prayed and have asked others to pray for him...Is it wrong for me to be dating him because he is a non believer? I really love him...

Can he be saved?

I married a man that seemed to be a great fit for me but as our marriage progressed I discovered his secrets. My husband was a meth addict for the first year of our marriage and I had no idea...he was so normal acting. Then when that addiction was laid to rest and dealt with he started drinking heavily, which unfortunately he inherited from his family. Now we constantly battle the drinking issue and we go round and round about what is "normal". I say that if you do drink it should be in a social situation and he feels that drinking everyday as long as you don't overdo it is under control. Well, I found Jesus again while we were married and have been attending a Christian Church regularly and wish that my spouse could join me in this wonderful journey. I know that if he found God it would help him battle his internal demons and he could find himself and see himself through God's eyes. Please pray with me for my husband that he will come to Jesus and ask him to come into his life and soul and join his family in a good Christian life going down the path to salvation. He has a wounded soul and I can see the helplessness in him...he just needs something to open his eyes to the possibility of Jesus bringing him peace. Please pray for us

addiction

Ive been a christian since 1987 I stopped everything I was using when I got saved. Two years ago I started having back problems and the doctors gave me pain pills. There were times in the past I didnt need them and took them anyway. I quess I was getting addicted. Now I am really serious and they sent me to a pain doctor and he gave me really strong medicine. I want to stop doing the pills now but my back is so bad I cant. I dont know what to do . Now that I have a reason and I need them I feel guilty and I pray God will forgive me.

sexually addicted

It is sad as a write this. I am taking a few moments before I head to church. I know better. When I came to Christ YEARS ago. I committed I would never have sex outside of marriage again. It all started w/ Topless bars, then porn, then chat, then internet sex, then oral and now full blown sex. I know better yet .. I still keep on. Its an addiction that has cost me closeness to my family and work opportunities. Pray that God can provide me freedom. Pray that I have strength to say NO to my stumbling blocks ... Please Pray that I will CLAIM the victory God has promised me n the blood of JESUS. (Its embarrasing, because if I put my complete life history on here, I HAVE NO EXCUSE.)

torn

i am a recovering addict and i am in a situation from my past that is still with me
i cant seem to leave my boyfriend who is still actively addicted, but now he is using something that isnt my drug of choice
i dont feel that this affects my sobriety because i know i am done getting high, but he doesnt seem to want to give up his substance abuse, its so hard for me to leave him even though i know he isnt supporting me in my recovery by behaving in such a way, i am so stuck
how do i leave him?? i wonder if god wants me to endure this, to love unconditionally right?
i ask god to tell me what he wants me to do and my heart tells me to stay, i feel so lost when it comes to him

Lost soul

If you knew me, you would never believe this is the way I feel inside. To the outside world, I seem like a really together person, the kind of guy other people go to when they need help. But inside, I am desperatly lonely and feel my life is empty. I feel I have no reason to get up in the morning. I am divorced and live with my two teenage kids, which I fully support, without any kind of help from my ex-wife. I have no one to talk to or share my life with, no one to celebrate the good times and no one to help me out in the bad times. I feel I am watching life go by, and not really part of it. I try to meet people, but it never goes beyond the superficial stage of just talking about what's in the news or the weather. I have a chronic pain condition that I am being prescribed pain killers for, which I have become pschologically addicted to to deal with my life situation. I am trying to get off them though, but it's hard because the pain of my lonliness is still there, not to mention my original painfull medical condition. I don't know what to do, I pray for help everyday but my prayers have gone unanswered. I have faith that God will help me, but each day I sink deeper into my pit of lonliness.

ex boyfriend

thers this guy i dated for almost 10 years we break up alot. i know he doesnt treat me the way i should be treated.he wants a girlfriend when its convinet for for him.hes not phyically abusive . but he talks down to me so i guess thats mentally abusive. we broke ur recently because im tired im living life this way. he got mad because i asked him what he was diong that night. he said it was none of my business. im 33 years old i want to be with someone treats me with respect and that wants to be with me as much as i want to be with him.i have a disablity so a think maybe that alittle bit why i keep going back to him. because he excepts my disality. but i know i deserve better and i just want to get over him and stop texting him. move on with my life.

lonely, depressed and suicidal

it seems the more i try to get close to God the more i do things to mess it up and make myself unworthy of His love. In March i visited a church and was saved again, i say again because i was told that my 20 some years as a Mormon wasnt being a christian. I havent been active in the LDS church for years but thats basically all i know about the christian religion. So im struggling against what i know as a mormon and what i should know as a christian. Im so alone, this is the first time in my 50 yrs ive been alone, my marriage of 22 yrs ended when my ex decided to retire early and go traveling, alone, but after 2 weeks i got a text message saying, "i dont know if when or if im coming back" Im fine during work, and when im with my wonderful children and grandson, but they are all grown and on their own. They have their own lives to live and i dont want to make them responsible for mine. I look so forward to getting off work after 11 hrs daily but then the minute im in my car the depression hits me and i feel so lost, i have my cell in my hand and wonder who i can call just to talk to someone and theres no one there. I feel rejected by them when i text or call and they are unavailable. Im really a terrible person and i wonder how and why im the way i am. I had to be a terrible wife or he wouldnt have left me, a terrible mother but i look at my kids and they turned out really well, in spite of me, then i will remember something that i feel i did wrong and be depressed all night about it. Since being saved, i find myself swearing more, well maybe im just now aware of it, and i get angry over everything. I was written up at work for being rude and negative, im unaware of how i come across to other people. I found myself stressed and depressed about money and stole an envelope with cash in it and spent it on my grandson. It felt good to have a good time with him but i feel guilty, especially when i have money in my savings account i could have used, but im so afraid of being broke that i wont use it, theres been many times when ive had no money at all and i dont want to go there again. So i eat and make myself more depressed and feel more like a loser. Ive lost over 50 lbs since my ex left me and ive managed to put about 20 back on, feeling undesirable and alone. After all who would want me anyway, so why lose wieght. So to make a long story short(er), im a liar, a thief, a terrible person, and i go to church and sit there wondering why im such im there, i know God doesnt want me, i want to be a good person, but the more i try the more i do to prove how terrible i am. I want to break this cycle but i dont know how. Then i start wondering if i commit suicide will i go to heaven still, since im saved, but am i saved since i keep sinning. I dont know where to go from here, Im trying to live each day but i feel so guilty for the things i continue to do, i even wish i could get drunk, or start taking drugs, anything to escape from being so depressed. Im such a loser how could God want me. KAA

I need freedom

I need freedom as does my entire family. Son needs recovery from many issues,including his hurt heart towards God, the church & christians as a whole.He got mixed up in drugs, cutting, alcohol, etc. I need it in my health as major things going on & we all need it from finanacial strain & stress as it has been rough in all these areas & more but a good place to start. I am tired & not sure how long I can keep doing all this. God sees & knows & need His help, strength, deliverance. His will. His love as a Father to his child, His children.

I just want to know why...

I just want to know why this is happening to me?Why did I have to go through this? I know I am a good strong christian women. I know that I am a good mom. I know that I am a good wife. I know that I always try to help others. So why do I let others tell me different? Why do I let people walk over the top of me? Why do I let my boss and my husband abuse me? Why doesnt my husband love me...well I know he loves me, but why cant he stop drinking so we can be a family? Why can't he stop drinking so that he will quit abusing me both metally and physically? Why does he chose the bottle over his wife and son? Why does what he says when he is drunk hurt me so bad? better question why do I love him so much after everything? Why am I not good enough for him? Why does he lie and say he is getting help and then he doesn't? Why does he call me everyday and see me almost everyday if he doesnt want to get back together? he says that I hurt him to much and that when I left that was it, but he is the one that said the hurtful things that made me leave. He is the one that said I am nothing and she is better than me and that he should have never laft here to be with me. He the one that tells me I am a bad mom. He is the one that tells me I am nothing and useless and stupid. WHY DO I WORRY ABOUT HIM SO MUCH? WHY DO I LOVE HIM SO MUCH? WHY DO I PRAY FOR HIM ALL DAY EVERYDAY AND NOTHING CHANGES? I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE...SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE. I can't be put down everywhere I go.

In love with the lost one

Almost to years ago I met a wonderful man who was a follower of Christ. He was the most incredible person I had ever met. He saw things in the most beautiful light and was grateful for everything from his daughter to the way the wind felt blowing across his face. He guided me to Christ and showed me the way of my heart. I now am a follower and thank God everyday that this man came into my life. I don't know where I would be if I wasn't guided in the right direction. I was on a path of self-destruction. Parting, drinking, and sex was what my life consisted of. Now I read the Bible everyday and go to Church every week with joy!

The wonderful man that showed me the light is now on the wrong path. Partying, drinking every night and doing drugs. He is going through some bad times and has given up on God. He doesn't go to Church anymore and questions God and his will. I know that there is nothing I can do to make him stop the partying. I just keep trying to encourage him and try to keep the hope strong. I love this man with all my heart. I know he needs the hope and love but I am scared that he is lost forever. Please help with just a little prayer for The Lost One!
Thanks,
Love from The Hopeful

Feeling alone,

I have been alone for a year now and I would like to find someone special to share life with. Seems like this town is hard to find a good person to be with. Just need to feel love

sexual abuse

I ama 39 year female that has a very dark past that haunts me. When I was a young teen I was sexally molested by 2 men in our church (one was the pastor). This went on for over three years. I have come so far in my life and I have accomplished great things...but this haunts me terribly. I live in a rural community and there really is not a church or a counselor I believe I can trust. This dark secret haunts my marriage and my ability to trust and have a healthy relationship. My marriage is very rocky right now and I am afraid that it will end.

I hear all the time about sexual abuse in churches and these men are held accountable. Sometimes I wonder if that is what I need to do... somehow hold these men accountable. The flip side is, I really feel that I played a part in this abuse and so I blame myself. This guilt has kept me from participating in other churches.

I was on vacation in Vegas this past week and I went to a church on Easter... I really was moved. For this I really thank you and God. I hope to 'participate' by watching your services on line. Please pray for my healing.

My friends are leaving me out

My friends are leaving me out of everything and they tell me about all the fun they had doing it. My boyfiend also just dumped me so i'm sad.

feeling angry....

There are times when I feel very angry and hostile towards people and it really feels as though the older I get the less patience I have with the world. Back in high school I had an unbelievable amount of rage that unresolved, but had outgrown it or so I thought!!! But now more and more I have a very hard time dealing with it, I continue to pray for the relief and currently am trying to become more involved with my church,but maybe if somebody else could help me pray for some relief in my anger it will help...thank you and God Bless you all!!!

stress from all sides

i am an alcoholic in recovery for 2yrs and 6mos as of this april 20th 2007 and im stressed over some grief ive been given from my sponsor about some musscle relaxers given to me by my doctor (because i have been expierencing lock jaw and charlie horses in my jaw and tingling in my head and face) advsd to only take at night before bed while im asleep because im an alcoholic-but because of the fact they are a narcotic ive been given some grief by people in a.a. even though im taking them as advsd by my doctor and they have helped me tremendously,i no longer feel all the problems ive mentioned above.it stresses me and i feel like ive lost support from people in a.a. which in a.a. thats important to maintain your sobriety,that pill situation along w/prior problems liking my last sponsor dumping me calling me lazy because over the last year ive gotten to where i hardly leave my house not even to go to meetings and not even to go to work ive been diagnosed w/an anxiety disorder ive had panic attacks & paranoia when i go outside every one has abandoned me it is finally just the two of us me & god alone to walk this world my real test is at hand i pray i have the strengh to believe.In a.a. we have this saying faith is like watching a high wire act you see a clown pushing a wheelbarrow across a thin wire from one side of the room to the other faith is not just believing he'll make it from one side to the other its getting in the wheelbarrow and beleiving he'll get you from one side to the other safely. im in the wheelbarrow with brokenness and here we go sy

Marriage betrayal

I have been married for over two years to a man who has been cheating on me for over half my marriage. He refuses to admit it, but I know the truth. The sad thing is that he is in so much denial about things, and I really wish I could help him. I am coming to realize that unless he is open to what God has in store for him, there is really nothing I can do. I sit and wait...and pray that tomorrow will be different, that he will come clean---nothing. I feel as if I am wasting time, but for some reason, I can't seem to walk away. I want to be obedient to God, but I also believe that no one should be treated this way and have to endure so much emotional pain. I remember the sermon from a few months back about prayer...no, slow, grow, and go. I feel as if I am lost somewhere in slow and grow. How will I know what decision to make? Do I stay in a loveless marriage to a man that did not take his vows seriously? Do I miss out on having children because we have no trust? What is the lesson I am supposed to learn? I am trying so hard to rely on faith, but it seems the closer I get to God, the farther apart I am from my husband. I feel completely alone, even though I know that I am not. I don't like to ask anyone for help, because I don't want to be a burden. I really really could use some prayer today.

-M

my son

My son is the light of my life. I am a single mother. I am eather at work or with my son. God gave me the best gift it the world. when I am down he comes up to me and gives me a big kiss on the check. he is very very hyper. he also is strong willed. he has been kick out of two preschools. WHat was I doing wrong. Mt sweey little but was a hethin. Gods little gift is turning out to be the deviles spawn. I took him to theripists. I thought I was loseing my mind. come to thing of it I did. The time he was kicked out of the @nd school. I got on me knees. ( that is what I should of did from the get go) I week later my friend told me her friend at work had a child with the same problem. WE shared our stories. I felt so much better. I was not the only one. My little angle was still a little angle. I just had tofind out what works and what did not. I read and read and read. I found out what worked and what did not. I found out that bread set him off. then I found the best day care around and they work with him. god had answered my prays. I know there are mothers and fathers out there who thing you are all alone. you are not. our kids are angles.

Why?

I sit in my garage on Good Friday, and my neighbor walks up with a paper cup and a piece of paper with typing on it. She says, you must take this cup of mixed dough and follow the instructions on the paper. And she walked off. She was very adament about me following through with this task. Me, being a people pleaser, told her that I would do it, not even knowing what it was I was to do. I read the heading, "The Holy Bread of Padre Pio' (Hemin Bread), and the first paragraph, that described the bread as Hemin, which brings good luck and good will to every family that eats it, and you cannot refuse this bread once it is given to you. My first thought was that I had follow through since I've accepted it. But after the second day of receiving it, I told myself that I wasn't going through with it, because I've never heard of this Padre Pio' and I don't believe in good luck, I believe in blessings from God, so, I threw it down the drain. Well, needless to say, the next day, Easter Sunday, my boyfriend actually flipped out on me for no reason, it was as if satan himself was in my home. His eyes were bulging out of his head, and he was yelling in my face threatening me, and telling me that he had been on death row, and repeating the fact that he was a "man", and pulled his pants and shirt off to show me his bullet shot wounds. I couldn't stop him, he just kept on and on. I was afraid for my life, and I've never seen him act this way. I just tried to ignore him, but yet stay calm and humble. Finally, he wanted to leave and go home. I didn't understand what was happening, and suddenly remembered the bread that I threw away, but just as soon, forgot about it. I can't possibly think this bread has a negative effect on my life just because I threw it out. Then, on Monday morning, I got up to feed my dogs. I let my Rat Terrier outside, and began walking to the pen where I kept my Australian Dingo, Buster. I didn't see Buster, but I did see that the chain Buster was attached to was stretched over the block wall. I could not believe what I saw next. My precious Buster had jumped the block wall and hung himself. Jesus Christ, please help me. What is going on with me? I just lost my husband in 2005, and now, I've lost another friend. What in God's name is happening, and could it be the bread that I threw out? I don't want to believe that it is. Please pray for me.

i feel alone, ashamed and angry

I have 4 children their father who loves me but it enough. It seems as though we are the only poor family in Vegas. I know families have it worse off than us. why can't we do better. I work my butt off and no answer. We pay our bills and yet we have slumlord as a landlord and property owner. My children have differnt fathers. ( I started young) and back with the father of my two oldest daughters. My babay girl (6moths old) has a father who was addicted to pain pills, he abussed me while pregnant and made me homeless because of his addiction. I ask GOD to work with me to get close to him and family. To get over myself and be happy but with every laughter comes a frown RIGHT BEHIND IT. I can't sleep I hardly want to sleep and the more I want GOD the more he seems to run away from me. Where is he? I am tired already and honestly at 28yrs of age I want to quit it all. Please someone pray for me. Did I mention my family of 6 live in a one bedroom. Vegas is a ncie place to live but SO EXPENSIVE.

junkie

i have been on drugs since i was about 13
i have been a depraved addict for a while
allowing my body to be used as a sacrifice to
get high or get means to get high
i have been perverted and a desparate user of
intravaneous drugs
i hid this from my family
i stole
i lied constantly
i manipulated
i prostituted
i stopped
i have been clean for about a month now
i thank god
i thank jesus
for saving me from being a heroin addict
i hurt people in my addiction
i hurt people even when i was unaddicted...way back when i was a child, i was a perverse child
a twisted and sick child, still god loves me
i pray to stay clean now, your only as sick as your secrets right

Afraid of what awaits me

I have a choice to either go back to a place where I love or stay here in Vegas. I'm so afraid that if I go back home I'll fall back into the old habits of bad attitude, stumbling in my walk with God, and past relationships. My first love crushed me so bad it took everything I had to walk away and let God work on that person's heart. I feel that my love for that person won't ever die and that still ties me to the person. Even though I am a new person in Christ have been now for 4 years, I still struggle with this EVERDAY. There is only one other person I've ever met who could possibly make me feel the way I felt about my first love. The sucky part is that I haven't even had the chance to get to know that person, sometimes I think God is keeping me away from men. I know God won't do it for a bad reason but for the best. But I'm losing faith in having someone to be with forever and share of love of God together. I'm just afraid that if I go back I'll settle with something that might not be the best for me. I just pray and wait for God to bless me with the right guy made just for me if that is suppose to happen, otherwise I must admit I so very thankful to have a wonderful relationship with Jesus that I most defintely could never give up.

anger, depression and resentment

I have WALKED OUT on 6 of my last 7 jobs in the last year. I have no patience, I don't tolerate mean people, some bosses need more help than me. I know the common denominator is ME. Why? I have 2 kids and am unemployed! I SO need help. Without work and insurance, it's pretty much next to impossible. My anger is keeping me from happiness and fullfilment (SP?) I was dx with depression about 8 years ago, I am on antidepressants and now fear being unable to get them without work. This will make things worse as I have run out before. My 2 teens are growing so fast and it's hard to get to know them each time they change. I haven't had a relationship in over 5 years. I have gained weight. I owe money on my car. I borrowed against the title to pay rent. I KNOW I have it in me to be who I want to be, but the world and my past have just kept me down and afraid.I have become a crfeature of habit and change is hard and scary.

I continue to struggle with Homosexuality.

I hate it. I don't want to be this way.
I want the wife, the kids, the whole nine yards.
I just can't understand why I can't seem to get rid of this.

drugs

I have hidden the drugs from the family and tried to hide it from god.The only person I was hiding anything from was myself.Afraid to face the consequences,afraid to face the truth,afraid of what the real problem is.Always lieing to myself that I can stay away from it all even though friends are still involved is another lie I was telling myself.I know the truth and I need the truth.I am not alone in this.I am just afraid to see who is there watching .

Dr. Pepper

I don't know if this counts as "junk" or not, but I am addicted to Dr. Pepper. I drink it as a beverage, dessert, wake-up, and stress reliever. I know it isn't good for me, though my doctors say one a day is fine, but one a day seems like so little ... is this what any other addiction is like? Wanting to drink just one, but not having the self control to stop at one? Wasn't there a brand of chips that had an ad campaign a while back saying "You can't eat just one"? That's me. My mom keeps telling me that carbonation causes osteoporosis, and I know what all the sugar's good for every time I put on a pair of jeans that used to fit ... God, if you can give David the willpower to pop Goliath in the head with a rock, blind Paul temporarily to get him to wake up and acknowledge you, speak through a donkey, and cause the sun to stand still in the sky for a day, surely you can keep me from cracking a can of soda. Would you?

addicted to gambling

I have a serious gambling problem. It is my stress relief and my escape. In the past couple of years, it has become completely insane. I have lost $363,000 in 2005, $237,000 in 2006 & ytd $145,000 for a total of $745,000! It has actually caused me more stress than a relief from stress. I find myself going to play because I need the money, but if I just wouldn't have gone, I'd have the money. I have won $100,000 in a day and mentally I just keep thinking that it can happen again, but the reality is that I can NEVER get it back. I have no complaints about my life as I am very blessed, but I have this huge, very loving, but very drama family which turns to me for everything because I am financially successful or so they think. I blame only myself for my actions & today is the day that I am DONE! I thank the Lord for his son Jesus and for the many blessings in my life. I pray that he gives me the strength I need to NEVER gamble again! I ask for forgiveness for my sins and that he would rid my mind from this horribly addicting habit! I love you Lord and I put my trust and my faith in you!

FEEL ALL ALONE

i HAVE POSTED TWICE AND THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ANY RESPONSE OF PRAYER OR ENCOURAGEMENT. I am wanting to hear from someone,anyone..... I pray all the time to God,yet ir seems so silent in my life right now...

MISTAKEN BUT FORGIVEN

I REALLY THOUGHT FOR YEARS I KNEW THE DIFFERENCE THEREOF. aND EVEN ATTEMPTING TO DO EVERYTHING RIGHT. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO WRONG. i BELIVE THE ONLY THING I CONTINUED TO DO RIGHT WAS TO GO TO CHURCH, TITHE, READMY BIBLE, AND STAY CONNECTED TO EVENTS THE CHURCH WAS HAVING. I HAVE GROWN OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE, AND I AM NOT THE PERSON MY SPOUSE WANTS MARRIED. THE STUFF I THOUGHT WAS ACCEPTABLE ONCE, IS DOWN RIGHT WRONG IN GODS EYES AND PERONAALY SPEAKING I HAVE FORGIVIN HIM FOR EVERYTHING, BUT I AM SO OVER HIM, THAT THERE ISN'T EVEN ANY FEELING THERE. TRUTHFULLY SOMEONE THAT WHEN THEY CALL, OR I TALK WITH THEM MY HEART LITES UP. BUT THE FLAME IS OUT, AND I DON'T FELL QUILTY. i HAVE OFTEN ASKED MYSELF, DOES HE LOVE ME, BECUASE HE LOVES ME, OR IS IT JUST BECAUSE HE IS MAKING A PROFIT FROM OUR MARRIADGE.I HAVE BEEN QUILTY AS CHARGED FOR THIS ALSO. SOMETIMES I THINK THATS WHAT WE BOTH ARE IN IT FOR. I KNOW GOD WANTS US ALL TO HAVE GOOD THINGS, ITS JUST I BELIVE THAT, THATS MAYBE WHAT IT HAS COME TO. gOD DOES ENJOY BLESSING ME INMSYERIOUS WAYS. sO MAYBE I JUST NEED TO BE THANKFUL FOR HIM RESTORING BACK TO ME LITTLE BY LITTLE WHAT THE LOCUSTS DEVOURED. AND COUNT MY BLESSING! WHAT MY PRAYER IS THAT GOD WILL REARRANGE THE SCRPIT SO WE BOTH CAN LIVE IN UTMOST HAPPINESS. AND THE WAY HE CHOOSES TO LIVE HIS LIFE WILL NO LONGER CONFLICT WITH MINE. OR GET A CHANGE OF HEART ABOUT HOW THINGS ARE FOR ME AND MY HOUSE. GOD IS IN CONTROL.THE HOLY SPIRIT IS AT MOVE ALL OVER THE IN THE UNIVERSRE AND IN PEOPLE SOULS AND HEARTS. I HAVE PRAYERS THAT PEOPLE ARE IN AGREEMENT WITH ME ABOUT. AND I WILL KEEP PRAISING HIM DAILY. THANKS FOR ALLOWING US THE FREEDOM TO AIR, OUT WHAT NEEDS TO BE PUT INTO THE LIGHT. SO JESUS CAN MAKE IT RIGHT. THANK YOU GOD!!!AMEN

oye

im confused.
i know that my boyfriend loves me or so he says.
he doesnt really except me for me.
thats obviously a problem.
if he loves me he should accept and not want to change me right?
hes basically everything i want but i for some reason feel like im settling.
i dont want to feel that way.
advise would be nice.
thank you.

God's Divinity

I have been a member of my church for 3 years now and I have not turned from the LORD on this Life long journey and I just wanted to say the LORD does bring his devine intervention. I had applied for a job in two different law enforcement departments at the same time last year. At the time I thought my biggest dilema was going to be which department I would decide to work for. Well I had passed both physical fitness exams processing for both departments but there was something interesting that happened. While completing my PFT for one department I recognized a familiar face that I had seen around church many times on the stage doing different acting skits and video dramatizations. I walked up to this man and introduced myself and found out his name. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this man who I had seen on the stage countless times was a police officer and what was even more astounding is that he was there on the day of my PFT. I always say the LORD will put you where you need to be and when I saw him I believed it would be that department. Well some 6 months had passed and I new I was on the waiting list and I was contimplating going back to work for the federal government and started the processing which would mean I would have to leave Vegas and my church which I really didn't want to do. I had attended services this past weekend and while there the man I had met crossed my mind and I didn't know why I hadn't seen him let alone talk to him since that day months ago at my PFT. When I got home I prayed to the LORD to allow me to stay in Vegas and with my church and to give me a sign. Well today I went to the mail box and pulled out the mail I noticed a letter from the city in the stack and thought "man that's 1 big water bill." Now everything from the city comes in the same type envelope with the city logo on it regardless of what agency its from. Now as I opened the envelope inside was a conditional offer letter of employment with the department, I was so blown away. Now granted it isn't the end all be all but man it was some of the best news I had had in the past 6 months. I still have to pass all the other official background stuff but wether I pass or not I knew the LORD was moving and his Divinity is always moving in our lives even though we can't see it. I only pray that Vegas is where the LORD truly believes I can serve HIM and my community best.

backslider

I grew up in "The Church", and I know all of the things I've done in the past 5 years have been...the worst I've ever done in my life.

I've had affairs, ended up divorced, drank until I blacked out, had an abortion, had a child out of wedlock, abandoned Christianity for Wicca, totally walked away from God ON PURPOSE, and am now living with my fiance.

I think I have broken every commandment that God gave us, and I don't know how to get back to where I used to be. I KNEW better, when I was doing those things, and I still know better.

Please pray for me, if you see this, that I find my way back home. I had someone pray for me a month ago, and I felt God's touch for the first time in a LONG time, and it was amazing. I want to go home. I want to raise my children in a christian home.

WANDERING IN THE WILDERNESS

Hello,
I have been serving in ministry & leadership for 25+ years, as my prayer partner & I have daily prayed PHIL. 4:4. AS i have had many trials & testing within the last year of my life. I have read Job & focused on trials & know everything that is occuring in my life is making me more broken to be we Jesus wants me to be.
As i continue to "Be Still & wait upon the Lord." I am seeking fellow Christians to share & encourage me as to where God may have a place, position or purpose for my life to follow HIS WILL. I feel as though i'm here, yet searching for a direction, sign or path to follow. I would graciously appreciate anyones opinion, encouragement or a prayer to share with me as I am seeking to follow God's will for my life...

Blessings,

did i do it again?

one bad marriage to another and i thought it would be different this time. i thought i married a man of God, but as it turns out, his idols are more important. i'm thinking of leaving and i know it's not a solution God would want me to make. i don't know how much longer i can live this way. it's very abusive and i'm supposed to bear and grin it. "it's all good" as the lie goes. deep down, i know God has plan. maybe this is the beginning of seperate lives for us. maybe that's what he really wants. afterall, he waited until after marriage to show me this side of him.

HURTING SEEKING SOMEONE TO CONNECT WITH

Dear Uncensored Grace,

I feel as though the dump your junk is an awesome idea, for all of us seeking to let go off of hurts & sometimes painful circumstances & situations of this life. Yet inside i believe many of our community whom are posting are seeking encouragement or an anonymous prayer response from another person after we post. As i review everyones postings, i see many persons concerns have no encouragement or prayer responses. I know as i cry out to Jesus and place my prayers, hurts,concerns at His feet, i know he is listening. Yet i believe to share our deepest stuff, each of us on the inside are yearning to share a response or concern from another person, anonymously, yet to feel a connection that someone is sharing our pain, prayers & concerns. I do know if there is a way that we as a church community can provide to all the hurting souls that share & post here on uncernsored grace ? But I pray to whom recieve this posting that , I feel as though many or most of the people are seeking to hear or correspond that there is another out there in our church family whom care & are there to connect and talk with...

In His Grace,

i dont know anymore

well lets see where to start.
i live with my dad and my grandma.
my dad acts like i dont exsist.
my grandma and me fight all the time.
i have an amazing boyfriend.
he loves me and i know it.
but the past two weeks hes been grounded.
hes my only friend that wants to keep me out of trouble.
the past two weeks ive cut myself again started smoking weed and ciggs again and cocain.
im so lost and i need God.
my boyfriend gets off grounding tomorrow.
im hoping everything gets better.
but i dont know.
because me and my friend are picking up a 60 of cocain before we go to her church on wednesday for our friends going away party and im guessing im gonna be really happy and talkaive the whole time.
Help.
im only 17 years old and ive already been down the drug road once.

Drugs and Smoking

the past week i have fallin so far back into sin.
sin i thought i had over come.
ive been smoking weed, ciggarets and doing cocaine.
i dont know what to do.
i have an amazing christian boyfriend who loves me dearly and doesnt know one thing ive done this week.
my 2 best friends are my down fall and i dont want to have to let them go.
i always think i can help when in reality im the one who falls.

Debt

I feel as if I am living a lie. I am in so much debt now and it is catching up to me fast. No one has any idea that I am in any kind of trouble and that I am so ashamed of the situation I am in. I feel I am at the end of my rope. I have realized the rode I have traveled partying, drugs, laziness have got me here.

I surrender to God and pray that he will help me and lead me to better days by following him.

Past Regrets

Well I am sure that many can relate to having past regrets, they are things that seem to haught the even most seemingly together person. I am writing to let mine out. I regret not saving myself for marriage, I didn't see a problem with having sex outside the safe confines of marriage. I ended up becoming pregnant at 19 and have had a trying life ever since. It is not about my daughter being the problem but I was not able to finish college, experience being young, and now I am struggling to provide a life for us. I wish I had known better so when the time came to have a family I would have been ready.

agoraphobic! i think?

I really need help i am a 32 yr old women with 3 kids and i stay in a meaningless relationship because i am too afraid to be by myself. im not talking relationship wise, but im talkin literally afraid to be by myself! when my boyfriend leaves for work i immediatly get this uneasy feeling and then my throat starts to feel like its closing and im just a mess from there! i sit and wonder if i should run to the hospital or what!

i know ur probly thinking i shiould get counseling or something, but i have tried all the above and dont get me wrong i do know that it is in my head and that it is all part of the way i think and that is the scariest thing to know because i feel that i can not and dont think i ever will be able to control my thoughts.
im not tryin to be negative, belive me i do try to stay positive cause i know that is a great tool for getting over agoraphobia anxiety and panic attacks.

i have not been this way all my life, it started out of the blue with panic atacks in 2001, i was so conveinced something was wrong with my heart. i went to er after er and never once did a dr tell me i was having panic or anxiety attacks, i figured it out on my own a few years later. i did not grow up with a father and i ended up with a boyfriend who does not give any kind of emotional support ( huggs kisses or holdin hands) so i think that my constant stress of does he love me or does he not, took over my life. i am still with this person but he is still the same (no emotional support at all). and to be honest i use to be a very strong woman, and now i just look strong on the outside and on the inside i am constantly trying to survive.

when i first started attending my church i could only go by myself without kids and sit in the back row. throughout the whole service i would be in fear that i was getting lightheaded and i would faint or my heart would stop and their are no hospitals close by etc... that was last april.
and now beacause i found a friend to come with me i have been able to take my children and attend every service since december and even complete my church's membership class.

but my issue is i want to live in peace and not depend on others in order to complete things like taking my kids to the park or to the movies or to church without having another adult by my side ( in fear i might pass out or my heart will stop and no one is there to take care of my kids at that moment). i am a grown woman and i desperately want to do things in peace and not fear.

no one really knows of my struggle with this, i think they sometimes think i am a lil weird. but otherwise i keep it together pretty well and stay strong on the outside, when im just in a million lil pieces on the inside screaming SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME HELP HELP HELP.
i do pray, maybe not as much as i should but i do pray and then i feel like im being selfish or beggin because my prayers are always about gettin over this COMPLEATLY! i am a very giving person and help others often. and i do carry guilt because i feel that having this issue takes away from the things me and my kids could enjoy. and taking that from my kids makes me feel like it is an all about me situation. if somene has gone thru somthing like this and has fully recovered, PLEASE HELP. thank u.

The Lords work

Iam a member of a small group at my church. These woman do the work of the Lord for people that have cancer and another types of illness. When I came to this qroup I didn't have a clue how to make a Quilt and I didn't have any Idea how much we would pray for these people that receive our quilts, people we don't even know from all around the world. With that said let me tell you my story I moved here just a little over a year ago from an Airzona and I started to play slots there and when I moved here to Vegas it just continued now my story is a different than most I am not going to lose my home or anything that goes with gambling. yes it has taken a lot of money that was to be our saving and yesterday my husband and I went gambling all day from 10am to 10pm and after I truly believe God touched my heart and give me some freedom from this. You see On our quilts we write the word of God so we can wrap the word around them in their pain, that's want I do and I also make the caring cards that go with each quilt. I then looked at my husband and said," I need to go home and do the lords work." and that has just stayed with me I can't get it out of my head. The freedom from writing the word of God and making these caring cards is what I should have been doing yesterday not gambling. This is true Grace sometimes we just have to be silent then we may hear the whisper of God.The Lord works never stops, why should we stop doing our part for him!
May God bless you and keep you today and always.

Loneliness...

For so long, and still kinda today I have had this sense of loneliness. I don't have very many friends and the ones I did have seemed to have stabbed me right in the back or have left to another state. And well I have a beautiful daughter who I just absoulutly LOVE playing with and being with, but sometimes I need that adult interaction. Ok, so I get the "adult" interaction at work, but mainly it's strictly work and i find myself at the end of the busy day when i am ready to wind down and I come home either exaughsted or maybe just want someone to tell my day to and the one person that I want to tell it to... "my boyfriend" is either gone or we just don't talk. and when i go home alone, it's well... lonely. and I'll make dinner for me and that's it. Sometimes I sit at the table and cry and think back at how when I was a kid, how family dinner was always the most important part of the evening. And I cried somemore because eating alone didn't have that family feeling. Another part of my lonliness is mom and dad leaving to another state. I know they did what was best for them, but for sooooo long I always knew I can go to my parents house that was just around the corner. and being away from them can get lonely. So now I want to reach out to God to ask for his help to give me the strength, the courage to go out there and meet people who I can have "adult time" with. And to ask Lord to be with me in this lonely time that I am in. cause I know that I am not completly alone.

Lust

I lust for women too much. I can't seem to keep my mind pure. I have a beautiful wife and love her so much. I would never physically cheat on my wife. But I feel I do cheat with my mind in God's eyes. I want to stop. Help me Jesus.

Adultery

This morning I found out that my husband of nearly seventeen years is chatting with chinese women and having internet sex with them using a camera. I found out he is doing it with many women and bought a calling card to call them.
Wow, I never thought this would happen to us! It was always a story of someone else's life. I know we have to go through bad things even as a christian and I have been praying to GOD all day long that this can not be happening to me. Why me? But why not...maybe I am suppose to go through this terrible ordeal to help others. Unfortunately, the marriage will not be able to be repaired but I will survive and the future will be better with GOD. I know it will.

God Bless

My ex-girlfriend "L" lied to me so much. We eventually split up over it. She was honest in the beginning of our courtship when she moved here. She started lying more and more over time. First it was about small things, then money and then other men. It seemed as if she lied just so she can do it. After she moved here on a whim, I moved her into my home shortly thereafter. She was ready to be evicted from her apartment and she has two daughters with nowhere to go. I could not see her in this position. I knew it was quick, however she accepted. After that I asked her hand in marriage. I fell hard and fast for her. later on she became mean and agry of many things. I feel she accepted my ring as a "token" to make things smooth for herself. I found out she took it off at work, and then put it on when she came home. The signs were happening that this was wrong. She then allowed her daughter to be disrespectful to me, she wanted me to pay for most expenses while she shoppped with her minimal amount of money she made. She wanted more and more, and gave less and less to the relationship. She bacame resentful and emotionally shut down. She did not even like the notes, flowers and poems I gave her. Rather than be honest with me, she strung me along until she got a large check in February, and then walked out on me with many bills that I had incuured from her. Most of all a heft car payment. I knew it was wrong and lost hope. I now know she was seeing a co-worker/client which I suspected. She lies to this day and her children are paying the price for it dearly. Her and her children have moved again. Three times in less than a year. They want to move home where all thier friends are, however she chooses to stay here and live for herself and her selfishness. Her daughtes have expressed this several times. When I told her about it, she thought I was making the kids say those things. She is very confused and we eventually broke up a month ago. She made it nasty when it never needed to be that way. She ended all her relationship with hurt and anger. Now my neighbors look at me differently because of the lies she told them as well. I pray I am able to keep my head up high and know what she did was wrong. I am a kind, caring and decent man who wanted to be in love and help her. We went to counseling and that never helped because she refused to accept what she was told as a problem. She has since gone through a small group. May God Bless "L" and her daughters and I pray she continues to attend church where we started together. I will always love her and my prayers for her wellness and the children will be often.

Confused

im dealing with alot right now with people,life and my family new begginnings old stuff in my past letting my ex-boyfriend go not knowing what im holding on to..with him weve been threw so much and it keeps getting worse between us i just want to keep being with him whats holding me back why cant i let go what am i holding on to just more hurt........i m confused about alot alot in my life and it seems like it gets more confusing for me and my kids God please direct us in the right way

Work

I keep losing my job and I am on time I work some of my breaks, I try real hard, and I still lose my job. It's not working out. Please Lord help me figure what it is that I need to know so I can find one job.

Smoking

This is the issue I have dealt with on and off. I quit or cut down only to start again.
God has removed so much junk from my life since June of 06.... why am I still struggling with this habit?
I don't like the smell and most of the time I don't like the taste....

Afraid

I look confident and talented on the outside but I am terrified most of the time. I'm afraid of failing. Afraid of disappointing others. It drives me to work too much and do too much. No matter how much I do there is always more. I am terrified, but you would never know it.

Spiders!!!!!

I have a phobia of spiders. Although i think this fear is all in my head. My phobia started when my friend told me i was afraid of spiders. I just can't control my fear whenever I see a spider it feels as if my heart is being ripped out from my body. I know that with therapy god will help me through this horrible disease.
-I.M.

Homewrecker!

I've been having an affair with a married man for the last year. While I have never had feelings like this for anyone, I know that it is blatantly wrong. I struggle between hoping he'll leave her for me...and the pain of what God must think of the mess I've made. Most of the time, I merely disregard the reality of what we are doing. I ignore the pain his wife would feel...and the disrespect I am showing myself. I don't know how to break away. I feel so good when we are together. How can something that feels so right...be so very wrong?? What if he leaves her and wants to be with me? Should I even allow that option? What am I doing??????

I never wanted him to give up

He was an amazing guy, a wonderful friend and a great boyfriend, but I knew things wouldn't last unless he allowed God to be the center of his life. At the time I didn't truly know why I broke up with him, but the more I prayed about it, the more it was real to me that it was for the better and that God knew what he was doing. He is now dating someone new, and from what I hear they're extremely happy...I wish I could say I'm happy for him...but I know I'm not. I wish him the best and I pray for him everyday, for his safety and for his personal growth. I'm happy with another man, one that I've been friends for a very long time and admire as a spiritual leader. But the truth is that I miss him terribly, i wonder what his life is like now, and I can't forget the 2 years we had together. He seemed to have move on so fast, to forget me so easily, and sometimes I wish i could do the same, but I can't. I still love him, and I've tried everything to make the feelings go away. It's in the Lord's hands, and I'm letting time take it's course. i still hold on to the hope that one day he'll become the man God created him to be, that he'll come back and fight for me, but I've understood that there's certain hopes that will be dreams, and only dreams. It's not fair for the man I'm with now, and that's why I have to keep it inside, hopefully the feelings will just disappear.

Did the Lord make a broken Soul

I'm a 30 year guy who has been struggling and whome has been at a spirtual war since I was a small child. There are days where I feel so free with the lord and there are other days where I feel like I'm betraying my king. I went to a christian private school did not cuss until I was 19 years old lost my virginity at the age of 22. had a strong faith in our god. and I'm sure your thinking what could be so wrong in his life right! Iam not proud to mention Iam ashamed to say or write it, but Im gay and I hate it! I go to church I read my bible day to day and overall I feel like such a waste, I honestly think the lord made a broken person that should have been thrown away a very long time ago. I have hurt my family, some friends and especialy the lord. I try I pray and have been praying for 30years and this doesnt go away why I ask, and I know you are never to ask the lord why. I have no other reasons nor anymore prayers. maybe Im prayng wrong I say I even tried praying on a clear and sunny day, just maybe before the clouds could have gottten in the way the last time. I just dont know anymore. I do love the lord and I do want to live in the kingdom with him. there are alot of mean people in this world. the hardest thing is when those mean people are people who have taken care of you and protected you growing up in this crazy world we live in today!

seeing things differently

ok so i usually see guys as just being here for sex and i havent had a good relationship that wasnt sexual in my life yet,and i made that abstinance till marriage pledge when i was in 9th grade but i can't seeem to stick to my beliefs when guys pressure me.So i dont know what to do cuz i've already done everything possible so how do i turn back around to staying pure till i get married?i just dont know...

I cheated...

I cheated on my boyfriend of three years. I slept with another man. I was just so angry at him and needed so much more out of him then he was giving. And I hate myself for it now. And he says that he doesn't hate me, but I am sure that a part of him must. He's left me, which I understand why. But I am so regretful and I still love him so much. This was four months ago that we split.

Am I Doing the Right Thing

My husband is an acoholic and has cheated on me
several times. His compulsive spending contributed to loosing our house. He inherited a large sum of money and left with another woman, then returned when the money was gone and woman didn't want him anymore. He's been back 2 years and I only let him back in because we have 2 children and I can make sure they are safe and have what they need. He can be verbally abusive so when we were separated and he had the kids 2 days a week there was no one there to protect them or make sure he wasn't drinking and driving with them. Now it seems like he's trying but after spending a month in rehab he is still drinking. I don't know if I am doing the right thing by staying. I constantly stand up for my daughters if he verbally abuses them and I am honest that a man should not treat us the way he treats us. To make it more confusing, sometimes he is really nice and caring. Emotionally I am not in this marriage. We have not been intimate with one another for 6 years. It has been very lonely with no hope of ever being close to anyone in that way again. He doesn't really do a lot with my daughters and me. My biggest fear is that when they grow up they will seek out a man who is just like their father and I do not want them to live the way like I live. He is a narcissis. I don't know if it is right to stay in a marriage for the convenience of taking care of the kids. I love my daughters more then anything, and I know he loves them too, but he is dealing with his own demons. I am ready the next time he finds another woman. Then I know he will agree to any terms concerning the girls without
freaking out. He is one that cannot be alone. He always needs a woman to go to. I feel I am in this alone, and I feel so alone and guilty for choosing a man like this to be the father of my children. When we met he acted like he had the same goals and values that I did. I was so blind and now my daughters are paying for my stupidity. Please pray for my daughters. They are such wonderful children.

Wandering the wilderness, again.

The love of my life and I sort of reconciled after a 3 month absence from each other, prior to relocating to Las Vegas and joining the church.We had been together almost 4 years and I never once doubted her; I always thought we would be together forever....I still can't imagine life without her. I relocated here, joined the church and started my spiritual journey through baptism. Unfortunately, I received a DUI 6 weeks ago which caused major trust issues with her after (I thought) a beautiful fresh start.
This evening, I was told she no longer has the same feelings towards me and we ended our relationship. I love this woman dearly and would be proud to be her husband; I have asked several times to join our lives. Everything else is going well, great job, recreational time, a charitable organizatoion I adore and am active in as well as a church that I am totally commited to. Now I'll be doing it without my dear friend, confidante and lover. I'll now be walking through the wilderness without her with me; I hurt so bad.
I'm getting really honest about the part alcohol has played; I can only make the positive changes through God's grace. Problem is; I'm not worthy of His help and I screw up every blessing He gives me. I hurt bad; I want to let it all go but at the same time I don't want to do the bargaining thing with either God or her. I want it to be real and something I do because I know I need to; I'm on the verge but scared of the consequences of her leaving me. I'm scared of facing the pain of a lost loved one. Please help....

I married a liar

I married an unbeliever when I was in a weak spiritual state after going through a rough trial in my life. Now I found out he has not been 100% honest about the messes in his life and he lies about other stuff by minimizing things, denial or by omission. I am miserable because I made a stupid decision to marry this person. I am old enough to know better. Now he says he is saved but I think he is lying about that, too just to keep me on the hook because he is such a great manipulator.

forever forgiven

many years ago i was in the depths of alcohol drugs. Alcohol being more. I cannot say however that drugs were not a problem. That I ask daily total release and freedom from. personally however i must say the things i did when under the influence were anything but moral. And i ended up having 2 abortions. this was so long ago. Isn't it amazing. how the dark side of life, had me believing a lie then. I have cleansed the slate and gotton forgiven from Jesus. If He could forgive a prositute, He was able to forgive me. We don't knopw the whole story of the prositute. But i sure there were many things that Chrsit said then that means as much today. let us come to HIM, that are sins can be cleansed and washed by the bBlood Coveanant of Jesus. Some people say in there walk in life, they wouldn't change a thing. Yet in this new Path of Truth we get to continue to change. Knowing today what God says about things , makes a world of difference. I do believe that not having a mom & dad around to give me the love and attention i really needed. hurt alot. and i did some dumb things to even get love, that now God says child, your worth alot in my eyes. let him who has not sin, cast the first stone. maybe one day will all get better at that also. There have been many parants that were never there for their kids. And there are many parants that God only knows, kids need not follow in the footsteps. Respect them yes. May we all come to the front line and ask for forgiviness when needed, and ask for repentence, pardon and mercy. For when the light comes on, will all be glad we did.WHY, so we can return to LOVE. Thank you,Your LOVE endures forever. as many times as i fall, you seem to find a way, when i have no more fight in me. and that is amazing GRACE!

What does true freedom feel like?

I'm so tired of struggling. I hate dealing with finances, I don't even know where my tax forms are right now. I lost my job over a week ago and am down to my very last $20.00. How will I pay my car payment, insurance, rent, groceries, license for work, ect. All I have is God! I know HE is all I need, but it's still scary to me. Maybe the lesson here is worry less, trust more. I'm working so hard at breaking a serious habit and I know if I can just get to the other side, I will finally be FREE. Oh what a day that will be.I'm full of fear because I've never experienced true freedom before. What will it feel like? At least I know what fear feels like and it's familiar even though I don't like it.
It's only 6pm right now and I'm afraid of night time and going to sleep. I'm alone and scared. I hate the person I've become. And then I think, who am I to actually hate myself when God created me. He made me. He chose me. He loves me. Who do I think I am to hate anyone or anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to scream until I have no voice left.

ADDICTED TO:

DRUGS.
I have been addicted for 10 years now,i started experimenting with different drugs when i was 14 and now i can't seem to stop no matter how hard i try,and my friends don't help with the situation either.

I am also addicted to sex.
i look at pornography and i know that it's a sin but i just can't stop doing it...i don't know what to do.I'm lost,and i don't want to be anymore,I want to be free from my addictions but i need lots of prayer...

i don't want to live like this any longer...

Ok so i am a 27 yr. old man who was sexually abused by my father when i was 7 and it has really hurt my life in tremendous ways, i can't ever see myself having a loving strong relationship with any woman or ever getting married, which i really want to do. Because of what my father did to me for so long i can't sleep some nights and i get really angery for no reason and i can't live like this anymore...I WANT TO BE FREE FROM THIS pain and anger and resentment towards my father.So will you guys pray that i would forgive my father and move on so i can have a better relationship with my Savior,Lord Jesus Christ.

sbgyrdfguiydrugs

i like to have fun with my friends.
but most the time my friends are either drinking or smoking
sometimes i like to doo that stuff but other times im just like ugh
and peer pressure sucks like if you dont wanna do that stuff then u cant hang out with the people that do..like i have a lot of cool friends whoo do that but now that i dont do it any more,......i cant hang out with them....i want this feeling of doubt and guilt to go away
i want to be free of wondering what if.
i want to know that i dont wanna do that anymore
!!

mad at mom

well when i was younger my mom really messed my credit up i cant seem to get out of debit now and shes still trying to mess up my life and it seemes like she dosent care! i cant even get a car my credit is so bad i was always there for mom my and still it seems like i dont do anything right in her eyes and when shes been drinking she talks a lot of mess to me i give up i feel like i will never recover from my heavy heart about this subject i pray o it every day yet the next day it is something new she does not even like my spouseshe dogs him out for the mistakes hes made in hes life as if she is perfect dear god i nedd answers are hhelp i should say i forgive her but i heart!!!

abuse

i was being abused for almost a year by a family memeber...

anger at my boyfriend....

he told me outright that he liked me.
I liked him back, so we started dating.
after a few months, I trusted him completely
and told him stuff that
I have told no one else.
We also almost had sex,
because he wouldn't stop pressuring me to.
As soon as I refused hooking
up with him,
he broke up with me by screaming at me and calling me a b****, a slut, and an a**hole in front of half my school. He started rumors
that I had slept with him
and a few other guys,
which most of the school believed.
It's basically been hell since then.
I've lost all of my friends to these lies,
and there's been graffiti
on the school against me,
putting me on the top ten 'slut list.'

That was last year, and I just
haven't gotten over it.

I'm Bipolar... just diagnosed 3 weeks ago

so it's official i'm crazy ha ha it's pretty scary to hear it officially from my doctor but all the things I've been going through such as the really high moods to the really low moods to crazy thoughts that I can't even mention to hearing things, to seing things to the nightmares , to the fear I feel everyday how could I think this was normal is it because of the world we live in? I'm not one to take medicine due to my mom who was addicited to pain pills all of my childhood but who is now clean through the grace of God my mom is the one who has helped me through this how ironic I am on medicine and prayer and feel God is carrying me through this and now I only see 1 set of footprints God Bless You All I love you Amen!

sexual temptations

I'm sick and tired of being seen as a hook-up. I want to have true friendships and if a guy likes me I want him to like ME. not what I look like, but who I am inside

scared

I am scared of letting people love me.
I am scared that I will never measure up.
I want to fully trust in God, but there are times when I face doubt.
I may seem to have the answers, but that is so far from the truth.
I am struggling with everything, and I think it is all fear that is holding me back.
No one knows all of me, the real me, because I am scared.

God, please let me hear you! Teach me how to listen so that you can transform me and create a passion in me that will make me whole.

I refuse to accept forgivness.....

I know the deal. Christ died for me. He forgives me & there is nothing I can ever do to earn it....it's a gift. Grace. I know it, I believe it, but for everyone else, not me. I walk around everyday feeling so bad about the things I did. A drug addict for 12 years (clean for 12 now) sexually promiscuous to a ridiculous degree for many, many years.....just not a good girl at all. I was a liar... a terrible liar..(actually I was very good at it)....a theif. Now here I am & everyone forgives me except me. I can't seem to accept that grace that's been given to me & I can't really figure out why....What? God's grace isn't good enough for me or something? A lack of faith maybe? Am I limiting God? These are all rhetorical questions. I am working out my own salvation with fear & trembling yadda...I just wish I could pull my head out of my butt & accept what is right there in front of me. I don't feel like I deserve good things. I can never deserve it & evidently, I am not smart enough to stop trying.

Lost

I dont know where i belong in this world.I dont know where to go and what to do to get rid of this feeling. I feel like i have no one that i can turn to here in vegas.my support and love and life is elsewhere. I am 24 and i live with my family and have never felt so out of place.I feel like i cannot be myself here and that they do not understand me or even try to. I have a pretty good life and i feel guilty when at times i wish and pray to be taken away from this world. Sometimes i feel it would be easier to be dead. I am grateful for everything that i do have but i am not happy.

My happiness is in another state and with different people.these people understand me and encourage me to be a better person and to always push for more. they encourage me to grow in my faith as opposed to my family who dislikes my faith.everyday is a constant fight with my parents and i pray every night for them to just look and see the changes that i have made since believing in God.

i want to move out of this fake town. most of all i want to be with my special someone and he does not live here. whenever i visit him i feel so at home in his home but i come back here and i feel like a lost little puppy.i have a couple more years of school until im done but i get so disouraged along the way and sometimes i fall back.Its hard to stay encouraged when my support system is not here. i do have strong faith but sometimes for me that is just not enough.

In need of saving grace

I owe family members money from real estate deals and can't pay them back right now and I feel awful. I've been praying for things to change and still looking for the lord's answer.

When I first moved to Vegas about six years ago I was doing well and acted like it by spending money on drugs, excess alcohol, stripclubs, and everything else that happens in sin city. I always felt empty after the high and the one night stands but continued because of low self esteem.

I got help from psychologist and now feel better especially since I've met someone who has introduced me to a church here and she has become a very special person in my life.

The only thing now is that she has her personal struggles and we're not together anymore but I pray that once she get's better we can make it together.

I have faith in the Lord and will always love him and my friend for saving me from a life of misery and destruction.

addictions

I am a single woman with many additions. I am trying so hard to break these additions and I can not do it alone. I need God's help. I need God's grace. I need God to drive my life and lead me in the way I should go because the way I have been going certainly hasnt done me any good. I need God in my life. I need help. Dear Lord please take my additions away and just show me the way you want me to go. Amen

love not

I dont love my husband anymore

Everything sucks.

But everyday, I have to pretend it doesn't.

addictions, resentments denial

First, I thank God for relieving me of numerious addictions...alcohol, cigerettes, gamboling-pretty much every destructive behavior. I've been sober for 8 years now, only by the grace of God. cigs--it's been 4 years this month. The gamboling, working each day thru my first year. It's like a waterbed...God relieves me of the obssesion, and another one crops up in it's place. I'm asking God to help me overcome eating-overeating and eating poorly--and the sugar is quickly getting out of control. God, please ensure that I'm not in denial over any issues-that I don't stuff my emotions - I want to clean out all the muck in my heart. Please God, help me to be your humble servant-to be your vessel here to help others. I so love you! Help me always to remember what it was like without you in my life-and how painful the journey is when I vere off the path and try to go it alone.

Wrong Choice

I moved into the wrong house back in 1992. I rented a room in this house. I believe I was someone else's victim regarding voyerism. I believe the owner of the house was filming me for a four month time period. I believe he does have evidence of wrong things that I did privately. I believe he spread this video of me all over the place. I have feared this and worried about this for over 14 years now. Is it true? Did I imagine this?
I believe it is true. Some coworkers of mine; I overheard them talking and they said they felt sorry for me. I believe they saw this evidence of voyerism.
My opinion is, of the owner of that house: he is an attempted murderer. He tried to murder me by ruining my reputation by spreading this video. I have thought of suicide too. It's a chance to run away forever from wrong doings and sin from the past. I know it would be the absolutely wrong decision but I do get tempted with it.
Couldnt he be charged with an accessory to murder if someone killed me over this? I did try to tell what happened to one person years ago but that person didnt believe me. I never got to share this fear with anyone else until now.

Now I have MS.....Nice

I have Multiple Sclerosis. Nice. I've been saying that everyday for the last 6 months. I went to sleep one night and woke up to a world of memory loss, confusion, leaking bladder, tingling feet and fatigue like I've never felt. Little did I know it was literally all in my head, brain freeze I call it. Its not enough that I'm not pretty or funny or brilliant and boyfriendless. What man is going to date a woman who walks weird ya know. Well, being single can be a blessing or so my Pastor says. So my question is Why? Why me God? I've been a good servant, I've never intentionally hurt anyone, I've made mistakes but I've lived a good life. I'm a single Mom and I'm not done raising my kids or helping my Mom. So why was this gift bestowed upon me? I haven't figured that out yet. I know that sounds like self pity but I don't pity myself and I don't allow anyone else to either. My friends and my church family have been great and I've never felt so much love in all of my life. And I learned how awesome the power of prayer really is. I know that I am blessed that I can walk without assistance and that I can work and drive and that my eyes can still see. So why am I crying?

EMOTIONAL HEALING

I HAVE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH IN THE LAST YEARS. IT WAS AS IF THE PERSON WHO CLAIMED TO LOVE ME. DID EVERYTHING THAT OPPOSED AND CONFLICTED WITH THE WAY GOD SAID IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR HIM TO DO. AND NOW, I HAVEN'T GOT ANY DISERE FOR US TO WORK OUT. mANY PEOPLE THOUGHT IT WAS ME, BUT IF THEY ONLY NEW WHAT HAD HAPPENED BEHIND CLOSED DOORS THEY WOULD UNDERSTAND WHY I HAD A AWEFULNESS ABOUT THIS GUY. THEY SAY HURTING PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE, YET SOMETHINGS JUST ARE NOT RIGHT AS GOD SEE IT.AND PERSONA;LLY I THINK HE WAS INFLUENCED BY SOMEONE WHO NEEDED NOT TO BE IN THE PICTURE AT ALL. ONE THING I AM CERTAIN OF, GOD SAW IT ALL, AND I ALSO BELIEVE THAT HE WILL BY THE HOLY SPIRIT IN HIS LIFE, SEE WHAT HE NEEDS TO SEE.CONCERNING THEY WAY GOD LOOKS AT A WOMEN AND THE WAY HE DSIRES A WOMEN TO BE TREATED CONCERNING LOVE. THAT IS MY PRAYER, IN THE MEATIME, I WOULD RATHER LIVE WITHOUT HIM THEN WITH HIM, UNTIL HE CLEARLY CAN STOP THE OLD WAYS OF DOING CERTAIN BEHAVIORS TOWARDS ME. WHEN WE DRAW CLOSE TO GOD, HE REVEALS MORE. AND THOSE THINGS HE DOES'T WANT US TO BE PART OF ANYMORE. MAYBE ONE DAY, HE WILL SEE A PATTERN THAT ONLY HE CAN STOP. BECAUSE I HAVE NO DESIRE TO DO IT THE OLD WAY. AND I AM SURE HE SEES AND HEARS IT MORE AND MORE. WHICH IS PERFECTLY OK BY ME. JUST NEED THE EMOTIONAL/PHYSICALLY LOVE THAT GOD SAID I AM WORTHY OF RECIEVING FROM NOW ON. DO I BELIEVE IT TO RECIEVE IT. gOD IS STILL IN THE BUSINESS OF WORKING IN MSTERIOUS WAYS AND PREFORMING MIRICLES FOR BOTH PARTIES CONCERNED.OUT OF MY HANDS, IN THE HANDS OF MY LORD'S SPIRITUAL REALM... JESUS SAVES. AMEN.

Marital Problem - between a Husband and Wife

I am married to a very wonderful woman and don't know how to make my wife happy as she once was with me. I truly believe our marital union is a blessing from GOD,amd that is why I never would just pick up and call it quits.

There is strife and no matter what I do, she tells me that she is always putting out fires in our marriage. She really doesn't realize how she is hurting me inside, making me feel unloved and very inadequate as a husband......something that shouldn't happen. As a husband, I will always try to encourage her and always love and respect her.

I think my wife doesn't realize that I am truly doing my very best, and am not doing anything intentional to hurt our marriage. I don't drink, gamble or have ever done illegal drugs, and am very faithful to her.

I praise GOD every day for helping me to get closer to him, for blessing me with the woman whom I am very happy to have as my wife, for giving peace into my life, giving me a job, a car, a home and enjoying everyday in this world.

I totally am lost and pray for GOD's help so that I can always fight my hurt feelings, and overcome my emotions so that one day my wife and I can compliment each other in our holy matrimony. I am feeling hurt and discouraged all the time, like a stranger in my own home.

I don't want a pity party, I take full responsibility as husband and head of the household for the present state of strife in our marriage.......... My prayer everyday to GOD is to help me to always be an obedient son. I pray for his help, so that I can also learn to be a better husband to my wife whom I love very much.

Please pray for me ............

Marital Problem - between a Husband and Wife

I long for a successful loving marriage. I know absolutely that I am not perfect and struggle and pray everyday for GOD to give me the wisdom and ability to be a better husband. I don't gamble, drink, or do illegal drugs......I just simply want to get closer to GOD, to praise and thank him for my life, my wife, my children, my job,my home and this beautiful world.
I have no doubt that I would never have met my wife had it not been by GOD's grace. My problem which hurts me so very badly is that I can't seem to make her happy. I can't seem to communicate well with her, though I have tried my best. When strife occurs, I fight back my emotions and pride, and than give myself time to think everything we both had discussed.
Whether or not I may or may not be right, I know ABSOLUTELY that I love my wife, and graciously concede and apologize to her. Winning the argument means nothing to me, rather, being one as husband and wife......being complete means everything to me.

Control Yes! Trust? No way!

I know that the person that I am is because of my past. I had a father that was emotionally and mentally abusive to his family. He beat my loving mom withing inches of her life on a regular basis, but he never managed to beat her spirit out of her. She relies on God the way everyone should, however I just can't seem to do that.
I want to control everything around me so that I know I am safe and so that no one will ever hurt me again.
Now that I am married I have a very hard time letting God work in my marriage. I want to be in control of every situation. My husband has done several things during our marriage that have just encouraged me to not trust him or trust God with our relationship. My husband and I are unequally yoked, which makes it even harder to listen and trust God when I need to.
I really need to learn the meaning of letting go and letting God!!!
My church is full of wonderful and encouraging messages that have helped me get stronger even though I am still weak. I am so grateful for having them in my life.

Alcoholism

Through the grace of God and my willingness to commit to a 12 step program I am, today, 42 days sober. It has been a life long struggle to get clean, but through giving it to our Lord, he led me to the right people to help me.
My disease (alcoholism) had completely taken over my life. For a long time I was able to continue with my daily activities, work, family, church, household responsibilities, but eventually the disease would start to take all of that away. Like termites slowly eating away at the inner core of your home. I was losing my soul to this deadly disease. I began to make seriously bad choices that compromised everything that I believed in. Driving Drunk, Lying to my family and friends, avoiding care of my son, blacking out and not remembering things. I had a foggy view of the world each day. Clouded vision! I wasn't even able to complete sentences or thoughts. My anxiety was growing and I was afraid of everything, including leaving my house or talking to anyone. I was enclosing myself in isolation. Eventually the alcohol wasn't relieving my pain. One drink was not an option and 1000 drinks couldn't fix the problem. I believed I was doomed to die a drunk and I was okay with that. I wanted it more than life, family or God. So, I thought. One night I was drinking heavily and something came over me. My soul was deteriorating. I stopped and looked in the mirror. It was devastating to see myself wasting away. My health was going, my family was going and my soul was next. It disgusted me to see myself like that. The alcohol was not numbing the pain. I then decided to make the greatest decision of my life. I reached out and asked for help. I was scared. Oh so frightened.
It was amazing how by just asking for help, people that I didn't even know cared about my well-being.
God sent many sheperds my way and I decided to be a lamb of God. My sheperds led me to treatment and prayed for me, when I was not able too.
It has been a tough road, but my willingness to trust in God COMPLETELY and to work the program set out for me, I am happy to say that I finally feel FREE! My marriage is growing again, I am able to look into my son's eyes without shame, I don't have to hide anymore because it is OKAY to not be OKAY!
I have never felt so good in my life. I am totally committed to sobriety through Christ!
He picked me up, held me in his arms, and said, "Fear not, for I am with you, always!"
42 days and counting. One day at a time, walking with Christ! I am Free!

Cabinet Girl seeks Men with Money

My girlfriend who is 36 years old, blonde and beautiful, left me for a second time last month. She did this once before I made the mistake of taking her back, however I was drawn to her beauty and not her soul. She moved here from the Mid West with her two daughters. In several prior relationsips it was discovered that she used her ex-husband, and other men, so that she can stay at home and spend money and live the way she desired. She was a shopaholic and spend excessive money on clothes, shoes and outfits. She often bragged to me of the nice things he bought her. When she wanted too much, he cut her off and asked for a divorce. When I met here she swore to me that was not the case and I beleived her. I bought her a $30,000.00 minivan for the family we shared together, and many other nice things in the beginning. When I would not give into her materialistic desires over time, after I found out this was her track record, She started to shut me down and not "love" me anymore.

She was dependeant on me for a bit and she had two children living with us. She made a minimal income in a Cabinet shop who caters to high end clients. I managed her income so that she could get herself on the right track and start actually saving money for herself. When she realized she had to be responsible and budget money and could not spend all of hers and mine as well, she shut me out. Little did I know she was seeking wealthier me at her job. She started to look around for a place to move out. I discovered that she was being pursued by, and pursuing wealthy men, and she wanted to go on to them instead. When she got her tax return, she immediately moved and is now dating them.

This devasted me. I truly thought I was special and that she loved me liked she told me. I knew in my heart she did not, and always told her that Talk is Cheap, and that actions speak more. I prayed for her to Love me, however you can't make someone love you. She continually denied my comments and also "said" the right things to me to get by. Even though my gut told me I was being used like the other men she was with, I wanted to beleive in her and think she could change. She finally moved out with her daughters around the corner from me in Henderson. Now, She is seeking the attention of high income men and co-workers to help her out.

I am so hurt from the lies over the last 18 months and the way she played me. I ask for God's help in healing the hole in my heart that was created by her. I truly loved her and wanted to make a nice home for her and her children, however she did not love me in return. God saved me by getting me out this mess before it got worse. I thank God daily for his blessings and the lessons he has taught me. I pray that I place my rocks before the Lord and let him guide her in the right direction.

Drugs, lies, hurt, pain, stress, every bad thing i

I am a recovering drug addict who every once in a while when stress gets to me go and do drugs just for a day or two and then come to my senses and stop. I've told lies and had lies told to me. as well as pain and hurt i've had them done to me and vise versa. And stress gets to me and bring up headaches. All my bead things I've done in the past. I just want a better life.

gambling

I won't be as literate and detailed as another in this space. I'll just say I know how she is feeling, I share the same garbage! I have no excuses, life is good, my husband is wonderful, my kids and grandkids are grown and doing okay - I'm in business and it's up and down but overall doing alright, but I think boredom and not having family around has made this an easy way to try to put some spark back in my world. I love my Lord and want to not disappoint Him and hope this is the first step to freedom from the slots.

I feel that life is not worth living

In September 2006 my husband of 11 years decided that he could no longer hide the fact that he did not love me. I will be 49 years old tomorrow and I have two little children left to continue to raise. I have two generations of children and now three torn up marraiges. My oldest daughter turned 32 years old today and I believe that because of my failures in my life time she has no respect for me and feels that I should have never have had her at the age of 16. That precious little baby girl was born the day before I turned 17 and I wanted her and she was my fist baby. I married at 19 and had two more children and by the time I was 21 I had three children another baby girl and a son. I was so excited to finally have a boy but when he was almost 4 months old he died of SIDS. This was the beginning of the end for my life. I adopted my little sisters baby when she gave birth at the age of 16 and now that little angle is 22 years old. I finally met the man of my dreams and when we met both of us had nothing because of our x spouces. Now we own and operate a million dollar business and have lots of property with houses nice cars and we also give lots of our money to the needy. When my perfect man told me last September that he hated me for loving me I went into shock. I gambled alot of money away and I also gave alot of money away. Money will not make anyone happy it totally destroyed us. My own daughter has no respect for me and now I have dumped my negative problems on my wonderful sister. I dont want to live anymore and I so receive help each week from a therapist and my family. I feel so bad that I don't even think that God can fix this one for me. I am full of anger and hate that I walk with my head down. My husband told me that he would take the children over me and by that he said if we were drowning he would step on my head and pull my babies out. I cant get over the words that came out of his mouth for over 2 hours. He called me materialistic, judgemental, and selfish. All of those words describe him. I would give to anyone who asked me for help. He blamed me for keeping his family away. When my mother dropped dead on my kitchen floor in 1998 his parents called the next day to ask if I had sent the money for their plane tickets because they come to visit every xmas and we by the tickets, this was in July when my mommy died and it seemed that the only people concered were my family. How can I embrace people who could care less about me and my family? I am still in shock and I never realized the feelings that my husband hid from me for so many years. I ask God why did you allow me to bear two more children at my age knowing that this man hated me the entire time? I dont even think that God can fix this for me. I am learning a life lesson that I cannot figure out and now I have given up because of my age maybe. I love my childen, each and every one of them and I love all of my grandchildren. I miss my mommy and daddy. My father took is own life in 1981 and I wish that I would have shown him more love and maybe he would be here to see his grandchildren. GOD please help me to go through this time in my life. I hate that I have given up. Words can be very powerful and I have let words destroy my life. GOD please help me.

A good business turned bad

A good business turned bad has us owing a lot of debt to friends and family members. We want to sell old inventory and earn the money again on a new ventrue God has given us to clear our debts, our name and reputaion and help us to forgive the cruelty of friends, and family and church members in another state.

The Need for Speed

In September 2006 I made the choice to try speed. I loved it. It made me talkative and fun to be around. Before that I was shy and held back around most people. People I didn't know. But when I smoked, I got talkative and people laughed at my jokes and everything was good. I smoked off and on through December 2006. Then I decided I was done, I had gotten really sick a couple times. I had been up for days, no water, no food...It was horrible. So, I decided to stop because I was unhealthy and I was hurting myself. I smoked like once or twice since then.

The end of February/beginning of March2 007 came around. I started smoking again. Yeah, it was fun. I was doing it constantly though. I would smoke when I got off work around 3:30 and I would smoke until like 3, 4 or 5 in the morning. I had to be to work at 7:30. I did it the most on the weekends. It was constant. Well, just a couple weeks ago, I started smoking it on a Friday night. I didn't have any so I melted down the build up in the pipe. I smoked all night Friday, then Saturday a little during the day, then all night Saturday. Sunday I came to church and then after that I smoked constantly. I was up from Friday night through Wednesday. I had a couple hours sleep total in that period of time. I didn't eat or drink anything. I got down to 115lbs. I am 5'7 and my normal weight was about 125-130lbs. After I realized what I was doing to myself I said I was done. I passed up a couple oppportunities to smoke. Then I gave in a couple times.

I had just bought $60 worth of the drug and I intended on smoking all of it. I was just going off the end and I just didn't care. In my mind it was the only thing that made me happy. The people I have been hanging around were starting to be rude and cold towards me. So, I was just like whatever, I have the drug and I am happy. A friend saw me and told me I looked horrible. He said I was so skinny and it was gross. He said that I was so beautiful, but now I look sick. That felt like a punch in the stomach. This friend had been hooked on this drug too. He has been clean for 4-5 months now. So, he knew what I was going through.

His words really hit me hard. I took the little zip-lock baggie and I opened it and I dumped $60 worth down the drain. I said I was done with it. But, you guessed it, the next night I smoked. BUT, the good part in that is I hated it. I took a couple hits and each one made me sick. I haven't touched it since. And I'm staying strong. I want to smoke it so bad. It's all I've been thinking about, but I'm not going to do it.

I guess the reason I am writing this, is to let this out in the open. I have been hiding this from my family and I have just been holding everything in. I needed to get it out. I hate myself. I hate my life, I hate who I've become. I want to change...

I feel pain and guilt for the hurt I caused him

My husband and I were married for 6 years and he really truly loved me I never thought I'd do something so horrible to him. I dont want to admit it but after I had a gastric bypass and started loosing weight things started changing, I dont want to admit to arrogance it never felt like that but my head started thinking differently, I started acting differently and I dont know why. I did drugs and cheated on him in our own home on our bed. I lied and continued to cheat on him for months until I left him and I still continued to cheat on him. I wasnt honest and kept him hanging on the line I dont know why I thought I still loved him I didnt know what I was doing, I was hurting him. I never wanted to hurt him. He ended up moving away. I fell in love with the other man, deeply...We are living together although my husband and I are not yet divorced, legally, he is dead in my heart. But I still think every day about him and wonder where he is and if he's okay and if he's making it okay. God forgive me for what I've done and what I'm still doing, I dont want to negotiate with you but I love him I do and I'm so sorry Lord I dont want to go to hell and I want to be in heaven with you, I want my husband to be in heaven to where he can be happy were no one can hurt him. Im sorry I love you.

Too big for my britches

I am act more powerful than I actually am at work. I get full of myself, my opinions, my way or the highway. It has caused problems as I hurry through being important about things, I miss small details that later come back and haunt me. I need to be humble and follow God's lead....not my own.

I know it's not healthy but....

Since my husband revealed to me last month he has been having an afair, I have not been able to climax without visualizing him sleeping with other woman. I know it is a problem but I don't know what to do about it...

Let Go and Let God!

I have a daughter, who has been lost in the world since the age of 15. She is now 23... I have been asking God to help her and bring her back, but I keep stepping in the way, its very hard for me to "Let Go and Let God" do what he does best.

my mother is my sister

Imagine my shock to find out my loving sister was sexually abused by our father. Now imagine my horror when I learned she conceived a child... me! I was introduced to the community as her 'sister'. She carried that burden until I was 13 years old, then she blew her brains out on a picnic table leaving a note for me apologizing for not being there for me. I have carried this pain and guilt inside me all my adult life. I am now 47 years old and I am an angry person. I have realized thru years of counseling that I do not experience emotions as others do. When I am scared, I am angry, hurt=anger, disappointed=angry, just angry all the time. I never let anyone in and have ruined every relationship I have ever had because I have never felt worthy to be loved. But through God's uncensored grace, the teachings of my pastor and "stripped" (book), I am learning to let go and let God. I have learned that I am worthy of love and I am desperately trying to repair relationships with my children that I have hurt many many times over the years with hateful words and unfeeling emotions. Hurricane Katrina brought me to Nevada and as a regular of my church I have learned that God loves me and he has a reason for letting me live all these years. Now I no longer feel that I am unworthy. I know my life has purpose. I am grateful for all the horrible things I have experienced because without it, I wouldn't be the strong determined woman that I am. Thank you to my pastor ... some Sunday mornings, I feel like I am the only one sitting there, like your message was tailored for me. Thank you.

gambling

I am a stay at home mom, who has had the privile dge of Gods blessings financial supporting my stay at home status the past 8+ years. About 1 year ago I got this out of now where urge to slip into a casino with $20 bucks to have some fun...$20 turned into $100 quickly and now I can't drop less then $300 a day sometimes a few days a week. Recently I moved into a house that far exceeds our dreams and have felt the guilt and shame living in such a beautiful home. I have been a christian long enough to know that the blessing we have are not because we deserve it but strickly by His grace alone. Which in turn has made me feel even more unworthy to live here and the financial freedom he has set our families path on. This series has been difficult for me to do my personally reading in mainly because of the fear of humiliation i will put myself through knowing that my addition has kept me awake at night, made me feel insecure in my family relationships and at times hypicritical of others financial decisions. My husband has no idea of my addition, as long as the bills are paid and there's money in the bank he doesn't ask. So no one checking up on me is what's given me the permission to give into this addiction. The Holy Spirit is calling me to turn to God before its too late. The last few days have been challenging with Gods voice echoing louder and louder, and Satan is not giving up. Today i sat down and wrote out our budget for the next year and started to cry knowing that God wanted me to see what my addiction will do in the long run if I don't surrender my financies to Him today...not TOMORROW! I don't understand why I'm turning to gambling, i have a wonderful husband, places i ministry for Him that are fulfilling, the perfect home life as a stay at home mom, God's blessings beyond my expectations, a new home, my health, and love and understanding from our Savior. But today I confess to You that I have an addiction with gambling that i surrender to God to tackle for me, to bring me into His protection and encouragement by way of His Holy Spirit, i surrender my finances to Him insuring my needs will be meet w/ more than enough to tithe and provide others with their needs at the same time. I know God will replace my destructive habit that controlls me with a habit that glorifies the Lord. I am so thankful for this site and the ability to take the first step to allow myself the freedom God longs for me to have. God Bless my pastor and his willingness to be a pathway to so many of us...Thank goodness for my God who cheers me on and strengthens me with the power over Satan and all he stands for. May God bless you all and strenthen you too!!!

I have had enough pain for two lifetimes, I can't

I feel I have had enough pain in my life for two life times. I can't help, but feel I may be the cause of my own pain and suffering. How do I know I am not sabotaging myself. I think back on my life and I can't remember a time, where there wasn't pain or struggles. From the time I could walk and talk, I was caused pain by someone who said they loved and cared for me and that has continued into my adult life. Don't get me wrong, I know God and I have a personal relationship with Christ, however it just seems like no matter what path I take there is so much pain and suffering. I want to be loved the way Christ loves us and I know he wants that for us. How do I know I know how to love properly, be married, be Mother, the way god intended me to be, when I never had that in my life. How do I know I am not in my own way? I am tired of the pain and tired of the hardness in my heart and tired of being afraid of committing whole heartedly to someone. I tired of running away and looking for a way out? However I don't know how to change, I don't know the next step, I just don't know......What have I done so wrong that I am not entitled to the happiness God has promised us in this life, the life many experience, the kind of life the avails me????.....

marijuana is gettin the best of me.

i am a student at the university of phoenix, a mother, a spouse and the oldest within my family. i attend Church every saturday. i took my first hit 3 months ago, and everyday ever since. i try to stop, and say that i am, it seems like i cannot control it. i feel that it is starting to take control of me, therefore i need help, before it's too late.

I have anger toward my parents and siblings

Both my parents are past away and I have tried to forgive them for the childhood I had. My siblings and I had to more or less raise ourselves. We were the outcast of our extended family. My siblings used me as the scapegoat for the problems when it was my father who they should have been looking at. He was an alcoholic, womanizer, who left his wife and five children not once but twice. My parents should have never had children. I have three beautiful children and a wonderful husband, but I still have problems dealing with my upbringing. God is healing me, but it is so deep and hard. I keep trying to forgive them and realize I am not perfect. I am praying that God will heal me and make me whole in him. When I am around my siblings the old feelings come, I try so hard not to let them. I know they have issues to and I love all of them and pray for their salvation and healing, and that we can be close and a real true family that really loves one another for who we are.

I feel dead inside

Sexually abused by numerous family friends for years from the time I was 3 till about 7, dysfunctional family, etc. Fast forward a few years....incident recently happened where all of my fears, hurt, pain have resurfaced. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful son but I feel as if I'm not good enough for them, I hurt deep inside, my heart is breaking...don't know how to get better. Want so badly to feel again just don't know how, I hurt so bad. The little girl is hurt she needs someone to hold her and tell her she will be ok, she hurts for everything that was taken from her, the innocence, the love, the security, the trust. She hurts...she's broken, she needs you God, please help her she needs you more than ever, the pain is too much to bear by herself, I'm down on my knees Lord, please guide me, please make me whole again for my family.

Lies

I constantly find myself lying just to seem like a better person than I really am... How do I stop?

UNFORGIVNESS

Recently I've had alot built up unforgivenss for my spouse & me. There where alot of extremely wrong behaviors that occured. I keep praying that the Father, son, Holy Spirit will keep both our souls open to the surgery that needs to take place. Forgiving me as JESUS has, and Forgiving others as Jesus would want. Deep healing. for wholeness. so we can start a new in the light. God bless.

I was raped at 12 years old and rejected by Father

I am still fearful and I feel I am not worth much. Deep inside I know that isn't true, that God loves me. I blamed God when I was raped and was very hurt and angry. My dad rejected and abondoned me, so it is hard to trust. Alot of years have passed and it has been so long ago, but I still think about all of that. I am ready to let it go and give all my hurts and misunderstandings to God and let him heal me and make me whole.

Home

I was very hurt by church, family and a community hero many years ago. Unfortunately that left scars that led to bruises, that led to broken bones and eventually to internal bleeding...I am speaking metaphorically, but you may get the picture. My pain led to even more pain, and more paths that turned up equally empty.
I am just now learning how to trust again.I would appreciate your prayers as that pain has torn my family apart....I need to dump the pain....My son and I need to feel where home is...

Alone in this Amazing City

Been divorced now for 3 long years. Been through all the phases of guilt, remorse, anger, blame, resentment, fear, pity, self-loathing, depression, suicidal thoughts, addiction, compulsion, obsession, apathy and more. I'm ready to move on, try again, have hope and trust God.

Homosexuality

Hello to everyone!

I am a homosexual and have know to be since I was 5 years old. I want to know if me and my fellow homosexuals are welcome to your church?

i dont know where to go

I feel like my life is going into a downward spiral and i dont have any control over it. I am miserable here because i want to be with my boyfriend, he lives in chicago. i have so much fear about the relationship because of the distance.i lost him once and dont want to lose him again. i feel so trapped here. i want to put our relationship in gods hands but it is so hard and i am sad a depressed everyday. i cannot move there until i finish school but i dont think i can take much more of this pain. Help

Inadequate in life

I was once a very productive man good at work good father and husband until at 42 I had a stroke that paralyzed my right side now I can not work my wife had to take over as breadwinner of the house for me that’s quite a blow to my manhood we had a house, good car, money in the bank all of it gone. Now we drive a bucket o bolts that I am luck to have 4 out of lug nuts on each wheel we rent a home and it is all because of me my wife is very understanding but I know she is very stressed out I see her getting older than her years sometimes I get so depressed and I wish that I can do more
does god have a plan for me or is this it for the rest of my life

played doctor as kid

i molested other children....when i was 6

The Pain Isn't Going Away

I thought I had met the man of my dreams, he was wonderful and caring and even introduced me to God. We were together for almost a year until Christmas, when I found out that I was pregnant with his child. He told me that he didn't think he could see himself with me for the rest of his life, however, he wanted me to have the child and he wanted to keep it and raise it- he didn't think I could be a mother, which in all reality, I probably couldn't, being 21 years old with my whole life still waiting ahead for me. I didn't want to spend the next 7 months being pregnant and alone and then to have a child who may never really know it's mother, so I did what I thought was right for me and my child and I had an abortion. The pain of our breakup and the pain of my decision isn't fading away. Each and everyday, I look at my stomach thinking of how it feels so empty. I feel the pain of my child being ripped out of my body. I feel the pain of my heart breaking as the man I thought I loved abandoned me for a second chance at bachelorhood. I dont' think God can forgive me for my decision. Everyday since then, has been harder than the one before, I feel like my life is falling apart before me. Will it ever stop?

If I ignore it, it will go away

My husband has a temper, however it doesn't appear very often but when it does, watch out!

From an outsiders perspective it would look like our family is an example of what a healthy family should look like, other families have commented on what a wonderful family we have and what great realtionships we all share with one another, but we are hiding a very big secret.

Over the past 25 years I have experienced a number of incidents with my husband that have terrified me. It's really amazing how it can come out of nowhere and then there are times that I can actually see it building over time and then reaching its full outcome. I would say all of the cases it's mostly screaming and yelling and some occasional throwing of things and then there have been times when there has been a punch thrown at one of my adult children or a hand raised to me, or a little bit of in your face screaming or should I say threatening.

In the event his anger has escalated to a level where I feel I need to get involved because he may hit one of our children, his anger gets even worse and there's no turning back for him at that point. He has tunnel vision during his episodes and can't seem to get out of the tunnel.

In most cases I am praying during the ordeal and finally feel I need to step in because I'm afraid someone is going to get hurt. My husband afterwards usually blames me for the situation getting out of control.

I pray about it and battle with it at the same time. If I ignore it, it will go away. I don't know what I would do without prayer. It has gotten me through every episode.

I have forgiven my husband although I feel like I walk on "eggshells" not knowing when "it" will rear it's ugly head again.

Prayers are needed for him.

Vegas is where we keep the lost and found dept

It was a risk. But then, maybe it would pay off, I thought. I came 640 miles to start a new life here, not sure what I would find. The most important thing was what I didn't bring with me: the pre-conceived idea of what Vegas is all about that most people carry with them when they get here. The second most important thing is what I did bring with me: you can take the girl out of the Idaho farm, but you can't take the Idaho farm out of the girl.

It was not easy. Never date a rock star, especially one who never quite made the big-time and is still trying to relive the glory of being 17. But here's what I think about Vegas, after 7 years. Whatever junk you have, whatever fears you have, whatever things you need to face, decisions you need to make, you'll be handed them here. And you'll either sink into depravity, rise to the occasion, or run away.

I don't have any more junk to dump--I dumped over the past 7 years. Sometimes still holding on with a white-knuckle grip right to the last. I'm learning a new lesson now--how not a let any new junk accumulate. Clean the closets regularly.

Our whole society has mixed up a lot of ideas. God doesn't put us in miserable situations to set us up for failure--he is giving us the opportunity to really succeed. Sometimes we are really holding on so tight to the things that are holding us back, and arguing so loudly about it that we'll never, ever see that letting go--usually the easiest thing to do, right? no effort involved in letting go of something, just watch it fall--is the real answer. Not more effort. A different kind of effort.

If God asked you to do a hard thing, like eat nothing but crackers and water for 180 days, or climb to the top of Mt. Everest, or tatoo Jesus Saves on your forehead, or stand in the rain and chant Kum By Ya for 7 days, we'd probably do it. But he asked us to do an easy thing--let go. Give up. Release. Accept. Beleive. Surrender. And on top of that, he promised that if we did that, we would be more than conquerers.

Vegas is where you'll find the lost and the found. You'll have to dig a little deeper here. You'll have to look beyond the image, see the truth underneath. You'll come face to face with your demons, and you can invite them for dinner or send them packing--that's your choice.

Someone I loved and cared about lied on me

My ex husband was sexually abused by his mother. I begged him for years to go get help, but he wouldnt. I finally gave him an ultimatum after 8 years of marriage because his behavior was out of control so he divorced me instead of getting help. He also did not like the fact that I got saved, turned my life over to Christ and therefore I didnt want to do certain behaviors anymore IE: prostition to support him ...We had joint custody of our daughter but she lived with me. When she was 3 and we were still married, his mother assaulted our daughter...(thats when he had confessed to me about his past abuse) but the police did nothing about it because there was no bleeding and the DA cant build a case based on the testimony of a 3 year old.. They suggested we keep our daughter away from my ex's mother which we did for almost 7 years. One day my daughter came home from visitation with her father and told me that "grandma" was back in her life... I withheld visitation and he brought me back to court. Not only did he lie on me in court to the judge and during the deposition, he brought his mother into the trial and she lied about sexually assaulting our daughter, too. The Judge accused me of being "addicted to prostitution and now being addicted to Christ" and basically called me a religious lunatic and ruled against me. (Funny, she never even brought up that my husband was a PIMP and dumped me when I wanted to stop turning tricks to support him!) I absconded with my daughter in order to protect her to another state and we were being sought after by investigators for a year. One day we were driving down the freeway and the police pulled us over because they were randomly checking out of state tags. My daughter was taken from me and given to that LIAR and I havent seen her in over a year. I was also jailed for 3 months and my ex went to court and asked the criminal judge to give me 5 years in prison. He has turned my daughter against me with a host of lies and manipulation tactics. I refuse to play my ex's sick game. I have done everything I could to help him and my daughter. He wants to stay sick obviously but my daughter is now living with that evil person and is in jepoardy of another sexual assault if it hasnt already happened. I dont know why THE LORD didnt show up in the situation but I need Him to! Right now GOD is looking foolish! Making it look like its not worth it to serve God because the evil is winning out! And my ex is laughing at The Lord and all of us who serve Christ because my ex and his mother got away with their evil plot. I just want my daughter to serve God and my ex to get saved. But she is being influenced by some purely diabolical people right now. PLEASE pray for them and for me because this is too big for me to handle/comprehend...THANK YOU for reading this and for your prayers.

LORD HELP ME I CANNOT DO IT ANYMORE

I cannot break the cycle of cravings for drugs need to spend $$ Hurt myself because I'd get attention I am sick of me and would like God to take over I am inept at living and I give please help me God I ask you to allow the Holy spirit into my life and wish to walk along with Jesus but I feel I am not worthy of any of it

I am controlling.

I have been with my boyfriend for a long now, and we still say that we are very much in love. However, he has at times been unfaithful to me, and has lied to me on those occasions. I was suspicious, and I confronted him a few times, but he denied them. So I started to check his email and to watch how he acted while he thought I was away, and sure enough, he lied and cheated.

We had a talk about it, and he was genuinely repentant. He has since stopped all his activities, and says he loves me only, and I believe him, and trust him.

The problem is, I am now addicted to knowing all his doings, and I still check his email and messages every day behind his back, even going so far as to check the histories on his computer. He is not the type to delete these or hide things this way, and I don't know he even knows how. I have found, of course, no evidence at all of him doing anything wrong, or even suspicious. He has truly repented and has changed, and I trust him, but I how do I stop invading his privacy like this? I don't need to know what he says to his friends in private messages, and it's none of my business to be spying on him.

Perhaps I should come clean with him.

Anger for my Boyfriend

I am so mad at my boyfriend inside. He has been in and out of jobs for the past 2 years and has left me picking up all of the slack. I just want him to get it together because I don't think it's fair that I have to make sacrifices in my life to support the both of us. He can easily get up and do something. Is that selfish??? I am losing my patience. We need a solution.

parents

I was from a very dysfuntional family..but didn't know it until after I left home. From the outside our home was always the nicest on the block, but inside there wasn't any love. My mother never had a meal cooked, or food in the house, I had to always get rides home for I was not allowed to bother my parents. I grew up with a fear of my parents and always strived for the best to please them. My mother, to this day has not said the words"I love you". I was never allowed to have anyone over and do the normal things kids like to do...like go to a movie. When I was seventeen I got pregnant, and my parents disowned me. I had been dating this person and he was kind and loving to me. I would go to his house and his mother would make the greatest sandwiches in the world, I thought she was the greatst Mom in the world. I got married to him and lived with his parents until after our daughter was born. His parents were so kind and helped me out with the newborn. My parents lived in the same city, less than a mile away, and not once called to see how we were doing. His parents were the best grandparents a child could ask for. I stayed angry for so long...but I always knew that God would be with me. I read every book I could get my hands on about how to raise a child. I just knew when the doctor handed my daughter to me...that she would know the Lord and would hear how much I loved her eveyday. As time went on we had another little one and my parents still made no connection to me but would break their backs to see my sister and her family. I use to feel that I was being punished for getting pregnant. But, you know I think it made me a better person for I use to pray to God to keep us in His loving arms.I have to this day tried to communicate with my parents and they still don't respond. So with the series of Freedom I wrote my parents a loving and kind letter and asked for forgiveness for anything that I had done. It has been over two weeks now and no response. They know my phone number and address. I found out when I was sixteen, from my sister, that my sister was my half sister and both my parents had been divorced. When I was forty when my half sister told me about times my father would molest her...I felt like my world had stopped. I just couldn't understand how anyone could ever touch a child. My sister even told me that she had told my mother about it and nothing was done. So there was a lot going on in this house that I didn't even know. Then I found out through a relative that I have a brother that live in Portland, Oregon. I was a good child...never in trouble, captain of the cheerleaders, homecoming queen, made excellent grades and stayed out of trouble. The way I look at it...I have left it in God's Hands. I am no longer carrying this guilt around. I am the mother of two loving and kind daughters that have made an contribution to this world. My oldest daughter and her husband have five children that all know the Lord and she tells them everyday that they are loved. My other daughter lives overseas and has two children with her husband and they also know the Lord and His love. I talk to my children at least twice a week and they always beat me to the punch in telling me how much they love me. My children and their children know what it is to be loved and to live with God's unconditional love everyday. What more could a mother and a grandmother want??
I have been very blessed to have a hugh family that loves me at my church.
I pray for my parents everyday and no longer worry about the past...it is all now in God's hands.

Praise the Lord and thank you so very much!!!

Lost and searching

I am successful, healthy, and don't have to want for anything. Why then am I sad, full of guilt, and feel so empty ? I would not consider myself and alcoholic, but I am an abuser. Pray for me. I want to shine like I used to. I want to feel God ib my life again, but I have failed him so misarably.

I have anxiety and panic attacks.

I pray for God to show me where in my life I need to let go and let God! This anxiety and panic in my life is controlling me and I'm sick and tired of living my life in fear.

Abuse

Over the years i have realized that my alcoholism stemmed from something deeper, How is it the we allow ourselves to get sexually, physically, emotionally violated. And allow perversion to disrupt our very souls. What i have realized, is by getting to know God more. Everything that i was allowing was opposing/conflicting the very truth that Chrsit said on the cross he paid for me to walk free. So with that, as more is revealed. I believe that God will enable me to turn of these kind of characters, so i can recieve the better ones that are more deserving of my Love, and continue to love me like christ said HE deisres me to. Thanks, for letting me stay in wisdom, as I am growing forward. Gods timing will turn around what I can't. Cause is there anything to difficult for THEE. I doubt it!! The Bible tells me so.

neverending abuse

I had a boyfriend, fiancee' whatever you want to call him that liked to beat me, keep money from me, never let me go out with my best friend, heck he didn't let me have the drugs we were doing together either. I believed I deserved the abuse because I am overweight and when he wasn't treating me like dirt he was kind and loving. About three years ago I learned I was pregnant with his child...can't be anyone elses she looks just like him and I was faithfull even though I know he wasn't. I had stopped doing drugs smoking cigarrettes and began to live a healthy life...still I was with him. Thinking that a child would make our lives better. Two months after she was born he abused her too. A two month old child, defenseless and unable to voice her problems save for her cries. I was destroyed. How could someone hurt a baby like this. Her tongue was nearlly ripped off the jaw bone by him jamming his finger into the bottom palette. Two months after hurting my precious angel he beat me, well he nearly killed me...I put him in jail and said goodbye to that life. I am proud to say now that the system let me have my daughter back and will be clean and sober for 2 years May 22. God was with me all the way even when I thought that she was better off without her mother. The Lord trully blessed me with my miracle and I love every minute I spend with her, even when she's throwing a tantrum, I know that I am there to witness it and can smile. Yes I believe God has trully blessed me.

trapped

I have been carrying alot of rocks around in my pockets,on my shoulders and they are getting very heavy. I drink alomost everynight and then start smoking and then decide to go to the bar and gamble and that is what my life has become over and over. I can't sleep at night because of the quilt I feel from what I have done

sexual addiction

God loves me. God fogives me of my sins. God made the ultimate sacrifice for me with his son Jesus Christ. I attend church on a regular basis and I look forward to the opportunities to serve in whatever way He chooses for me. Why do I find myself surfing the internet for porn? Why have I visited places where open sexual activity with strangers is not only acceptable but also encouraged? Why do I fantasize about other women when I'm happily married to a wonderful,loving, caring wife? My addiction is destroying me and if I don't recover, everything that truly matters to me will be gone. God knows that I'm really a good person inside. I just want to let others see that person too.

i am not in control

I am not in control of all that occurs in my life.

I ask God to take the reigns from my hands and handle my need to handle everything....

I am a control freak who no longer wants to be in control.

Used in a Relationship

I met a woman who I brought to my church last year. She was from Illinois and she moved to Las Vegas. She was everything I wanted and she told me everything that I wanted to hear. She was pretty and had two wonderful children. I never felt the connection that she spoke of, however she always told me the right things I wanted to hear, but I always felt like she was using me. I prayed for a long time. Several months over and over to God asking for direction from him. The relationship started to become worse and she was yelling all the time and even in front of her children. The mood swings were scary and it made everyone in the house scared. I knew something had to give. I felt trapped because I saw the ugliness that she could expose.

When I met her she did not have much. I wanted to provide for her but she started to take advantage of that. Nothing was good enough and she wanted more and more materialistic things. Home improvements, tutors for her children and new furniture and even a new backyard? Just within several months. I would have done any of these things if I knew she loved me for who I was. I always told her "talk is cheap" , actions of love speak volumes. Part of the reason she did not have much was because she was not good at finances. I helped her with those too, however when she had to pay the bills and be responsible, she became upset at me. So that did not work either.

Eventually she started to shut me out of her life. Later on I found out this was a pattern with her last three relationships. I was allowed No e-mails to her at work, no lunch dates together, no text messages, no phone calls and when we were together she withdrew. I began to think the worst and it eventually happened. I asked her several times to move on, however she always told me what I wanted to hear and we stayed together longer. I was weak and fell into her pattern. The times we were together it was yelling and argueing. The times we were apart I was not allowed to talk to her. She was even bothered by the fact that I sent flowers to her at work? I knew in her heart she wanted out and so did I. She eventually was able to get a large tax refund. She constantly told me over and over that she was going to save it, or start helping improve the house. Again what I wanted to hear.

I discovered that she was seeing someone and that she was also planning on moving out behind my back. When she was confronted she lied again. I knew it was over. Again I did not know to get out of this mess. I went to the cemetary and prayed near my deceased family. I cried out so deeply for thier help and begged for answers from God. I was on the verge of desperation and I was depressed for months. Two days later we broke up. It seemed to just happen like God was listening to me. I knew at that time it was going to get nasty because that was how she was. However, I was prepared to brace myself and accept whatever comments and lies she was willing to hand out. I knew I had God on my side. At times I questioned him but he finally pulled me through it okay. I heard last week at church in Henderson where we belong, that "God is raely early, but he is never late". That is true. I am lost without her, however I am now experienceing the Freedom that I deserve within my life. Thank you Lord for hearing me in my time of need.

Gospel of Homosexuality

I am a Christian. I accepted Christ on a warm night in August, praying a prayer with a spiritual mentor, that I was ready to follow God.

I am also a homosexual. As long as I can remember, this thorn has been with me. I was not abused, I do not have a bad relationship with my father, I was not raped, I am the first-born son, and there was no climactic event that caused this.

For years I have strugged with this problem, trying to stop, thinking that I was sinning by not having girlfriends, and being attracted to my male friends.

And of course, I failed in this way, and decided that I wanted love with a boyfriend. Our relationship has been less than perfect, in many ways, but through it, I have learned more about the nature of Love, how unfailing, how unconditional, how selfless love must be in order to be true Love. I have gotten closer and closer to God, and have started attending church again, and bringing my boyfriend and his family with me.

I believe that God made me gay that I might learn to love him better, to love others, and finally t love and accept myself. I feel that God has not condemned me, but has proven that his grace is sufficient, and that his strength is made perfect in weakness. For when I am weak, than am I strong.

Suicide

I just don't understand how or why a Christian commits suicide. Even if worldly hope runs out, we have an Eternal hope in Jesus Christ.

Struggling with Homosexuality

This one sin seems to have torn my whole life apart. I have lost so much. I fear that I have lost my relationship with God too. It has caused so many addictions that allow me to numb the past. I am afraid that I have gone so far off the deep end that I can no longer feel or have Gods grace.

Pornography and Sexual Thoughts

I am married with 4 children and have used pornography for over 30 years, mostly in secret. My wife knows I have problems with it but does not know the thousands of dollars I have spent on magazines, video tapes, DVDs and web sites. I hate how it makes me feel about women and what it has done to my sexuality and marriage and children. The lust it creates has led me to many, many extra-marital affairs. I know God can free me but I have tried men's groups, one on one counseling, accountability partners, web monitoring...in short, everything I can think of to be free of the desires and images. I always end up back in the porn shop or at the strip club or on the web sites or buying the magazines or looking at my sisters in Christ with sexual thoughts in my head and I really hate it and don't know if I will ever be free of this before I die. I gave my life to Christ over 20 years ago and this is the area I am always defeated. I always throw all the porn away and vow to be the new creature in Christ I'm supposed to be and within a few months I'm once again I'm seeking and finding what is destroying me inside. Please pray for me.

Alone

Sometimes I wonder if this fight in my faith is worth it.

Things were simpler, easier, before I tried to turn my life around. I have always been a "christian". I fell away, and recently have come back, with a strong desire to live out as God would want me. But with each step that I take in my faith, I find that I am more alone than before.

First time I came to my current church, I did it on my own. And I kept coming back by myself. I had friends here, but it was more a social time for them. I needed to hear God's word so I sat alone. I had been attending for a few months before I decided to go upstairs after service and rededicated my life. I let my frieinds know that I was going to do this. It was a personal prayer for me, so I did it alone. However, I asked them to wait around until I was done. They said sure. When I left them room, no one was there to share that moment with me. Soon there was the open baptism, again, alone. I asked my friends, people who even attended here to be a part of it, but they were to busy.

Trying to get my life right, I cut ties with my former circle of friends, the ones who would drink all night, be sexually immoral, and so on. I knew that I needed to grow with other Christians. So I reached out for those Christian around me, but only touched air.

I guess after taking so many steps by yourself, after you have decided to live right, people don't think you need anymore help.

So now I have no secular friends, really no Christian friends, more questions than answers, and a sadness and bitterness that grows in my heart daily.

I want to pursue God, but my heart is being turned to stone and I just want to forfeit. I know it is wrong, but I just don't have the strength...

FEAR OF WHERE GOD WANTS ME???

I am a believer of 25+ years, a leader in ministry, and literally have walked by faith as I was paralized as a teenager. I came from a little town of 300 people tweleve years ago to Las Vegas, as everyone in my little town looked down upon me for moving to "sin city". (I was a member of a baptist church and thier beliefs had held me in a position of fear of the unknown, for there were many things that a person should not do. As I arrived in Las Vegas (NEVER) venturing to the city before the day I moved here. I was petrified to leave my home, As my daughter at the time was in 3rd grade, her teacher asked what does your mom do? She said , nothing now, she is to scared to leave our house. What did your mom do before she came to Vegas?My daughter replied, "She taught children's music at our church". Her teacher said, "Well tell your mom, there is a church only one traffic light away. As the next weekend I ventured out of my house to walk into service, where I heard the music I had always wanted to sing" WOW, I thought this is where GOD has brought me!!! Elated..
Now I am Need Prayer Where God Wants Me?? Because the person I have been with, left me to go to South Dakota & I have been praying Phil. 4:4 for a year now & My instincts have not been of a calm nature. I continue to rely on "Be Still and Know I am God." I am very unsure of my future & Continually ask for God guidance and direction as I have lived my life by His Grace since I was a teenager & Only want to do HIS Will, yet I have no clarity in a direction at the present moment. PLEASE pray for me that I will recieve guidance as to where my journey in this will lead me.. Blessings, G

Poisoning myself with alcohol

Once again, I'm trying to get sober. Once again, I'm shaking, puking, full of shame and remorse. I need God's help desperately.

For some reason, I am loved. I have a few dear friends and a very forgiving life partner. There must be something redeemable inside me.

thanks for letting me share.

DM

Dear Mom...

I love you very much, however, please know that I will no longer seek your approval for my life, my finances, my friends, my abilities to raise my daughter, my weight, my work-out habits, the cleanliness and order of my home and/or car, the style of my hair, the amount of make-up I'm wearing, or not wearing, etc. I have never been able to live up to your expectations, and am tired of trying.

You called me a "fat pig" when I was only 7 or 8 years old. Yes, I remember. Do you? You reminded me over and over again that I was just like my father (my hero!), and them called him a "SOB". Yes, I remember. You constantly called us kids "stupid idiots". Yes, we remember. You belittled us in front of your family and made us feel we weren't as good, as smart or as worthy as our full-blooded Korean cousins. Yes, we remember. You made my brothers feel children were too much trouble. Yes, they remember.

Now, you're making comments that my daughter is getting "chubby". She's only 8 years old, for Pete's sake! Children grow up and grow out constantly. Keep your hurtful comments to yourself. I will not allow you to damage my daughter's heart and head the way you damaged me, my sister and my brothers.

From your daughter...

friendship/relationship struggles

My friend J is really confusing me right now. You see, J and I met about a month ago at the 4th Annual Walk With the Heart of a Child. We seemed to hit it off GREAT but as with most guys, I made a mistake of telling her that I was too attached to her. Of course, like any other woman, this scared J. Because of this, I didn't feel comfortable going to her bday party at the beginning of the month. I finally decided to break the silence so to speak on March 12th which was her bday. I decided to call her and wish her a happy bday but had to leave it on her voice mail. Then, this past Thursday (3/15) after leaving several comments on J's pics on MySpace, I get this comment from her first thanking me for all the sweet comments and to let me know that she thinks about me every day still. I'm thinking, "Whoa, what happened? This coming from the same young woman who was happy living the single life a month ago." Please God, help me get her off of my mind.

I've had a stealing problem that's caught up with

I am always blamed for lost possessions.I am not even close to it and I'm always blamed for it!It is always making me cry and it tears me apart

so many racing thoughts,loneliness,drug addiction

29 year old single mother of three,Have no idea how to love them ,I know I do deep inside but can't say it! I don't know how to make freinds, I make up stupid stories,and take things that don't belong to me for no reason,,I can;t keep a job at all,everytime I say Iam gonna do something I do the oppisite! I keep gong back to METH!!! I found god last year,I thought! this year Iam tottally lost all over again,I feel as if Iam being punished,all this has been circlng my mind and life since 7 years old!! I always cry over everything! I been with this guy for 7 years have not been loyal at all to him or nice and he has put up with me tell now! NOW ,he see's how I really am and has learned to move on and won't give me the time or day, I find myself chassing him now when before I chased him off litterally!!! MOST OF ALL I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO PRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My rock

I honestly dont know where to start. I feel like I have been living for everyone else. My life consists of school, work, and catching up with friends. Sounds fullfilling right? To a certain extent. Throughout my student life I always got pretty good grades, until college. I have never been a scholastic person, never will be. The only option i was given after high school was college. So I've been in college for 5 years now, and I really wissh I could quit because i feel like its holding me back from everything I want to do. in fact I really do not need the degree to do what I want, but I feel like i have to have it to make everyone happy. I also would be the first girl in my family to graduate from college and it inspires my younger cousins to do the same. I'm also not a quitter, and I am just so close to completion that i cant just drop out. I really want to do is travel, hang out with my friends, work a job i love (right now i'm doing a desk job that i cant stand because my boss allows me to do my homework there). My life is so busy but yet i feel so lonely. I try to share my loneliness to my friends but they kind of blow it off. I know they dont mean any harm, but it its killing me inside. Most of my friends are married, some with children, and the rest or past the party mood that a party is to sit on a couch and smoke pot and watch TV is considered a raging time. Never been into drugs.. I really dont want anything apart of it. so high school. Back to being so lonely. I've been single for 2 months now maybe 3, but i feel like i havent been in love for over a year or two now. I miss that feeling. I recently "hooked up" with my ex, but I know that were arent meant to be in this point in our lives. What kills me is that I have a hard tme meeting new people. I have trust issues. no i'm not a basketcase/psycho, I just like to take my time to get to know people. I have alot of walls. I guess all my issues are weighting me down like a rock. I dont trust people right away, I'm stubborn, and selfish. I wish I wasnt. I've tried to join small groups and the college/young adult group , but no one from the church is calling me back with information. well thank u for reading this. Made me feel better to get this out.

Dazed & Confused~

The title says it all! I am a very successful business man, have everything going for me, beautiful wife, children, home(s), Christian family & friends- HOWEVER I AM living a lie- I have been in a 12 step program for numerous years, and have taken "multiple years" clean & sober without being so.... Out of ego, pride, shame & guilt I haven't come clean with myself, my wife, GOD nor my sponser of 14 years. I have justified using in my own mind because "the Doctors think I need it so I must" PURE INSANITY! The truth is I had a few months clean when I had an accident and was pretty banged up, from the 1st time the Dr wrote an rx for Lortab, & Soma my disease was off & running and continues to do so, I started taking them the first few months ONLY as prescribed and needed, I now am prescribed 120 pills a month and they are gone within a week. For the next 3 weeks of the month I am spending about $150 per week just to keep from detoxing during the week @ work. I have detoxed on my own so many times it is not even funny. It is the worst feeling, very painful and miserable. I get to the last day of it, start feeling like a new person and go right back out.... I am so confused on how to turn my will and life over to the care of God, and because I have lived this lie for so long my ego wouldn't allow me to ask for help, as I should know how to do this after being around meetings and recovery for sooooo long.... I am also in a spritual battle with myself and GOD due to this life I think I have hidden~ I often wonder if those around me really know what is going on, and then I build resentments because if they would just call me out I feel I'd be able to recover and get honest- I need prayers for courage, honesty, humility, God awareness, and acceptance! I thank my church for providing this website and I feel a step closer to coming out to restart this beautiful blessed life I have been blessed with! Thank you-

i've slept around

after my boyfriend and i broke up, i've felt the need to met new guys. unfortunetly, i've slept around...i feel so dirty and ashamed. i've asked God for forgiveness, but it's hard to understand that he's forgiven my sins and forgotten them. i am really trying to change my ways.

The man I love...

I've been married 3 times prior to this relationship. So, I thought that in taking my time I would be able to learn and grow with this man. I've only grown to be hurt by a lot of his words and the lack of other words. This is a guy whom I've spent almost 6 yrs. with. He can't even bring himself to tell me he loves me. Even when I beg him to. We have a child together. Although, she is not the reason I've chosen to stick it out. I know that marriage is something you work at and it isn't such a simple thing to keep going, but, should it be this hard?? He often tells me that it is my fault. That if it isn't "A___'s" way it is no-way. We could be feuding one minute and 20 minutes later he talks to me like nothing happened. He has me in such a confusion. Does he love me? Or doesn't he? I don't think he even cares that his words stab me. He almost acts bi-polar. I wish I could have a sign. I've given this to God. Evidentally, this is the guy to be with. I can only believe that God put me in this man's life to help him. If only I knew in what way. I so often feel done with this relationship. I feel exhausted and I know that he shares the same feeling. I hope and pray that he comes to church with me more often. Church is something I enjoy and I would love if he were to join the kids and I, but, he won't. He worships in his own way, so he says. ... I feel like I should be without him, but, why doesn't he go? He has the resources. So, through this latest series at church, "Freedom", I'm learning to put my rock down and give my troubles to God. I've been practicing this more often and feel more free, but, with him around I feel so bound. Dear God, please take this burden of this man off my hands. The life I have with him is full of ugliness. There's much disrespect, distrust, and dishonesty. The 3 biggest areas for disaster. If you could instruct me or better yet take this from me and do something about it. I will forever be your child. With this prayer, in God's name, AMEN

I'm so dependent on people it's like an addiction

I met with my Christian therapist today at church. I felt tremendous relief because after years and years of being in this addictive cycle of dependency on others I finally understood it. On the other hand what it will take to break this dysfunctional cycle scares me to death. Only God and I can free me from this addictive behavior. I seek attention in negative ways, which in turn repel the very people I'm seeking help from. These could be pastor's or therapists. I sleep with my cell phone in the hopes one of these "helper" type people will call me. That their words and prayers would be reassurring enough to calm me and make me feel better. But it's not working out that way. My behavior is only distancing those who once cared for me. Now they just see me as a "sick girl" and it scares them and they feel helpless. Tonight, only about an hour after therapy I called my therapist in a complete panic over my realization. This behavior has become a sick habit from an abusive childhood. But now I'm an adult and it's costing me friendships any hope of a marriage parnter. Tonight I prayed, I begged God to release me from this bondage. Even as I type this I'm reminded I was going to sleep with my cell phone in another room to avoid the temptation to make desperation phone calls, but I just can't do it. It's no different than an alcoholic needing a drink or a drug addict needing a fix. I feel so lonely that I derive my fix by seeking attention in negative ways, threatening suicide, or extreme panic just to get someone to pay attention to me. Dear God please forgive me for hurting those who try to help me and please free me from this behavior.

Proud of her and ashamed of myself

15 years ago I met a man and we began a relationship. This man was callous and controlling, an alcoholic and occasional drug user. He would stalk me at work, shopping or picking up my son from daycare. He would inspect my purse, my car and my underwear for what? I don’t know. He timed my showers and dictated my bedtime and when I could go to the bathroom and he forbid telephone conversations with my family and friends. Oh and I was his punching bag. He was evil to my son and to me. Just when we were able to get away from him, I found out that I was pregnant and we had a beautiful little girl. He ordered me to stay away from my baby girl unless I was feeding or changing her, since I already had a child there is no way that I could love her too and she belonged to him. We were finally able to get away from him with the help of a women’s shelter and he was awarded 50% custody even though he had already served 1 year weekend jail for hitting his baby girl. Eventually my kids and I moved to Las Vegas but my daughter would spend summer and spring breaks with her father in California. For a few years I did not realize how unhappy she was with her father until she was 11 years old and she told me that she didn’t want to visit him anymore. Then she proceeded to describe a life that I was all to familiar with. He would dictate what clothes she wore, how she combed her hair. He would forbid her to speak to the other kids in the neighborhood or play outside nor was she allowed to speak to me on the phone. She told me stories of how much and what alcoholic beverages he drank and that he would pass out and that she would not be able to wake him up. For the rest of his life, he will never know how scared she was when she could not wake him up. She said that she could no longer live in the prison that he called her home. My girl went into a deep depression and took to her bed, she was disobedient to her teachers, refused to talk to anyone or eat and had to go into counseling. There were only 2 things that got her out of bed…soccer and our church. It was her faith in a loving God who gave her the strength to deal with her feelings of hurt and anger she has for her father. She struggles with that still and she is happier now. I think she has forgiven but she has not forgotten and still refuses to see him until he stops drinking. She has found Freedom. I am proud of her for standing up for what she believes is right for her life and I am ashamed of myself. Deep down I knew the life she was living with her father and my fear of him kept me from doing anything to stop it until she stopped it. Watching her grow in her relationship with God and her belief in herself has given me the strength to finally deal with my feelings of anger and hurt, I also have forgiven but not forgotten. He would tell me about the dreams he had of how he would kill me and maybe one day he will, but I am no longer afraid. We pray for him everyday.

AN ADDICTION

I'M AN ADDICT AND I WAS TOLD I WOULD ALWAYS BE ONE. I NEVER THOUGHT LIFE WAS WORTH MEANING AND I NEVER HAD A LIFE THAT HAD A MEANING. I WAS EVERYTHING MY PARENTS SAID I WOULD BE. I WAS A FOLLOWER, I WAS A WHORE, I WAS NEVER AMOUNTING TO ANYTHING AND SO ON.
I TURNED 39 AND WAS AN ADDICT ON THE STREETS OF VEGAS.
I WAS A HOOKED ON DRUGS-SLAMING METH AND WAS A HOOKER. I HAD BEEN ONE FOR 3 YEARS. I WANTED TO DIE SO GOD CAME TO ANSWER MY PRAYER. PRAISE THE LORD I DIDN'T WANT TO GO SO GOD LET ME LIVE. THREE HOURS LATER I WAS IN DETOX.
WITH THE HELP OF MY CURRENT CHURCH I STAYED SOBER 3 YEARS. WITH THE HELP OF MY OWN BRAIN OUT BACK I WENT. 6 MONTHES WAS ENOUGH FOR ME TO KNOW I DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO GO BACK SO BACK TO CENTRAL I WENT.
THIS TIME I DECIDED I GOT TO STAY SOBER SO I STARTED READY THE BEBLE ANYTIME I DECIDED I WAS IN TURMOIL. AND NOW HERE I AM A YEAR LATER TRYING TO GIVE UP THE LAST CHEMICAL ADDICTION I HAVE CIGS. SO FAR I ONLY AM SMOKING 4 A DAY WHICH IS WAY DIFFERENT FROM MY 20 A DAY AND I'M ONLY RELING ON THE LORD. THANK YOU FOR THE FREEDOM PROGRAM I AM LEARNING THAT GOD CAN HANDLE EVERYTHING THAT I KNOW I CAN'T HANDLE AND ALSO I'M LEARNING GOD LOVES ME SO MUCH THAT HE HAS CHANGED ME AND MY LIFE SO MUCH. I NOW AM HELPING OTHERS. I LOVE BRINGING PEOPLE TO THE LORD AND I LOVE COMING CLOSER TO GOD AND THOSE I FELLOWSHIP WITH. I JUST THANK AND PRAISE THE LORD FOR ALL THAT HE HAS DONE AND ALL HE WILL DO. BECAUSE I HAVE 4 KIDS 2 MORE I'M ABOUT TO ADOPT, 1 FROM A FAMILY ON THE STREETS THAT MY DAUGHTER GOES TO SCHOOL WITH AND I DON'T KNOW HOW I COULD DO IT WITHOUT THE LORD. ALL GLORY AND HONOR IS HIS. EVERYONE NEEDS TO FILL THE LOVE I FILL. THANK YOU LORD. DEBBIE.

Scared to not succeed

I have been blissed with a beautiful wife, kids, family yet I have hurt them all in one way or another. Weather it was being violent, useing drugs, or screaming in front of the kids. I should be the happiest person in the world, but I have not worked in over a month, I didn't finish high school, and I'm so unorganized. I just purchased a business and feel that I have rushed into it. I'm trying to stay positive and drug free but do I deserve all I have??? Lord forgive me for all my sins!!

Divorce

I am 22yrs old and i am on my second divorce. I dont have any hurts or regrets from my first husband, but this second divorce is killing me. it hurts so bad. He is the love of my life. my second husband is a closet alcoholic who stopped hidding it when we got married. He is a very kind and loving person until he starts drinking. Then he is mentally and sometimes physically abusive. The things he has put in my head for the last four years is eating away at me. we tried conseling and we got back together but he was worse. he had some relationships while we were seperated and when we got back together he would put me down and compared me to him. now i am stuck here alone feeling no one can ever love me and that i am not good enough for anyone with my broken heart on the floor. i know i am better than this, but i cant seem to convence myself. I love him so much i just want him back but i know that unless he wants to put his family over his partying. I need to give this to God.

Drugs and lying

i have been going to my church for about4 months now, and it has helped me out a lot in that time, the first 3 mos i was still being a bad and doing otc drug inhigh amounts and getting high, when i went to a weekend student retreat it changed my life for the better, i have checked myself into rehab in Las Vegas, rehab is not nearly as bad as it seemed it was ging to be, and its actually somewhat enjoyable. I got about 4 months to spend in here and its going fasst so far, i have bee her for 10 days and i am feeling great, so i want to end with saying that even no matter how hard it seems, with god anything is possible. and rehab is great

Abuse and Betrayal

I was in an abusive relationship that led me to think I was no good as a person. I thought that with me keeping it all inside was the way to go on. I was told that I was physically, mentally and emotionally abused for 4 years. I felt that I had to deal with it because we had a child together. I found God in my life and He was the reason I am here and alive today. The abuse got to the point that I couldm't sleep at night because I was in total fear of what he might do to me next. When I finally went to church I felt the love that I needed to feel to make me a stronger person. I felt that I had no one on my side but it turned out that I only needed one person there and His love and that was God. He has made a huge impact on my life and I am very proud to stand today knowing that I am a good whole hearted loving women that has been through alot and has managed to make it. I am proud to say that God is in mine and my son's life. His grace gives me my strength.

Hard to let go

I'm having a hard time letting go to God a woman in my life. We dated for about 3 years. Some in a boyfriend/girlfriend type of way. Some in being just best friends kind of way. She is almost perfect for me. If she ever became the woman she says she wants to be (with God)she would be everything that I ever wanted in a woman. She has become my best friend. Some things happened and she has started to date another guy. We went through a month of barley speeking. I really miss everything about her. I do want a relationship back with her, but I don't really know if that is Gods will. I'm having a hard time letting it go to him. I'm also having a hard time trusting him if she isn't the one to bring the one into my life. Right now he has me slowing my life down and trusting in him. I have been kind of lying to myself and to others about not wanting to be with her and wanted to just say it and get it off my chest. I love her and miss her. However I want her to be happy and blessed and be the woman God wants her to be. So I guess I'm torn.

Infidelity

I have been unfaithful to my husband not through intercourse but mentally and orally. I knew better,I was in a 12 step program for years for codependency, sexual addition, and smoking pot weekly for over 30 years. Last week I went for 4 days without smoking pot.I know that through the LOVE OF CHRIST I can let go of that need to escape. I did it before. I must learn to tell myself no. I will no longer communicate with the person I sinned with. I have asked God for forgiveness from my sins. I have received forgiveness from myself also.
That's the hardest thing. Forgiving myself for violating my own standards. I used to never give the devil any power in my life until I looked at myself as a Christian and realized that evil is a very difficult thing to let go of when raised without boundaries. I would tell myself many excuses for the behavior I portrayed. I know now there have been times when I have been totally lustful without any shame, wild abandonment, and no reverence for the WORDS that I have been studying for a year now. I am in the Beth Moore study group and I pray that I have been forgiven enough by both MY GOD and Me, that I can hold my head up high and say I AM FORGIVEN AND REBORN IN MY LORD JESUS CHRIST AGAIN. I pray that is the way God looks at me as I am totally asking for forgiveness and believing that it has been bestowed upon me.
Thank you for creating this site and helping me to release my guilt and shame.
In HIS NAME I humbly pray,
Amen

False Intimacy

Over the years I have slipped into different situations involving promiscuous sex with men that I barely knew. Each time I was in bed with these strangers I was searching for love and intimacy with a partner who didn't really know who I was. I remember one time my so-called boyfriend said he loved me. It was our first date and I remember thinking, "If he knew I was a Christian he wouldn't love me." I was denying my faith every time I entered into one of these sexual encounters. It felt like "growth" when I started using the internet to meet men and I would type my real feelings instead of talking about them in person with my lovers. The internet dating scene provided a semblance of intimacy but was still a poor substitute for letting the opposite sex know who I was on the inside.

I became a small group leader and accepted the responsibility of spiritually guiding a group of women. Our group is founded on being non-judgemental towards each other. The closer I grew to God, the more the "hook up" relationships seemed wrong. Inside I have felt hurt, broken, disappointed and let down beyond belief every time I slept with a man thinking sex would lead to true love.

I suffered from low self-esteem. I am laying that down at the foot of the cross and claim the truth that I am wonderfully made by the creator of the universe. I am humbled that my Lord and Savior would forgive a sinner like me. Today I no longer disguise myself and freely let men know that I am a Christian. I am learning to not have sex outside of love, commitment and marraige and no longer degrade myself or my Lord. Thank you God for smoothing over my heart and for taking away all of the scars from those past shallow relationships.

... in Jesus name, Amen

leviticus 18

Since I have come to Christ and asked him to take over the mess I made. I read the bible thru and find some unspeakable sins. What do you do when the word of God reveals the detestable acts of the years long past. Leviticus chapter 18 tells me that i committed unspeakable unlawful sexual sins, I'm defiled and should be cut off from the people. I keep fighting thoughts of condemnation. I have cryed out over and over to God for forgiveness. I have repented but the thoughts come back, how do you know when God forgives?

affects of rejection

I struggle daily with the need to get the last word. Not because I think I am always right but out of a sense of revenge for what wrong people have commited against me in the past and now. This causes me to get angry quickly. I take it out in two ways.
First is at home with my husband. I get angry with him quickly and lose it. I thank God I don't curse at him anymore or say evil things as I did in the past, however I do yell and get sarcastic as well as I don't submit in anything.
He has hurt me in the past with affairs, not handling money correctly, a gambling and drug habit, and all the lies and running off. I forgive him when he asks but the more forgiveness he needs the more angry I get.
The second way I express myself out of rejection and with anger is with the people on the phone at work. Because it is a business ran by a Pastor I don't cross the line too far. However there have been complaints that I am rude and abrassive. I catch myself being this way often.
When I wake up in the morning I pray that i will handle life better. I start out with the best intentions. But once I mess up one time I stop trying. I need help. As a child I was molested many times and noone was punished. I have had many abusive relationships where noone is punished. My mom was mean to me and she gets to act like everything is fine now, while I continue to behave. My sister tormented the family and now everyone caters to her. I need to truly forgive. I am learning that if I remember what Jesus saved me from and how everyday God shows me mercy I do better with others.

I wonder if it's worth the struggle

I have an extremely controlling husband. He searches my car, phone, drawers, records phone conversations, writes a chronology daily about me. He picks my friends and tells me who I am allowed to bring around our children. Recently with the financial support of his mother he filed for divorce. He also liquidated our assets and bought himself a 47,000 truck without my knowledge all to make sure I got half of nothing. While I was out of the house he took our children and their things to his mom's house. The grounds for divorce were that I had a drug habit when in reality it was because I was tired of his medeling in my affairs that I had an affair. He made me out to be a junkie which was not true but left out the truth about the affair. His parents only hearing what he had to say built a small army of family members to go up against me. I did not know the extent of his plans until we went to court. He had many allegations but I had evidence that I was not a junkie and the school and softball leagues in town backed me up. He looked along with his attorney foolish. So did his mom. To make a long story short, I know he was hurt due to my affair but I really don't think he had to do the things to try to win custody of our kids that he and his mom have done. Now he decided he wants to reconcile and I honestly am afraid if he is capable of doing the things he did to me in court he capable of a lot more. I'm not so sure he isn't up to something. He had photos of drugs and paraphenilia claiming they were mine. He had pages from my journals in court and had it all out of context making me look suicidal. He had my most intimate thoughts and made them out to be something they weren't, he had detailed cell phone bills (i don't get them) He had been in my bank account recording all the activity, a gps system on my car, the neighbors taking notes of any and all activity going on at my house. What is it that he is up to now? His mom wants her money back from him and swore never to help him again since he went back to the junkie. Now he wants me to help pay his legal fees when I feel he should pay mine. I think what is best for the kids is that we stay together and I fear he will take them again. I live walking on eggshells and I can no longer pretend to be happy he is back. I hate his mom for trying to gain control of my kids and hate him for opening doors that have no place being open to the public. Even after he took the kids away I never questioned his abilily to be a parent, but now my children are traumatized they do not have a relationship with their grandmother and things are definately different around our house. I was a stay at home mom for 8 years spent 5 days a week volunteering in school, I was the webmaster for one of the largest softball leagues in the city, my children were thriving beautifully and now they are out of control and angry and I don't know if the right thing to do is to keep this marriage together at all. Recently I have found out much more that he was up to and that he would have stopped at nothing just to gain custody of the kids. The judge awarded me child support with 50% time with the kids so his plan failed. I just wonder if he is back because he was paying child support. I'm so confused about the whole thing and I fear he is planning an attack. I'm losing who I am due to fear of making a mistake and paying dearly for it.

So lonely

and i look to the wrong places to fill my loneliness. I meet men on the internet and have sex with them. I crave companionship so bad that I have posted ads and almost practically sold myself just to have someone in my life.

thoughts of suicide

oh, where do I begin?... deep down i know that i am a good person, a kind and giving person but lately i have felt absolutely hopeless and have actually thought of ending it all. i come from a great (but dysfunctional-like everyone else) family, have/had a great high paying job, own a beautiful home, buy designer things, am attractive but overweight. from the outside looking in- to most people, i have it all and i like it to appear that way... most wonder what could i struggle with? but little do they know how very lost i am... how very lonely i am. the last few years have been difficult... i changed careers, moved to a new city and completely lost myself. i stopped caring about my job, lying about working, not being true to me or my job. i used to have high work ethic- in fact was somewhat of a work-a-holic--it was my life, but lost it in my new career-- took advantage of my new freedom and now i am on leave from work and unsure that i can go back... not sure that I want to- i have no passion for my job other than the money and benefits ... and that shouldn't be the driver-- in fact, I think it has been the killer... additionally, i have secluded myself from most of my friends and family. if i do speak with them, i lie and say all is ok. my close family and friends know that i am sufferring a little-- think i am in therapy... i suffer from extreme low self esteem and a little perfectionism... yet i don't do anything about it.. i continue to feed myself in order to cover up the loneliness and continue to make excuses for not going to the gym.. i know how to lose weight however seem to put it off until 'tomorrow'... and lately i am overwhelmed with how much time/ years i have wasted waiting to lose weight... i feel like i have been waiting to live my life- watching it pass by not living and participating in it. And now to top it all off... i find myself in a huge financial predictament... i have loaned / invested most of my money (100K +)to a new friend that was in need of help/assistance... i have maxed out every credit card/ credit line with the hopes that my investment will turn around in the next few months. I thought it was the right thing to do-- help each other out... but i now wonder if i have been 'had' once again. He seems like a decent person... actually was the one who introduced me to my church and consistently encourages me to 'Go to God', but he lies to me about stupid things... and thens turns it around and makes me feel like i am the one to blame. i am so confused... and I am so overwhelmed with guilt ... from taking advantage of my work and not being true to me... and from continuing to not take good care of myself/ my body... and from turning all the good that God provided me into this awful mess... i have had many thoughts of ending it all but am fearful that i will not have eternal life. i don't like the person i see in the mirror... am ashamed of my past - things i have done, the way i have acted, things i missed out on and it haunts me everyday... i feel hopeless and feel that i am too old (mid 30's) to start again. i want to find myself again... the good giving honest soul... i want to care for my body and all that god gives me... i want my financial freedom again.. and above all, i want to fill my loneliness with good friends and family... and hopefully find someone to share the rest of my life with and start a family. This is my first step toward living a christian life... i want to find God and have a strong relationship with him... i need to Let Go and surrender myself to God. please pray for me

Trying to control my life

As a staff member of my current church, I have come to be part of a family and not just a church. However, three years ago, I came to Vegas with my husband to be stationed at his first base. I left 21 years of family and friends behind to come here. Six months after moving, I called my mother to ask to come back home. The Lutheran services on base did not fill my need for worship. I had no job and a low-income apartment with my husband using the only vehicle we had to get to the base each day for work. I knew God had put me in the wrong place and was going to move us by the end of the year. He did not move us, but He did change us. A military couple invited to the Easter service at my current church and we soon attended every Sunday morning. I found a job at a mortgage company. We became members of our church and joined a small group. Still convinced that I needed to pray harder for a permanent change of station, I applied for several positions at the church. Within a year, I landed a job. Now, 2 1/2 years later, my husband and I are weeks from moving to another base. And, for the first time, I am not sure I really want to go. God took my fears and changed my heart about Vegas.

addiction has torn me from living and loving

I have experienced uncensored grace more than once. God has taken all of my hurts, hangups, and habits away many times and I have continued to find them and live with them everytime. I cannot understand why I get it then relapse and turn right back into the realm of insanity. I cannot believe the bottoms I have hit only to hit them again and again. I get to the point where I think I am God and I can do it all alone and bam right back to where I left off. I cannot kick meth for my life. I have done it and felt soooo goood only to screw it up again. The wierd thing is I don't even like it. I can feel I'm dying I can see I'm aging and yet I chose to get high again and again. I surrender only to take my will back. I need to know how to stay clean and live in the will of God. It's so strange I tell myself God must want me to be high because he always puts the drug right in front of me. I'm at a loss I truly am grateful for this series of freedom yet I lie to myself and justify my actions and I hate myself for it. I just wish it would go away.

mother

I told my mother that I wanted her to die. She didn't forgive me before she died, she told my brother and my brother is angry with me. I cared for her and him for 12 years.

Fear is taking over

I am a 16 year old girl who has O.C.D. (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) It really hinders my everyday actvities. I have to do things a certain amount of time, or do things that would be considered "odd" to other people; but make total sense in my own mind. It is horrible, because I am embarrased and ashamed of it, and I fear if I tell my really close friends, they will think im weird or strange and not want to be friends with me anymore. It just is horrible to deal with, and I'd love to have my friends there for me, atleast one of my best friends...but i'm scared that she'll think i'm weird. We're really close and I don't want to ruin that friendship. I am a strong christian and I pray to God about it. Infact one time, I prayed and just broke down and cried, because I want this burden to be lifted. I just want to be freed from this weight that is on my shoulders so I can live a normal life.Sure I have some good days...but I also have my bad days, and I just hope that the good days will outweigh the bad days eventually. Sometimes I'm ready to give up, and just go with the fact that I'll always be this mentally odd person and it's just who I am, and I mean sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore. I really would love to share this with my friend and my gut instinct says that she'll just be there for me and not care about the little quirks I have, because it's not like I show them, I'm not weird acting around her and she won't think i'm weird, but then again in the back of my mind, i'm afraid that she will think im weird and end one of the best friendships i've ever had. What I'm going to do? I don't know. One thing I do know, is I'll keep praying to God about it, and do my best to get through it as well as I can, with the support of my family.

I depend on other people too much

When I hear how difficult it is for some people to ask for help, I just can't relate. My problem is that I ask for help too much and some people get easily overburdened by my requests. So much so that I've even had Pastor's stop talking too me because they sense I'm too needy or klingy. I've been diagnosed with something called, Dependent Personality Disorder and I know much of my "neediness" stems from this, however it's no excuse for my putting others who would normally be helpful in such difficult positions of feeling overwhelmed and even exhausted. I don't trust my own thoughts and therefore feel the need for almost constant reassurrance from others. It's exhausting for me too and because of this intense "need" for attention of all kinds I find myself alienated from having a really close group of friends. Dear God, PLEASE free me from this emptiness, this habit, this hang up, this addiction.

Living a Lie

As I attend church and listen to our Pastor talk about changing your life and living the way God intended, the pressure of this lie is building and I don't know how to fix it.

The truth is, I am lazy. Not, won't get out of bed lazy, but I don't want to do much of anything lazy. I have a great job that has allowed me to work from home, be available for my kids, volunteer and pays really well. But I don't want to do the work. I would rather surf the internet, go to lunch with my friends and do my own thing.

Now I am being threatened with being fired, justly. But I am so comfortable with being lazy, that I can't bring myself to change.

I have tried looking for another job. But the reality is I don't want to work. My family could not survive without my income because we live so far above our means.

I have tried to cut back on our spending, but most of what we spend it on our kids activities and needs.

I am tired of living this lie. I wish I could just find a way out.

Affects of Betrayal

I've been divorced now for about 14 months after 27 years of marriage and ministry together. Although she had three affairs throughout our marriage and though I should easily be able to let her go - I can't! I live alone now and cannot seem to get anything going. My self-confidence is a wreck, primarily due to the fact that I couldn't save my marriage - I guessed I'm shamed because of that. I am having an extremely hard time seeing a future...

I've been on two dates but...

Hurting

Losing hope?

All my life, I've been raised in a Christian family, taught that Jesus loves me and that God is in control. I've lived my entire life knowing these things to be true.

Lately, a lot of things have been going on in my life. I'm a teenage boy. In fact, I've just hit 17. I'm faced with all the generic teenage troubles of peer pressure. Drinking, drugs, sex, and the like. I'm proud to say, I'm a virgin, and I'm planning to stay that way until marriage. I've also never used any sort of controlled substance. I've never had more than a taste of wine that my parents have allowed me.

In all that I feel a sense of self worth in the fact that I'm different from so many other people my age. But there has always been this clawing idea in the back of my mind. I've done (or have not done) all these things in my life, and I have nothing to show for it.

I feel myself breaking apart. I feel myself longing for that girl sitting next to me, aching for more than friendship. My mind, not set on sex, but on the idea of that relationship I see all around me in school and in life. I feel myself falling to pieces because I don't have that special relationship with someone. There is this thought in the back of my head that pushes forward. "You don't have that because you're so 'good.'" "You'll never have that because you won't do what all the other guys do."

It makes it all feel as though it's not worth it. Why am I doing all of this? Why aren't I getting high with my friends, or getting drunk at all the parties I go to? Why don't I just sleep with her? Why don't I just throw it all away? What good has any of this done for me?

I know this is childish, but 17 years is a long time to wait. I really don't know if what I'm doing is worth it anymore.

Forgiveness for Hurting a Loving Spouse

I am a 60 year old woman who married a genuinely kind man with a wonderful heart almost a decade ago, but instead of appreciating all the wonderful traits he possesses and putting him and his needs first, I placed him directly behind my grown children's needs and wants, which ended up bringing us to financial ruin and now we're both struggling in the latter years of our life, when we could have had a comfortable lifestyle. I also pointed out all of what I saw as his shortcomings during the process, never once looking in the mirror to see the imperfect person I am. Now, almost a decade later, he has found someone that he hopes will be the right person to share the remainder of his life with and wants a divorce because he no longer feels love for me in his heart. He loved me so much in the beginning that I foolishly believed he always would, no matter what and took him for granted. Now, my heart is broken because too late I truly realize what I have lost. He says he has forgiven me and I know that God has, but I'm having a harder time forgiving myself, especially when I think about all the hurt and pain I caused him by not being the loving wife he deserves. Please remember both of us in your prayers.

starting over w/ my dad before its too late

As a little girl, my dad worked 17, 18 and sometimes 19 hours a day so my mom could stay home and take care of me, my brother, and sisters. I barely saw my dad when I would wake up in the morning and by the time he came home, I was already asleep. I saw him very little throughout the week and on the weekends he was busy doing outside chores, taking care of house fix-its, and helping my brother with his baseball. Everything had changed when we moved to vegas when I was 12 years old and he was no longer working those hours, my mom had to get a job and my dad was home more often. All of a sudden he wanted to take the power away from mom and make all the decisions/rules. I can't put all the blame on my dad, he was an angry man from being in vietnam. These anger issues were never let go and never taken care of until recently. He is learning. Now that I am 24 years old and my parents are getting older I have come to realize that my mother is my best friend and I don't know who my dad is. One weekend I took my dad out to dinner while my mom was out of town, it was very uncomforting. I had no idea what to talk with my dad about and we barely had a conversation. It was like pulling strings from me and him to speak to one another.

My hurt in all of this is, I love both of parents dearly, they have done amazing things in my life. However; I am afraid that I will never know who my dad is if I don't get up the courage to find out who he is. I am afraid that he will think I am being silly and he won't understand how I feel. He has opening admitted and apologized for not being around and for being an angry man growing up and I have forgiven him. But I would like to continue to grow in our relationship by starting over, a second chance if you will! For starters I don't even know what my dad's favorite color is or if he even has a favorite color.

Hurt relationships

I continually seem to sabatoge friendships and other relationships. I wait until things are going smoothly and stop working... waiting for the disaster to hit I send up smoke signals of distress and wait to be saved. I act like the victem and don't want to take account for my actions. I am scared of not being perfect and try to hide the fear by always being sick or hurt. This action usually excuses me from even trying. If I don't have to participate then I won't have to fail infront of anyone. If I don't stand up for something then I won't be wrong. If I agree with everything then I will be safe from judgement. If I make sure everyone is happy then there will never be any pain... I am not perfect...I am sorry, I am human and I want freedom from the salvery of perfection! Help me God to heal the hurt that my actions or lack of actions has caused my friends, family, and co-workers over the years!

Purchased a business the owner frauded us

We purchased a business in 11/05 as an absentee owner. Found out that the owner had made fraudulent sales, fraudulent cash flow to sell the business.

we obtained an SBA loan, the president of the bank assured us that the business was price right and that there was sufficient cash flow to pay the loan and give us a nice income.

After owning it for 16 mo. the sales never transpired or the cash flow. We were running negative sales and cash flow.

We are now going to have file bankrupcy and lose our two homes that we had for collateral to the bank.

My husband quit his job in effort to save the business.We are now without his income and no longer have a business.

How do we go on?

Hurt My kids

When the day is long and I am overwelmed I yell, when I am tired and worried I yell, when I realize how awful it is that I can not deal with my life and turn and yell at my kids I am completely ashamed. They dont deserve to be yelled at. I pray God helps me so I dont distroy his precious gift to me.

Fear & Fat

I have been attending my church for 2 1/2 years and got Baptized 3 weeks ago. I struggled with worthiness and healed enough to except Jesus as my savior and to except he loves me. As I sat in church this past weekend I had a big Ah ha! I have always struggled with my weight. I wonder why I sabatoge myself for each time I get the weight off I put it back on. Then I felt God wisper to me a piece of information about myself. I hid behind my fat. I grew up feeling unwanted. My parents divorsed when I was 4 and the rug was pulled out from under me. My dad never explained anything to me and was never there emotionally for me. I used sex to fill the void. For brief amounts of time I would feel wanted. Those experiences left me with more hurt then what I already was feeling. I didnt know I was giving up my self-respect and self esteam. Although that all happend many years ago, it left me with stuff I struggle with today. Now I am married to a great guy with great kids. I can not handle attention from men. When men look at me I am fearful of that part of me that looked to sex to fill a void. I believe my weight is me wanting to protect myself. If Im fat I wont draw attention to myself and I wont have temptation!
I have been faithful and am a good wife and mom, but like an addict I fear the temptation. I know my life is way different now and I am full of Gods love and my familys love. Its just hard to escape the demonds that are in the past.

relationship of Love

I was very harmed and hurt by someone that mentally and emotionally attempted to pull my self-esteem down. The lies were all over And if it weren't for the fact that i was concisitnantely going to church and other daily activities that other poeople could see what was going on. I would of bought the lie too. However, through my consisitant dission to keep the kindgom of God first. many thign sjust some out of the dark into the light. That happen even for my own soul healing. There were many things i was wrong in, and allowed the darkside of life to tell me its ok. But through my perserverence to do what would help me keep growing. I have been able to be released from alot of monkeys off my back. And some have been Gorilla's. However with support and deiciding not to feed the monkeys or gorilla's anymore. they fall away. what do I do with the parts they were negative, that fell away. More good living and positive Loving-kindness and tender-mercies. There were so many things I really was told were right for me, and they were just aways to attempt to control the spirit of truth that wants to flow. Jesus has forgiving me of so many things, and i have repaid in ways that cleaned my slate up. God I believe is going to make a ways for me in some areas that needed to be turned round along time ago. And it is my belief they are turning for the better now. So my own self-worth comes to LIFE again. And i am moving in the spirit of LOVE. The Love HE said I can have.Being healed, and the pain, torment, pressure of what was a lie, is being released off of me and deliverence is now. Please keep praying..

Everyone else is having children except us!

We have been married for the past four years now and no children. My hubby has a child from a previous marriage, but we have none together. Lately, it seems as if everyone else around me is getting pregnant. I love the Lord with all of my heart and I am trying not to grow bitter with the situation. I us to be fruitful and multiply just as God has commanded us to do. Please pray for us!

Did I give up too quickly?

On my marriage...at the time I felt I was the only one putting time, effort into staying together. My ex didn't want to participate in counsoling, and when confronted with accusations he had been unfaithful, he turned the spotlight on his accuser -- "He's always had it in for me" -- and never, never, NEVER denied it. Our daughter is now 8 years old (she was 2 1/2 when we divorced) and at times, I feel it's my fault she's growing up without a father (by the way, he lives 10 minutes away and only sees her once or twice a year at her dance recitals. Nice, eh?). I worry that my daughter will have issues with men in the future. She shouldn't have to pay for her parents' failures...

I'm mad at him for not fighting for me, for our marriage, for our daughter, for our family, for our future.

will he hear where i am coming from

Its been difficult , there have been many things that have been thought said and done towards me to undermine my own intergrity as a women of God.

I resent married couples

I'm new to my church. I just started going three weeks ago. I've been a Christian since October 11, 1992. I grew up with my parents divorcing when I was 7 (my dad had an affair and left). Then my mom married an alcoholic when I was about 10. She stayed with him for 'financial' reasons until the day he died in 2005. So where I got this notion that I would get married and "live happily ever after" I don't know. But that was my vision. I got married to an abusive alcoholic when I was about 19. I left him a couple of years later (no kids). I then moved to Vegas because my parents were living here and met my second husband two months after I got here. We were married in 1983 and I had my son in 1984. My husband was controlling, had anger issues, insecurity issues, smoked pot and was very controlling. I felt like I was losing myself. My daughter was born in 1991 with heart problems. She received her first pacemaker at 16 months. He had said that he always wanted kids but what he really wanted was to remain a bachelor and take vacations (on his own) two or three times a year and still have the little wife and kids that ran into his arms when he returned home. He had several affairs. Some I didn't even know about. The last one I investigated myself and caught him. I was miserable. I felt like my life was over. But I said I would forgive him. He did nothing to show that he even cared or wanted the marriage to work. He still yelled at me and the kids. He still smoked pot. And he still went on 'his' vacations. The last one he went on before I left him was to Thailand. He came back with pictures to show me and the kids with these Thai girls kissing him in a bar. He also brought back two pearl necklaces and asked me to choose which one I wanted. I asked him who the other one was for and he said it was for ******, his ex-mistress. Because they were still "friends". So that was it, I had to leave. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. But it was more important to me to show my daughter that this type of marriage was unexceptable. I wanted her to see that I respect her and myself enough to not be treated like that. But I do find myself looking at married couples everywhere I go and envying what they have. I don't hate anyone. Not even my ex. But I'm angry because my dreams were shattered. Now that I put all this down I'm crying. My anger is coming out in tears. I guess this is a one step closer to healing.

Hate toward my ex-husband

I want to forgive him for all of the pain he has caused me, I have to tolerate him everyday because we have a daughter. When she was two he wanted a divorce (had an affair). We had a business together he promised me a payoff for my share of the business. But then denied doing so at a later date.We went to court, it was dreadful, he broke into my house to find anything incriminating on me. He would do anything to hurt me because he wanted to win the court case. Lied under oath. By that time it was so stressful for me, I just wanted to settle. And that is what we did, during court. How do I get past all the hate, lies and deceit to forgive? MAN, IT"S GOING TO BE HARD!! But, I have hated how I have felt inside regarding him. It is not me to hate. I feel better already just writing it down. I guess with the Lords help, and one day at a time it will get better.

addiction

I have been struggling in all areas of my life. I have been attending my church for 8 weeks and everytime I go to church I cry. I did not realize all the pain that I was dealing with. I have had a gambling problem as long as I can remember. It is destroying my whole life. I also was dating a verbal abuser.(since our break up I decided to give church a try. My children are out of control. I cant think of any aspect of my life that is not upside down at this moment..Except church I thank God for my pastor his words of wisdom are repeated over and over in my mind. Slowly but surely I am starting to heal. I used to sit in the back of the church now I am in the first few rows. I am beginning my spirtual road and already I feel better and stronger.

Habit

i do things that unpleasing to god eyes .. i have a bad habit its seem its hard to quick...

I hate my family.

I am like everyone else in the way that my childhood was not the most pleasant. There was a lot of abuse from all angles; mom, dad, sisters, and brothers. It was the defenition of a dysfunctional home. I was pick on emotionally and physical beaten. When I was 11 my parents divorced and nothing got better until I moved away from my dad and into my mother's house at 13. Home life was more positive and pleasant. But after 13 years of violence I found myself hating my family members. I haven't forgiven any of them yet and I am 24. It kills me inside to know that I am still carrying all of that resentment around with me every where I go. I'm realizing I not only need to forgive them but I need to forgive myself. I want to hand it over to God. I don't want that weight on my shoulders any more. I want to create closer relationships with my family. I don't want to hate anymore.

my past and sin

well what can I say, I was raised not even knowing that my parents had past away till I was almost 10 years old. I always felt I didnt belong and all my family seemed to have there own lives. I had to learn how to be a growimg person all on my own. I never got to learn all those wonderfull things that "rents" are supposed to teach you. I struggled all my life trying to reach out to people to be my friends and at the same time lashing out so that way I wont be let down like all the rest of my family had. I dropped out of school at 18 and then I was on my own, moved out, lived with a girl I wasnt even in love in. It just felt good since I was with somebody, then we had to, no need money so I allowed and accepted my then girlfriend to be a hooker so we can make money to live.I never thought I could stoop so lw, but I did it. After that I just didnt care anymore I didnt know how to take care of myself. I finally came to Jesus once when a ex-girlfriend took me to her church ans I was doing fine till I let my past issues and demons surface. I moved to Vegas and I thought I could move away from all my issues, they just followed. I paid for personal intimicay and I cheated left and right. I now have a woman who loves me for me and accepts me for me, loves me uncoditionally and even I still have done things I am not proud of I know my renewed relationship with GOD and Faith will get me through. I just need to remember that I am loved and safe and wanted.

I struggle with my past

I struggle constantly with things in my past. Good things and bad things. I hold on to memories and events that happened and wish the good things never changed and the bad things never happened. I have been a christian all of my life. Raised in a great christian family. I believe in God's grace and know he has forgiven me, but I still get hung up on these things every once in awhile, and they begin to consume me. Maybe for a day, maybe for a week. How do I leave them at God's feet, and truly walk away from them? When and how is it possible for me to realize today is so much more precious than the past, whether it's yesterday or 20 years ago?

Touch me

I am truly addicted to sex. I find it in theatres, walking through malls and even at work. I've had sex with 3 different people in a single day. Both men and women. I am a 33 year old male. Who loves the fall in Green Valley. My favorite words are "Blueberry Christmas." I love my family, my friends and God. I know though, with my sins, that he will never let me into his paradise. I am undeserving. I will forever be in winter and never fall. As I am now bitter cold. I just can't help myself. Sex finds me so easily and I cannot resist the temptation. This letter sounds silly but I think I need help.
P.S. Feel free to use this letter at one of your services. I need the advise. I don't think I will ever confront anyone with this problem.

forgiveness of self

i have stolen all of the money that was deposited into a cd account for my daughters from a traffic accident

FACE REALITY

I am a single mom. I was involved with a married man. In the beginning, I was not aware he was married. He lied. By the time I realized the truth, I was pregnant, and "in love" whatever! This had gone on for 12 years, my life is a mess. It has been 12 years of lies, pain, struggle. I am now trying to get over so many things that led up to this destructive relationship. I was molested by a family member. I was raped again in adult life by a stranger (home invasion) I have hurt several people with my behavior. I do not use drugs or alcohol, however, I was destroying myself, which is more lethal than any drug. I have always believed in GOD. I was just in a frame of mind where I needed attention, need to be needed. I wanted to be loved. I had a fairy tale in my head and unfortunately, my prince charming never showed up. I am now in debt.Trying to make it as a single mom of (3) on one income, I fell victim to payday loans. I am struggling to get them paid off. I will, I have prayed to GOD to help me. I believe GOD led me on this path in order to see that this was not for me. My sons love me, my mom loves me and my GOD loves me. I will be ok. I know my life is on a new path and GOD loves me and is guiding me. I turned my life over to GOD. His will for me is far better then my will for my life. GOD knows my heart, he knows my desires. He knows all the sins...I have asked forgiveness. My goal is to be a better mom, spend more time with my mom and let GOD guide my. I delcare March 11, 2007, the day I DUMPED MY JUNK. The day I FACED REALITY!
Thank you to my pastor and my church family!

TRUST

I have battled with trust my whole life.
Trusting a father to be there for me only
end up leaving me in the end.Trusting a
Mother to love me for me only to be told i
would end up an abusive husband,an alcoholic,
a drug abuser,because those were the kind of
men she would end up with.An Aunt who molested
me when i was little,to countless relationships
that have failed in the past do to the others
killing my trust for them.Now i'm faced with
yet another trust problem.Because i have a
problem with trust i've hurt the last person
in my life i ever wanted to hurt, my Wife.
I don't show the love she deserves.I don't
notice the little things that are important
to her.I don't say i love her as much as i
should,and so on.Now i'm faced with the
fact i might loose her,not because of
something she did,but because of something i
didn't do, (TRUST HER).Please Lord help me
to change. Not just for her,but for me.
I'm tired of feeling this way,i'm tired of
hurting others,most of all my family.

Is it love?

I love my boyfriend with all of my heart, but is this the right thing to do? I feel he's brought me down instead of build me up. I wish he understood...

I keep coming back to him

My boyfriend. I keep coming back to him no matter how he acts or how he acts up. He gets so mad at me that once he punched me in the face and made my nose bleed. He's not a christain, but I am, but if I don't live in his family's house with him, I'll have nowhere to go...I need help and I need prayer.

Everything is going wrong

My father hit me and I hit him back. He called the cops, so I went to jail. I also lost my job after that, HAD to move out of his home, and is now moving from home to home just to survive. I'm living with my boyfriend, but I'm beginning to beleive that he's not a good influence on me. I need a place where other Christians and followers will help me and influence me. I $10,000 in debt and I just got a part time job. I'm looking for more out of life than living in doubt and falling out of hope. I love the Lord and trust in him, but lately I haven't been able to find peace in my heart. I need help. My boyfriend and I are going to end up apart, and I won't have anywhere to go. Is God here for me now?

lying

Sometimes I get so full of pride that I can't admit when I have done something wrong so I lie to try to get myself out of it. I feel like such a hypocrite, because most people think of me as this great person. But really I'm know different than anyone else. I am a sinner as well.

I'm addicted to pain killers

I take pain killers every day. I don't need them and never have. i just love the way they make me feel. I wake up and the only thing i eat is a couple of pills, then 4 or 5 more times a day i take more. I spend 200 or more a week on them. It seems like when i do want to stop, they are easier to get.

i'm lonely so I eat too much, smoke too much, etc.

but the bottom line is, I don't feel worthy of love...I feel so guilty about my past actions or inactions. Guess what? I can't accept that I am not perfect, & I always feel like a failure.
It's hard to believe that Jesus loves me as is...

Torn

I'm begining to feel as if I'm slaping God in the face for all the love He has poured into my life. I hunger to grow with God all the time, to make God and I's relatinship #1 above all others in my life. Sadly enough, in knowing all of this I still want so badly to have fun enjoy a few drinks with friends and at the same time to already be heading down the road to starting my own family. One of the hardest things I'm dealing with is how can I finally let go and let God have all of my heart and stop giving my time and love away to someone who doesn't want it and is not even ready for it. I would love so badly to start my life with the one I'm meant to be with already, but again that is where I'm torn. I know that God has the one for me all planned out, but I just feel like saying "Ok God I've had my alone time now really please pretty please, just let me start my life with my one already!" I've had my share of heart break, I'm ready for love at the right pace though. Don't get me wrong I love my alone time still, BUT (you knew that was coming haha) I want to share it with my one and the time with God to be shared as well, see what God has in store for us and doing His will.

So all in all if any of that makes sense I'm glad, other than that I just feel that even though I know the truth it still put a stab to the heart not knowing how much longer I will have to wait and the fear of always sounding like a broken record.

I am a victim of lonliness.

I moved to Las Vegas nine years ago with the intent of starting a great job. I have always been a very independent person so I was not afraid to move to a place where I knew no one. Very quickly it became clear that the career I had chosen came with a great amount of stress. In addition, I was very lonely and it seemed difficult to find people with whom I had things in common. One night I decided to have a glass of wine and it changed my life. I felt like I could relax and the lonliness didn't matter. Soon after it seemed like I drank everyday and then it turned into bottles of wine daily. All of a sudden I had become an alcoholic which I had never thought would happen to me. I have kept it a secret because I am ashamed of my behavior. I have never admitted this out loud or on paper. I pray that God would fix what is broken in me.

Adultry

I have commited adultry. I want out. I know that I have betrayed my husband and my children. Because of this, I have also commited many other sins to cover up. My kids are Christans, and I feel I can never forgive what I have done to them and their father. My daughter is a member of a church. That has blessed me. I live 750 miles away, and am an active member of my church here. It is very small church and I feel that my daughter's church is also my "other church" home. I don't know how to be forgiven, even thought I am a child of God. I am afraid that my confessions are not done in the proper way and that I am not forgiven.

freedom from debt

I am struggling with my finances I can never get ahead I am always behind on my bills and I owe everyone money

Cheating

I have cheated on my husband many, many times. I was trying to find love in all the wrong places. I needed to feel wanted and desired. First I would get drunk, then hook up with someone, go have sex and then cry afterwards. I feel so guilty about it that I almost lost the one man who loves me the most.

I think sometimes God does make mistakes

My life has been Hell. Seriously. I was molested from the age of 4 till the age of 10 by two different men. I have been raped by a "Boyfriend" who was a State Trooper when I finally got the courage and strength to say "No" to sex before marriage. I ended up pregnant and had an abortion after trying to kill myself twice. My Mom died one month before I turned 11, my Dad accidentially killed himself on my 29th birthday. He was an alcoholic all his life, and had been married 6 times. The 5th wife treated me like a slave, and said hateful things to me daily. She also liked to smack me around, and encouraged my Dad to drink and join her in smacking me around. I ended up looking for ANYONE to really love me and blew it with believing men who said they loved me and that they were different so I would have sex with them. I don't stay in a job more than 2 years. I feel like I am supposed to be doing something else, but I don't know what. I am smart and educated, but I am DUMB. I will not have my own kids because I am afraid I will die too young, or that someone will molest them like I was. I would kill anyone who did that to my kids. I have a wonderful husband now, but his ex-wife is sheer evil and tortues us through his daughter, who uses us only for money and things she wants. There is SO much more. But writing it is too depressing. But I truly feel that God makes mistakes sometimes, because He made me, and gave me to parents who should have never had kids.

I try to CONTROL my relationships

Seems every relationship I am in ends up as a failure, I finally figured out that it's my controling, untrusting nature that drives them away. How do I get rid of this behavior? I so desperately want to trust the man I love, they do nothing to make me NOT trust them... it's just my natural instinct to question their every move. I haven't always been this way, but after two failed marriages (the second one was a disaster, because he constantly lied to me) so now I don't trust men in general. My current boyfriend is a great man of God, I love him dearly and DO NOT want to control him or second guess his every move, because lord knows he doesn't deserve it! Help me God to have enough faith in our relationship that I won't need to be this way again.

I had an affair

My husband of 20 years was slowly becomming an alcoholic. I spent many nights alone with my children making up excuses as to why dad was "asleep" on the couch or why dad was always grouchy. This absolutely does not give me an excuse to have an affair but I did. That was five years ago. I am now divorced. I just can't seem to get over my actions.

Gambling

I'm dealing with a gambling addiction for 5yrs now. It is a habit that is ruinig my marriage and our finances. Today I leaving my addiction of gambling her at uncensoredgrace. Praise Jesus I'm on my way to be set free from this!! I thank Jesus for forgiving me for my addiction to gambling!

I’m a Christ-follower, but I don’t like Christians

I’m a Christ-follower, but I don’t like Christians. I don’t like what we’ve done to the world. I may have not been personally involved in the Crusades, slavery, witch hunts, or the killing of Native Americans (and the list goes on), but I don’t always represent Jesus either. I want to say “I’m sorry” to the entire world for all the pain and hurt we’ve caused. Jesus said to help the poor and the homeless and the sick. I think I’ve helped feed the homeless once. I see the poor and think if I give them money, they’re just going to buy alcohol or drugs with it. I’ve never visited a sick person in the hospital (that I didn’t know anyway). Jesus wasn’t selfish, but I am. I do not always represent Him and for that, I’m sorry.

I only feel loved through sex

I find it impossible to feel loved and connected in a relationship until sex is involved. I feel very depressed and alone if I have not had sex in a while. I sometimes feel that I have nothing else to offer in a new relationship, or while trying to create a new relationship, so I jump in too fast. Then by 'giving in' too soon, either me or the guy loses interest quickly. I find it truly impossible to wait though, just out of my own desires - they are so incredibly strong sometimes that I literally have no control. I feel so guilty and sleazy - this is supposed to be a man's problem not a woman's.

I've over extended my payday

I know that its my fault for getting myself into this, but I was having problems paying my bills as well as, living on a level that I shouldnt have been living on, and turned to 4 payday loan companies to help. Now its to the point that I have money for nothing else but the interest.
I realize that God forgives, but I just keep messing up.
How am I going to get myself out of this?

I obviously feel like a failure, once again. and I just don't know,that God is going to help me out of this.

I want to be right

I want to be right and have all the answers. I want to fix your problems and act like I don't need help. I forget where I came from and who I was:

When I was young, I was addicted to sex. I molested my brother and sisters and fantasized constantly. I spent years in juvenile detention and treatment recovering from and atoning for my sins. I was a loner. I had no friends. I hated my life. My father beat me, my mother, and my siblings. I was poor. I was a thief. I lied habitually. I was a bad loser. I thought of myself first in every situation.

If not for the uncensored grace of God, I would be as good as dead. Maybe worse. My junk gives me perspective when compared to the infinitely different creature I am today.

worry and fear

Worry and fear have kept me from having peace,and without peace it stole my joy for to long. Now I choose to do what I can, do what is right an give it all to God, and in return, he gives me peace and restored my JOY!

I failed as a wife

I had been married for 2 years. My husband had issuses. He was bounced from home to home. His mom beat him. I understand that. I undestand he was not very loving. I was a good wife I took care of all the bills, all the hous work and cooked. He refused to do anything he did not want to do and, that inculeded church. I stoped going to. I knew it was worng but I lost my way. He wanted a painting business. He did it. The business failed. He wanted to fly. I paid 250$ for books. He did not go to school. the list gos on and on. I stood it there. he went out of the state to work. he said he had work. he did for tow weekd then he would ove on to the next job. he wnated me to move out there. I have a son and a good job I put my foot down. I said no. when he came home I told him he needed help. he wnat off the deep end and said he was leaving. I begged him for us to see some one. he refused and left. I did every thing a good wife should. we still got a divorice. I just wish I knew how to fix it but I did not. I failed

I fell in love with a person of the same sex

I do not know if it was love or not but i do know i had fellings. I have never felt that way with girl. I am not gay. I do not under stand what it was

Freedom from feelings of inadequacy

I am a smart, successful, fun person with a wonderful career, my own home (two of them, actually) and two wonderful children, but my divorce has left me feeling unattractive and inadequate as a woman. The few relationships I've had since have not shown my any differently. I am jaded into thinking men in this town (Christian or otherwise) are not interested in a relationship, but more of a trophy to show they have something or someone to show as theirs. Please pray for me to find myself and conquer my fear of allowing someone to love me as I am, rather than strive to be someone someone else wants. God Bless.

Gambling!!!

I too am addicted to gambling and so don't want anything to do with it anymore! I am leaing it here! Dumping my junk! Praise God!!!!

I turn to alcohol so I can feel NUMB

and all I really want is to feel LOVED.

blew it as a father

i should of spent more time with my kids and invested more into them. our relationship is tough now and its because i wasnt around for them. wish i could do it over.

i live with a lot of guilt.

I am afraid of everything

I am afraid of being hurt, attacked, lost, in a wreck, used etc. To the point of complete isolation.

I have more anger inside than love

and it is impeding my spritiual growth.

I am addicted to the image of perfection

at ALL times, even if it hurts those around me.

White lies

Sometimes I color the truth to make myself look better. I feel convicted and want to be totally honest with others and with God.

i am insecure in my marriage

i have been married for over 10 years and i dont feel secure in my relationship. My wife is beautiful and repeatedly tells me that I never have to worry. She is always there for me. But I see the way other people look at her and wonder to myself why she IS with me. It's always seemed like she can do better than me. I just want to be able to feel that I am good enough.

Addicted to hate

For my ex boyfriend.

I hate my ex-boyfriend...I shouldn't.

So...I'll stop hating him...as soon as I can.

I need to let go of anger

I need to let go of my anger and be free of it. Too much bottled up inside of me and too many things that I'm letting dictate my emotional state.

God please help me be free and happy.

I am experiencing Spiritual Vertigo!

I want to have equilibrium in regards to spiritual things. I want to Trust God more and myself less.I know what to read and where to go,but how do I actually live it?

i love gay sex

what do people do who love gay sex?

forgiving a friend

I really want to let go of this anger that I have towards a friend who has hurt me. I know I need to let it go but it is hard.

Pray for me.

I AM . . . ADDICTED TO GAMBLING!!!!!!!!

I AM . . . ADDICTED TO GAMBLING!!!!!!!! And God knows how much I want to quit! So I am now dumping it here!