Forgiveness often cuts against our first inclination. In fact, The Revenge Encyclopedia is a book that is all about getting even. It offers almost 1,000 ways to exact revenge on those who have wronged you. For instance, how many of you have loaned books out to people who never returned them or lost them?
According to The Revenge Encyclopedia here’s what you do:
- Print off a bunch of labels that have the person’s name and address who lost your books. Include this announcement on the label: “If this book is lost and you return it, I will pay you $10 cash.”
- Next, purchase some hardback books at a garage sale and paste the labels on their inside covers.
- Leave the labeled books all over in parks, buses and restaurants.
- Then imagine this person’s face after the 10th caller tries to return a book and collect the money.
Most of us don’t need The Revenge Encyclopedia, right? We keep score well enough on our own. Keeping score is a real temptation. Trying not to take revenge is the real challenge, isn’t it?
Maybe our struggle is with our children: words they’ve spoken, life choices they have made, the clothes they wear. Overnight they may have gone from being sweet, loving children to aliens. Maybe we haven’t forgiven our spouse for past hurts, or for not holding up the end of the bargain you’re sure they vowed to hold up.
Maybe we even haven’t figured out how to forgive God for not running the universe the way we want it.
Forgiveness Is a Two-Way Street
Jesus taught that forgiveness is a two-way street. That’s why he instructed his followers to pray, “Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us” (Luke 11:4).
Don’t miss that: Jesus assumes we’ll forgive the people who offend us. This isn’t a question of whether we think they deserve it. He never asks if we feel like forgiving them. He assumes we’ll forgive.
If there’s one relationship where forgiveness needs to be assumed the way Jesus assumes it, it’s marriage. Brian and Felicia know that a marriage without God as its center can be very hard to keep together.
They were married six years ago. It was the third for Felicia, and the second for Brian. Both were believers when they entered their marriage. They had everything you’d want in life: nice cars, large home, everything except a daily relationship with God.
Brian’s thing was materialism. He spent most of his time building his business to the exclusion of Felicia and the rest of his family. Felicia’s thing was her past. She’d never told Brian about her drug addiction years before for fear he wouldn’t want her.
Five years into their marriage, he was always working and she was using drugs again.
Here’s how bad it got. Felicia was living alone in the upstairs bedroom of their home while Brian often stayed at a hotel. When they were together they fought. It often got ugly. One time stuff was broken, the police were called, and there were scratches on Brian’s face.
Things kept spinning out of control. Felicia lost her mother and her grandmother. She thought God had simply abandoned her. Brian lost his dad and found his son was battling drugs.
You know what it took to snatch this marriage out of the love dumpster? Mutual confession and forgiveness. One day Felicia decided to risk everything and come clean with Brian about her drug use. Instead of throwing her out, Brian actually owned up to his stuff. They began to rely on God, talking to him every single day. Giving and receiving forgiveness from each other, and from God, became a habit.
After working with a marriage counselor recommended by their church, Brian and Felicia have just gone through the best year of their lives. Talk about changed lives! They’ve even become leaders in a program for newly married and about-to-be-married couples.
I totally love what Felicia says about their restored relationship: “My heart doesn’t hurt any more.”
Does Your Heart Hurt?
C. S. Lewis said, “Every one says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive, as we did during the war.” The process of coming to forgiveness can be excruciatingly difficult and painful. But friends, the price of unforgiveness is devastating.
Jesus teaches that there is a great urgency about forgiveness. He says that reconciliation is important enough to drop whatever you are doing to seek forgiveness and healing in a relationship. Sometimes we have to put one foot in front of another and just do it, even though we do not feel any desire to.
An important step in our journey to freedom is to stop and make a list of people you have harmed in your life. As you make this list, also think of those who have harmed you. Be willing to offer forgiveness—and seek forgiveness too. Be willing to take those risks to be free.
Let’s look at some practical suggestions for forgiveness.
- Pray
labeled this request “the terrible petition” because if we pray “Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who is indebted to us,” and at the same time harbor an unforgiving spirit, we are actually asking God not to forgive us. But prayer has a tremendous way of softening me. - Leave room for God to work
Forgiveness is a process; it takes time. Sometimes people forgive without first really grieving and working through the process with God. If the anger has been there for years, get some help. Don’t be afraid of Christian counseling. Work through those issues, because there is tremendous freedom on the other side. - Exchange anger for forgiveness.
Who do you need to forgive? Who are you harboring bitter thoughts about? Who has wronged you? Make an effort to bring closure to that situation. Talk with that person, forgive him/her in your heart. Don¬’t allow bitterness and anger to get a foothold in your heart. It will destroy you before it destroys anyone else - Just do it.
Jesus teaches that there is a great urgency with forgiveness. Sometimes we have to put one foot in front of another and just do it even though we do not feel any desire to.
