finding my purpose

im a divorced single parent in my 20's.i got pregnant my senior year of high school which didnt leave many choices for a CAREER. i tried community college on and off and a trade school. since i got divorced a few years ago it left me in a big financial rut. i had bad credit card addictions tht im still paying for.it has also caused me to live w my mom for the past 2 yrs.im currently in a job that doesnt provide any financial freedom, but becuase i went to school for this trade i feel like i shud stick with it.i guess the real problem is im sticking with the job becuase i dont know what else to do.i would love to move out of my moms,but im drownding in debt. i feel like i cannot make any right decision. sometimes im so unhappy w/ my life because it never seems to be going in the right direction. i have no idea what i want to do with my life. my major goal is to be independent for myself snd my child. im constantly feeling lost and dont know what my purpose in life is. i want to provide a comfortable lifstyle for my kid, but cant seem to find the path that puts me in that direction.

Wow! it just keeps coming! One bad thing after ano

And people keep telling me I'm so strong. What? I feel like I'm not even alive. But I do, I just keep going. So much bad stuff I don't even want to really take the time to write it all down. I'll only get depressed. I just don't know how to make it stop! I feel like I'm not living the life I want to live. Like life is controlling me. And I try and keep my faith and give it all up to him and ask him for his guidance. I don't know maybe I'm so crazy on this roller coaster that I don't even see or hear him. I'm so tired of living like this.

I hit the bottom......again!

I am in the worst place possible and I feel like there is no recovery. I have fallen so far into debt and a same sex relationship that is out of control. I know that this is not part of God's plan for me to be involved in this lifestyle. I love God but I know that I am not a friend of his at this moment. I am looking for hope and someone who can help. It is so involved and for a man in my 40's I am ashamed to be out of control.

HELP ME! I DON'T WANT TO BE LEFT BEHIND!

My husband is a sex addict, a compulsive eater (he weighs over 400 pounds), a compulsive worrier and workaholic, a compulsive liar, a cheater. Need I go on? He has issues - major issues. He is big time good at convincing people his way is the right way when he isn't and is relentless in making it his goal in life to convince you to agree with him. He's not one who takes no for an anwer if he wants something bad enough. He was like a drug addict that wouldn't take no for an answer when he really wanted his drugs which was 90% of the time. We've been married 11 years and together 12 years. I love my husband and have always felt in my heart that God did not want me to give up on him. After 11 years he has finally given himself to God. But there has been so much damage. I've tried hard to forgive all of the damage he's left behind, and I'm good for the most part until I'm challenged by the devil again and all those feelings of anger come up again. I can't seem to let them go and I think it's because of the guilt I carry inside me. Through the years there were times when he was relentless in not accepting my NO's that I ended up giving in and participating in acts I would immediately regret with all my heart and soul.

About a year ago we were in business together with my sister and someone I used to consider my best friend, but Mike ruined all of this by using monies that belonged to them, to help us live off of. I understand his reasons for doing it but after I told him not to do this unless he spoke with my sister and my so called "friend," but he decided no to discuss it with them and did it anyway. Well of course tremendous damage became of this as you can imagine. My Mother passed away from Parkinson's Disease a few months ago. She had this disease for over 40 years of her life. She meant everything to me before I met my husband. I wasn't there for her many times because Mike needed me. And after all the years I stood by my husband regardless what his issues were he did not make himself available to be there for me when I REALLY needed him, when my Mom died. I've never asked him to be there for me ever before, but I really needed him then and of course all he could do was think about HIS feelings first. Regardless the caos my husband created I knew that he has always had a good heart inside and that he was being led by the devil. I prayed for my husbands soul for years and asked others to pray for him too. He became like this because he was raised by his Mother who mentally abused him, and mentally seduced him. These are terms that were explained to my husband and myself through counseling. His Mom used him as if he was her husband since she felt she could not depend on her husband because he was an alcoholic and according to her mentally abused her. She treated my husband as her husband since he was 9 years old. She made him responsible for her happiness and was relentless in haunting him until he did.

Now that he has given himself to God he had to shut his Mother out so he can heal. I know how hard this was for him to do. But it was the only way and now she's rebelling big time. Many times we came so close to breaking up because I just couldn't stand her manipulation. My husband has been the type who insisted that I spend all of my time with him, be there when he wanted me which was an almost 24 hour position. I wanted to be there, don't get me wrong, but in the process I gave up being with my family and friends in California as I used to be before I met my husband. I gave up the person I used to be. It's my fault. I don't blame him for that, but now that he has FINALLY given his heart to God what do I do with all this stuff. I'm hurt, angry, and ashamed of myself. I can't think of anyone I can comfortably go to anymore that I can just talk thinks over with. Who can I talk to that will not judge my husband or judge me. I have a very dear cousin who I once was able to feel comfortable in telling her anything. She's a strong Christian. But I don't feel comfortable going to her anymore because this has been a never ending saga. I don't know if she's pulled herself away from me because she's tired of hearing about this. I wouldn't blame her. Or has she pulled herself away from me because she's just more involved in her life with her family. I don't know. Maybe it's both. I'm happy that my husband has FINALLY committed to God. This is what I've prayed for for so long. He's told me in the past he gave himself to God but it was obvious he hadn't. This time it is definitely different. This time I truely believe he really has given himself to God completely. This is a man who for all the years I've ever known him never wanted to talk about our burial plans because he hated talking about death. Now he says he's not afraid to die and actually welcomes it. But my husband made so many poor choices about money and life during our 11 years. He used to live for money. He's extremely good at making money and nobody is a better provider than he is. Lord knows he's put up with my lazy and rebellious daughter who thinks she knows it all and her passive husband who is a wonderful husband and a fabulous father but has no clue what to do next unless someone tells him. He took them both in when they both made challenges for themselves in holding a job. He took them under his wing into our business and groomed them to learn this Company and how to make a living and how to become leaders and be better people. Lord knows I'm gratefull for his patience, love and hard work with this issue. This was huge. There is still a lot more work to be done but I'm extremely grateful for all that he has done. The devil has put me through so much all these years. The past month I've been battleing with the devil more than I ever have before. He fills my head with doubts of Jesus. In my head he mocks Jesus. I yell inside and tell the devil to leave me, but then I hear a voice telling him to stay. I'm scared for my soul. I want him gone and I'm fightened that I'm loosing. My husband talks to me about his accomplishments of his new life as a Christian. He tells me daily with happiness and enthusiasm. He says he wants to become a Christian leader. I've told him many times during our marriage that if he would just put all the energy he puts into his illness and instead put it in Christ that I know he could be a fabulous Christian leader and now my dream is coming true. But I find myself scared because he's so much further than I am in truly becoming a REAL Christian. I'm a wanna be and now I can't get this demon out of my mind. It's almost like the demon left my husband and came into me. Help me please! I don't have anyone in Vegas I feel I can come to for help. I don't want to tell my husband because I don't want to want to do anything that may interrupt his journey to Christ. My Church is two blocks down the street from my home, Cornerstone Christian Fellowship. I went on their website hoping they would have something like this so I can seek help in my own Church, but they don't have this and I could not bring myself to just go down to the Church and have to tell them why I want to speak to a Pastor or someone who might be able to help me. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of myself.

Someone we call our friend introduced us to your Church. I love it but it's so far from us. I say we call her our friend because she wants so much to be our friend and I'm trying. I'm nice to her and treat her as our friend but I have a hard time FEELING it. She is one that my husband brought into our bedroom at one point in our marriage. We told her and she understands that that will NEVER happen again and she's okay with this but she is also gay and according to my husband she has told him she has a thing for me. I can't even go there. I try everyday not to think about that and just try to be friends. She doesn't show this to me thank God. If she did I surely would run as fast as I could. The other thing that bothers me is that she's a massage therapist - someone who believes in happy endings in order to make enough money to live off of. God has sent so many challenges to me. A constant battle ground. I haven't closed my door to her because even though he's Jewish she's trying to be a Christian. She's not at the point of committing herself to God, but I'm a sucker for lost souls I guess. I don't know anymore what I am. I was born and raised a Catholic. I went to 12 years of Catholic school. When I became an adult I began seeking another way to worship Jesus and was constantly pulled to the Born Again Christian faith. I know this is where I belong, but I am a lost soul myself. I believe God will be coming soon. I DON'T WANT TO BE LEFT BEHIND. This scares me beyond belief. Help me PLEASE! I could go on, but you get the idea. I've tried to do this on my own and I felt that with God's help I could handle it and I was doing considerably well all these years, but now - it's differnt. I know now I sincerely need help. Thank you.

Isolation and Fear

I'm a single Christian dad with a lot of struggles. After going through a bad divorce, I've found myself isolated and alone. I put on a brave face for my kids and for those who know me from the various ministries in which I serve, but it's getting to be too much. My friends all know me as this "triumphant Christian man", who is spirit-filled and always a source of inspiration, but nothing could be further from the truth. Yes, I know my Bible and I'm able to drag up scriptures and bumper-sticker answers to everyone else's problems and struggles, but I can't seem to find any answers to my own problems.
Here's the deal: I drink - a lot. Always when I'm alone, and in secret. My worry is, what happens when one of my Christian brothers or sisters need me...or if my kids need me to go get them and I've been sitting at home drinking? I'm no good to anybody this way.
Away from church, work, and my time with my kids, I'm always alone.I've created this "safe" little bubble around myself, in which friends and even family have become unwelcome. I'm painfully lonely, but every time I try and break out of that bubble, I'm reminded of how I was hurt by my ex wife and almost all of my best friends (infidelity). I don't want to be alone anymore, but openening myself up seems almost a sucker's bet on being hurt again.
Of course, being a single Christian man, I've chosen chastity and purity...to a point. The computer screen with its readily available images of women has become my "out" for sexuality. I find myself developing a warped view on women and on sex, not only from saturating myself in pornography, but from knowing what the most important woman in my former life has done with a number of my best friends. I was raised to respect and to revere women...this is so not who I am, nor who I want to be.
I'm so tired of living this lie...the lie that says that I'm this Spirit-filled miracle of a person who has overcome such adversity to become a good, solid Christian man. I'm not anything even resembling the kind of person that I want to be in Christ. I'm tired of offering bumper sticker answers, catch-phrases, and uplifting scripture for others, when I can't even help myself. I'm a fraud. What do I do? What can I do, except ask for prayer...I'm stuck.

Rescue ME!!

I'm a christian just struggling with life right now. I've been unemployed for almost 2 years now and left my job two years ago because i get panicky and the thought flashing thru my mind at that point was " i gotta get outta here, i can't breathe!!". So I've been job hunting for another job and want to get my foot in the door within the pet industry (want to eventually go to school for vet assistant). I had a very good feeling about my recent job interview and prayed God would open the door and if He didn't i prayed he would open another one. I didn't get the job :( I called another pet place and I had a connection there with one of the managers. When i called she said she would look at my application and send word around the store because they are hiring. Well i call a week later after she didn't call me when she said she would. Well it turns out she doesn't work there anymore. So I asked for my call to be transferred to a department that was hiring and that i had applied for. The manager in that department snapped at me (cause i guess she was having a bad day) and told me rudely she would look up my application and call me back 2-3 days later.... but of course... she didn't. I didn't want to call back because of the way she was to me on the phone. So I called other pet stores around the valley (closest to home because i don't have a car and would have to use the bus to get to work, and sometimes the bus isn't very reliable... so close to home jobs are my options), and none of them are hiring.... I even applied at a couple fast food joints even though i REALLY REALLY don't want to work with food again and they weren't even hiring. So that's junk problem #1.

I've been overweight for almost all my life and have prayed and prayed and ask God to help me to lose it, but year by year i gain more. It's not even a matter of looking good anymore, it's to get around and be able to fit in seats. last july I had injured my knee real badly again when i was exercizing. I went to the doctor and i had what they called "patello femoral syndrome", it's where the knee cap dislodges itself because the quadricep muscles are too weak to hold the knee cap in place. I did physical therapy for 3 months and recovery was good. But it was also very painful. I felt good about my recovery. Well about a month ago, I was boarding a plane and i had to squeeze in the aisle of seats and was twisting my legs in a weird way to fit and "pop!!!!" my knee cap dislodged itself again... pain, panick and anxiety came over me again. After all that recovery back i'm back to square one it seems. I am very limited to many things because of my weight and my knee. I don't even know how i can even stand for 8 hours at a job, but i know i have to. Everything just feels so hopeless and i keep on praying.

I'm also addicted to nicotine and smoke a pack a day and i'm tired of it controlling my life. I've tried quitting so many times but i guess a part of me wants to keep it around because it relaxes me. It's hard to break away from it because it relaxes me throughout this pain and misery i'm going thru. But i know it's slowly killing me along with my weight... I'm so afraid. It's easier said than done. I'm so tired of being in bondage to my weight, to smoking, to being at home all the time. I feel so very hopeless and have been praying so much. I also feel like God is mad at me or doesn't want to help me because i let myself get this way. I just want to be free so badly. I want Jesus to rescue me from all these things. It's hard to breathe because of all the things weighing down on me.

I also have a very strong christian boyfriend and we are dating long distance. We've seen eachother 6 times this year and he says he plans on marrying me. We have a very good relationship, but of course it's always me who doubts things and can't seem to keep positive feelings going in our relationship. Long story short, i've been molseted/ raped twice, I've been cheated on, i've been taken advantage of and treated like an object rather than a person. I trust my boyfriend partly, but the other part of me doesn't because i'm so afraid someone else will come around in his life and i will be left alone again or that he will grow tired of me. He has done nothing wrong to make me feel these things... like i said it's me.

I'm just hurting so badly and feel so tortured. Can't take it anymore and I can't feel Jesus and i need Him so badly. He's always been there for me and He's my only hope. It's quiet, there's no response yet... I'm on bended knees (even tho it hurts to be on my knees) begging Him for His help, to rescue me......

How do I give this to God and live?

Right now in my life I struggle each day with sexual issues and eating issues. I'm currently living in a place I thought would be so healthy for me. It turns out that I am being smothered more than I am being helped and financially I'm unable to move out on my own due to family illness. I'm never alone anymore and I live like I am much older than I am. I want to live and be young while I still am, but I'm afraid I just won't fit in. Everyday I fight to not go up to the person I live with and tell the person to screw off I don't have to take care of your family and I won't stop telling me I'm fat and I don't have what it takes to make it in the world. The other night I broke down and found myself in the arms of someone who is no good for me in a relationship other than friends. Well drinking happened and I found myself crying in the persons arms later I was screamed at on the phone to come home now and the person holding me telling me don't let this person control you like this. Of course I went I have too much invested to not go back (emotions and stuff). Turns out my sins I'm struggling with are taring my heart and life apart. Understanding this I'm really ready to change it all. I've been saved for a few years now and served at a Christian Church for a while now, but we all still struggle. Once again I am scared that another church will kick me out instead of embrace with you God's grace and help me, which for the record I do believe the Church I'm attending is really the family and place for the embrace I need. I hate it though part of myself for my behavior and a lot for what I deal with on a daily basis where I live. The person I live with is just giving up and won't get back on the horse to get back to work. I go to work every time wonder why the hell I have to deal with this crap. I miss my family and friends but I won't move back. I'm not sure if I can even find a better job yet to afford living with roommates my own age and not with a family. I need it though I feel like I'm being eaten alive. I want to just beat this persons face in sometimes I know it's horrible to say this but I DO!!! I need help...I desperately need prayer before I knock myself off God's path for me completely. I can't go on like this...and there is only one place for me to go..my parents home and to settle for a life I didn't really want. I know God has planned more for me............PLEASE PRAY FOR ME
I hope all I wrote makes sense.

porn addiction and masterbation

i've been trying to stop but i can't, there are times i realize i have a problem, there are times i go to help websites, i know i'm not strong enough alone, i realize and have called out to God for help, but i continue to slip back and disobey, its not enough to confess and ask for help, i'm so tired of this life, i'm 3 years married but it does not help, i'm just tired and need to grow up.

I am addicted to porn.

I want to stop looking and masturbating, but I can't seem to. I keep trying to play the promise game with God, but that doesn't work either. I've hidden my habit for years...from my family when I was a teenager, and from my wife now that I am an adult.

I'm a professional Christian. People pay me to come to their churches...over 100 of them each year. If they only knew the truth, my ministry would be down the drain. Who'd want a porn-addicted speaker in front of their families, anyway?

Sometimes I go almost a month without failing...sometimes I can't make it a full day. I'm so tired of the feelings afterward...mainly guilt. And the thought that my ministry could be destroyed tomorrow because of my lack of pursuit of holiness is what haunts me the most.

Maybe it's guilt from the enemy. Maybe it's conviction that God will strip me of my blessings. Maybe that's bad theology and God's grace is much greater than his desire to see me fail. Honestly, at this point, I don't really know.

What I do know is this: I need to quit. And I can't seem to be able to figure out how.

Father, help me. Make me strong. Draw me close to you...

Relationship and financial struggles

I've been in a relationship for more than two years, he is truly my best friend. I can't imagine my life without him. But there are so many aspects of our life and relationship that aren't healthy: we haven't had sex in months; our financial situation and how we view finances is a constant point of contention; his insecurities about my past relationships get in the way of us moving forward. I love him more than anything, but I want more when it comes to a relationship with someone I plan to spend the rest of my life with. However, the thought of walking away from him and the relationship rips my heart apart.

Lord I ask that you give me the strength and wisdom to work through this, please guide me towards the right path and help me remain convicted, with faith, in Your decision.

BEEN CHEATED ON...

My husband cheated on me. He had on ongoing relationship of about 6-7 months and I am devastated. He got down on his knees and asked for forgiveness, but I can't. Part of me wants to try, but another part of me wants to call it quits. This is the second time he cheats on me. Please God help me make the right decision. Help me forgive and move on.
Devastated...

Struggles with depression and anxiety

Hi all.

I am a Christian with bipolar disorder. I am currently pretty stable, with occasional anxiety. I try to give it to God, but seems Xanax and God work best together.

Several years ago, I experienced a mood swing and left my marriage of 23 years. I also left my 17 year old daughter with her father. Today, that is the greatest anguish of my life. I miss my family so much. Now my daughter is 23, but I feel I missed so much time together with my family that I will never retrieve.

I know that God is building my relationships back with both of them, and is giving me new friendships at the church I attend.

The main thing I want people to know about being bipolar is that I want all the same things other people do out of life. It's just that I have been given extreme moods which make life more difficult.

I just want love and acceptance, and to give it back in exchange.

God bless anyone who takes the time to read this post. And God bless the pastor at the church I attend.

failed marriage

my marriage failed because of me and i couldnt deal with it or accept it

STOLE FOOD FROM GROCERY TO COMPULSIVLY EAT

For many years, eating have been a friend, lover, and a dumping ground. I am just now in my life turning it over to Jesus and surrendering this so I can grow in my faith and learn the word of God and his master plan

masturbation and sexual lusts

For years I have struggled with masturbation and sexual lusts that ranged from the mundane to perverse. I could not stop masturbating through either of my marriages and it took more and more to get me to the point of release that eventually I had to actually go and try the things that I fantasized about to get that rush. I was addicted to sex the same as a person gets addicted to booze or drugs. Sex provided that rush that I thought I had to maintain to be happy. I finally allowed God to show me my problem and opened the door for Him to fix the problem...although sometimes I slip backwards, He is there for me and forgives and heals.

Some days are better than others...some days I remember to rely on His strength, and some days I don't...and try to fight on my own (always a losing battle).

Through the grace of God, I have not been physically sexually active since November, 2007, although I have and still do struggle from day to day with the mental lusts. When I am closest to the Father I don't struggle as much, but when I am not as close, I do. I am just thankful for His Grace and His constant forgiveness....

The price of freedom; eternal vigilance and strife

All my life I’ve searched for freedom. As a child it was freedom to do things on my own. It was freedom from school and mundane routines. It was freedom to see who I was and could become without persecution from parents or so called friends. As a teen, it didn’t change much, only became harder to navigate and more pressures saying I couldn’t be what I was to become. I was taught the only way to overcome obstacles that got in your way was to go through them, over them, or around them… My father tried to teach me the best he could. He died when I was about 22 and before I could seek his counsel on the hardest down spiral in my life… I’ve hit bottom several times. I’m barely keeping my head above water. When I finally see a chance to climb out of this ocean of despair, someone or something always comes along to kick me back into the deepest parts.
My life is still filled with despair and distraught times… though through it all, God’s hand is always apparent and obvious in my life. He’s never let me drown and taught me many lessons. The largest and I think most important of his lessons is to always stand vigilant if I want freedom. I’ll admit I, like most, get lost in worldly things and lose track of my watch and then end up kicked back into the ocean. But for most of the time, I keep watchful. God always throws me a rope and begins dragging me back out every time. I feel broken and ashamed most days, but most people who know me would never see that or know it. I’m always a failure that lets God down.
The freedom I seek now is much different than it was in my youth. Financial freedom would be a nice one to find… most can relate to that one. Freedom from pain is another I would love to find but accepted that it is something to endure and must have purpose. I suffer from a form of arthritis that I’ve had since early childhood that is throughout my body. Unfortunately, pain and discomfort is not enough for a doctor to mark you as even partially disabled so even though I am very limited in what I can do in the way of employment, if I ask for assistance I can’t prove it and get turned down due to “I could work at a more physically demanding job” and make a larger income.
God doesn’t want to see me struggle as much as I do and it breaks my heart that he has to see it and watch me fail each time. When I do remember to keep my watch, I’m very good now at avoiding trouble and those who would seek to bring it against me. I’ve failed and been beaten down so many times though it’s hard for me to get back up anymore. I still do. I’m standing again, for a little while at least before I have to stand back up again. He taught me never to give up… always to try and keep hope in his promise.
What breaks my heart most when I fail… isn’t that God watches me fall onto my face, it’s that he always sends some blessing to help me stand back up and try again. He’s always smiling on me and it hurts that I can’t once succeed for him. I failed in my last marriage. For years I despaired and struggled with the grief and guilt of that failure. My heart healed from most of it but there were still parts that kept me from standing up completely. God has reached out with his never ending love and grace to give me the blessing of a woman that loves me greater than anything I’ve ever known and a child that I hope will someday see me if not as a dad, as a best friend. I’m now standing again and moving forward, knowing I can love again and feel loved in ways I’ve never experienced before.
I keep financially failing, mostly from the lack of making it… but also from often making a slight mistake in expectations. Like this one of expecting routine clients and monthly incomes only to suddenly find myself 3 days from rent due and $340 short of paying it because a client unexpectedly had to go to Europe and won’t be back for the routine work until 2 weeks from now…
My heart tells me to call my small group but it breaks with the thought because I know they would help even if it hurt them and I want to be the one to help not be helped for a change. For once I would like to succeed so God can smile not because he sees me trying and helps me again, but because my success was the blessing and his smile the reward.
The freedom I want and seek most desperately now, is the freedom from failure… why does freedom have to be such an eternal struggle of strife and keeping always vigilant or lose the freedom we seek and fought so hard to finally obtain…

Somewhere, in an ocean of failure…
holding tightly to the rope of hope God has thrown again.

Pray for me...please

I found out on Saturday night, I listened to his voicemail and there 'she' was. Whispering that she loved him. My husband. I was a selfish, foolish woman 7 years ago, and I had an affair with him, he left his wife and married me. Of course that only led to an unbelievable amount of devastation, anger, hostility between his wife and children, and me 'coming in the back door', hello I'm your new step-mom. It took years for his children to trust me, to be able to say out loud how I hurt them, and eventually they say they came to love me. But now. Now I am getting what I deserve, I know. My pain is in so many different directions. I cried for hours and hours this weekend. I cried for all of us. For the family that eventually came together that is now shattered. For the realization of the pain I caused to his 1st wife, I know that pain now, and I am filled with shame and remorse. Why? Why? Why did I start down this road so many years ago? I had never done such a thing before, and all during the affair I fought my conscience. But I was selfish, I wanted to feel good and damn the consequences. And now my sin has come back to me, and I'm lost. Please Lord give me stength to face this day, and all the days to come. I cant do this alone. Please guide me.

Drowning my life away in a bottle of booze

First of all: I'm glad I found this website. I've been to a Christian Church only once (Christmas.)

I've finally come to the fact that I have a drinking problem. I'm only 25 now, but started drinking since I turned 21. Drinking has affected my life. There was a time in my life when I was popular and just an all around good guy. People would come to me for advice and I was very friendly. Now... I'm very anti-social and have bad anxiety/depression.

I drink a 12 pack of beer everynight after work. It cost me about $300 a month!

I moved to Vegas about a year ago to live with My Dad. He is an alcoholic like me...and so things got worse. My Dad lost his job because of the economy and has moved away. I found a roomate to live with and HE is also an alcoholic like me.

It seems like things get worse everyday. I'm sorry to complain to whoever reads this. I am a very hard worker and I want to change my life. I want to help others who need it!

Does anyone have a time/place or information about what I can do? Thank you for your time.

I can't go one living life like this

I feel like i've lost passion for everything i've ever loved. My love for my dad is gone, my brother's love for me is gone. My passion and love for dance is gone. And as terrible as it is to say, I feel like God as lost love and respect for me. I feel like these things are God trying to tell me something and I don't understand why. I need a sign God; I really need a sign. I feel like dieing

eating disorder

I have an eating disorder and it has helped me to lose all the weight I had.I say had now because I'm a 5ft female that weighs 97lbs from 160lbs. Congrats would be in order if now I wouldn't be obsessed about every calorie I put in my mouth, which in turn makes me binge and of course purge... and it's getting worse everyday. I want to stop, but the big thing about stopping is that I may gain weight, and even the thought of tipping the scale at 100lbs sends me in to hysteria. I wish there was somewhere to turn, and I wish I was strong enough to turn to it.

I'm destroying my life w/ sexual addiction

I have had this addiction for a long time. Since I have been in Las Vegas i have floated in and out of recovery. I want to get clean but then I don't. I want to blame it on my wife and her lack of desire but I know its my resposnibility to be pure. Despite what she does I am still repsonble to God, and my family. I am literally letting this destroy EVERY ASPECT of my life. My marriage, my family, my business, my finances, (eventually) my reputation, EVERYTHING THAT MEANS ANYTHING. I have NO friendships. I have no real relationships. Even now as i was just caught .. i want to engage. why o why .. when i am ready .. or so i feel to get w/ someone the person is out of town??? why does this happen.. why??? why can't I be free. Why is there a huge part of me that doesn't want to be free. Yet part of me knows there is NO freedom in sin.. Where are the answers.. I have been a christian for 20 years.. what good is it doing me .. I am a disgrace to GOD, My WIFE, MY CHILDREN, EVERYTHING. Why o why do I go on ... I see the TRAIN COMING AT ME.. FULL STEAM .. YET I DON"T GET OFF THE TRACKS?? WHY?WHY WHY??????? I am caught .. and I want to carry on .. HOW STUPID AM I??

Thrown Away

Five weeks ago Sunday last. I was thrown away by the family I loved and supported through this journey with Christ. It has made it very difficult to be connected to the church through a series at my church. I am at peace with the Lord. But I am having a tough time with the church. Please pray for me,

Too Blessed

I've gotten into a situation where I'm just too comfortable. All my financial needs, physical needs, mental and emotional needs are met. I have everything I've always wanted and needed, and now I feel like I don't need God anymore. I've taken to resting on my laurels and taking things for granted. God has been relegated to being someone who you give a thank you card to every once in a while, even when you don't really know them.

I've become an animalistic person, interested only in food and sleep and sex, and I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore. It's like physical comfort is eating away at my soul, and I'm afraid of losing myself when I don't have hardship to fight against anymore. The comfortable life is soul-shattering.

God, please give me some adversity, that I might learn to need you and lean on you for everything, as I once did.

I've never talked about this with anyone

When I was in middle school I used to go into my mom's room while she was at work and put on her clothes. I still feel really dirty about it and I've never felt ok talking about it with anyone. I don't have any urges to do things like that now but at the same time I worry that I will have them again some day.

Failure in life, love-everything

failure, yes I have it, I have been a failure in marriage 3 times, love many times and don't seem to get it. I love but not all the way. Fear yes don't want to be hurt again. I allowed myself to get so deep that I lost my inside--- heart/feelings. I care, yes, but do I really love. What is love, I am confused. I failed in financial affairs. I am loosing my home, I Thank God I have a job.....and many friends. I do feel alone at times. My husband of 20 years. Left me and divorced me in less that 30 days.. Yes lost. I keep my faith by reading, writing and 12 step program. I love coming to Church and have for 6 years. I need Church. I am rambling. Thank you for being a community of givers, that it is o.k. to come as I am. I Thank God for his Grace.

addiction to pain meds

Please pray that the Lord will help me I am in a lot of pain everyday due to chrons disease and a herniated disc in my back along with rh arthrits and im only 36!! been on pain meds 5 yrs..please help me my doc put me on the fentanyl transdermal patch but im still addicted to lortabs:( please help me and and believe with me the lord will lift this want and desire from me and the withdrawls will go away tysm!!
love and hugs

gambling and homosexual actions

I have struggled with these issues for most of my adult life. I recently went thru a divorce and it seamed to intensive these actions. I am here today to put these actions in the hands of a loving God. I pray for his forgiveness and mercy.

Give me strength

The only place I have to look for strength is in Him. I have to be strong for my daughter and for myself, but I am so broken-hearted. How you do get over a love that you know will be there forever? I know this is something I have to do, not only to be a better mother but to prove to myself that I have the strength. Please Lord, I believe in you and love you and know that you are there for me. But now, I need you in my face, helping me everyday. How can a relationship that does have love in it fall apart and be so hurtful? I have tried to make it work but I feel like because I try to be the imagine that God wants, I am getting pushed around and manipulated. I thought he would be the one that I would marry and now feel like a fool?

trust and forgiveness

I lied to my boyfriend about being pregnant, not because I thought he would stay. We had been on an emotional roller coaster for months, him breaking up with me over the smallest thing. I got to a point that this last time that he broke things off with me that I want to make him feel bad for awhile about leaving. I was in complete shock when he decided that he wanted a baby and to be together. I had felt so guilty the moment that I had told the lie I just wanted to have never said it. Then I felt as though things would get worse if I told him what I had done. I'm not like this, I don't lie about anything and especially something this big. I knew that in my heart things were going to go very badly and they did. A week later he caught me in the lie and now he's gone. I've been so mad, disappointed, ashamed of myself for doing such a stupid thing. Regardless, of the things that he did to me it does not excuse my behavior or action. I know better, I am a better person than that. Since, I've been looking into myself to see exactly were all this crazy came from for me to act so irresponsibly. I know that GOD is pruning my branches at this moment in time and making me a better person when its all done. I need only his strength to get through this. I'm having a hard time not hating myself and trying to forgive myself for what I've done.

boyfriend problems

i have been with him for 4 years, and he has become so verbally abusive that i'm starting to not feel so good about myself. he is a drug addict. i am not. he smokes weed since he was 12. he smokes many times in a day, first thing when he wakes up, chronic he calls it. he takes lortab 10 mg sometimes several times in a day, he takes soma alot and he drinks many beers in a day. he hangs with teenagers and kids in early 20's. hes 40. i am tired of the drugs but never wanted to give up on the love. pretty sure he is bi-polar. two years ago i was passionately in love with him. i tried to approach him today to tell him the drugs are making him mean. he shoved me and my left side is badly scraped from his hands grabbing me and shoving me. i landed on the floor. i did not call the police. i don't care if he goes to jail. i didn't want him to die on drugs. but i am dying inside. i want to let him go. he doesn't want to quit drugs. i want to quit loving him. how do i do this? he's a charmer, and the passion has always exceeded anything. he laughs at me for going to church. i want free from him, but he always talks me into coming back to him. im not setting a good example for my daughter, and im not happy with me anymore. i need help.

Failure in life, love - EVERYTHING

Where to begin. I am lost and very much in pain. I have found myself spinning into a black hole of depression. I have a little girl that thinks the world of me and still I cannot see past all the imperfections of my life. I have been involved with a married man for 3 years and it has brought me to my knees. This man never ever has fullfilled his promises. He has been too interested in his own PERFECT life to really let us into it. Promises made - Promises broken! All the while I have believed him, and not myself. Who do you trust? I have many times wanted to kill myself. Knowing that this would only satisfy him and hurt and destroy all the people that TRULY DO Love me. I have hurt the people that love me, all to keep this person in my life. WHY WHY WHY? This is the million dollar question. I have become somewhat of a leper in my own mind. Cannot struggle anymore with this. Don't want to turn it over - because I probably deserve it! I knew what I was doing - but I did it anyway. What a complete and utter fool I have been. I want so badly to get out of this! I don't know how. I have and continue to live in sin. I have destroyed all that I was. For What? LOVE????? Please- thats Love? I would not know it if it knocked me in the face. Have no feeling now. dont trust anyone.....ever. I once knew that I was good......but, that is all a part of my past, I once knew what it felt like to have a little happiness, that too is gone now. I once was the person that everyone enjoyed being with, that too is gone. I am a liability, I am not worth the skin i am in. I want this to stop, I want to be forgotten, like I never was born. If this is all there is, I DON'T WANT IT!!!!!!!!

Drinking alcohol and having no self-control

I am 31 years old and just realized that I have a problem with alcohol. I don't crave it and have to have it, but I can't just have one or two and be good. I drink too much at one time and then end up embarassing myself and angering others around me. Last night I had way too much to drink, I started getting aggrivated about something. I don't remember most of what I did, but I deffinately embarassed myself professionally. I woke up this morning still intoxicated, I did not have my ring on, which tells me that I was not faithfull in my heart and mind. I had to be put in my room by force. I feel like a complete idiot. I feel like I've let down all the folks that think I'm a "pretty decent guy", I've let down myself, my wife, my children, and most of all, I know I've let God down. I prayed for forgiveness for my drunkeness, and my unfaithful heart. I feel pretty bad right now. I need strength. I need to know that I can recover from this, spiritually, mentally, and professionally.

Prostitution

I have a secret life as a prostitute - Its a life I left behind many years ago when I first gave my life to Christ and married. Now 20 years later I find myself in Las Vegas - widowed and the victim of a disaster. That old lifestyle called me back and as I sank deeper and deeper into the sexual underground I began to lose myself. On the outside I appear normal - I work in an office and am raising children. How could I let myself go out like this after I had changed my life around before. Its not really about the money - I make enough money on my job to live ok - it fills this hole inside of me, an empty place that can only be filled with being wanted and desired.
I have quit now for a few weeks and cut contact with the people in the lifestyle but ask for your prayers for strength and I pray that God will please put some people in my path that will help to lead me back to a lifestyle that I can proud of.

Abortion

I have been struggling with a choice that I made in the past. when I was younger I got pregnant & I decided it was the best for me at that point in my life to have an abortion. I look back at my life from then to now & I know that it was a good choice cause my life has been crazy since then & I can't imagine having a child drug along all that mess. But I still struggle with it everyday. When I look around and I see everyone around me with their kids, I get sad. I was in a serious relationship in the past & we were tryin to have kids & I couldn't get pregnant; we broke up so I guess that was a blessing in its own. My biggest fear is that when I get to that point in my life I won't be able to have kids because of the choice that I made. I can't seem to forgive myself & let it go, and I keep telling my self that God will never forgive me (joys of growing up catholic) I think about it more than those around me know. It kills me inside & I wish I could let go.

pray for my son

He was taken to Juvenile hall last week and is now confined another 9 days for something he did admit to. He is an honor student, has lots of friends, is a good brother, cousin, son, nephew, person. Please pray that the judge doesn't charge him with a felony. Please pray it is dropped to a misdemeanor. Other than this 1 minute mistake, poor judgement on his part, he is such a good person. I have told several people, neighbors, fellow church members and ofcourse family who were ALL floored that he could do something to get in trouble. He was baptized last summer,has gone to church camp, knows and loves God and wants to contunue his walk. If he can come home and heal, it would be wonderful for the family. I am a divorced mother and his Dad just doesn't get that his son needs him. I can only visit him on Sunday evenings, I miss him so much. He is treated decent at the juvenile detention center, but it's not home. I quit my job so I could be here for him, as I'm sure the judge will order. Please pray that this won't go on his permanent record as a felony, I don't want a mistake he made as a minor to haunt him the rest of his life. He is so remorseful, asks forgivness everyday, is reading the bible in his cell. I want him to have a second chance at living the life he knows he wants. Thank you for reading and thank you for your prayers.God Bless you.

Broken down.

what do you do when the man of your dreams pushes u away as if he didn't care. but this isn't the first time. how is it when times get tough in a relationship people bail without trying, without fighting, without doing everything godly possible to make it work. when you talk to them they get all defensive and break you down by your past mistakes. I'm not perfect and i realize that. We were married before and divorced this past July we came back together in Dec. to try and make this work. how do you get them to let go of your mistakes and move forward. every time we fight now and i bring something up that is bothering me about him, he jumps to the defense "well i can't let go of the things you've done to me before and i can't let you in, things aren't the same blah blah" but he has done the same thing to me and as the Christian woman i am i learned to forgive him and love him unconditional. Yes i understand were not married anymore, but to share my life with someone else would never be like sharing it with him. I just want him to let go of the mistakes that i made, as i have let go of his, so we can receive the great things the lord has in store for us. what he obviously doesn't understand being a Christian man himself, until you let go of past hangups there will not be new things for you to enjoy. I'm so torn apart, i love him and I'm praying the lord will help him see this through. Life isn't the same without him. Don't get me wrong when we are together and we are not worrying about such issues we have the time of our lives, we act like kids all over again, laughing, joking, having the best times, kissing and having the inability to stop touching, hugging, and staring at each other. I sit back and I'm scared to lose that with him, I'm scared of not being able to fix this and enjoy our lives as we once did. i can't find the right words to say to him, or even the right things to do. it seems like everything i do is wrong and it pushes him further and further away from me.
Dear father- please give me the strength to see this relationship through its tough part. Lord i ask you to show him the right away and help him to learn of forgiveness and grace. Father i am hurting right now, i feel lost and scared and all alone. I realize lord that it is you that controls me, it is you that controls my relationships. I'm putting this in your hands lord so you can fix it and allow you to work in him so we can be one again. I thank you lord for loving me and allowing to be forgiven, i ask you lord to watch over him and me and i pray that this isn't a lost cause. i say all this in your name AMEN

ocd

I can't stop my obsessive-compulsive thoughts. I think horrible things about God, my family...Then I pray, but while I'm praying, I think more horrible thoughts. Then I have to pray again...and again...and again. I get frustrated and stressed. I know God doesn't want me to live my life like this. I've been dealing with this for years. I want to pray and read the Bible like a normal person, and not feel horrible and blashphemous. The more I try to stop the thoughts, the worse it gets. I don't have the same relationship with God that I used to. It is mostly me feeling guilt and praying to be in God's good graces again. The OCD makes it so stressful and frustrating. I don't think God wants me to live like this, or for our relationship to be like this. I am seeing a counselor, but I wonder if I should be able to handle it through God and not need extra help. I feel like I'm not letting Him work because I don't know if He will help me or not. I feel guilty for getting psychiatric help. I feel guilty for wanting antianxiety medication. Shouldn't I not need these things if I'm faithful enough? Does God blame me? And does he forgive me for my bad thoughts without me having to ask? I don't want to be this way. I want to be good...

Giving it to Jesus. Jesus' Grace save me

I would like to drop all my problems--give them to Jesus:
laziness
Internet porn
lying to myself
overeating
money problems--feeling unworthy
argumentativeness
The problem isn't primarily these things, but the sinful self they come from.
I am crucified with Christ.
Risen again.
Jesus take this junk from me, please. Amen.

Hidden Money Messes

I am successful single woman who has a well paying job. But my secret is that I have not been paying my credit cards for over a year. It started when I moved, and became late on bills because they weren't forwarded in time. But I started to avoid it...and then, I started to get collection calls - and I still get them to this day. I'm so afraid and ashamed to even return their calls, knowing that I will 'get in trouble' from the person on the other end. I don't listen to any messages on my voicemail, and don't answer any numbers that aren't familiar on my phone. I'm so scared....I know I've ruined my credit; ruined my chances of ever buying a house. I dread the day that I will have to apply for a line of credit - car, home - or even for possible landlords to check my credit. Silly thing is, I have had the money to pay for it the whole time....I pay my student loans and car payment regularly, and have never been late before - EVER. All of my friends are responsible adults in their 30s with good credit, and here I am....messing up my future. It would kill me if any of them found out. I get a horrible feeling in my stomach everytime the phone rings, wondering if it's another collector...... Please, Lord, give me the courage and the guidance to deal with this issue and resolve it once and for all.....

masturbation

Wow, I can't believe I'm posting this. I am in a struggle with masturbation and viewing porn on the internet.

Porn Pastor

I'm a licensed minister. I'm a porn addict. I'm trying to get accountable, but it seems like things are always set against me. I'm trying to set up accountability, but the guys don't show up, or are not honest.

I tried xxxchurch software on my mac. It doesn't work.

I'm lonely, I'm scared, and I want out. Pray for me.

trust and forgiveness

i had problems with lying. about very pointless immature things to my boyfriend. i was lying b/c i was trying not to lose another friend who was a guy. i hurt so many people doing this for almost 3yrs or so. i feel so low and ive asked for forgiveness so many times and was never forgiven. this sounds so pointless but when you lose someone you really care about it hurts. and it makes your day just not the same. im still hurting to this day b/c not to much time has passed. but im praying every day that its just going to take time. ive told this person im sorry and didnt want it to end this way. and i wish he'd understand. i still love him and care about his life. there were things in his life that weren't to up to par either and i was really searching for the Godly relationship ive longed for so long. he hurt me to by looking at porn, gambling, drinking, and living his own life and when i confronted him he said it was b/c i lied to him about the other guy. i just wanted security. i want someone who's not going to do those things to me. i want forgiveness and frienship again. ive already asked God to forgive me and He has, but im growing more in Him than i ever was and i just pray one day that that man will find out the joy God has planned for him too. its so hard to be with someone who's not a christian and then when your not perfect they judge you and don't forgive. im hurting and have no one to tell and i just needed to get this out.

marriage

Please pray for my marriage/family. Pray that I will be able to forgive my husband of all his lies. Pray that I will have the strength to over come all our obstacles. Pray that his heart will be softened by God to get in-touch with a support group that will strengthen him. Pray he will have the wisdom and strength to pull out of the temptations he falls into.

one screwed up

to make a long story short, i am a 38yo pastor who has been in the ministry for about 8 years. i recently resigned from my job because i was caught taking money from a fund at church. i am also addicted to porn and the feeling that i can't trust anyone. so the question i now ask:"why in the world did God decide that i needed to be a pastor?" i am a complete failure, loser and a shame to all i have ever led in any church i have ever been at. so what's a broken leftover like me to do? i guess it's just one day at a time. it's hard to walk around with my head up. i had that problem before this last incident but now it's even worse. did i misunderstand God about my calling? where did it all go wrong? or was it all wrong to begin with? i guess time will tell but in the meantime my family, my name, my calling has been shamed beyond anything i can imagine. i know God loves me and blah, blah,blah, but stealing from a church? addicted to porn? it's hard to even look in the mirror because i hate what i see. i hate the fact that people will even look at my small children different. about 2 months ago i wanted to end all this mess by shooting myself in the head with my .357 magnum. some people say suicide is pretty selfish but if you haven't been in that place don't even say a word. you'd never understand. i guess life goes on but where does it go from here. this is really the first time i've been open about all this.

I want to forgive and be free

Struggling to forgive my father for the way he betrays and manipulates my mother and me and my brother. Wanting to believe God for miracles for my father's mental and emotional healing and freedom. Wanting to believe that God has something wonderful for my future and that I am neither trapped by the sins of my father nor destined to repeat them.

DIVORCE

I AM A 52 YEAR OLD MAN. I HAVE BEEN ATTENDING A CHRISTIAN CHURCH FOR ABOUT 8 YEARS BUT HAVE NOT JOINED YET. OVER THE LAST 6 MONTHS I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE. BACKGROUND: MY EX-WIFE HAS HAD A MENTAL ILLNESS SINCE WE WERE ABOUT 30 YEARS OLD. SHE DEVELOPED A GAMBLING ADDICTION ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO. SO WE HAVE LIVED WITH NO MONEY TO PAY BILLS UNTIL LAST AUGUST. WHAT LEAD UP TO THE DIVORCE WAS THAT SHE ALWAYS WANTED MONEY TO GO PLAY, AS SHE CALLED IT. SHE WOULD COME TO MY WORK SHE WOULD WAKE ME UP A ANYTIME DURING THE NIGHT TO GO TO THE A T M TO GET HER MORE MONEY. IF I WOULD TRY TO REFUSE SHE WOULD GET VIOLENT. I HAVE MY OWN CHECKING ACCOUNT BUT SHE WOULD TAKE MY CHECKS TO A STORE AND GET CASH. SHE WOULD SAY SHE SENT BILLS WITH MY CHECKS OUT ON FRIDAY THEN AS MONEY GOT LOW SHE WOULD TELL ME THAT SHE DID NOT ACTUALLY SEND THE CHECK. THEN MONDAY MORNING AS I WOULD LEAVE FOR WORK SHE WOULD SAY OH BY THE WAY I DID SEND THAT CHECK. SO I WOULD HAVE TO BORROW TO GET THE MONEY BACK IN THE BANK.SINCE ARE SEPARATION IN AUGUST WHEN OUR MARRIED DAUGHTER, WHO LIVES AT OUR HOUSE TO GET BACK ON THEIR FEET BECAUSE OF THE ECONOMY, GOT TIRED OF HEARING THE CURSING AND HITTING THAT MY EX WAS CONSTANTLY DOING SHE CALL THE POLICE AND SHE WAS ARRESTED. AT WHICH POINT SHE WENT TO LIVE WITH HER MOM UNTIL HER MON KICKED HER INTO THE STREETS. SINCE THAT TIME I HAVE BEEN PROVIDING A BUDGET SUITE. DURING THE COURSE OF THE LAST 4 MONTHS SHE WOULD COME TO MY WORK AND HOME DEMANDING MORE MONEY. I HAVE BEEN PUTTING A 120.00 IN HER OWN ACCOUNT EVERY FRIDAY FOR THE LAST YEAR AND FEW MONTHS. I ALSO GOT A RESTRAINING ORDER TO TRY TO STOP ALL THIS. SHE IGNORED THE RESTRAINING ORDER AND ABOUT 2 WEEKS AGO SHE CAME TO THE HOUSE AND WAS THROWING A BIG CEMENT BLOCK AT THE FRONT DOOR. I CALLED THE POLICE AND SHE WAS TAKEN AWAY. SHE ENDED UP AT THE HOSPITAL FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE AND ONCE THEY GOT THAT STABILIZED THEY TOOK HER TO MONTE VISTA.DURING THAT TIME OUR DIVORCE WAS FINALE, HOWEVER AFTER 10 DAYS THE INSURANCE WOULD NOT PAY ANY MORE SO THE HOSPITAL SENT HER BACK OUT IN TO THE STREETS. SO IT ALL BEGINS AGAIN. THE REASON I AM DUMPING ALL THIS HERE IS BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE GOD IS ANGRY WITH ME FOR NOT HONORING MY VOWS. BUT HOW MUCH DOES A PERSON HAVE TO TAKE. I FEEL EXTREMELY BAD ABOUT ALL THIS. I JUST WISH I COULD FEEL ALRIGHT AGAIN IT HAS BEEN YEARS. ANYWAY I WISH I COULD SAY THAT THERE IS A HAPPY ENDING BUT I CAN NOT SEE IT YET.I REALIZE THAT SHE NEEDS HELP. BUT I CAN NOT DO IT ANY MORE SINCE SHE ATTACKS HER CARE GIVERS TO GET WHAT SHE WANTS. I NEED TO KNOW THAT JESUS IS STILL FOR ME AND HAS NOT ABANDONED ME. IN HER ATTACKS SHE HAS TOLD ME OVER AND OVER HOW JESUS IS ANGRY WITH ME AND THAT I HAVE LEFT THE BRIDE OF MY YOUTH. IT IS VERY HARD TO SEPARATE ALL THIS. ANY WAY THANKS FOR THIS PLACE TO VENT.

Finances and Taxes

Please I don't know where to turn. Everyday I pray and God does have mercy on me, but I need help with my finances. I used to make good money doing mortgages and before that I worked as a massage therapist on the strip. Now I cannot afford the fees for the testing and licencing fees for the state massage board. I have been using a forged licence so I can work locally, but I need my licence to work back on the strip. Ever since the mortgage industry bust, I have been struggeling every month to make ends meet. I just need direction and advice on what to do, also my credit is in bad standing and I have not paid taxes for several years. My past has caught up with me. Please Jesus, help me and give me the courage, strength and grace to get my life in order. Help me with my faith, I turn it over to you lord.

FORGIVENESS

Please pray for me in the area of forgiveness, not only for others who have hurt me, but for myself. Please pray for a restoration of my relationship with my 21 year old son and that he can become the man that God created him to be.

HELP I'm sinking.

Today was a nightmare!! I found out my husband of 20 years had a "fling" He confessed because the other womans boyfriend was going to tell me. I am so confused. He wants to make it work. It was just sex, I don't know why I did it,She didn't take no for an answer, I caved. It meant nothing,.... He is relieved, because the guilt was getting to him..So he says. I don't know what to think. I thought this was the man I was destin to spend my life with. Do I try to save my marriage/family. I don't want to be betrayed again. I need guidance. I'm so lost, ashamed of what he did. Dear Lord, Please guild me in the right direction.

LIFESTYLE

EACH DAY I REGRET MY PAST CHOICES OF DEALING, USING AND A LIFE SHAPED AROUND DRUGS. I WAS TOTALLY MESMERIZED FROM AGE 13 TO HAVE MONEY POWER AND RESPECT IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD. NOW AT 31 WITH 2 CHILDREN BY 2 DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIPS I FEEL OVERWHELMED LOOKING BACK @ MY ADOLESCENCE. FROM 4 YEARS OF STATE PENITENTARY 5 YRS OF PAROLE @ 19. I TRY TO FIND MY NEW DIRECTION IN LIFE I CHOOSE TO BE A NEW CREATION WITH GOD'S LOVE MY MOTIVATION. I USED AND ABUSED WOMEN TRYING TO FULFIL A VOID WITHIN ME BE SUCKED IN AND MANIPULATED BY SATAN (DISGUISED IN RAP MUSIC LYRICS, MOTION PICTURE THEMES) WHOM I CHOSE TO EXPOSE TODAY AS THE WICKEDNESS THAT POSSESSED ME DURING MY IGNORANCE. AS I STILL STRUGGLE TODAY NOT WITH ADDICTION OR BEFUDDLEMENT BUT FINDING WHERE MY PLACE IS BE IN GODS KINGDOM HERE ON EARTH. I AM A CHILD OF GOD. AMEN

insecurity

Hi i hate this feeling i always have is insecurity
I do not want anymore..it starts in the morning and lasts all day all night days n week years!! Im tired of it!! It ruin me and my husband of almost 14 years together.. I never always feel the love i should that he has for me!!! I want it to stop!!!Please help!!!!!!

cutting

I cut myself. I use to like it. I thought it was helping things. It doesn’t help anything for long, it even causes more problems. I don’t know what to do. I say I wont do it again but then the urges come and instead of being strong I surrender to it. It’s a problem that I need to face dead on.
I’ve been cutting myself for about 5 almost 6 years now, It’s not something I do all the time, just on and off. I started when I was a freshman in high school. I don’t know what exactly led me to start it in the first place but a family member of mine would make me do some inappropriate things that I never got over. I still to this day have some major problems with dealing with them.
It’s a problem that’s just spiraling out of control instead of getting better. I think about it constantly. At work, in the car, when I’m at home trying to relax. I’ve finally come to realize just how bad I’ve really been hurting myself. It scares me to know that the next time I cut myself could do worse damage then I’ve already done. That I could wind up accidently killing myself. Which is not my intention.

learning to listen & forgive !!!!!!!

This subject is big I'm like an angry history book. I don't believe I've ever learned to forgive & am just considering the thought now because my inner hard drive is full & I'm afraid this with my current challenges will cause me to crash & burn! So I am listening more than ever. The funny thing is, I'm just starting to listen.Now the act of forgiving thats complicated , or is it? You know carrying the baggage of memory of something or someone happening or doing something to you. Must take space & effort & piece of mind from you. So as you say I need to dump my junk. But it's hard cause it's mine all mine,mine..mine mine!!!Now to float like a butterfly & sting like a bee I need to over come adaped & succeed.We all do Some now, some later, some for now. But as brothes & sisters we need to pick up the slack were we need to,this I'm sure. To FORGIVE, this releases me of the adverse affects of anger plus may teach me some small level of grace, or not. It will allow my mind than my body to heal, in turn will allow me to acomplish whatever it is the lord put me here for. I know that God, & my brother Jesus love & want me & all of us to be happy with this wonderful gift,[our lives'>.Now to truely enjoy this we must share them & forgive!Those who have hurt me. I FORGIVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

unknown emotions

I have been married for almost 5 years, and I didn't realize I was killing it. I'm not an emotional person when it comes to expressing how I feel. I lost my Aunt to Diabetes 4 years ago, she was my world. I believe I lost a part of me when she left. In that time, I refrained from intimacy with my husband which I didn't know was a problem. I would be o.k. sometimes, but majority of the time, I had no feeling left at all. I hated it, but didn't know how to get that back. I felt lost. Me & husband are Christians, and were very involved in our church. We would pray "separately" searching for answers but nothing seemed to change. Recently my husband expressed to me that he was fed up, and his feelings had left me. In which case he started developing feelings for another woman. I felt crushed. I never considered his feelings at all, basically I didn't fight for what I already had. Needless to say, we are still together, but everyday is a fight. Anyone who reads this, please take the time out to say a prayer for healing. My family needs your help.

my self inflicted challenge.

My church has been very helpful to my spiritual recovery . thank you for this .but I can see it's not over and it looks like it's going to be more of a life style than just a change for a short time.I've fallen under hard times , and with those hard times have lost the help of people I had thought were my friends . On top of that my time line with me working on my second home has dragged me into this slump in the housing market .Through these challenges my faith has groan and my bond with my mom & sister has also become stronger & more important.The services that I have attended have reminded me of this . After all that I've been through I realize that I need to help others in order to help myself. I don't exactly know how just yet but I'm sure it will present itself eventually.I am lonely and that is partly the reason I would like to help people in need . At this level they are so responsive to kindness & so grateful for receiving it.The fear is when you're kind and people don't appreciate it . Or the opportunistic behavior thats imbedded in our culture,leads to bad behavior of some kind.Why can't we be good to each other ? Just simple consideration and kindness.Thank you.

adultery

I recently learned my husband of 9 months has been with other women during our marriage. I am hurt, confused, overwhelmed. I dont know what I am to do. I am going to attempt to seek God's word but I am new to reading the Bible. I will look for help where I can.

Stress and anxiety!

Going on two months now, I have been on leave of absence from work due to stress, panic attacks, and fighting a gullbladder disorder. Prior to this happening, I worked a full time job and went to school full time. During the inbetween hours, I found myself working on homework, studying, and trying my best to spend time with my husband.

Today, I still struggle with the things I have listed above and I am having a hard time getting through them. I go to church every weekend, I pray everyday (sometimes several times a day), I currently began writing in journal to express my thoughts, feelings, and desires to help myself get over this life I never once thought I would be in. Thankfully my husband is very supporitive, loves me very much and is willing to walk by my side to help me get through it; however, there is one thing that I worry about more then anything. When all of this occured about two months ago, we moved in with my parents so I could try and finish school. I am at home everyday with the my father who is retired. He suffers from PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) from vietnam. In order for everyone in this household to be able to handle one another we all take what I like to call 'Happy medicine' to help with the stress, anxiety, and patience. My husband and I are the only ones that go to church in the house and have God in our lives. However, when you have stress in your life and suffer from anxiety (panic attacks) you need someone to talk to, or the comfort of someone being with you. Lucky for me, my dad has me and I have him. The problem is or the thing that I worry about is, my dad wont speak with me about his stress disorder and I want to speak with my dad, but he wont listen. I pray everyday that both my dad and mom will find Jesus Christ and understand the hapiness that my husband and I have found but I need every prayer today not only for me, but most importantly for my dad. He is stuck in a rutt and I don't know how to help him. He goes to therapy three times a week to help deal with it, but I know inside of my heart and through what I have learned on my walk with God that the power of prayer is so much more powerful than that of anything else that is out there. So please, I ask that if anyone is reading this, to pray for my father and myself to a full recovery and back to the life we once always dreamed of. Thank you very much.

Pornography addiction

No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to beat my addiction to pornography. It's been years since I started and I've always known it to be wrong. As a person held in a position where lots of people look up to me, it hurts me deeply when I remind myself of the double life I'm leading. I profess to being a child of God saved by grace, but I still remain lost in the darkness, bound by the chains of pornography. Please God, help me! This is my public profession of a sin that has been my struggle for the greater part of my adult life. I can't do this alone. I need grace and mercy. Thank you Jesus, most precious and wonderful Savior. Thank you for dying, sinless, on the cross to save a wretch like me. In Christ's name I offer up this confession, praying that all evil and wicked forces will flee my soul and that I might see a new dawn rise on the horizon.

I feel better now! Thank you God. Amen

Married pastor

I have been having an affair with a married pastor for almost two years. He has moved on to someone else and I am lost. Part of me wants to turn him in to the church but I also feel it is vengence because he has moved on. But is it really fair to his congretion for him to be in the pulpit week after week lying to these people.

how do i show my husband he is abusing me

my husband is verbally mentally and emotionally abusing me he has cheated on me just about all of the eight years we are together we've broken up several times hes let all the bills go, I've been the one who's left with the kids, he spends all the money, gets into a jam, foreclosure, etc. and cries for me back, promises the moon and then for a while its o.k., then the indifference, the hurt, the loneliness, he never comes near me, just finds ways to make everything my fault, even his loosing things, even makes me the bad one in front of our three year old, : go to sleep or mommy is going to get mad at us, etc.. never excepts any responsibility, even if he looses something, its my fault, if he goes the wrong way, its my fault, everything i do, he never has a nice word, even when we have sex, its ten minutes and all about him gradifying. and its only when i initiate it. there is no tenderness no kindness never a compliment for any of the thousand of things i do for him or the family one day he's nice and most of the time he's not he always complains and never listens always puts me down how can i show him that he is just cruel to me i tell him this isn't the way a marriage should be he doesn't believe me and says I'm crazy no marriage is full of romance why cant he wake up and realize what he has? I'm going to go crazy

smoking..

why do these cancer causing little white sticks hold such temptation for me? Wanting to be free. Jesus, help me be free.

alcoholism drug addiction gambling

I realize now that my addictive behavior and alcoholic mind started long before i picked up a drink or drug. I never felt like i belonged i was the girl who hid in the bathroom to avoid the good byes when we had family get togethers and avoided affection at any cost meanwhile all i ever wanted was to feel loved and noticed. When i was 12 i found the thing that made me feel a part of the group and crowd and family alcohol and drugs. I would come alive and feel i could express myself be the life of the party. through my life i was always afraid of the big eye in the sky afraid to look up because i was defanitly not worthy of Gods love and knew he was dissapointed in me I just tried to pretend he was not there. My mom who as since pasted took me to my first aa meeting the seed was planted. I have been on an addictive rollercoaster most of my life. When the pain got bad enough and the drugs stopped working I became willing and honest enough to start {with the help of aa )rethinking my ideas about God and the old ideas and predjudeces that were in the way of my relationship with God once i was able to realize I was dying and the only chance I had was to find my God and get to know him so i began my journey only to realize i was of the agnostic variety i believed in god but didn't believe he could or would help me personally. I didn't realize that until i was three years sober and went back out only tho be back in a downward spiral wondering how i got there causing problems and hurts for me and everyone i loved. Since then I am sober again and forming that relationship with Jesus. Now I see the things that block me from God are the things only he can help me with being selfishness and self centered like all human beings is what i need God to remove from me on a daily basis so that i can feel him and get to know him i will never be perfect only Jesus is perfect but one day at a time God will change my heart which will in tern change my perspective and help me to get to a place where i can help another alcoholic who still suffers. I also realize that I am saved because Jesus died for my sins and not because I am being good.

The News is Horrible...How can we manage it all?

I've been so stricken by the violence and death in the news...it seems that is the only thing on the broadcasts anymore, save for the weather. My heart breaks for the victims, for the families of such horrible acts of humanity. I seem to take it to a place in me that has some staying power...I still remember people from news events 3+ years ago.

I'd like to know the "what's happenenings" of the global community but I am having a hard time managing with all the terrible stories in the news. They are just terrible. I'm not sure what to do.

..."dumping my junk" will maybe help for now. Any ideas???
Thank you

Gambling destroying me!

I realize I have come to the end of dealing with this and I feel so helpless on how to get out of it. I make good money, I spend money to try to make money to get out of the debt I have caused. It is a vicious cycle. I enjoy sitting at a video poker machine, but it is destroying my life. I met a man 3 years ago while watching football at a Sports Bar, everything seemed wonderful. He didn't drink the first two years, come to find out now he was recovering. He gambles all the time to make that extra dollar. His income is nothing like mine but that never bothered me but now I see him drinking sporadically and he is a totally different person who is very mentally abusive and horrible. He is a danger to himself.
I cannot be around him when he is like that. It seems in that state of mind I am his worst enemy and then he is always regretful.

I feel like I am self distructing by the error/mistakes I have made the past year. I feel if I had that one last chance to make it good financially I would be ok and do the right thing but that one chance does not come and I get deeper and deeper in debt. I know with my income that within 90 days I can get myself out of this but of course it cannot come soon enough. He and I talk about how we want to fix this but it seems to be myself always bringing it up. We always spend time together and it is at a casino when we enjoy so many other things,I have to get off this cycle. I am making myself physically sick worrying. I am distracted from work and I love my job, I am so blessed and now I feel I am putting it in jepordy by my choices.

I pray to God to help me be strong to guide me on the right path, to give us the strength to fix this together but I feel I need to "Let Go and Let God" and watch out for myself and don't destroy myself anymore than I already have. I just need relief, I need to stop worrying and fix all my wrong.

Am I an addict?

Before this year I had never so much as seen pot, and I am 24 years old. I don't even smoke ciggerates or drink alcohol. Then this year after being diagnoised with Fibromyalgia, I received a prescription for Percocet pain killers. This was in August and ever since that first dose I have had a constant intake of either percocet or lortab everyday. I ran out last week, and have gone through HELL. Shakes, uncontralable vommiting, other bathroom troubles, paronia, rage... its been awful. How did I become an addict to something in just 4 1/2 short months? My doctor was rude and told me to attend NA meetings or face being a druggie the rest of my life. How rude! I didn't do this on purpose, I didn't even realize I was addicted. I have kids, I work full time, I'm a single mom, I just needed a little something to get by. Now I am suffering, and its so hard knowing that one little pill will make this all go away.............

Hurting and need to move on, but can't

I have just gone through a separation a year ago and was forced to leave my life there in LV and all of my friends due to the fact that my husband kicked me and our children out for his own selfishness and guilt.
I have had a very rough time this past year and still can not accept the fact that he doesn't want me anymore. I believe he is so lost and does not know what he wants.
I have supported him and loved him even in times when I probably should not have but I chose to stick by and now I am being kicked to the curb- per se.
My husband has cheated on me several times and I chose to reason with his mistakes due to his suffering from depression. I truly thought I could help him and be there to help him change. Now I am the one paying.
Everything is for a reason and I have not lost faith.
I am not perfect either for I have strayed also in a time when he was not there for me and at a time when I felt the most betrayed. I became lost and did the same.

I feel so stuck here and I hate Vegas

I've lived here for 15 years, raised 2 kids and made a lot of money. Went through a horrible divorce after 20 years. After the divorce I got a new life, a new career, new house, new car and a new guy.
But the guy isn't what I thought he was. I Don't understand why men are so mean and ugly. I just want to sell my house and leave this town. I have no friends and no family here. And he treats me so bad.
I can't sell my house because of the market! And I can't get rid of him because of finances. I want to move back to the east coast where my sisters are. God I feel so stuck! I hate this town.

A baby without parents

I just learned I am pregnant. I dont think our marriage can survive this. My Husband has an additction to porn. We are ready to file bankruptcy (literally) I am supposed to have an abortion tomorrow. We have a 15 year old boy (his) and a 15 month old girl (ours) His Mother lives with us, she is mean, bitter and hates that he is Married (2 years now)I am heart broken over how he is handeling the stress in our lives and frankly, I dont have much heart left.
I thought I (we) were well on our way to gaining ground and finding peace... now, I see I am far from grace, from god and from any sort of peace.

I could really use some prayers.
Please
In God,
Melissa

Not sure I CAN let go....

The love of my life has been gone for over a year and refused to speak to me for 8 months now. This is no "puppy-dog" love; I'm 40 and have been around the block. I want to move on, but she's with my best friend and she still tries to get work at my fraternal organization which I introduced her to several years ago. She still calls my mother, has all of our same friends (I'm actually thinking of dumping friends to resolve this), has lots of my property and all of my heart. STILL.
I'm trying to move on and at least resolve old relationships (going well on that front), but where do I draw the line? Do I just need to relocate across country again to avoid her? Or is it wrong of me to ask that she consider my feelings when she shows up where I'm trying to do God's work? Please help, this is one confused fella here....I think about her several times every day and know she does too...HELP!

I lost my career

Thank you for the opportunity to get "this" out there. I feel lost and abandoned by God. I was a Professor at a prestigious university until I was denied tenure. Of course, I feel that it was the wrong decision. On the other hand, I was pretty tired of the politics and the number of changes that had taken place since I arrived. I am blessed with a wonderful husband -who has a wonderful job and with a beautiful daughter. But I don't have peace with this decision. I feel abandoned by God because I prayed over my decision to go teach at that university and this is the way it turns out?! I don't know what God wants or expects me to do with myself - while waiting for my daughter to come home from school. What do I do now. I am still an intelligient, creative person - still relatively young, in good health. - but I have no direction - I have prayed for direction, structure to my life, but God has turned a deaf ear. I am blessed in many ways, but a big part of my life is empty and lacks direction.

porn

The first images of porn i saw were at age 6. Even though i am married now the pattern of being in and out of a life of secrecy with porn continues. I know that it has little to do with sexuality now and has more ties with control and selfishness. I am dumping this habit and clinging to his Grace everyday.

losing your parents

how do you go on feeling so alone when you feel like you are still to young to be without your parents even though I am in my 40's....they were my best friends and I am very lucky to have two great kids and great friends but I cant shake this hole in my heart and lump in my throat...I pray every day on and off all day...i lost my mom 3 yrs ago and my
dad a month ago...???

always afraid

I'm always afraid - of silly things and of big things. if my husband tells me how wonderful i am and how lucky he is to have me i'm afraid that since he's said these things out loud that now something bad will happen. it's stupid, i know, but i can't stop these feelings. if i have the slightest pain i freak out that it's something worse than just a muscle strain or the tmj i suffer with (that's the worst - jaw pain? yeah, you immediately think you're having a heart attack...). if the dog acts weird i wonder what he 'knows' is going to happen. sometimes i wake up feeling this way in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep for ages...then i get anxious and the heart palpitations that come along with the anxiety make me more afraid. i wish i could stop the fear. but then i'm afraid that the minute i stop the fear - stop being 'vigilant' - that something bad will happen...

My life is falling apart

For the past 4 years I have been in a very emotionally turbulent relationship. I have been lied to and cheated on. I have tried to forgive but can't seem to get past the anger and pain. I have been involved in martial counseling and that didn't seem to resolve anything. I feel guilty because if the marriage doesn't work that I have let everyone down. I am trying to live a Christian life but it is so hard when this black cloud over me won't go away. My mom past away in June and my husband just announced he is moving out. I have a mediocur paying job and we just bought a expensive house last November. I have no idea how I am going to make ends meet with three kids. I believe the only reason we are still married is because of the finances. But the last month I have been withdrawn from my relationship with my husband and now he is moving out. I have tried so many times to ask God what he wants me to do. How I can be a better person and handle all of this? I just don't seem to get any answers. I am just hanging on by a thread.

intimacy issues

I want a boyfriend. I want one now. But I am holding out like a great woman of God. But I am hurting. I am stuggling. Single for 2 years but complaining about it the whole time. Or saying I am ok with it, when my longing isn't for deeper intimacy with God, but with a man. Will this man that I long after this time just cut me off like the others. Will I be able to recoginze the the soverign hand of God in all these non-relationships that I have had. Do I not believe him that he wants and I will have completeness when I run after him and everything His kingdom has to offer me. Will I stop turning to myself and the ways I know of how to deal with the pain and the longings that are just always temporary and never satisfying.

I've made myself sick with anger and bitterness

I'm 5 years out from a divorce. K & I were married for 15 years and had 3 beautiful kids together, one of which passed away when she was almost 2 years old. Ours was the kind of marriage - the kind of family that other people would constantly tell us they wish they had. I couldn't have been any happier.
On our 17th wedding anniversary, I was served with divorce papers, citing mental cruelty, physical abuse, and drug abuse; none of which was true. As time went on, I found out that K had been having multiple affairs; some with my best friends. To "justify" the affairs and to make herself appear to be the victim, K told our friends and family that I was an abusive alcoholic. What really hurt was that my own family and people I had been friends with for years - people who knew me, believed her. I also found out that she had taken out multiple signature loans, signing my name and ruining my credit. I was spiritually, emotionally, and financially devastated. I remembered our in our marriage vows,that K told me that she would love me forever. Forever wasn't nearly as long as I thought it would be.
Before long, I began drinking. I would sit at home in a perpetual state of anger and pain. Being reduced to only a part-time father and no longer K's husband, I felt as though my whole life was snatched away from me. There i was, the Dad who lived for his kids - the husband who's first thought in the morning and the last before he went to sleep was of his wife and her happiness...destroyed.
I would lay awake at night and fantasize about catching up with everyone that K had the affairs with, and hurting them and everyone they loved just like I had been. The anger and the pain were making me not only mentally, but physically sick as well. I began throwing up blood. I developed chest pains that wouldn't go away. I got so dizzy at times, that I would pass out. And my kids had front row seats to watch their dad kill himself.
One day after I had been drinking the whole morning, I answered a knock at the door to see the same process server who delivered my divorce papers. This time, he handed me a foreclosure notice. I flew into a rage. I tore all of our family pictures off the walls, smashing the glass with my fists. I broke every little memento on the shelves. I toppled our big screen T.V., nearly missing my then 2 year old daughter. I then saw her brother, who was barely 7, take her by the hand, out of harms way. A couple of seconds later, I heard a scream from the next room. My son was sitting in a pile of broken rubble, with blood all over his hands. In the attempt to protect his little sister, he stepped right in the middle of a broken picture frame. After I got my son cleaned and patched up, I called my friend Will from Canyon Ridge to come to my house. Without asking any questions, Will helped me clean up the broken glass and other rubble from my house. I told Will that I couldn't live like that anymore. I needed help, didn't know who to ask, or even what to ask for. Will told me that the most important thing was to stop killing myself, and to give it all to God. He would then take it from there. I turned my life over to Jesus Christ that day, and haven't looked back.
Although I still have bad days, I don't hate like I used to, I'm not angry like I used to be, and I've forgiven K for everything. I still slip every now and then with alcohol, but never drink to the point of being drunk, and never ever around my kids. I've come to call a Christian church my home, and I love my "new" family in Christ. My kids love this church as well, and their mom even attended our son's baptism last December.
I'm at the point now that I see the good in all that happened. I know that my ex wife would never have followed me in my walk with the Lord. I know that If we were still married, I wouldn't have come to Christ when I did, and maybe not at all. I see now that everything that happened needed to happen. My marriage ha become an idol unto itself, and I had knelt before it for 15 years.those days are over. My son is now a Christ follower,and my daughter is chomping at the bit to be baptized. I've even looked up to the back of the auditorium while I'm singing with the vocal team to see K standing there, all the way to the back.
Although I sometimes come home to an empty apartment when the kids are at their mom's place and I feel that old familiar loneliness creep in, I can sleep peacefully, knowing that they are under the Lord's care and protection. I may never be ready to get into another romantic relationship, but my relationship with Jesus Christ is sufficient. I am no longer defined by my role as a husband or even as a father. I am defined as being who the Lord says I am: Forgiven, loved, and worth dying for. It is in this knowledge that I can now be the father that God wants me to be, and maybe again some day, the husband as well.
Whoever reads this; please know that although the entire world may seem as though it is crumbling down around you it's only for a season. God has big plans for you and yours which give a whole new meaning to the word "forever", and He loves you so very, very much!

Generational Strongholds and unforgiveness

I need prayer in the area of forgiveness and generational strongholds. I come from an abusive home - a mentally ill mother and an absent, narcissistic father. My stepfather was a believer, but was hesitant to step in to protect me from the verbal/emotional and sometimes physical abuse from my mother. This resulted in my seeking love in several other ways, none of which was what God intended for me. I married a perfect match for someone with my upbringing - a man who is still the emotional equivalent of a 12-year old and I had three children with him before I divorced him. I guess I was more comfortable with the devil I knew versus the devil I didn't know. I have been ministered to and have tried to be obedient to God in my life as a result of the pain in the past 17 years since this all began. God has been so good to me - I have been so blessed with a new husband who treats me with respect and loves me unconditionally, and my two younger children doing amazingly well - they are very openly believers and leaders to their peers and respectful young men to their girlfriends, my husband, and authority. I have an older son who has been used for most of his life by someone or another. He was molested by an older male cousin when he was three (his cousin was 9) and an uncle, both on my ex-husband's side. I tried to go to a mental health facility, the police, and my exes family, and no one could/would do anything - another sister in law baby-sat the detective's children, my ex brother-in-law bowled with a local judge and filled in for their priest, and was in the music ministry; their family would not discuss it - they said just to get over it, and the counselor could not really testify in court because of my son's age. The family absolutely refuses to deal with this, as their family is full of incest/addictions/physical and sexual abuse and uncontrollable anger. After I left my ex and moved myself and my three children 100 miles away, we were divorced. My oldest son was given attention/reward for going to his dad's house and giving a bad report about anything negative he could come up with about our life away from him - I finally we had to let him go with his dad when he was in 6th grade for fear of disrupting the entire family. He was so full of rage and was threatening to hit me. My ex would not be a team player with my new husband and I in getting him help, so all our efforts were like swimming upstream. I am having a really hard time forgiving myself for not being aware of and protecting him from my ex-in-laws...no one has ever apologized to him or his older cousin - they just want to sweep it under the rug. He still has to see both of his abusers at family gatherings and wouldn't dare ever bring it up. He now is filled with anger and suffers from alcohol, sex, and drug addictions. He is living in denial and now is now going to be a father at only 20 years of age. He is has been unfaithful to his girlfriend the entire time he's been with her (four years). I worry about him constantly and I love him, and I don't want this precious unborn child of his to go through even ONE day of the abuse which is inevitable unless my son and his girlfriend get help. They have come to church together once, and he's attended about two services, but it doesn't seem to sink in. He has expressed to his brothers that he pretty much wishes I was dead and it has been so painful, even though I know it's his addictions talking. Please pray for me to forgive myself and my ex (and his family) for allowing this to happen to my precious child. He has so many gifts that the enemy is blinding him to. Please give me the strength to continue applying the boundaries that God wants me to use in dealing with this. It's so hard to stand alone sometimes...

consumed by guilt

I am not clear what purpose I serve here or why God made me. I am a miserable and lonely person. From the time I was a child I was abused and around nothing but fighting and arguing. Not only was I physically and verbally abused. For a brief time I was also molested by my biological father. At 16 I had an abortion that I have not forgiven myself for or let go of. I have gone outside my marriage with a man who I then fathered a child with. My child will never know his real father or that my husband is not his dad. I struggle to get through every day but I am disgusted and hate myself. My marriage is struggling, my husband is struggling, my kids are struggling, our finances are struggling. I don't have any hope for our future. My weight has increased so much I do not want to look in the mirror anymore. I don't know like to go to church because I have so much shame. My husband takes my children because the one thing I can give them is God. I couldn't afford part day pre-k for my son and daughter anymore and I feel like a failure to them. My son is angry because he can not go, and it makes me feel worse. I am failing as a Christian, a wife, and as a mother. I don't know what to pray or what to do or how to even begin to forgive myself. I do not know how to be free of this.

my son's drug habit

my husband and I have been dealing with the horrors of our son's addictions. we are at the end of our wits. he is 29 years old and we don't know how to help him. i pray for him every night. his father wants to throw him out into the streets but I can not bring myself to do that. in my heart, I know that God will touch my son's heart and show him the way. what can we do for him, should we throw him out and let him find out the hard way. please help

Lust and Masturbation

For the past 10 years I have sinned over and over again when it comes to physically taking sexual gratification into my own hands. Sometimes I don't even feel like I know how to change it, that is part of the problem, I have made it all about me. i need to be delivered solely by Jesus Christ, not by trying harder or doing better. I NEED HELP.

DIVORCE

Divorce. To me the word alone means failure, fear, hurt, anger, lack of faith and selfishness.

Don’t get me wrong there are times when I do agree with divorce. In times of mental, physical and sexual abuse it’s time to sign on the line. But lately I find myself wondering how much I have to go through in my own dwindling marriage before I know if or when to call it quits.

I feel so alone. I cry almost everyday about nothing and everything at the same time. At work no one would ever know how miserable I feel.

My only joy most days is being around my baby girl. My husband works 72 hours a week and wonders why I have an attitude... Why should I even bother to explain?

Too much has happened in our five years to pretend everything is fine. The omissions, distance, lies, drugs, sex issues and emotional cheating on my part haven’t made our marriage easy.

I'm to the point now that I wonder why we're together. I know we need God in our life, but apparently he has issues with God he doesn't want to address.

Maybe that's the problem issues aren't addressed or solved in our life. They are brought to the light by me and left there to wither and stain our lives.

I just want to be happy in my marriage, but I can't do it by myself. I’ve prayed to God and asked if divorce is the answer. But my heart won’t let me feel comfortable with that decision as a solution.

We’ve tried counseling and what I found out was that I am really messed up in the head and most of the issues we had were my fault. I also found out I needed to be medicated…That really helped.

I wouldn’t mind going again with someone who had Christian values in mind. But he doesn’t want to go and where would he find the time with the twelve hour days and all.

I feel lost and confused

My daughters Alcoholic father

I have failed. I was naive when I met my husband 16 years ago. I thought he was telling the truth when he said he wanted a home, kids,family. We bought a home and a few years later had to wonderful girls. What I didn't know, because I am so damn naive, is that he was actually this whole other person who drank and lied and had affairs with co-workers. We both worked at the same place in the same department.
He started buying everything as if we had won
Megabucks. I was such a fool I learned he was dating a friend of mine for almost a year while I was pregnant with our youngest daughter. We lost our home. I wanted to divorce him but I gave him another chance. Once again I was really stupid. He came into a large inheritance and left with all the money and half of our furniture and electronics on our anniversary, When the money was gone, and the woman who was going to marry him left he came back to stupid old dumb me, after a year. He just moved back one day without even discussing it with me. I thought he was being nice and babysitting his daughters, but he moved all his stuff back in. Now a few years later his daughters dispise him because of his drinking. I don't know if I should leave him-but if I did I could only afford
to live in a bad neighborhood with bad schools and the girls would have to leave the only stable thing they have in their live-friends, family, and school. My husband and I haven't been intimate since 1999 and I have to admit sometimes it feels so hopeless, but I have my daughters and they are the only thing that matters. They don't really see him much because he works graveyard. When he's not sleeping he's passed out drunk. I just don't know if I am doing the right thing by staying. I would never want them to grow up and marry someone like I did who is verbally abusive and has no motivation to care about his daughters. I only can pray that I have made the right decission by
staying. I feel so guilty because I truley thought this person seemed like he would be a good caring father in the beginning, but I failed and he is so selfish he is jealous of his own daughters if someone gives them a gift and does not give one to him. I wish I could get help for my daughters.

porn

i am currently in the process of struggling through the habit of watching porn on the internet and everything that comes with that. i have even begun to struggle with lies of homosexuality in my mind due to the dirtiness of sexual sin. i have spent alot of time giving myself to everything other than God. worshipping many other Gods.

A MILITARY WIFE PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!

MAYBE I SHOULDNT POST THIS HERE BUT I NEED WHOM EVER SEE'S THIS TO PRAY! MY BEST FRIENDS HUSBAND HAS BEEN IN THE MILITARY FOR 10 YEARS HE IS A RIGGER. IN DECEMBER THEY LOST THERE DAUGHTER IN MARCH AFTER BRINGING THEM TO CHURCH A COUPLE OF TIMES THEY ACCEPTED JESUS IN TO THERE HEARTS AND IN MAY HE WAS DEPOLOYED TO AFRICA WHERE HE WAS SUDDENLY BROUGHT HOME AND STRIPPED OF HIS CLEARANCE BECAUSE OF FINANCES AND IMMIGRATION. TODAY THEY ARE TRYING TO RECTIFY THE SITUATION AND SEND IN NEW PAPERWORK IF THIS PAPERWORK COMES BACK AND HE DOESNT GET IT BACK HE HAS THIRTY DAYS TO MOVE OUT OF BASE HOUSING AND FIND A NEW JOB. THIS MAN KNOWS NOTHING OTHER THEN THE AIR FORCE. THEY NEED YOUR PRAYERS PLEASE PRAY THAT THOSE INVOLVED WITH THESE DESICIONS WILL HAVE COMPASSION AND THAT THE LORD WITH SOFTEN THERE HEARTS. IM PRAYING FOR A MIRACLE. THEY HAVE NO WHERE TO GO IF THEY GET KICKED OUT. PLEASE IN TWO MONTHS THEY MAY BE WITH NO HOME OR INCOME... PLEASE PRAY

GOD BLESS YOU!

God... what do I do now???

I don't know what to do anymore...I married the man I thought was the love of my life a year and a half ago and I don't know how to handle him anymore...he is so unhappy and he is making me unhappy...everything in our life is wrong...I work opposite him so that we dont have to pay child care and one day he is fine with it and another day he is complaining about not having a minute to himself..My child is my son and his stepson...my little guy worships the ground my husband walks on...he is the only daddy he knows...my husband knew what he was getting into and i know he loves my boy but he says things that makes me wonder sometimes...When I was pregnant with my son from a very short term "friendship", I didn't know what I was going to do...I was beside myself...and my sister turned me back to God when she took me to a Joyce Meyer conference..it changed my whole life...then the next year my mother found out she had cancer and i moved in with her when my boy was 5 months old to help take care of her...after she passed away I stayed with my stepdad, went to school, got a degree, and the day i graduated moved to las vegas to be with my husband of 3 months...i didn't have a church to go to but always drove by a christian church.and one day after a huge fight with my husband just got dressed, and took me and my son to that church...and the next week, my husband came with me...I try so hard to leave everything in God's hands...I just cannot handle my husbands drunken emotionally moods anymore...i try to bite my tongue but he is so miserable sometimes i just cant listen to it anymore...it makes me crazy to hear someone so negative about everything in life...I don't want to leave him, I want to make it work, but it takes two to do that, and I just don't see any effort on his part. So many times I just want to go back home, back east, where my two grown kids are, but honestly don't have anywhere to go or a job that pays enough to be on my own...I am in the middle of a whirlwind that wont stop turning, a rollercoaster i cant get off of. I wish my mother was still here because i know she would help me get back on my feet alone. I pray to God to help me in whatever way He can...I know God has a plan for all of us and He already has our lives mapped out for us, but I dont know which fork in the road to take right now...I pray He answers me before i lose it...I have never been so unhappy in my life...God PLEASE help me...PLEASE.

I should have listened to ME!!

Just because my sisters are older than me, I ASSUMED they knew what they were talking about. But now that I'm in my 40's (!) I realize they are just as clueless as I am. They are just like me in ways I cannot stand and they are are so unlike me in ways I really don't get. I have a lot of anger right now. I'm not feeling myself, I am ALWAYS broke. Life here in Nevada is not cheap like it once was and I seem to repeat my mistakes. I don't drink. I don't smoke or do drugs. I don't go out. I'm overweight, lazy, irritable and have 2 teenagers that are getting harder and harder to parent each day. I'm divorced (my choice and grateful). My brothers wife is a big baby and she can only be honest. She has hurt a lot of feelings by not being able to hold back. I can't stand her kids and my brother is a nimrod. But, He seems to be OK. Who knows. I haven't been to Church in months, I work Saturdays and Sundays. Until just last Thursday, actually. I was a releif caretaker for a beautiful older woman who just last week passed away. I asked to her to say hello to Jesus for me. I am hoping to get more work doing daycare and caregiving. I enjoy it a lot more than office work or doctors offices. Doctors are asses. I don't know my daughter anymore. She's 16. I just took away her cell phone. She went over her minutes AGAIN. You would think I took her left leg with the way she went on.
Darn it! I KNOW I am a smart woman. I don't want to be near my family as they just remind me of my my shortcomings and I want to learn to be me again. I miss me. It's been years.
Wow. I feel better. Thank you.

Sobriety and my commitee

I am 35, sober 35 days today... My head is crazy. Since i have been sober there have been so many changes... the #1 change was that i found that i can be willing to accept that there is a higher power... that he loves me and that he will help me and guide me in the direction of life that he wishes....

Things are going bad at work, why now? Things are bad with my roomates, Why now? My daughter is acting up, why now?

I asked God today to guide me, show me a sign that i am doing the right things, that i am in the place i belong... all day i got more and more depressed... i went to a meeting of Alcholics Anonymous and did not get an answer, got more depressed, got angry at what the people were saying, i yelled at my daughter, i yelled at my boyfriend... i am sitting here now alone and depressed... the 1st thing i could think of was to find this site... maybe that is my sign... God needs me in Church....

Thanks for letting me share...

WHY AM I LIKE THIS

I AM A 24 YEAR OLD MAN WITH THE BEST WIFE AND TWO AMAZING KIDS ANYONE COULD ASK FOR .... I AM HARD WORKING FAITHFUL... AND SUCCESSFUL . I STRIVE TO BE THE BEST ...
THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE I AM VERY SELFISH ... SOMETIMES TO THE POINT WHERE I AM MEAN TO MY WIFE SHE KNOWS I LOVE HER AND THAT I AM WORKING AT IT .. ITS LITTLE THINGS LIKE I GET SO UPSET WHEN THE APARTMENT IS DIRTY OR THE TRASH IS STILL THERE LITTLE STUPID THINGS SHE MAKES MISTAKES .... I LOVE HER BUT THEY ARE BIG MISTAKES THAT SOMETIMES COST US MONEY AND TIME .I WORK TWO JOBS SO ARE TIME AND MONEY ARE PRECIOUS .. I LOVE HER SO MUCH I JUST WISH I HAD MORE PATIENCE WITH HER . WE TALK ABOUT THIS ALL THE TIME.. AND ARGUE ABOUT IT... WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND WORK AS A TEAM WITH ARE KIDS ..
I JUST FEEL I'M SELFISH FOR WANTING HER TO DO MORE ITS ALMOST LIKE I'M JEALOUS OF HER BECAUSE SHE IS A STAY AT HOME MOM... I KNOW ITS HARD WORK BUT I WISH I COULD DO IT

Left by my Church - Need help finding God Again

Back in 1994, I was working as a medical receptionist for a podiatrist. The doctor was a Scientologist and very high up in the "church". Well, he expected his employees to attend Scientology classes that were supposed to be "business classes". When I refused to attend (because I was a Christian and told him the church of Scientology had beliefs that were contrary to mine) he fired me claiming I was not a good employee. Well, I sued him for "religious discrimination" and won my case. During my "ordeal", the church I was attending was not in